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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH constant demands for sex

231 replies

Onefootforward1 · 24/08/2018 20:04

I really need some help and to know if IABU. My DH of 5 years is constantly harassing me for sex. I have 2 children under the age of 3 and it seems to have gotten worse since they were born. This is pretty much the only negative in our relationship but it’s really wearing me down.
He gropes me while i’m doing the kids breakfasts and makes constant sexual innuendos. He says i’m lucky that i have a husband who fancies me so much and jokes that i signed a contract saying he can do what he wants to me sexually.

We’ve had serious arguments, one when i was 8 months pregnant about how i don’t make an effort in the bedroom. Our younger son doesn’t sleep well and was up all night with a high temperature. I’ve had 3 hrs sleep, looked after the kids all day and DH’s family arrived for the BH weekend this afternoon. The younger DC has been clung to me crying all day and all DH has done since he got home is make sexual advances towards me. I asked him not to several times and eventually lost it and shouted at him in the kitchen and his family heard me. He’s now in a mood and said all i have to do is “be nice” but i feel like he doesn’t listen to me or respect me when i say no.

I now feel really embarassed and am left wondering whether i am just a horrible person for snapping at him all the time. I don’t know how to fix this or how to speak to him so that he understands that i’m exhausted and don’t want to have sex every day. Please help!

OP posts:
Spaghettijumper · 25/08/2018 18:50

I always make sure to say this on threads like this, because some women need to hear it:

Sex is an entirely optional activity. Nobody ever has the right, ever, to demand sex from you for any reason. You don't ever owe sex to anybody, ever. You can say no to sex whenever you want, with no excuses or justifications. You are never, ever ever required to provide sex to anybody, no matter what your relationship, no matter what they do for you. Anyone who feels that you do owe them sex and that they have a right to demand it from you, regardless of what you want, is a rapist.

OrangePony · 25/08/2018 19:13

Could you show him this thread OP? That might give him the wake-up call he needs?

Missingstreetlife · 25/08/2018 19:21

It's coercion not consent. Has anyone got the cup of tea graphics?
Fizzy sour, you are still being coerced.

mathanxiety · 25/08/2018 19:39

OrangePony - I think when a relationship is described and posters end up arguing about definitions of rape, then the relationship is a long way from where it should be.

As Spaghettijumper says, nobody owes sex to another person.
Anyone who feels that you do owe them sex and that they have a right to demand it from you, regardless of what you want, is a rapist.

The H here feels he has the right to sex.

This relationship is a long, long way from where it should be.

OrangePony · 25/08/2018 19:55

Mathanxiety I think it’s a really interesting subject. It’s funny because I posted on here a while back (under a different name) about whether it was unreasonable for me to not be having sex with my DH as I have completely gone off it. General consensus was that I was being unreasonable.

Spaghettijumper · 25/08/2018 20:00

Orange I would say you have every right to refuse sex but at the same time your DH has every right to leave the relationship if he isn't happy with the situation. Having sex you don't want isn't a solution and most decent men wouldn't ever want you to do that anyway.

FinallyHere · 25/08/2018 20:10

jokes that i signed a contract saying he can do what he wants to me sexually.

Rape within marriage has been a thing for quite some time, he is talking bollocks

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/criminal-law-rape-within-marriagee*

Sorry, OP, I'm going with the people who suggest a chat with women's aid, to help you see how awful this really is. Maybe once you understand that, you can get him to see it and knock it off.

mydogmymate · 25/08/2018 20:19

Your post sent a shiver down my spine. My abusive each used to do this. As soon as we got married he said exactly the same as your dh, you're my wife and he'll touch me whenever he liked. He also said that I was lucky that he fancied me. The abuse racked up till he was raping me regularly. I got out, but I've now got PTSD as a result of this and other abuse.
We've been divorced for 10 years and I've never had sex since. He's ruined it for me.

mydogmymate · 25/08/2018 20:20
  • ex husband
Piewraith · 25/08/2018 23:51

Argh a sex pest! How horrible.

I dated a guy like this, and he just couldn't understand that my sex drive wasn't as high as his. He wanted it every day, plus had 1-2 wanks. If I said no, in his mind I secretly did want it (because who wouldn't), but I was denying him as a punishment, for some reason. Saying no would end up endless nagging and a long fight, so it was easier to say yes.

He would also stretch out the sex for ages (more than 1 hour), and afterwards want to go again. By this time I would be near tears with exhaustion and boredom. Again, it wasnt worth saying no though.

It put me on guard and I would never initiate or accept even non sexual affection, as he would then say I led him on.

Now I'm out of that relationship I realise how fucked up it was. And I enjoy sex now, and ironically want it more. I found when it's not a dreaded daily marathon, it can actually be great.

differentnameforthis · 26/08/2018 05:40

Storm the law says ‘rape occurs when one person penetrates another with their penis without the consent of the person being penetrated.’ Nothing in the op post says she has not consented, unless I am missing something. The op clearly said i am always doing it just to get him off my back in answer to Have you ever felt coerced into sex? Like you've given in and done it to keep the peace, or to make him leave you alone for a bit? Even though you didn't want to?

So yes, he has raped her. Because she relents and "has sex" because she has been coerced (forced) when she doesn't want to. That's RAPE. I don't care what YOU call it, and why you are trying SO hard to deny this fact. That's your issue, not mine, not op's.

Op may not see what is happening to her as rape, that's her choice. However, it IS rape.

differentnameforthis · 26/08/2018 05:47

Consent under pressure for sure, but it is still consent No such thing.

Original poster
Onefootforward1 · 26/08/2018 07:43

To all those saying i should leave, do you think it’s possible for him to change and our relationship to be saved with separate counselling for both of us? I’m struggling with accepting this is rape and going straight to ending the relationship because i don’t feel unsafe/unhappy the majority of the time.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 26/08/2018 08:17

OP in order for him to properly change he needs to accept and understand how truly awful his behaviour is do you think he will

AynRandTheObjectivist · 26/08/2018 08:36

do you think it’s possible for him to change and our relationship to be saved with separate counselling for both of us?

No. They don't change, except to get worse.

stillnotTheDoctor · 26/08/2018 08:43

I don't know if he can change. Not without professional help that's for sure.

The problem is that this attitude shows a lack of respect for you so this will go one of two ways. Either you get help and he sorts himself out or he gets worse and his lack of respect will show in more places than the bedroom.

If you say to him that it is rape will he be horrified and want to change or will he make it all your fault? If he makes out it's all your fault he's unlikely to change.

And yeah, I didn't realise it was rape until after I'd got out of the relationship and it was hard to process.

ElspethFlashman · 26/08/2018 08:45

Why would it change though? Why would he possibly change?

I mean, you've had constant arguments, you've spelt it out..... How many more ways can you say it? Semaphore? Sign language? Writing in the sky with a plane?

He still hasn't altered his behaviour except when he's briefly pissed off at you. Then he goes back to being Uncle Disgusting.

So what's gonna make him change now?

stegosauruslady · 26/08/2018 09:09

Onefootforward I honestly think that it is for you to decide if you are being raped. Only you really know what your relationship is like, we simply don't have enough information!

As for whether you can save it, even aside from his behaviour that you don't like it is very difficult to work out a compromise between higher and lower sex drives without an awful lot of good quality communication, something you and your DH don't seem to be doing very well.

THEsonofaBITCH · 26/08/2018 09:20

Only you have the context to make any determinations as to what is going on/how serious it is. Anyone can change if their will and need is strong enough. Those who say its rape and those who say its not don't have the context to make those assertions only you as the OP do. Best of Luck in moving forward irrespective.

Spaghettijumper · 26/08/2018 09:29

You don't have to call it rape and you don't have to end the relationship. Sadly I think it's very unlikely he'll change. Even if he does, do you think you can ever feel ok about having with him? I'd imagine it would take a lot of work and time to repair the damage he's done.

I also think it's unlikely that this is the only area in which he disrespects you. IME men like this are experts at making you feel guilty about innocuous things and blaming you for things that aren't your fault (eg embarrassing him in front of his parents, which was his doing.) Is he genuinely a decent partner? Hard as it is to imagine, I think getting away from him would be an enormous relief for you.

Spaghettijumper · 26/08/2018 09:30

Sorry that should say 'do you think you can ever feel ok about having sex with him'

IAmcuriousyellow · 26/08/2018 09:32

I had a boyfriend like that. He would be on me first thing in the morning, in the shower, if I came home from work at lunchtime (he didn’t work, just seemed to spend his days thinking about how to have sex with me), the sight of me washing up would inflame him and he’d be on me again.. then at bedtime.. AND all the BS about how I didn’t love him if I tried to turn him down. He reminded me of one of those randy dogs who’s always humping your leg. Anyway it became very clear to me that his need to have his willy rubbed far outweighed any need of mine to just be left alone occasionally! I mean you get SORE!! So your DH has a bit of a problem with priority here and he is prioritising his need to have his willy rubbed over your need to have bodily autonomy. It’s all a bit babyish really. He may never be able to get his head round the fact that his willy is not the most important thing in your life, which is what it is to him. I’m glad you say you love him as you MAY be able to get an improvement. In my case I found this relentless sexual neediness eroded my love for my boyfriend and I despised him in the end. I feel for you, i really do.

OrangePony · 26/08/2018 09:42

I imagine what constitutes “consent” is dealt with in case law. Obviously the statute doesn’t give us enough to go on. I can think of numerous examples of coercion that would not constitute rape (e.g. I am sure most prostitutes don’t actually want to have sex, they are coerced into it by the offer of payment).

OP I think maybe whether or not it would be seen in the eyes of the law as rape (my view, for what it’s worth, is that it probably wouldn’t) isn’t really the issue - what IS the issue is that it is most definitely abuse.

I think only you can know if he is capable of stopping being abusive. You need to sit him down and tell him exactly how this is making you feel. If you can, show him this thread (or at least print out certain replies). Tell him it’s abuse. Tell him the views of many of Mumsnet is that it is actually rape. See how he responds. Tell him you cannot live like this and are thinking of walking.

From my own experience of my ex-boyfriend, I know he wouldn’t have changed. It was a larger part of his controlling personality where he would use anger/sulking etc to get his way. But maybe your DH just hasn’t realised how awful what he is doing really is. Good luck.

TheGoddessFrigg · 26/08/2018 09:48

It's not about higher vs lower sex drives - it's about treating the other person with respect and dignity. How is groping her while his family - and CHILDREN - are in another room respectful? As the poster above said, it's like being pursued by a dog in heat.

And does he really think this is going to make him appear sexy or desirable? It would make my vagina snap shut like a bear trap.

fiercelikefrida · 26/08/2018 10:05

I think at best this kind of situation at best is abusive/coercive and at worst rape. Either way it's not acceptable and you shouldn't put up with it. I believe men who behave like this are sexually dysfunctional, who wants to have sex with someone who doesn't want to? And believe me OP he knows you don't want to... you say he complains you're not into it when you give in... basically he just wants you to fake it so he doesn't feel like he's forced you.

I had a similar relationship and it got worse not better once I realised the problem. Once I started to assert boundaries and stick up for myself the abusive behaviour spilled out into other areas. By this point I was 6 years in with two small children. He could barely contain his hatred towards me it was really shocking and frightening. I genuinely believed before that he didn't know what he was doing... eventually I said no one night and he dragged me from my bed where I was with our newborn. I had to shout at him and push him off. I saw how it had tipped from coercion to coming very close to violent rape and that was enough for me. I left soon after.

I look back now and I was raped repeatedly in that relationship, there was no misunderstanding. If you say no 4 times and end up just lying there to get someone to stop pestering you the other person is in no doubt you don't want to.