Hubby has had Herpes for past 12 years and I have only just found out now! What should I do??

[CazInLeith]

First time post here, the last week has just been a blur.

Hubby and I are in our mid 30s, married just over a year ago, known each other for 6 years, dated for 2 years before getting hitched, just had first baby born on 1st June (10/11 weeks old). Around a week ago I was trying to find a pen to use in hubby’s work bag and came across a stash of suspicious looking pills in a side pocket labelled ‘aciclovir 400mg’, a quick google search and I discover this is a standard retroviral medication for herpes!

Horrid 3hrs of wondering what to do whilst waiting for him to come home. Decide to confront him that same evening. He opens up and admits it straight away. I’d found out about his ‘secret’ - apparently he slept with a random 12 years ago whilst at university and contracted herpes. You can’t get rid of herpes apparently, it’s with you for life, all you can do is manage the symptoms by taking long term medication. And apparently he’s been secretly taking this medication every day for the past 12 years(!)

At the moment, I’ve got him sleeping in the spare bedroom. No chance of any intimacy at the moment.

Where do we go from here?

1. I’m terrified I might have this too. Goodness knows how many times we’ve had unprotected sex whilst trying to convcieve and since getting pregnant. Getting tested for herpes isn’t simple - I’ve already seen the doctor. Some people are asymptomatic, I may have to wait years to see if I ‘flare up’ into a symptomatic phase, and even then I might not Notice I’m having an ‘active phase’ . For this reason: getting a straight answer to whether you have this horrid little STD isn’t always easy.
2. To put it simply, the doc says they can’t rule out that I don’t have it, but they also can’t say for sure if I do, because the symptoms aren’t always there as thevitus itsekf can lay dormant for months or even years between active phases or ‘flare-ups’, which if a carrier is suppressing with retro viral medication like hubby, may never even ever happen again. There are also a lot of people who have contracted this virus at some point along the way, don’t know they have it, aren’t taking any retrovirals, and don’t even notice when they have the lesions. All the doc can recommend is avoiding unprotected sex with someone you know has it, i.e. my hubby!
3. It’s very unlikely that I will have passed it onto my baby during the birth (no visible signs of any lesions on baby, and apparently these normally show up very soon after birth if this is the case. Naturally I am terrified that this may be the case and am feeling hugely guilty already in case this happens.
4. Cannot talk to ANYONE I know about this, as is hugely embarrassing, no idea who to turn to, so have ended up coming on here in the hope of finding some answers to it all.

So where do we go from here?

1. Hubby very apologetic, naturally. Lots of flowers and peace offerings happening at he moment.
2. His main excuse is: ‘he wanted to tell me at the start’ but could ‘just never find he right words’.... at start of relationship we were in a romantic patch having been good friends for 4 years before, and it never seemed to be the right time. And then, it went to engagement and the finishing straight into marriage, pregnancy, etc.
3. His main defence is ‘he knows how to manage his symptoms’, he’s been dealing with it for 12 years, he just takes this drug and that keeps it all at bay. Apparently he hasn’t had a visible ‘flare-up’ for 6 years, and that last happened when he went away on holiday for 2 weeks and forgot to take his medication with him.

Here’s my problem:

1. This totally ruins intimacy for me forever now. Even if we used protection every time from now, I can’t get it out of my head that he’s carrying an STD, and that is a major turn-off. I could probably force myself to do it, to preserve the marriage but it would be a massive undertaking, and not something I feel I could get used to.
2. Even if I could manage to get my head around the idea of protected sex, how can I ever go back to unprotected sex knowing this? This really throws ideas of an eventual 2nd child into question. Even if I did eventually build my way back up to unprotected sex again, I’d feel like I was playing Russian roulette with my own health every time.
3. Telling him all this wouldn’t be easy, would probably put him off me
4. He knows I’m angry about it all and probably thinks I will eventually calm down, but i really feel like this is putting a wedge between us that is not going to easily go away. I feel like I’ve been cheated on and lied to. Even if the ‘cheated on’ part isn’t real. His way of looking at it is that all this happened a full 6 years before I even met him, and that he’s just been terribly unlucky. After all, how many of us haven’t had a one night stand in our twenties? Unfortunately for him it’s left a lasting legacy for life.

In some ways I wish I’d never gone and looked for a pen in his bag now, my life wouldn’t be so screwed up now if I had... Am I being unreasonable?

Just a quick one with regard to the medical records;

He wouldn’t have to ask for 12 years of medical records. The surgery will have each significant and minor ailment listed in date order (from diagnosis) on one screen and that can easily be printed off or you can jump to the actual ailment of interest and click on it for full info.

DH can go in there and request it more or less there and then because he’s not asking for reams and reams of paperwork.

thereallife yes that's correct. It's worse for the baby if the mother has a breakout in late pregnancy.
The cases I've known, the parents were unaware either of them had herpes, and one case was in a healthy but premature baby who it was suspected contracted herpes from a grandparents cold sore.
So sad.

Noticed on your point about another child so just thought I'd advise you on what my friend with herpes was told. You do not need to demand a c section if you have herpes, there's precautions and it is only extremely harmful if there is an outbreak in the third trimester of pregnancy.

Also you would have to have a c section if you had an outbreak, but if there is no outbreak when you go into labour then you can deliver your baby naturally.

You would need to notify your midwife of this so that they are aware and can keep an eye on the signs.

As you say the timing wasn't right for your partner to tell you etc and maybe he thought by taking the medication constantly that there would be no chance you would get it. He isn't an awful person for not telling you, as I've read about many people (and known about my friend) who has had sex with people and not told them that they have it. It must happen all the time. It is something extremely hard to bring up I guess, and judging by your reaction you wouldn't have the relationship and family that you have now if he had told you.

Yes, everyone gets it from
Someone - often from someone who may not know they have it. You could even argue you're safer with a partner who knows - providing of course they tell you, which of course didn't happen in the case of the OP.

99.8% of the population have it. (I was told this by a GUM Consultant) It just takes something to cause an outbreak.

YABVVVVVU

I think the secrecy isn't great.

But I think you need to calm the fuck down about herpes and educate yourself a bit more

Gah! Just seen this is a zombie!

The deceit and risk to my babies, the cavalier attitude to my sexual health, and the worry that if he can keep this lie going for 12 years, what about other lies?

This would be insurmountable.

And you worrying about what to tell people is frankly ridiculous. You say "he lied to me for 12 years" and only divulge more if you want to.

I know it isnt nice but dont be so hard on him,he should have told u when u were trying for a baby i think that part would have got me the most.