Hubby has had Herpes for past 12 years and I have only just found out now! What should I do??

[CazInLeith]

First time post here, the last week has just been a blur.

Hubby and I are in our mid 30s, married just over a year ago, known each other for 6 years, dated for 2 years before getting hitched, just had first baby born on 1st June (10/11 weeks old). Around a week ago I was trying to find a pen to use in hubby’s work bag and came across a stash of suspicious looking pills in a side pocket labelled ‘aciclovir 400mg’, a quick google search and I discover this is a standard retroviral medication for herpes!

Horrid 3hrs of wondering what to do whilst waiting for him to come home. Decide to confront him that same evening. He opens up and admits it straight away. I’d found out about his ‘secret’ - apparently he slept with a random 12 years ago whilst at university and contracted herpes. You can’t get rid of herpes apparently, it’s with you for life, all you can do is manage the symptoms by taking long term medication. And apparently he’s been secretly taking this medication every day for the past 12 years(!)

At the moment, I’ve got him sleeping in the spare bedroom. No chance of any intimacy at the moment.

Where do we go from here?

1. I’m terrified I might have this too. Goodness knows how many times we’ve had unprotected sex whilst trying to convcieve and since getting pregnant. Getting tested for herpes isn’t simple - I’ve already seen the doctor. Some people are asymptomatic, I may have to wait years to see if I ‘flare up’ into a symptomatic phase, and even then I might not Notice I’m having an ‘active phase’ . For this reason: getting a straight answer to whether you have this horrid little STD isn’t always easy.
2. To put it simply, the doc says they can’t rule out that I don’t have it, but they also can’t say for sure if I do, because the symptoms aren’t always there as thevitus itsekf can lay dormant for months or even years between active phases or ‘flare-ups’, which if a carrier is suppressing with retro viral medication like hubby, may never even ever happen again. There are also a lot of people who have contracted this virus at some point along the way, don’t know they have it, aren’t taking any retrovirals, and don’t even notice when they have the lesions. All the doc can recommend is avoiding unprotected sex with someone you know has it, i.e. my hubby!
3. It’s very unlikely that I will have passed it onto my baby during the birth (no visible signs of any lesions on baby, and apparently these normally show up very soon after birth if this is the case. Naturally I am terrified that this may be the case and am feeling hugely guilty already in case this happens.
4. Cannot talk to ANYONE I know about this, as is hugely embarrassing, no idea who to turn to, so have ended up coming on here in the hope of finding some answers to it all.

So where do we go from here?

1. Hubby very apologetic, naturally. Lots of flowers and peace offerings happening at he moment.
2. His main excuse is: ‘he wanted to tell me at the start’ but could ‘just never find he right words’.... at start of relationship we were in a romantic patch having been good friends for 4 years before, and it never seemed to be the right time. And then, it went to engagement and the finishing straight into marriage, pregnancy, etc.
3. His main defence is ‘he knows how to manage his symptoms’, he’s been dealing with it for 12 years, he just takes this drug and that keeps it all at bay. Apparently he hasn’t had a visible ‘flare-up’ for 6 years, and that last happened when he went away on holiday for 2 weeks and forgot to take his medication with him.

Here’s my problem:

1. This totally ruins intimacy for me forever now. Even if we used protection every time from now, I can’t get it out of my head that he’s carrying an STD, and that is a major turn-off. I could probably force myself to do it, to preserve the marriage but it would be a massive undertaking, and not something I feel I could get used to.
2. Even if I could manage to get my head around the idea of protected sex, how can I ever go back to unprotected sex knowing this? This really throws ideas of an eventual 2nd child into question. Even if I did eventually build my way back up to unprotected sex again, I’d feel like I was playing Russian roulette with my own health every time.
3. Telling him all this wouldn’t be easy, would probably put him off me
4. He knows I’m angry about it all and probably thinks I will eventually calm down, but i really feel like this is putting a wedge between us that is not going to easily go away. I feel like I’ve been cheated on and lied to. Even if the ‘cheated on’ part isn’t real. His way of looking at it is that all this happened a full 6 years before I even met him, and that he’s just been terribly unlucky. After all, how many of us haven’t had a one night stand in our twenties? Unfortunately for him it’s left a lasting legacy for life.

In some ways I wish I’d never gone and looked for a pen in his bag now, my life wouldn’t be so screwed up now if I had... Am I being unreasonable?

Well I can understand why he didn’t tell you.
I think you are massively over reacting to be honest. I understand you are angry, but your post is hysterical. Lots of people live with and manage STDs.

Herpes is really not that big a deal. It is just cold sores on your genitals.
Would you be reacting the same way if he suffered from cold sores and managed them in the same way and hadn't told you?
Unless he had active lesions the likely hood of you catching it is as slim.
So no different from not kissing someone with a cold sore.

No, I don't think you are over reacting. It's not just the herpes but the lying for so long

Poor guy. Feel so sorry for him. No wonder he was scared to say anything. Also you may be a carrier yourself irrespective of his condition.

You need to calm down. It’s not the end of the world.

Yes, he should have been honest but there’s no need to treat him like a leper ffs!

Huge overreaction. If he had cold sores which is the same virus I’m sure you wouldn’t be treating him the same way.

Ok. First you need to get yourself tested and informed about Herpes by a sexual health specialist / gp / gum clinic

You need to tell them what you’ve told us about unprotected sex/ ttc /

But mostly you need to sit your husband down and have a long in-depth discussion about where you’re going next in your relationship Ie intimacy with/without protection and how you feel ( and how he feels)

You sound shocked and that’s understandable.

I just think that you should get the proper facts from a health professional before you make any big decisions

The STD in itself wouldn’t necessarily bother me, there are worse ones out there to get.

But the lying would be a huge issue. Mainly because he put you at risk of exposure without your consent and to me that’s just not on.

Are you sure he really did contract it 12 years ago and this isn't something he has picked up recently (the reason you also have no symptoms).

You don’t take acyclovir every day do you?

Are those the real reasons that you're angry? That you don't want a husband with an STD - not that he's lied to you for your entire relationship?

As someone with herpes I think you're under reacting. He took your choice to use condoms away, seriously endangered your dc' s life and hid this for 12 fucking years. He's been hiding visits to the doctor, repeat prescriptions.

Medication stops outbreaks, but it is still contagious between out breaks. His embarrassment and inability to find the 'right' moment trumped your right to know, so cowardly and selfish. What would have happened if you had symptoms. Would he have fessed up then? Bit late.

If your baby had contracted and been in real danger when little then the doctors would have faffed around trying to diagnose, when he already knew. Would he have stepped up then and admitted it? Does he have any idea how dangerous herpes is to infants??

I’d be wanting evidence it was 12 years ago and not more recently.

Freedom of information act means he can get a copy of his medical records from 12 years ago to show you for a small fee.

You already know he’s lied. I’d want to know to what extent.

I thought it was ok to have sex with someone with herpes as long as they weren’t having a flare up.

It’s a five day course taking during an outbreak

Not every day for 12 years.

I do not think ur overreacting!
I know herpes isn’t the most serious std but he had unprotected sex with you while he was aware you could contract it and didn’t tell you!!!!
Fuck that trust gone!!

For those who say herpes isn't a big deal, just like coldsores etc. Both are herpes strains. And both are life threatening to new borns.
That would be the big deal to me!!

And the cold sore virus has killed newborn babies so he seriously put your baby at risk.

Sorry methe, prophylactic can be everyday for eternity. But that doesn't excuse the lies.

What dan said. And if hes on meds he has active lesions so was putting you at risk.
If you'd had it you would know. Ist outbreaks are horrendous then less severe each time.
Neonatal herpes kills babies, it damages their brains. So for that YANBU.
Because its lifelong, people go on std dating webites along with those with hiv. It isnt a minor thing at all.

Take time to think it over. Go to a sexual health clinic to get tested and go from there. For me the lying would really upset me and actually I’m very careful with my sexual health so yes I would also be completely turned off knowing he has an std. I think he should have given you the choice to be with him knowing the full facts

I doubt that he’s hidden this from you for 12 years. Sorry to say this but I think he has caught it much more recently. Much more likely scenario than him keeping his secret for 12 yrs and knowingly putting you at risk of infection.
He is so shit scared of being caught out fir cheating that this lie is preferable.

Yeah the taking a tablet every day for 12 years to keep it at bay is more bollocks I'm afraid.
If he's taking them now he's actively flaring.
Have you slept together recently??

I think you’re hugely overreacting.

I didn’t realise it was that strength of dose daily though?

you are not overreacting because herpes can kill newborns. Absolutely horrendous that he could not get over himself enough to tell you for the sake of the safety of your child. Id be livid.
What a fuckwit.
I mean lots of people have it and its not that much of a big deal..... but the lying is a big deal... and letting you have unprotected sex with him without fully informing you of the situation... thats just disgusting.

I would need proof he'd been taking that for 12 years. I'd find it hard to believe he could keep it hidden for that long.

And when you went on holiday and he forgot to take it - you say he had a flare up? Didn't you notice then? Didn't you sleep together?