Is my marriage really ending?

[Isitovernow]

I'm a big fan of MN & I think great advice is given. So hopefully some of you might have some thoughts on my situation...

My DH and I are married just over 1 year. We had a long on-off relationship before that. I've always loved him but in many ways, for me, he fell short...we are now married and I have that awful 'I see this if?' feeling. We haven't had sex in about three months and there is very little sexual interest on both sides. We are both physically fit, healthy & attractive but the spark is well and truly gone. We tried couples' counselling once before and my DH said never again.

On the plus side, my DH is reliable, he works very hard, he's loyal, I don't think he'd ever cheat, he cares about me and comes to all my family occasions (& I to his). I am attracted to him but I don't look up to him. He looks to me for a lot of guidance.

Even right now, we are on holidays in a lovely place and I'm secretly writing this while he sits on the toilet reading his iPad! He looked so excited to be going in there to do it too. We've been away alone a week and no sex.

I have tried talking to him numerous times about our difficulties or lack of sex. He just says 'yeah I know' and then changes the subject. He often mentions having children too!

I'm confused! Does this sound like a marriage on its last legs to you or is it the best I can do?

Sorry, I meant 'is this it?' feeling.

P.S. I was on this regularly under a different username when I was TTC. I don't have children. I'd really really appreciate any helpful thoughts or advice.

It doesn’t sound good. Is this what you want for the rest of your life?

Op, did you get married thinking it would improve things if you did. So in realty a sticking plaster marriage rather than a sticking plaster baby?

There is no right or wrong way to do marriage. It's normal for lots of people to have happy sexless marriages. It depends what do you want from your marriage? At any stage in your time together have you had a active sex life or has it always been this way

OP, if you’re “on holiday in a lovely place”, and DH is in the bathroom wanking over porn on his iPad while you detail your unhappiness with the marriage on MN, then I rather think you’ve answered your own question.

Thanks for the responses. Oh gosh he wasn't wanking in the loo. He was reading sports articles!

We had a very active sexual life in the beginning. We were all over each other. I cannot imagine that now ...

I think you need to think about asking yourself, and him, the right questions.

It’s better to know sooner or later.

Eg re sex, the right question is whether you both are happy with the amount of sex in the relationship? Do you both want to have children? If so, within what timescale and how would this change your sexlife?

Are you both happy with the relationship are it is or are there aspects you’d prefer to be different?

That's the reason I split up with my first long term boyfriend/fiance. Absolutely loved him and he ticked all the boxes but by the time we were going to get married, he was more like a brother and a friend. Still think he's brilliant on the few occasions that we meet up. Still love him and enjoy spending time with him but I know I couldn't sleep with him.

Yeah we have become close friends rather than a couple. The best sexual experiences I have are on my own! I've asked him if he does and he said no. I think I believe him too. It's like he's lost his sex drive and I wish he could be my best friend rather than sexual partner! It wasn't like this before we god married. We had sex about once or twice a month then (which is a lot compared to now).

Thanks for those good questions ... I will go there.

got married

He has to hide in the loo to “read sports articles”?!
Aw, bless you, OP. You are a sweet naive soul. I’m off now to read a sports article...

People reqd on the toilet Babcock. My ex use to look at phones online. I know of others that read actual books. Yep, books, go figure.!!!!

I have read the daily mail online when on the loo. Just to widen your eyes :)

Babdoc*

My DH is a good, decent man & we are having a nice enough holiday together. We're extremely comfortable around each other. I can't imagine leaving him. But this doesn't feel like how marriage should be. I used to be a romantic, sexual person & now I'm cruising along like this ...

Are you still with the person sunsun?

It is a long time to live without chemistry. It's not an ideal marriage but when I read about some awful scenarios, I think it could be a lot worse ... we were never an ideal match.

But god, I don't think I could actually leave him. Even though he knows I'm worried etc, I don't think he realises all of this could be a deal breaker.

Thanks for all of your responses. I don't know what I'm holding on or out for. I haven't given many details of my marriage here as obviously it's not a novel but have any of you been in a situation where it's 50/50? My DH has some excellent traits that make him so right for me (solid, good job, wants to be a parent, loyal like I am, would never cheat, easygoing as I am) yet we are arguing a lot more than we used to and most of the arguments come down to my feelings being hurt and a feeling of not being listened to.

It's seems awful to throw in the towel but I'm just now sure what else to do. I've tried talking to him numerous times. I've sat him down numerous times. I'm like a broken 'save our marriage' record. He just doesn't 'do' talking! Yesterday, I suggested couples' counselling again. That might be our only option, if only to ease us in to divorce...

Has anyone been in a situation like this or have anything helpful to suggest? Sorry, I know I'm probably just looking to read what I already know.

How old are you both and how long was your relationship before?

Sex once or twice a month is not a lot.

We're both 35 and the relationship was 8 years before. My DH always told me from the start that he had a low sex drive and that he found me sexually intimidating (I had a very high sex drive when we first got together).

Sex isn't our only issue but on paper, I've a good thing going. Yet, even on holiday, I feel sad and like this isn't how married life should be.

Then I think you need to accept sex isn't his thing. For whatever reason. As such your decision is can you lead a sexless life?

@Bluntness100

Thanks. I was always a pretty sexual person. As the years have gone by, I realise that it's not the be all and end all. The thing is, my DH isn't as smart as I am (I'm not being arrogant. It's an anonymous forum and the only place I've ever said or written that). It can be frustrating just how much he doesn't get and just how much we can't talk about.

I'm all too aware from single friends though that the grass is always greener.

I'm guess I'm just bummed out and disappointed that this is what I got...and I'm trying to figure out if being single would top this as I know, again from my single friends, that there's no guarantee I'd meet this great, smarter guy who was in to sex and also a loyal life partner.

I left a sexless marriage, but we had other, arguably bigger issues too. I don't think I'd have ended it on the basis of us not having sex (at least not at the point where I did end it) but having gone from that, to experiencing fantastic and regular sex with someone I fancy the pants off, clarifies for me how important attraction and intimacy and regular bonking () really is for me. If it dwindles with DP like it did with XH I'll be off.

@Dljlr

Thanks for your response. Yeah, I think we have many more issues too. I don't think a marriage becomes sexless for no reason...

How was the break-up? Was the divorce amicable? I don't think my DH gets that I'm actually serious about all of this and that I can't spend the rest of my life like this. It's like we're friends who need each other but aren't in love.