Hubby has had Herpes for past 12 years and I have only just found out now! What should I do??

[CazInLeith]

First time post here, the last week has just been a blur.

Hubby and I are in our mid 30s, married just over a year ago, known each other for 6 years, dated for 2 years before getting hitched, just had first baby born on 1st June (10/11 weeks old). Around a week ago I was trying to find a pen to use in hubby’s work bag and came across a stash of suspicious looking pills in a side pocket labelled ‘aciclovir 400mg’, a quick google search and I discover this is a standard retroviral medication for herpes!

Horrid 3hrs of wondering what to do whilst waiting for him to come home. Decide to confront him that same evening. He opens up and admits it straight away. I’d found out about his ‘secret’ - apparently he slept with a random 12 years ago whilst at university and contracted herpes. You can’t get rid of herpes apparently, it’s with you for life, all you can do is manage the symptoms by taking long term medication. And apparently he’s been secretly taking this medication every day for the past 12 years(!)

At the moment, I’ve got him sleeping in the spare bedroom. No chance of any intimacy at the moment.

Where do we go from here?

1. I’m terrified I might have this too. Goodness knows how many times we’ve had unprotected sex whilst trying to convcieve and since getting pregnant. Getting tested for herpes isn’t simple - I’ve already seen the doctor. Some people are asymptomatic, I may have to wait years to see if I ‘flare up’ into a symptomatic phase, and even then I might not Notice I’m having an ‘active phase’ . For this reason: getting a straight answer to whether you have this horrid little STD isn’t always easy.
2. To put it simply, the doc says they can’t rule out that I don’t have it, but they also can’t say for sure if I do, because the symptoms aren’t always there as thevitus itsekf can lay dormant for months or even years between active phases or ‘flare-ups’, which if a carrier is suppressing with retro viral medication like hubby, may never even ever happen again. There are also a lot of people who have contracted this virus at some point along the way, don’t know they have it, aren’t taking any retrovirals, and don’t even notice when they have the lesions. All the doc can recommend is avoiding unprotected sex with someone you know has it, i.e. my hubby!
3. It’s very unlikely that I will have passed it onto my baby during the birth (no visible signs of any lesions on baby, and apparently these normally show up very soon after birth if this is the case. Naturally I am terrified that this may be the case and am feeling hugely guilty already in case this happens.
4. Cannot talk to ANYONE I know about this, as is hugely embarrassing, no idea who to turn to, so have ended up coming on here in the hope of finding some answers to it all.

So where do we go from here?

1. Hubby very apologetic, naturally. Lots of flowers and peace offerings happening at he moment.
2. His main excuse is: ‘he wanted to tell me at the start’ but could ‘just never find he right words’.... at start of relationship we were in a romantic patch having been good friends for 4 years before, and it never seemed to be the right time. And then, it went to engagement and the finishing straight into marriage, pregnancy, etc.
3. His main defence is ‘he knows how to manage his symptoms’, he’s been dealing with it for 12 years, he just takes this drug and that keeps it all at bay. Apparently he hasn’t had a visible ‘flare-up’ for 6 years, and that last happened when he went away on holiday for 2 weeks and forgot to take his medication with him.

Here’s my problem:

1. This totally ruins intimacy for me forever now. Even if we used protection every time from now, I can’t get it out of my head that he’s carrying an STD, and that is a major turn-off. I could probably force myself to do it, to preserve the marriage but it would be a massive undertaking, and not something I feel I could get used to.
2. Even if I could manage to get my head around the idea of protected sex, how can I ever go back to unprotected sex knowing this? This really throws ideas of an eventual 2nd child into question. Even if I did eventually build my way back up to unprotected sex again, I’d feel like I was playing Russian roulette with my own health every time.
3. Telling him all this wouldn’t be easy, would probably put him off me
4. He knows I’m angry about it all and probably thinks I will eventually calm down, but i really feel like this is putting a wedge between us that is not going to easily go away. I feel like I’ve been cheated on and lied to. Even if the ‘cheated on’ part isn’t real. His way of looking at it is that all this happened a full 6 years before I even met him, and that he’s just been terribly unlucky. After all, how many of us haven’t had a one night stand in our twenties? Unfortunately for him it’s left a lasting legacy for life.

In some ways I wish I’d never gone and looked for a pen in his bag now, my life wouldn’t be so screwed up now if I had... Am I being unreasonable?

Cross posted with you.

So he has had it for 12 years, he’s lied to you your entire relationship. Twice a day, every single day, he takes tablets to keep him from having an outbreak of something he could pass on to you (with or WITHOUT an outbreak) something that could cause serious issues or even kill your baby. He knew that and chose not to tell you.

I could never trust him again.

Huge overreaction - Probably exactly the overreaction your hubby feared.

I have a friend who carries the herpes virus and by her accounts has a great sex life with husband, has conceived and carried two beautiful babies (natural delivery) and they never use condoms.

@AnotherEmma I’m well aware where it is thanks - although I’m not quite an obsessive Mumsnetter as yet so perhaps don’t realise that you’re not allowed to disagree with the op unless you’re in AIBU.....?

She asked what she should do next and I told her my opinion 🤷🏼‍♀️

I would go nuts at this OP. Shocking thing to lie about. I could never get past this. Sorry you are going through this.

Maybe stop thinking only of yourself and how this affects you and spare a minute or two to consider how he might feel
What, you mean like he did when he knowingly exposed her to a STI without her consent? An STI that could have threatened the llife of their child? Why in hell should she consider his feelings?

Your not over reacting at all for me it would be over x

Huge overreaction - Probably exactly the overreaction your hubby feared.

Herpes kills babies.

Herpes is tremendously painful - no, it won't kill a healthy adult, but believe me, when DP has an attack (pre-anti-virals) he was in a lot of pain, for days, plus often fever, and the swollen, weeping sores, and couldn't bring himself to leave the house because of it. It's not something to just shrug off. He would be beside himself if I or the kids caught it from him - hence him making sure we are educated about it, and are careful around anything that's been in contact with his face.

That's how a mature adult deals with it. They don't just stick their head in the sand and not inform the people it will affect.

Some people seem to have missed the OP post saying that the husband has supplied his medical records and he has had it for 12 years.

At first I thought the OP was massively over-reacting. I also found the attitude of some people on this thread to herpes sufferers appalling (and in some case, extremely ignorant).

Like many others, I thought the OP's DH must be lying to her about having herpes for 12 years and was surprised when he was telling the truth.

Forget all the hoopla about herpes for a moment. What would concern me is that the OP's DH is taking daily medication for a health condition and has never once mentioned it to his wife. I find this very suspect and I would have lost all trust in him.

It sounds like he’s really got it badly and yet he’s knowingly exposed you. He’s an utter selfish bastard and I don’t think this is something you can easily move on from.

Just some reassurance re: passing on to your baby. The most recent data shows that even if you have active sores at the time of giving birth there is still only a 3% risk of passing on to your child with a vaginal delivery. It’s so low that they actually don’t automatically recommend c section any longer. You would know for sure if you were having your first outbreak. I totally understand the worry but I think you can relax about having passed it on.

I think you have to ask yourself why he lied. It’s a huge stigma for people. He was young when he got it, I’m very surprised he’s on such high suppressants? That he’s never been off?
Which kind of shows how scared he was to pass it on. He wouldn’t get a flare up whilst on them.

But your reaction is out of control about the actual herpes!! You barely mention the lying! I would have said that was 100% the main problem. I think you’re focusing on the wrong problem.

Did you imply when you were first going out that and std of any kind would end your relationship?
1 in 4 people have herpes. Btw it’s not uncommon at all and you seem swept up in the ignorance of panic hysteria rather than actually dealing with what seems like a relationship with no trust from either side

If you hadn't had a baby I could possibly understand the posts saying you are overreacting etc. (I still don't think you would have been personally) but to potentially put your child's health at risk and say nothing is unforgivable.

I've never had a cold sore...I know this doesn't necessarily mean I don't have herpes, I've never been tested, but I really hope I don't have it. And yes, I would be very very upset if someone put me at risk.

I know it's not leprosy, I know it's not the worst STI out there, but as PPs have said, it can be very dangerous to newborns, and it's just something that anyone would avoid if they could. I would be very very upset if my husband turned out to have it and put me at risk without my knowledge.

@FanWithoutAGuard

Genuine question then - If herpes kills babies, how are the billions (yes, billions) of herpes carriers in the world successfully having healthy babies?

fevs
You are not just disagreeing with the OP, you are attacking her and it’s uncalled for. I don’t like to see it anywhere on the site but especially not in Relationships where I hope people will be more supportive than somewhere like AIBU.

You have accused her of “thinking only of herself” which is complete and utter nonsense. Unlike her selfish coward of a husband, she is thinking about the risk to THEIR BABY and not just herself. He’s the one who has only thought of himself and has not considered the health of his wife and child, and her right to make informed decisions about sex and contraception.

Sexism is subtle but pervasive. A woman who is justifiably furious with a man is accused of “overreacting”, being “hysterical” (in the very first reply!!) and “insane” - won’t she think of his feelings, how dare she think of her own!!

If he can prove he's not contracted it whilst you've been together I could forgive him.

He did think of his wife and baby in terms of their health
He took crazy amounts of aclivor every day for 12 years which he didn’t need to do to stop transmission.

But he lied. And you need to work out why

Genuine question then - If herpes kills babies, how are the billions (yes, billions) of herpes carriers in the world successfully having healthy babies?

Because you have to have bad luck, and the baby to be exposed and catch it. Just like with every other disease that kills children.

This one is manageable - it's painful, and life-threatening to babies, but manageable - AS LONG AS YOU KNOW ABOUT IT.

OP's DP didn't tell her, she didn't know, this is what's unbelievable. That someone could have this, seriously enough to be on a high dose of the anti-virals (DP, for his daily dose is less than half that) and not tell their partner.

The anti-virals don't entirely prevent attacks - they just make them much less likely. DP takes them and is careful around what he eats/stress/sunlight etc - (he's worked out his triggers in the last 20-odd years).

I am also aghast at people saying this is no big deal at all. The point is, if I have a disease and I know I can pass this on to others, should I not give those people the choice as to whether they wish to take the risk of being infected? If someone is placing trust in me that I do not have a disease (by having unprotected sex with me) and I know that I do in fact have something that would stay with that person for life and could be passed on to our child, on what planet is it okay for me to simply not mention it and at least give the other person a choice?

Would any of you be saying this about HIV as well? After all, you can now have an almost normal life expectancy with it- it's nowhere near like what it was in the 80s and 90s. Some doctors say they would rather have HIV than diabetes. Should it be okay to take away someone's choice with HIV as well? Remember that this man is on pretty high-dose medication for life. I am sure it has some potential side-effects. If the OP has caught it, she would also need to take medication. Is it really fair and reasonable to subject her to that?

I truly am shaking my head at the state of some of these replies. If it were me, I think I would have to leave him. I don't accept that someone who cares about another person would willingly expose them to a life-long medical condition that requires daily tablets.

I hate that you are being told that you are over-reacting or being hysterical. You aren't!

It must have come like a shock and it's a massive thing to not tell.

I'd honestly understand you totally if you said you were re-considering the marriage.

I can understand that it must have been hard for him but that's not the point here - it is you, your relationship and more importantly your choices that he messed around with by not being forthright.

If you LTB over this you'd not be behaving 'hysterically' at all.

I think the sheer shock of a recent discovery like this is bound to cause a certain amount of overreaction. It takes a while to process.

For me, the amount of deception involved over such a long period of time would probably mean divorce. If I loved someone enough to marry them and have a child, I would have made sure I told them such an important thing, and given them the choice about how they dealt with it.

It's entirely likely that an early disclosure would have met with a much more favourable response- if it was told calmly and with all the facts, perhaps with a visit to a GUM clinic for the full information. I don't think I could live with someone who had kept this sort of thing from me even during pregnancy.

AmyRhodes I had a patient who had to have a Csection because she was in the active sore stage. I believe the infection was quite recent, so presumably more high risk.
These pregnancies can be safely managed of course, but you really need to be as informed as possible.

The biggest danger to babies is a high viral load and shedding-usually on first outbreak. If this is during pregnancy it is so dangerous that women have to have a c section, even after taking drugs.