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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH constant demands for sex

231 replies

Onefootforward1 · 24/08/2018 20:04

I really need some help and to know if IABU. My DH of 5 years is constantly harassing me for sex. I have 2 children under the age of 3 and it seems to have gotten worse since they were born. This is pretty much the only negative in our relationship but it’s really wearing me down.
He gropes me while i’m doing the kids breakfasts and makes constant sexual innuendos. He says i’m lucky that i have a husband who fancies me so much and jokes that i signed a contract saying he can do what he wants to me sexually.

We’ve had serious arguments, one when i was 8 months pregnant about how i don’t make an effort in the bedroom. Our younger son doesn’t sleep well and was up all night with a high temperature. I’ve had 3 hrs sleep, looked after the kids all day and DH’s family arrived for the BH weekend this afternoon. The younger DC has been clung to me crying all day and all DH has done since he got home is make sexual advances towards me. I asked him not to several times and eventually lost it and shouted at him in the kitchen and his family heard me. He’s now in a mood and said all i have to do is “be nice” but i feel like he doesn’t listen to me or respect me when i say no.

I now feel really embarassed and am left wondering whether i am just a horrible person for snapping at him all the time. I don’t know how to fix this or how to speak to him so that he understands that i’m exhausted and don’t want to have sex every day. Please help!

OP posts:
AynRandTheObjectivist · 25/08/2018 10:50

In fact, he probably started pestering you with them next door because he was banking on you being too embarrassed to reject him if they might hear you. How dare he then blame you for not falling for his shame trap.

Arsewipe.

AnnaMagnani · 25/08/2018 10:59

Did not he do the embarrassing himself?

He was banking on you not making a scene in front of family - effectively blackmailing you. You called him out on it and now others know what he is like. That's why he is really angry.

BeautifulPossibilities · 25/08/2018 11:04

He's embarrassed when he was getting a bit rapey? Fuck that.

You've repeatedly said no or ignored his advances.

No means no.

Take him being your DH out of the equation- imagine if any other random man pestered you for sex?!

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 25/08/2018 11:07

He sounds well creepy and is bang out of order and generally not very nice.
But people crying rapist and suggesting calling Women’s Aid? Seriously - what the actual fuck??? There is such utter, alarmist nonsense spouted on here at times. People ought go get in the real world.

Hopoindown31 · 25/08/2018 11:09

@beautifulpossibilities

Not sure how encouraging someone to see their long term partner as a stranger is remotely helpful or reasonable.

I think we need to know more about the relationship to actually help the OP.

differentnameforthis · 25/08/2018 11:14

You are not a horrible person at all.

tell him the next time he comes out with i signed a contract saying he can do what he wants to me sexually. that marital rape was introduced in 1992, so, he cannot do what he wants.

i am always doing it just to get him off my back
Relenting isn't consenting. So if you do give in because of his pestering, you haven't consented.

differentnameforthis · 25/08/2018 11:20

I wouldn't recommend couple's counseling.

He is abusive, counseling doesn't work with abusive people
The counselor is likely (ime) to tell you to have more sex, because then you'll want it more
It will give him ammunition to continue abusing you.

His contract "joke" is a threat. Have sex (un) willingly or he will take it.

He is not a safe person, op. This is why counseling won't work.

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 25/08/2018 11:20

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

differentnameforthis · 25/08/2018 11:33

There is nothing in the OP's post that suggests her DH is going to rape her! he already has. She admitted to giving in to "set him off my back" that is relenting.

Relenting isn't consenting.

differentnameforthis · 25/08/2018 11:38

@croprotationinthe13thcentury

1] More fool them then
2] Op is clearly giving in to her dh after persistent pestering. This is not consenting, it's relenting.
3] If she is only having sex because she wants her dh to stop pestering her, she isn't consenting
4] Do I have to tell you what sex without consent is?
5] Yes, 3 & 4 are the same, because on these threads it cannot be said enough.
6] Learn the difference between relenting and having sex for the sake of it.

Storm2018 · 25/08/2018 11:45

www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/subtle_sexual_abuse.html

RightyHoChaps · 25/08/2018 11:49

My ex was like this... and I didn't have kids then. It was irritating and disrespectful. I ended up resenting him for it and for putting pressure on me. In the end, I didn't want to have sex...

I now have a 14mo with my lovely OH. We're both tired AF but make the effort when we can. We both recognise that it's just not possible to do the things we want to. We're tired or we don't have time or the mental space sometimes to do it. We respect that about each other.

This comes down to respect and understanding each other's emotions. Your husband needs to stop that shit and see what it's like doing what you do for a while. Inconsiderate prick. I'm not surprised you snapped OP. Make it damn clear that you don't need this pressure.

Also "You're lucky you have a husband that fancies you that much" ... I would lose my shit at that. Why are you lucky? I would say "well I'd prefer a husband that respects me and my feelings over one that fancies me".

Hopoindown31 · 25/08/2018 11:51

I'm not sure any of this bickering is helping the OP.

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 25/08/2018 11:54

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Storm2018 · 25/08/2018 12:09

What do you think is bollocks crop?

The op has said she is groped and mithered into sex she doesn't want.

Do you think she should just put up with it?

Mosret · 25/08/2018 12:20

Hi OP,
I think you need to sit down together and have a proper chat about how you feel. Let him know that the more pressure, groping and persuading he does, the less likely you are to want to have sex. Tell him you have had sex with him before just for some peace. Tell him you want to have some space to be able to figure out when you are actually in the mood, as you never get a chance to see when you would like to grave sex, as you spend your time fending him off. If he looks for it everyday you'll end up saying no everyday (and snapping, understandably). If you can work out together what's a fair amount say once/ twice a week and he leaves you alone in between, you're much more likely to both enjoy it.

HotSauceCommittee · 25/08/2018 12:34

You need to find a time, pre planned, when emotions aren’t running high and the kids aren’t around for a talk.

Knittedfairies · 25/08/2018 12:45

Actually he embarrassed himself in front of your family.

TomHardysNextWife · 25/08/2018 13:05

He's groping you and pestering you for sex when you're making your DC their breakfast??

How can you love a man that treats you like a piece of meat?

Pestering you for sex is bad enough but in front of the kids and his family?? That is so very very wrong. And I'm very sad that you are completely minimising his behaviour.

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 25/08/2018 14:32

storm i think the bollocks is the talk if rape. Yes the guy sounds like a tool but he hasn’t raped the OP. Such serious terms should not be thrown around so casually, IMO.
As for my previous posts being deleted, it seems odd that one side of an argument is deleted but not the other. But hey ho, this is MN.

Spaghettijumper · 25/08/2018 14:44

What do you think rape is croprotation?

SilverySurfer · 25/08/2018 15:08

How revolting, I loathe sex pests and you giving in just to get him off your back won't solve your problem and no way should you be pressurised into it. I don't know how it's still possible to feel affection or respect for such a person. He is definitely not showing any respect for you.

This would kill any interest I had in sex stone dead and he would be getting none.

I'm pleased you managed to have a chat. Next time I would be telling him zero sex until he stops groping, that sex should be a pleasure for both people, not one letting the other get their way to stop them pestering.

As far as him being embarrassed that your family heard, tough shit. He has the power not to be embarrassed, just stop mauling and groping you.

Good Luck.

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 25/08/2018 15:14

Not responding or answering spaghetti as doubtless whatever I write will get reported/deleted.

Spaghettijumper · 25/08/2018 15:17

I don't think it would get deleted crop and I think it's rather pointless and cowardly of you to criticise people who are supporting the OP without being willing to back up what you say. If you think other posters are wrong to say this is rape then you should be willing to explain what rape is in your view. Otherwise it seems like you're just telling everyone to shut up because you don't like what they're saying.

Storm2018 · 25/08/2018 15:32

Unwanted sex is rape. Every time. The law is very clear about this.

Many people think of rape as a violent act carried out by a stranger. It isnt.