Hubby has had Herpes for past 12 years and I have only just found out now! What should I do??

[CazInLeith]

First time post here, the last week has just been a blur.

Hubby and I are in our mid 30s, married just over a year ago, known each other for 6 years, dated for 2 years before getting hitched, just had first baby born on 1st June (10/11 weeks old). Around a week ago I was trying to find a pen to use in hubby’s work bag and came across a stash of suspicious looking pills in a side pocket labelled ‘aciclovir 400mg’, a quick google search and I discover this is a standard retroviral medication for herpes!

Horrid 3hrs of wondering what to do whilst waiting for him to come home. Decide to confront him that same evening. He opens up and admits it straight away. I’d found out about his ‘secret’ - apparently he slept with a random 12 years ago whilst at university and contracted herpes. You can’t get rid of herpes apparently, it’s with you for life, all you can do is manage the symptoms by taking long term medication. And apparently he’s been secretly taking this medication every day for the past 12 years(!)

At the moment, I’ve got him sleeping in the spare bedroom. No chance of any intimacy at the moment.

Where do we go from here?

1. I’m terrified I might have this too. Goodness knows how many times we’ve had unprotected sex whilst trying to convcieve and since getting pregnant. Getting tested for herpes isn’t simple - I’ve already seen the doctor. Some people are asymptomatic, I may have to wait years to see if I ‘flare up’ into a symptomatic phase, and even then I might not Notice I’m having an ‘active phase’ . For this reason: getting a straight answer to whether you have this horrid little STD isn’t always easy.
2. To put it simply, the doc says they can’t rule out that I don’t have it, but they also can’t say for sure if I do, because the symptoms aren’t always there as thevitus itsekf can lay dormant for months or even years between active phases or ‘flare-ups’, which if a carrier is suppressing with retro viral medication like hubby, may never even ever happen again. There are also a lot of people who have contracted this virus at some point along the way, don’t know they have it, aren’t taking any retrovirals, and don’t even notice when they have the lesions. All the doc can recommend is avoiding unprotected sex with someone you know has it, i.e. my hubby!
3. It’s very unlikely that I will have passed it onto my baby during the birth (no visible signs of any lesions on baby, and apparently these normally show up very soon after birth if this is the case. Naturally I am terrified that this may be the case and am feeling hugely guilty already in case this happens.
4. Cannot talk to ANYONE I know about this, as is hugely embarrassing, no idea who to turn to, so have ended up coming on here in the hope of finding some answers to it all.

So where do we go from here?

1. Hubby very apologetic, naturally. Lots of flowers and peace offerings happening at he moment.
2. His main excuse is: ‘he wanted to tell me at the start’ but could ‘just never find he right words’.... at start of relationship we were in a romantic patch having been good friends for 4 years before, and it never seemed to be the right time. And then, it went to engagement and the finishing straight into marriage, pregnancy, etc.
3. His main defence is ‘he knows how to manage his symptoms’, he’s been dealing with it for 12 years, he just takes this drug and that keeps it all at bay. Apparently he hasn’t had a visible ‘flare-up’ for 6 years, and that last happened when he went away on holiday for 2 weeks and forgot to take his medication with him.

Here’s my problem:

1. This totally ruins intimacy for me forever now. Even if we used protection every time from now, I can’t get it out of my head that he’s carrying an STD, and that is a major turn-off. I could probably force myself to do it, to preserve the marriage but it would be a massive undertaking, and not something I feel I could get used to.
2. Even if I could manage to get my head around the idea of protected sex, how can I ever go back to unprotected sex knowing this? This really throws ideas of an eventual 2nd child into question. Even if I did eventually build my way back up to unprotected sex again, I’d feel like I was playing Russian roulette with my own health every time.
3. Telling him all this wouldn’t be easy, would probably put him off me
4. He knows I’m angry about it all and probably thinks I will eventually calm down, but i really feel like this is putting a wedge between us that is not going to easily go away. I feel like I’ve been cheated on and lied to. Even if the ‘cheated on’ part isn’t real. His way of looking at it is that all this happened a full 6 years before I even met him, and that he’s just been terribly unlucky. After all, how many of us haven’t had a one night stand in our twenties? Unfortunately for him it’s left a lasting legacy for life.

In some ways I wish I’d never gone and looked for a pen in his bag now, my life wouldn’t be so screwed up now if I had... Am I being unreasonable?

"'So, he initially intended to tell all women before he had sex with them, however, he was finding women didn't want to be exposed to it, so they turned him down. Because he was getting turned down more frequently he then decided he would only tell women he felt could be really serious.
So he would sleep with more women as he wasn't telling them, but anyone serious he would kindly tell after possibly infecting them.
He intended to do the right thing, until he found he couldn't get his end away as much, so did away with that and only intended to tell the really serious women. And he dares call another woman a slapper'

It really is grim when you think how many 'not serious' women he could have infected"

The random slapper comment confirms what he thinks of women.

If one of the previous partners has been infected and knows it was him she could well come after him.......................with a lawyer in tow!

'm just interested in which kind of GP surgery can provide 12 years of medical history in minutes?

Yes, I am pretty sure it doesn't work that way does it? Can you really see your GP and get 12 years history just printed off on the same day?

Don't you have to make some kind of formal request?

I would assume anyone wanting 12 years of medical history would have to submit a FOI or SAR and pay for the photocopies.

Or at least give a few days notice, if GP was prepared to do this without a written request or payment.

Maybe the OP has an extremely helpful GP!

I asked for my medical records before moving abroad and the receptionist printed off mine, my husband's (pretty sure they shouldn't actually have given me his!) and my children's there and then. We'd been at the practice for 10 years so yes it is possible to have them done straight away.

I had to wait over a fortnight for my medical notes and it was for one thing only and what a pain in the arse that was.

that beside why didn't you both have a sexual screening done before having sex in the early days of the relationship

another factor he should of told you when ttc because of the risks to the baby.

You want to forgive I can see you back here in a year saying its over cause you can't get past the fact he lied and not for a wee while but 6 years.

Well you're lovely aren't you!

You have him sleeping in the spare room, jesus christ talk about making him feel like shit.

I honestly feel sorry for him.

You're putting all the blame on him for not telling you when you could have been tested for std's before you started shagging without the condom. Your sexual health is your responsibility.

Tbh I would be hugely pissed off and I wouldnt be able to ever sleep with dh again if something like this came out. I’ve always made sure I get tested between partners and always ask partners before sex.
I would not ever knowingly sleep with someone with an sti/std as I don’t want one and that’s my right, I simply wouldn’t consent to possibly being infected.

There is two issues; one he could of infected the op on any sexual encounter and could not be bothered to give her the choice because he was scared of rejection

Two that his his this from her for all these years and even though pregnancy.

Just in case you missed this in all the furore - @CazInLeith.

theworstwife Tue 21-Aug-18 21:25:22
Lots of misinformation here - OP please take it with a pinch of salt. I am a consultant in sexual health if you wanted to PM me please feel free

I thought your latest post was well judged btw.

Phew. It took a long time to read through all this and get to berryland’s post, but it was worth it in the end. I highly urge the rest of you to do the same

I’m currently on aciclover for shingles - this is irrelevant as are many of the other posts on this thread.

He wouldn't of needed his whole 12 years of history, he would only need a print out of his medication, and alongside that is when it was first prescribed.
You can usually get one or two things printed off quite quickly, I needed a diagnosis letter for a specialist and they just looked up when I had been and printed it off.

Myheartbelongsto, he deserves to feel like shit, he's treated her like shit since they've been in a relationship together and he lied every single day.
He's not like others who could forget about it, he has medication twice a day, it will be on his mind every day. He didn't even feel the need when she was pregnant and it could've cost them the life of their child.
Shit is the absolute minimum of what he actually is.

Medical records access - our surgery allows online access to records, once you have filled in the proper request and it is all set up, you can look at, and print off any information you want, whenever you want.

My partner has herpes and he told me before we had sex. It was so hard for him, but my reaction was just a simple 'ok, thanks for telling me!'

I was able to google it, to make informed decisions, and we decided to use condoms. He went on medication when we started ttc. Herpes can be dangerous for an unborn baby (didn't catch if you had kids or not?).

The fact that he has herpes isn't a big deal at all. The fact that he chose not to tell you is. Having cold sores is just not the same. Genital herpes can be agony, it can harm an unborn foetus and usually occurs much more regularly than cold sores. There's a reason that long term medication is routinely available for genital herpes and not oral.

I haven't rtft however hope you can both sort this out between you. Not good that he lied, not so bad that he has herpes.

I would struggle with the lies. Looking at the answers on this thread I can understand why he withheld the information but it was always going to come out. Personally in terms of working out whether you should stay or not, I'd give it a few months. Also for anyone out there reading this who has an STI and needs to tell someone, it's really not that bad, most people are actually forgiving if you are honest with them. People get pissed when you lie and bullshit them.

'Shagging without condoms' comes up again.

CONDOMS DON'T PROTECT AGAINST HERPES!

breathes out….

25-30% of pregnant women have general herpes.

It’s EXTREMLY common. Just most people don’t know they have it. Many on this thread who think they don’t actually do have it.

The above is a note on herpes, a completely separate topic to the lying husband.

Can I just check - this is genital herpes the OP is discussing isn’t it?

I am surprised that the husband wasn’t advised of the potential dangers for pregnant women and advised to ensure his partner and her care givers were aware.

It really isn’t that big a deal to have herpes. It’s a big deal to keep it a secret

I feel sorry for you and you are not over reacting. I don’t understand how some posters have said otherwise. What is wrong with the people saying it isn’t a big deal or it’s just cold sores on your genitals??!! Maybe I live on a different planet but he risked your health. Isn’t that important?! And for such a long time. Even if it is ‘only cold sores’ surely no one wants to live with that! You are married and have shared a long time with this man so it isn’t like you was the careless one. I accept that this happened before you but I’m sorry it should have been mentioned and then you could have decided for yourself whether or not you wanted to take the risk. If it was HIV then everyone would be up in arms. IMO your health is important no matter how big or small and it clearly and rightly worries you so no I do not think this is an over reaction at all!! Good luck x

You are not overreacting. I would be so angry and disappointed and sad too. I don't know what the answers are. I think it's the lying and deceit that bother me the most and that he had unprotected sex with you while knowing he could give it to you. So selfish.

Hand washing is very important if you rub your eyes after being in contact with a lesion you can get infected eyes and if not treated it can cause blindness.

I’d be fucking livid. I will never again put up with someone lying, or lying by omission because protecting themself suits them more than telling the truth which is vital to me.

Whilst I agree that herpes isn’t that serious, it is vital somebody knows as there are measures to take and warning signs to look out for plus there was a pregnancy that could be affected. What would have been no big deal has become a huge deal because of the lie.

@Joysmum
My god I couldn't agree more. Brilliant post with excellent points. Especially protecting himself above you OP because it suits him more.

And the same for never putting up with a selfish lying bastard ever again. I'm guessing from your post you have put up with too much shit in the past. Me too. So both you and I wouldn't ever put up with it again.

But the question is; why should it ever be "put up with" at all? It shouldn't take a traumatic experience to set your bar higher than a deceitful lying selfish man, who put your health and comfort, and the potential loss of your baby, above himself. Twat.

I know a lot about herpes. I don't have it. But someone close to me does. Firstly, yes you can take antivirals for years and they massively reduce the chances of infection.
I think you need to call the herpes helpline people. herpes.org.uk/contact-us/
They're massively helpful and reassuring.
He lied. That's bad. Especially bad because for some of that time you were pregnant, and it can be dangerous if you have a flare up at the point of giving birth. But being infected per se isn't a big deal - it's a cold sore down below. And it's not nec a sign of having slept around. But I'd want some evidence of when he discovered he was infected.
Try to keep your head together and get some info.
I'm pretty amazed tbh that he has managed to keep medication hidden all that time... so def check the story.
Good luck

And it frustrates me that HIV is mentioned in the same breath as herpes. The support organisation I linked to are really good on this - telling you how many people have it, how many people may not know they have it. It's a shame OP's husband didn't speak to them 12 years ago; it would have given him the info and courage to tell
His wife to be.
When I rang them to find out more the phone was answered by a fairly mature lady who told me she had it but her husband of 30 years had never contracted it.
Regarding outbreaks, yes the first one is horrendous (at least in the experience of my relative). Worse too for women. But even she says (and she hasn't had a subsequent outbreak) that she'd rather have it down below than visible in her lips. In fact her infection is the oral strain, but in her genitals. So you can guess how she caught it!
So OP you need to find out what strain it is - 1 or 2. If it's the mouth one but in genitals it's unlikely to be as virulent.

I'm a Neonatal Nurse and I can assure you that Herpes does kill babies.
I've know of a handful of deaths in the last 10 years, which may not seem many, but absolutely devastating for the parents.

Presumably, if a woman has herpes and tells her midwife she is automatically prescribed anti virals for the birth? Is that correct?