Hubby has had Herpes for past 12 years and I have only just found out now! What should I do??

[CazInLeith]

First time post here, the last week has just been a blur.

Hubby and I are in our mid 30s, married just over a year ago, known each other for 6 years, dated for 2 years before getting hitched, just had first baby born on 1st June (10/11 weeks old). Around a week ago I was trying to find a pen to use in hubby’s work bag and came across a stash of suspicious looking pills in a side pocket labelled ‘aciclovir 400mg’, a quick google search and I discover this is a standard retroviral medication for herpes!

Horrid 3hrs of wondering what to do whilst waiting for him to come home. Decide to confront him that same evening. He opens up and admits it straight away. I’d found out about his ‘secret’ - apparently he slept with a random 12 years ago whilst at university and contracted herpes. You can’t get rid of herpes apparently, it’s with you for life, all you can do is manage the symptoms by taking long term medication. And apparently he’s been secretly taking this medication every day for the past 12 years(!)

At the moment, I’ve got him sleeping in the spare bedroom. No chance of any intimacy at the moment.

Where do we go from here?

1. I’m terrified I might have this too. Goodness knows how many times we’ve had unprotected sex whilst trying to convcieve and since getting pregnant. Getting tested for herpes isn’t simple - I’ve already seen the doctor. Some people are asymptomatic, I may have to wait years to see if I ‘flare up’ into a symptomatic phase, and even then I might not Notice I’m having an ‘active phase’ . For this reason: getting a straight answer to whether you have this horrid little STD isn’t always easy.
2. To put it simply, the doc says they can’t rule out that I don’t have it, but they also can’t say for sure if I do, because the symptoms aren’t always there as thevitus itsekf can lay dormant for months or even years between active phases or ‘flare-ups’, which if a carrier is suppressing with retro viral medication like hubby, may never even ever happen again. There are also a lot of people who have contracted this virus at some point along the way, don’t know they have it, aren’t taking any retrovirals, and don’t even notice when they have the lesions. All the doc can recommend is avoiding unprotected sex with someone you know has it, i.e. my hubby!
3. It’s very unlikely that I will have passed it onto my baby during the birth (no visible signs of any lesions on baby, and apparently these normally show up very soon after birth if this is the case. Naturally I am terrified that this may be the case and am feeling hugely guilty already in case this happens.
4. Cannot talk to ANYONE I know about this, as is hugely embarrassing, no idea who to turn to, so have ended up coming on here in the hope of finding some answers to it all.

So where do we go from here?

1. Hubby very apologetic, naturally. Lots of flowers and peace offerings happening at he moment.
2. His main excuse is: ‘he wanted to tell me at the start’ but could ‘just never find he right words’.... at start of relationship we were in a romantic patch having been good friends for 4 years before, and it never seemed to be the right time. And then, it went to engagement and the finishing straight into marriage, pregnancy, etc.
3. His main defence is ‘he knows how to manage his symptoms’, he’s been dealing with it for 12 years, he just takes this drug and that keeps it all at bay. Apparently he hasn’t had a visible ‘flare-up’ for 6 years, and that last happened when he went away on holiday for 2 weeks and forgot to take his medication with him.

Here’s my problem:

1. This totally ruins intimacy for me forever now. Even if we used protection every time from now, I can’t get it out of my head that he’s carrying an STD, and that is a major turn-off. I could probably force myself to do it, to preserve the marriage but it would be a massive undertaking, and not something I feel I could get used to.
2. Even if I could manage to get my head around the idea of protected sex, how can I ever go back to unprotected sex knowing this? This really throws ideas of an eventual 2nd child into question. Even if I did eventually build my way back up to unprotected sex again, I’d feel like I was playing Russian roulette with my own health every time.
3. Telling him all this wouldn’t be easy, would probably put him off me
4. He knows I’m angry about it all and probably thinks I will eventually calm down, but i really feel like this is putting a wedge between us that is not going to easily go away. I feel like I’ve been cheated on and lied to. Even if the ‘cheated on’ part isn’t real. His way of looking at it is that all this happened a full 6 years before I even met him, and that he’s just been terribly unlucky. After all, how many of us haven’t had a one night stand in our twenties? Unfortunately for him it’s left a lasting legacy for life.

In some ways I wish I’d never gone and looked for a pen in his bag now, my life wouldn’t be so screwed up now if I had... Am I being unreasonable?

My ex passed on genital warts to me and now and again I get flare ups. I told my dh at the time who was great even though he has got them but he continues to have unprotective sex (no condoms) because we are in a committed relationship and share two dc together.

I don’t believe he has had this for 12 years at all.

I would also be suspicious. You don't take medication every day for 12 years for it.

You probably carry the virus as well, most people have the virus but it doesn't manifest in everybody.

Why don't you make an appointment at your local GUM for both of you and discuss the matter with a doctor there?

I guess now you need to think about if you'd known about the herpes from day 1, would you have continued the relationship?

I think those saying 'herpes isn;t too bad' are totally missing the point.
The point is the deception. OP's husband has removed her right of choice. He knew he had an STD, the choice should have been hers whether she agreed to have unprotected sex with him, not his.
She might have made the choice that some of you are suggesting - that it is a liveable with STD and she could accept it as part of her relationship.
But she might equally have made the choice that she didn't want to have this virus for the rest of her life. That's her right.

I would have absolutely no respect whatsoever for someone who thought that it was up to him to decide whether I was put at risk of herpes. That is what I would find unforgiveable - a total betrayal of trust.
I would probably continue in relationship with someone who had herpes if I thought they were a person I wanted to be with - it is dealable with. i would never stay with someone who carried out such a deception for 12 years, and knowingly put me and my baby at risk without my consent.

Consent comes in to this - 'do you consent to have unprotected sex with me' is not the same question as 'do you consent to have unprotected sex with me when I have herpes'. you cannot give consent when you are not aware of all the facts.

Ok, a lot to take in here. Thank you for the responses. It’s good to hear different points of view on this, exactly what I need right now. THANK YOU.

For the record, he has had it for 12 years, one of the first things I asked for was his medical records because I initially didn’t believe him. He went straight down to the surgery on the day after we had the first long talk and produced his entire history. He’s been on continuous 400mg twice daily acyclovir since the year 2009. Originally on 50mg, then 100mg, then 200mg and finally raised to 400mg in September 2009 as part of suppressive therapy. This is such a high dose for long term suppression therapy that he has to have annual hepatic function checks to ensure he can keep taking it, and there’s evidence of this in every year since 2011. It seems like the real deal - 12 years of herpes, his medical notes a full of references to it.

He should have told you - especially when you were pregnant. I am no a doctor but I think there is a risk it can pass on to the baby during child birth if you caught it late in your pregnancy. Why take this risk - he should have checked it out and spoken up.

Your go should give you all the information.

Youthful gp I meant

I’m sorry, that’s devastating 💐

It would be over for me.

I think he’s lying about having it for 12 years, I think he’s got it much more recently, but either way it would be over because he’s either had sex with someone else or lied to you for years. He has put your sexual health at risk and the life of your baby at risk.

IF he has had it for years (and as I said, I doubt it’s the truth) the ONLY acceptable time to tell you was when your relationship became romantic and before you had sex. Anytime after that is unacceptable.

For me, the decision would be clear cut, it’s over.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

I can understand your anger OP - but, the chances of you having caught it are relatively low, as he is on the anti-virals.

DP has herpes on his face, caught when a young playing rugby with someone who also clearly had it (and shouldn't have been playing). He, despite being very embarrassed, by it told me in the very early days of our relationship. He also takes acyclovir (which has reduced his extremely painful breakouts from once every couple of years, to perhaps once every 5-7 years, and do reduce the length of an attack), plus, when he has an attack he keeps it covered, and we're very careful about separate towels and pillows etc.

I had my pregnancies in places other than the UK, and was tested for herpes each time and I am clear.

The information pages on it do talk about shedding, even when there is no sore present, but so far (touch wood) we haven't had this issue, and just being careful with hygiene (along with the anti-virals) has kept me and the kids clear.

I do hear people saying "it's just a cold sore" fairly frequently, and the stats on how many people have it (although I think they come from the US rather than the UK - certainly growing up, coldsores were rare among my classmates) and I don't feel the same, I think it is very serious, but it can be managed.

She had a baby with him and didn't know!

How is that not unforgivable?

I'm with AnotherEmma here. This could have also caused some serious problems and even death for your baby. I don't think you are over-reacting at all.

think those saying 'herpes isn;t too bad' are totally missing the point.
The point is the deception.

I don't agree with this at all. I think there are two MASSIVE points - one is the deception, the other is the herpes - in my view is a big deal.

I would also be querying a possible 3rd point - which is it really a 12 year job or has he also been unfaithful and recently infected - which is precisely why the OP was unaware he was taking medication every day for 12 years. That's a lot of consistently undetected obtaining of prescriptions, hiding medication and taking it.

I've never heard of long term meds for herpes before. I would be pissed off too op. You would know about it if you had contracted it,

He was wrong to lie. Small point acyclovir is an anti viral not a anti retroviral. Herpes is not a retrovirus.

I'm that people are saying you are over reacting and that this is 'no big deal'. I would be furious. You met a man 6 years ago, best friends, dated, got engaged, got married, had a baby and he hasn't bothered to mention he has an STD that you could catch, that could affect your baby and he's taking meds every single day?

What else is he not telling you? Sorry but if I met someone, fell in love, married them, I would want to start off with an open, honest relationship. He hasn't given you the choice to decide if you want to be 'fully' with him or not because he's only shown you what you want to see and hear. This would be huge red flags for me. Even if he thought, 'If I tell her, she'll leave me'. That's your choice to make, not his.

He's put you and your baby's health at risk. You have no proof that this started 12 years ago. He's lied to you for the entire time you've known him. I wouldn't be ok with that. Is there anyone in RL you can speak to about this? As embarrassing as it might be, you need to look at your options and decide what you're going to do and someone in RL might be better able to give you advice.

Good luck!

I've had it for 25 years, I have anti-virals on repeat prescription for bad outbreaks and always have a pack in reserve. But I don't take them all the time, only with an attack.

But my DH knew right from our 2nd date 20 years ago, and I never wanted children anyway.

Try not to overreact to the condition - it's not the end of the world and perfectly manageable, it's just annoying. But yeah, the lying and putting you and a baby at risk - not great.

The herpes virus can be life threatening to a new born. Surely as someone who has had it for so long this should have been something he thought about as soon as you started trying for a baby? I think I'd be angrier about than rather than the fact that he didn't tell you for 12 years.

Wow! No wonder he didn’t tell you.

I can understand why him keeping it a secret would be hurtful because you would hope that you can talk about anything in a marriage BUT your reaction to this is insane.

You don’t sound very understanding at all. Maybe stop thinking only of yourself and how this affects you and spare a minute or two to consider how he might feel and how you can work through this as a couple.

Where did you think he was when he was at the doctor's and getting prescriptions? That's a hell of a lot of deceit.

Fevs
🙄
AIBU is that way >>>>>

It wouldn't be the herpes but the lying that would finish it for me. I couldn't trust somebody who had removed my right to informed consent. How horrible for you that this has happened, I'm very sorry.

Just asking him to get his medical notes to proof the length of time would show if he’s lying as for sure if it’s more recen5 he’ll say no

I’m really glad that you can tick cheating with another woman off your list, but that leaves you with the systematic lying by omission about something which could make you or your child(ren) ill.
Can you come back from that? Not sure I could.