Hubby has had Herpes for past 12 years and I have only just found out now! What should I do??

[CazInLeith]

First time post here, the last week has just been a blur.

Hubby and I are in our mid 30s, married just over a year ago, known each other for 6 years, dated for 2 years before getting hitched, just had first baby born on 1st June (10/11 weeks old). Around a week ago I was trying to find a pen to use in hubby’s work bag and came across a stash of suspicious looking pills in a side pocket labelled ‘aciclovir 400mg’, a quick google search and I discover this is a standard retroviral medication for herpes!

Horrid 3hrs of wondering what to do whilst waiting for him to come home. Decide to confront him that same evening. He opens up and admits it straight away. I’d found out about his ‘secret’ - apparently he slept with a random 12 years ago whilst at university and contracted herpes. You can’t get rid of herpes apparently, it’s with you for life, all you can do is manage the symptoms by taking long term medication. And apparently he’s been secretly taking this medication every day for the past 12 years(!)

At the moment, I’ve got him sleeping in the spare bedroom. No chance of any intimacy at the moment.

Where do we go from here?

1. I’m terrified I might have this too. Goodness knows how many times we’ve had unprotected sex whilst trying to convcieve and since getting pregnant. Getting tested for herpes isn’t simple - I’ve already seen the doctor. Some people are asymptomatic, I may have to wait years to see if I ‘flare up’ into a symptomatic phase, and even then I might not Notice I’m having an ‘active phase’ . For this reason: getting a straight answer to whether you have this horrid little STD isn’t always easy.
2. To put it simply, the doc says they can’t rule out that I don’t have it, but they also can’t say for sure if I do, because the symptoms aren’t always there as thevitus itsekf can lay dormant for months or even years between active phases or ‘flare-ups’, which if a carrier is suppressing with retro viral medication like hubby, may never even ever happen again. There are also a lot of people who have contracted this virus at some point along the way, don’t know they have it, aren’t taking any retrovirals, and don’t even notice when they have the lesions. All the doc can recommend is avoiding unprotected sex with someone you know has it, i.e. my hubby!
3. It’s very unlikely that I will have passed it onto my baby during the birth (no visible signs of any lesions on baby, and apparently these normally show up very soon after birth if this is the case. Naturally I am terrified that this may be the case and am feeling hugely guilty already in case this happens.
4. Cannot talk to ANYONE I know about this, as is hugely embarrassing, no idea who to turn to, so have ended up coming on here in the hope of finding some answers to it all.

So where do we go from here?

1. Hubby very apologetic, naturally. Lots of flowers and peace offerings happening at he moment.
2. His main excuse is: ‘he wanted to tell me at the start’ but could ‘just never find he right words’.... at start of relationship we were in a romantic patch having been good friends for 4 years before, and it never seemed to be the right time. And then, it went to engagement and the finishing straight into marriage, pregnancy, etc.
3. His main defence is ‘he knows how to manage his symptoms’, he’s been dealing with it for 12 years, he just takes this drug and that keeps it all at bay. Apparently he hasn’t had a visible ‘flare-up’ for 6 years, and that last happened when he went away on holiday for 2 weeks and forgot to take his medication with him.

Here’s my problem:

1. This totally ruins intimacy for me forever now. Even if we used protection every time from now, I can’t get it out of my head that he’s carrying an STD, and that is a major turn-off. I could probably force myself to do it, to preserve the marriage but it would be a massive undertaking, and not something I feel I could get used to.
2. Even if I could manage to get my head around the idea of protected sex, how can I ever go back to unprotected sex knowing this? This really throws ideas of an eventual 2nd child into question. Even if I did eventually build my way back up to unprotected sex again, I’d feel like I was playing Russian roulette with my own health every time.
3. Telling him all this wouldn’t be easy, would probably put him off me
4. He knows I’m angry about it all and probably thinks I will eventually calm down, but i really feel like this is putting a wedge between us that is not going to easily go away. I feel like I’ve been cheated on and lied to. Even if the ‘cheated on’ part isn’t real. His way of looking at it is that all this happened a full 6 years before I even met him, and that he’s just been terribly unlucky. After all, how many of us haven’t had a one night stand in our twenties? Unfortunately for him it’s left a lasting legacy for life.

In some ways I wish I’d never gone and looked for a pen in his bag now, my life wouldn’t be so screwed up now if I had... Am I being unreasonable?

At lot of the info on here re herpes is hysterical.

However. The lying for 12 years would be the issue for me.

He really should have told you as you were pregnant. A friend lost her first baby a few days after birth as she had contracted herpes unknowingly from her husband.

Ok, this is becoming a very hot thread so apologies if I’m not able to answer every question raised here.

Re: the medication every few days, I asked him about this: and I gather 2x400mg pills daily forever is unusual. He was a full 3 years into treatment (2009, contracted 2006) before he was switched to long term suppression therapy under the advice of a consultant virologist. It is unusual, but it is apparently not unheard of, and the BMF states doses can be as high as 1000mg or even 2000mg (short term) in exceptional cases with close medical monitoring. So this is a high dose, but nowhere near as high as you can get. He doesn’t get any of the side effects mentioned, he is luckily completely free of them. Apparently his repeat prescription is renewed routinely once a year following a satisfactory hepatic function blood test to verify that the long term meds aren’t comprising his liver function.

Apparently, when he was first diagnosed he tried telling earlier girlfriends about it prior to engaging in sexual relations and Being honest, open and upfront, but this was met with a lot of antipathy and rejection, and by 2010 he was vowing to never tell anyone until he was getting really serious with them.

The year we got together, I had a lot of crap to deal with. Mum getting cancer, etc. And I can understand why he never felt the time was right to tell me something like this. Especially as we’d been good friends for a number of years before, and I completely knew his whole friend and family circle by this stage. The following year my mum died and we got engaged, it was a dreadful, dreadful year, but he was my crutch throughout it all and has been the most amazing boyfriend, fiancée, husband and father... again I can understand why he chose not to tell me then. Once we were married we started with the unprotected sex (that was a long time after we first got together). No I did not ever quiz him over his sexual history, or ask him directly if he had any STD’s. The thought never crossed my mind, so I don’t completely agree with this idea that he ‘lied to me’, he concealed something from me, there is a difference.

As to his motives, they are understandable. Just look at the amount of vitriol being directed at herpes sufferers here. If you were in his shoes, would you have told your fiancée as her mum was dying “oh by the way, I know you’ve got to organise a funeral shortly and everything, but I just thought I should let you know, I banged some random slapper 6 years ago and I’ve now got herpes for life, but don’t worry! I’m on suppression treatment so it’s all ok! Anyway, back to the coffin brochure - so what do you think? A beech coffin or a walnut veneer?”

Think about it people. I’m not saying what he did was right, but I am saying he was human.

My main concerns now are not whether I can forgive him (with time I’m sure anything is possible), it’s whether i want to, and whether I can be intimate with him without all these thoughts of STIs getting in the way, and spoiling it all. There is a real trust issue here which a lot of you are rightly alluding to. But I have to weigh a lot of things up here:

Do I bin an otherwise good relationship on principle?

If I’ve got it too, which I may have for all I know.. what have I got to loose.

If we had a second baby I know now, and I can take all the precautions necessary, demand a C-section, etc. Forewarned is forearmed.

If I divorced him over this, people are going to ask why. I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t want to tell people the truth there. Even close ones. I think I’d look like a bit of a heartless cow.

And if my son ever found out the real reason (as he surely might when he’s old enough). I’m pretty sure the excuse ‘I divorced your dad because I discovered shortly after you were born hat he caught herpes 6 years before I even met him, and no, you don’t have it and neither do I’ wouldn’t really wash.

I’ve got a lot to still think about here, but please keep responding. Your responses whether commending or critical, understanding or cynical are all really useful here. I’m wanting to get a lot of frank opinions on this.

I admire the fact that you're willing to forgive him. If your relationship is otherwise good then of course it's worth working on this. I think you'll probably have some trust issues, rightly so, for a while. I wouldn't be mad about the herpes, I'd be mad that he lied for so long. He has had millions of opportunities to tell you. He should have fessed up ages ago. I would also be uncomfortable with how easy he found it to hide this from you. Anyone with a conscience would have been eaten up inside by guilt and would have come clean a long time ago.

As to his motives, they are understandable
Not to me they're not. You don't have unprotected sex with someone without disclosing your health status re transmittable conditions. It's an issue of consent.

The ‘random slapper’ comment is uncalled for and misogynistic. You criticise others for showing stigma for herpes sufferers and then make a remark like that.

Oh and what sort of a person decides not to tell someone about an STD until they are really serious? By then it could already have been transmitted. If you have something that can be passed on, you have a fucking responsibility to your partners. I am surprised you are suddenly so forgiving.

Why was he put on the continual medication was he continually getting outbreaks?

It can be you only ever get one serious outbreak and then tiny mild ones. Just seems odd to medicate continually on that drug.

The ‘random slapper’ comment is uncalled for and misogynistic. You criticise others for showing stigma for herpes sufferers and then make a remark like that.

I agree. Not everyone who contracts STDs are “slappers” OP.

He hadn't been taking it every day for the past 12 years. Herpes isn't a active all the time, maybe once or twice a year.

I think your being cruel

Strange in all those years you never saw his meds, symptoms etc.

Peak - I took that comment to mean someone you see a future with but always before sex for the first time as opposed to someone you have just been on a date with a few times. Seems like a sensible approach to me. There is no point in having that sort of discussion with someone unless you see a future.

Look up neurological complications of herpes. These viruses are much more serious then cold sores on someone’s privates.

I'm really surprised by those posters who have said she's overreacting.

This man who promised to love and protect her has been putting her health in danger for years. Not only that, but has put their unborn child at risk, the least he could have done would be to tell her when they were going to try for a baby knowing the risks. It can kill newborns.

He could have changed her life and health forever now and have to put up with the side effects of a lifetime of drugs for this.

What an awful situation, and to think, how long would he have waited to tell you? Would he have? If you developed it, would he accuse you of cheating instead?

This is just awful. I'm so sorry this is the man you married, because the trust just mustn't be there any more.

'The ‘random slapper'

Fucking Awful way to refer to someone he previously 'chose' and probably enjoyed having sex with.

I'd say your DH more likely fits this bill.

He could be some 'random slapper' who goes on to infect more women unbeknown to them if his treatment of you is anything to go by.

No, in all honesty I probably wouldn’t bin an otherwise good relationship but I’d be pretty furious for a while. I’d also want to make an appt with a GP/nurse and discuss the likelihood of me getting it/steps I can take to minimise risk, etc.

Emma if you have an STD that could be transmitted you should tell everyone you have sex with. It’s an entirely selfish approach. A decent person would maybe wait to sleep with someone they saw a future with and tell them before they did. If they wanted to have casual relationships, they would still need to tell the partners. Anything else is disgusting and is how these diseases are spread.

peony jesus christ. it’s ok because he’s on top of it fucking hell.

he’s had his dose increased from 50mg to 400mg over a 12 year period, meaning he has had outbreaks in that time. OP had NO idea and for all she knows, had unprotected sex with her DP at these times.

thats what is disgusting, not the herpes.

Peak - I think we are in agreement. You said "what sort of person" only tells once they are in a serious relationship as if it was a negative thing . I was just pointing out that it is a sensible approach. It is not something to be mentioned on the first date. You would wait until you feel comfortable discussing it. That by implication means you can't have sex until then.

I banged some random slapper 6 years ago

Oh shit- I must be ‘some random slapper’ too!

Ah no, I contracted it when I lost my virginity, using condoms. Such a ‘slapper’ (whatever that is anyway)

@Motherhood101Fail I apologise as I then misunderstood the point you were making. You were referencing the period in which these comparisons were the theme-du-jour but you don't actually hold these views.

YES I'D BIN AN OTHERWISE OK RELATIONSHIP-BECAUSE IT ISN'T AND NEVER WILL BE OK BECAUSE HE LIES AND DISMISSES THE HEALTH OF YOU AND YOUR CHILD.
And the woman he got it from is no more of a slapper than any of us.
I think your husband is morally repugnant and would argue that what he did to you was a form of rape-whether his mother died or not does not take away from that fact. I would not have another child to him. Sunk costs fallacy. You can do better.

Take the point about the ‘random slapper’ remark, but it was how he termed the liaison when he explained it to me, his language not mine. Apologies if I have offended anyone.

But seriously, how many of you have actually directly asked your spouses if they carried any asymptomatic latent STIs before you married them. It is not unreasonable to think that they would have told you if they did have them, and I don’t think it makes me naïve for not asking or suspecting.