Hubby has had Herpes for past 12 years and I have only just found out now! What should I do??

[CazInLeith]

First time post here, the last week has just been a blur.

Hubby and I are in our mid 30s, married just over a year ago, known each other for 6 years, dated for 2 years before getting hitched, just had first baby born on 1st June (10/11 weeks old). Around a week ago I was trying to find a pen to use in hubby’s work bag and came across a stash of suspicious looking pills in a side pocket labelled ‘aciclovir 400mg’, a quick google search and I discover this is a standard retroviral medication for herpes!

Horrid 3hrs of wondering what to do whilst waiting for him to come home. Decide to confront him that same evening. He opens up and admits it straight away. I’d found out about his ‘secret’ - apparently he slept with a random 12 years ago whilst at university and contracted herpes. You can’t get rid of herpes apparently, it’s with you for life, all you can do is manage the symptoms by taking long term medication. And apparently he’s been secretly taking this medication every day for the past 12 years(!)

At the moment, I’ve got him sleeping in the spare bedroom. No chance of any intimacy at the moment.

Where do we go from here?

1. I’m terrified I might have this too. Goodness knows how many times we’ve had unprotected sex whilst trying to convcieve and since getting pregnant. Getting tested for herpes isn’t simple - I’ve already seen the doctor. Some people are asymptomatic, I may have to wait years to see if I ‘flare up’ into a symptomatic phase, and even then I might not Notice I’m having an ‘active phase’ . For this reason: getting a straight answer to whether you have this horrid little STD isn’t always easy.
2. To put it simply, the doc says they can’t rule out that I don’t have it, but they also can’t say for sure if I do, because the symptoms aren’t always there as thevitus itsekf can lay dormant for months or even years between active phases or ‘flare-ups’, which if a carrier is suppressing with retro viral medication like hubby, may never even ever happen again. There are also a lot of people who have contracted this virus at some point along the way, don’t know they have it, aren’t taking any retrovirals, and don’t even notice when they have the lesions. All the doc can recommend is avoiding unprotected sex with someone you know has it, i.e. my hubby!
3. It’s very unlikely that I will have passed it onto my baby during the birth (no visible signs of any lesions on baby, and apparently these normally show up very soon after birth if this is the case. Naturally I am terrified that this may be the case and am feeling hugely guilty already in case this happens.
4. Cannot talk to ANYONE I know about this, as is hugely embarrassing, no idea who to turn to, so have ended up coming on here in the hope of finding some answers to it all.

So where do we go from here?

1. Hubby very apologetic, naturally. Lots of flowers and peace offerings happening at he moment.
2. His main excuse is: ‘he wanted to tell me at the start’ but could ‘just never find he right words’.... at start of relationship we were in a romantic patch having been good friends for 4 years before, and it never seemed to be the right time. And then, it went to engagement and the finishing straight into marriage, pregnancy, etc.
3. His main defence is ‘he knows how to manage his symptoms’, he’s been dealing with it for 12 years, he just takes this drug and that keeps it all at bay. Apparently he hasn’t had a visible ‘flare-up’ for 6 years, and that last happened when he went away on holiday for 2 weeks and forgot to take his medication with him.

Here’s my problem:

1. This totally ruins intimacy for me forever now. Even if we used protection every time from now, I can’t get it out of my head that he’s carrying an STD, and that is a major turn-off. I could probably force myself to do it, to preserve the marriage but it would be a massive undertaking, and not something I feel I could get used to.
2. Even if I could manage to get my head around the idea of protected sex, how can I ever go back to unprotected sex knowing this? This really throws ideas of an eventual 2nd child into question. Even if I did eventually build my way back up to unprotected sex again, I’d feel like I was playing Russian roulette with my own health every time.
3. Telling him all this wouldn’t be easy, would probably put him off me
4. He knows I’m angry about it all and probably thinks I will eventually calm down, but i really feel like this is putting a wedge between us that is not going to easily go away. I feel like I’ve been cheated on and lied to. Even if the ‘cheated on’ part isn’t real. His way of looking at it is that all this happened a full 6 years before I even met him, and that he’s just been terribly unlucky. After all, how many of us haven’t had a one night stand in our twenties? Unfortunately for him it’s left a lasting legacy for life.

In some ways I wish I’d never gone and looked for a pen in his bag now, my life wouldn’t be so screwed up now if I had... Am I being unreasonable?

Why would a person take prophylactic acyclovir for genital herpes. Surely doctors have have better things to spend their practices money on.

Fuck, it could have been seriously dangerous for his baby if you had developed them right before birth and no one noticed / picked up on it.

It’s a huge deal that he’s secretly taken meds for 12 years and hid something that he could have easily infected you with. Whether it’s a minor inconvenience - as is for many people - or something you want to avoid catching - the point is that is a choice he made about your body.

It’s not a big deal but it’s a huge deal. I’m not sure I would ever be able to trust my husband if he did something like this and I also cannot imagine keeping something like this a secret from another person I was intimate with.

Because its lifelong, people go on std dating webites along with those with hiv. It isnt a minor thing at all.

It’s this exact crap that puts people off wanting to talk about it. It’s like having cold sores on your genitals. It is in no way fucking comparable to HIV.

Tablet everyday sounds like he has herpes pretty badly!!!!

I have oral herpes. Well that's what cold sores are, but I get absolutely horrible ones, 4 or 5 all over my mouth and my face swells out like a balloon. They go green and scabby. I've been off work the last few days from embarrassment

The lying is fucked up but I don't think people with herpes deserve to be treated like lepers.

If he’s taking the meds and in in the middle of an active outbreak, should he not be limiting contact with your dc? Or is it just an active cold sore that is dangerous to small infants? I can’t remember exactly, sorry, but I have a feeling you have to be cautious around babies if you have certain strains of herpes virus.

I would be pissed off .. I really doubt he's had this for12 years ... he's put your health at risk .. I'd get a full check up, get tested for everything and then deal with the lying when you know you are ok

She’s already been to doctor, they can’t test for it. I’d be most pisses off about the newborn thing. Not really get why he lies for that long, but be fuming that he didn’t come clean when you were trying for a baby.

Course they don’t, it’s just cold sores! I get them on the end of my bloody nose twice a year which is absolutely joyful. I’ve had herpes on my face for maybe 25 years and have managed not to kill any newborns yet, either.

I would think the ops husband is spinning her a yarn though.

Looked up acyclovir. It is usually taken for 5 to 10 days during an outbreak. Or for up to 22 MONTHS to prevent outbreaks. So 12 years seems a bit of a stretch.

And yes there is a herpes dating website. It is not the same as the HIV site as far as I am aware.

All a bit odd. Which doctor did you talk to? Why is he taking acyclovir every day?

I think i read that there are blood tests now that can detect the virus? Swabs only work if you’re having an outbreak so that wouldn’t help you.

I thought I may have herpes when I was a teenager - I had sore patches that seemed strange and went to the STD clinic. They swabbed it and it was clear but they said even that couldn’t rule it out as you have to swab in the early stages when the virus is shedding.

What they did say is that they doubted it was herpes as the first outbreak lesions are extremely extremely painful and I wouldn’t have tolerated the swabbing as well as I did. I think it’s highly unlikely you’d have active lesions and not know about it.

I had almost 20 years of no recurrence and then they appeared again while I was pregnant. I panicked and went back to the STD clinic - the doctor was lovely and said it definitely didn’t look like herpes, and if it were herpes all this time my baby would benefit from the immunity I’d built up over time. Apparently the biggest risk to babies is if you contract it while pregnant.

I can understand why you’re so angry. You should be made aware of any known risks when having sex s

I'd maybe say you're over reacting a little.

Dh told me me had herpes after about 4 years of dating, we'd been living together about two. Weirdly I'd seen the aciclover pills in a bag of his when we v first were seeing each other and he was there and brushed it off as something else! Obviously I know different now!

I was pretty annoyed he'd not told me before, but he was embarrassed and still is about it, he always says it changed how initiate we were with each other but I don't believe that at all.

It's been 10 years and I've never caught it, he's v open if he has an outbreak and we are not intimate in those times, we have two children so have obv have unprotected sex!

I'd say the most likely reason he's not told you is because he was embarrassed.

As PP have said, I would want proof that it was diagnosed 12 years ago. Where has he been hiding his meds before ? I think it's just been contracted, as a HCP I've never heard of taking it every day.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks he's lying! This was probably caught recently, I find it hard to believe that a man could hide something like that for so long.

What a shock for you OP

Of course you’re not overreacting - he’s been lying to you about a medical issue that could affect you and your child. I’d be absolutely livid.

I suggest that you ask him for a copy of his medical records showing the original diagnosis. Maybe it was 12 years ago, maybe not. It’s an awful think to hide from you for so long. I would want completely transparency and reassurance that he hasn’t contracted it more recently (ie since being with you). Even if that seems far fetched the fact that PPs have mentioned the possibility would make it impossible for me to dismiss the idea without him backing up his story.

Having unprotected sex without telling the other person about an STD is sex without informed consent, you would not necessarily have consented to sex without condoms if you had known.

I’m not surprised you don’t want to be intimate with him, it’s a huge violation of your trust.

If there’s any way you’ll get through this I think medical records and couples counselling will be a must.

it isn’t “my husband told me when we first met that he has herpes”

its “my husband failed to disclose his STD to me, even when i fell pregnant”

also, those saying it isnt a big deal, have you read some of the experiences of those with herpes? the pain can be intolerable and difficult to manage. it isnt like getting a coldsore once a year.

honestly there would be no way back for me in this situation. it wasn’t for him to decide on your behalf that you’d be happy having unprotected sex.

and yeah, get evidence of 12 years use because no way could you not slip up and leave some lying around in 12 years!

Huge overreaction. If he had cold sores which is the same virus I’m sure you wouldn’t be treating him the same way.

Are the people posting these "over reaction" posts people who have cold sores?

I don't get cold sores and have always been ultra particular about not dating or even kissing anyone I knew who gets them. I always ask a new partner very early on whether they get cold sores. I also avoid any kind of hand to hand contact with friends who have cold sores when they are 'live'.
I suppose I always thought everyone who didn't get them was really careful about cold sores. Is that wrong or is it more the case that people who get cold sores are more relaxed about this?

I totally get where the OP is coming from as I would be horrified and would be in a major state of paranoia too. It would be a major turn off for me.

OK. So basically you may have already had herpes before you even met. There is no such thing as protected sex when it comes to herpes. Condoms don't prevent you prom catching them even if they don't break. A third of people have herpes. Obviously it was extremely wrong of him not to tell you before you had sex the first time. But feeling like you can have sex with him ever again because of the herpes is an overreaction. Feeling like you can't sleep with him because you can't trust him on the other hand is pretty reasonable.

Im sure a woman successfully prosecuted her ex boyfriend for knowingly infecting her with Herpes

Herpes bodies argued it would increase the stigma but the courts agreed he had limited all her future relationships and sexual health, knowingly, without her consent.

Imo it is a crime, you dont consent to sex with someone with an infectious sti, when you dont know they have it.
This of course doesnt stand if either partner are unaware.

Herpes is not the end of the world, would you feel like this about recurring thrush? You can take meds long term to prevent flare ups. On the other hand it is a virus and makes you feel ill during an attack. It can be managed. It's the non disclosure that's the problem. Not giving you the info to make your own decision and protect your child.

I can understand why you are upset as it probably is the lying for 12 years that is the issue. Not sure why he would have lied to you for so long especially once you were pregnant.

Do you know which type of herpes he has? I have oral herpes on my genitals which I caught from my husband when he had a cold sore. Naively we didn’t know what he had, thought it was sunburn. The pain was immense, so much so that I wasn’t phased discussing my sex life with our gp in front of my mum! I spent a week in bed and was terrrifed to go to the loo as it was unbearable.

Apparently the first time is by far the worst so you would probably know if you had it too. I have read that if a person has frequent outbreaks in the first year they will be px daily meds.

It's a manageable condition.

But it's also one he's lied to you about. For 12 years.

That's a lot to come back from, OP, and rebuild trust again.

But first and foremost I'd get yourself to a sexual health clinic for some proper information and make him go with you.

I have aciclovir 400mg on repeat prescription (twice daily) and have had it for at least 3 years because of the mouth cold sores I was getting almost monthly (when I used to menstruate), every sunny holiday and every time I was stressed. I don't take them that often but keep them on hand for hols abroad and for times when I'm run down. Yes people do take it to keep herpes viruses of all types at bay over years. It is also very effective and has made my life better as the sores were so terribly painful.