Is my marriage really ending?

[Isitovernow]

I'm a big fan of MN & I think great advice is given. So hopefully some of you might have some thoughts on my situation...

My DH and I are married just over 1 year. We had a long on-off relationship before that. I've always loved him but in many ways, for me, he fell short...we are now married and I have that awful 'I see this if?' feeling. We haven't had sex in about three months and there is very little sexual interest on both sides. We are both physically fit, healthy & attractive but the spark is well and truly gone. We tried couples' counselling once before and my DH said never again.

On the plus side, my DH is reliable, he works very hard, he's loyal, I don't think he'd ever cheat, he cares about me and comes to all my family occasions (& I to his). I am attracted to him but I don't look up to him. He looks to me for a lot of guidance.

Even right now, we are on holidays in a lovely place and I'm secretly writing this while he sits on the toilet reading his iPad! He looked so excited to be going in there to do it too. We've been away alone a week and no sex.

I have tried talking to him numerous times about our difficulties or lack of sex. He just says 'yeah I know' and then changes the subject. He often mentions having children too!

I'm confused! Does this sound like a marriage on its last legs to you or is it the best I can do?

[phooof]. long breath out.

I honestly don't know. I was miserable on several levels. I wanted a child, he didn't. Because that was such a huge issue, I kind of left everything else that was wrong in our relationship, and there was quite a lot. It eventually gave me a solid reason to leave and hurt him.

But there was also stuff that was really right. I've never had so many in-jokes with anyone, in fact I still say some of them even though I've had another marriage three times as long since! We had so many lightning moments - I wasn't as clever as him but I wasn't too far off and things would spark between us in a really fun way. There was something about him that was just great - he was a survivor and hugely competent at loads of stuff and I admired him. He was great with money and adored me, but the adoration mainly took the form of not seeing why I'd need anyone else at all in my life (friends, family) and the money thing led to a lot of boasting which I can't stand, and the dysfunctional stuff he'd survived made him miserable and complex and a bit of a PITA. As for me, the compromises that I CHOSE to make living with him made me miserable as fuck. Our sex life never died though, it was probably our most functional area, though tbh in my case that's not saying a lot.

Thanks for sharing. Yeah they sound so different but the similarities are the fact I'm unhappy & so were you. I supppse in all relationships, even doomed ones, there are good aspects. There are some very specific things about my DH that I'll really miss. He's generous with his time and a real community man. I love that.

Yet I know I'm going to end up leaving him ...

It's gotten to the stage where I'm thinking we'd both be happier alone. It's just odd that he can't see that. But as someone said, no one can be responsible for another's happiness. My counsellor keeps saying that too. I'm pissed off I got married though. Where was all this clarity then?

The drive to be married, to be with someone, is so bloody strong. Especially if you want children. You believe you can make a great life together. You don't intend to become your mother (which is what I did in my first marriage) or a carer (which is what I became in my second, though I wasn't very good at it).

I'm finally having some serious therapy. I think it will help me make peace with it all. My main aim is not to hurt anyone else I think, especially my son, and also myself, but also the poor men I go for.

Agreed! I felt like it was high time that I 'caught up' with my friends and family & just got it done. My DH has always known about my doubts but literally changes the subject when I bring it up. It's a surprisingly good tactic as I tend to keep putting the inevitable off.

It sounds to be like you had no choice but to leave that first marriage. Kids are a dealbreaker. I want them so badly but I can't stay with him for that reason.

*to me

Thanks for the advice and for sharing experiences. A lot has been going on in my heart and head. I'm learning to trust my gut. Even more than sex, is love to be with someone who had a similar sense of humour to mine and who I could have a stimulating conversation with. I know it's going to be a long road though...I'm putting the end of the year as my absolute deadline but it's become clearer by the minute than leaving may be the only option. It's my birthday soon which just reminds me of my ticking biological clock. Peace.

I'd

Op, Best wishes for a happy outcome for both of you regardless of what it is.

Thanks. A happy outcome would be great. I never imagined myself in a marriage like this. I was always so fun-loving, silly & passionate. I don't know if there's any going back. I also know how sad a divorce would be after such a long relationship & only 1 year of marriage.

@ Babdoc

He was definitely looking at sports articles in the loo but I asked him about porn & he confessed (after I really got it out of him) that he's been looking at it for the past 3 months.

Before I met DH, I was seeing a guy for about 2 years on-off, in fact I was still talking to him the night I met DH. He was marriage material and everything I looked for in a future husband (hard-working, ambitious, he'd be a loving husband and dad, reliable) but there was absolutely 0 chemistry or passion. I never, ever wanted to have sex with him. Then, I met DH. After speaking to him for just 1 hour I knew I wanted to stop talking to other guy and give up on 2 years worth of a "relationship". And it was the best decision I have ever made. Yes, if I stayed with the other guy I'd be content, we wouldn't argue as much as I do with DH, but I just wouldn't be as bothered, and we would have 0 sex life. Passion and chemistry is such a huge deal in a relationship to me, it's what makes it exciting, it's what differentiates it from a friendship to a relationship.

If this was 20 years into a marriage, I'd be saying no problem you've just got used to each other as all married couples do. But you're barely into a year of marriage. DH and I have been married for 3 years now (expecting DD late March/early April). We have phases where we sometimes go 2 weeks without sex, but we still "do other things" in that time period. We have a laugh with each other every single day, I fancy the pants off him and he fancies the pants off me and we show it. You are newly married, you should be having fun in your relationship not acting like an old married sexless couple

Try and regain a spark or a bit of passion in your relationship. But if it doesn't work why would you stay with a "meh" man, when you can have so much more

I don't believe he's a lovely guy and your best friend. He is completely unconcerned by your unhappiness. It's not that he's an optimist. It's that he's completely in denial and highly avoidant. If you end the marriage he's going no contact with you - that is not 'best friends'. He's very manipulative. He needs you to hide his problems with sex and intimacy. You care for him much more than he cares for you. Life is short. Stop letting him play the selfish card on you.

We have a laugh with each other every single day, I fancy the pants off him and he fancies the pants off me and we show it.

I'd do anything for that! Someone to have a laugh with every day.

You are newly married, you should be having fun in your relationship not acting like an old married sexless couple
Yes, this is very true. It doesn't feel right.

@bastardkitty

Hmmm...interesting perspective. One of my best friends called him manipulative when I broke it off with him before. He basically lovebombed me (did everything I had wanted in the relationship, surprises, romance etc) until I took him back. Then I took him back and it went back to the way it's always been. I think you might be right that I care about him more than he cares about me. When things go wrong for him in work etc, it's like it's almost happening to me. That's how invested I am. Yet, he's a lot more distant when it comes to my life. I know he loves me but he is avoidant. That's a good word and very true.

But it's easy to write all this here, another matter entirely to take my future in to my own hands and do something fairly radical. Strangely, I felt happy this morning because in the back of my mind, I was thinking, 'don't worry, you can always leave.'

You do know he doesn’t have to agree to end the marriage? You can make that decision and tell him.

I married DH as I was desperate for children. And we had been together for so long. At one point I issued an ultimatum and left - I only came back when he agreed to get counselling. (We were overseas and there was one English speaking counsellor where we were and unfortunately she left the country suddenly after only a few sessions so we didn’t get very far.)

Tbh the more you elaborate about your relationship the more I feel your DH will not change. He is convinced you won’t leave.

He won’t go for counselling.
He won’t seek help with the ED.
He uses porn (not an issue for some but very common in situations like yours)
He knows you are unhappy and changes the subject.

He’s hoping you will just put up and shut up.

I really wouldn’t wait until the end of the year. Your birthday is a good enough reason. Do you really want next years birthday to be the same? Because it may well be. But you’ll be a year older.

So he knows exactly how to love you and what your needs are, but he will only give that when you have decided to leave? And the moment you take your hand off the door, he stops again? Not unusual for a highly avoidant man to choose porn over sex and care nothing for the partner's needs.

my DH isn't as smart as I am (I'm not being arrogant. It's an anonymous forum and the only place I've ever said or written that). It can be frustrating just how much he doesn't get and just how much we can't talk about.

I think this is the bottom line, There is a difference in intelligence, even with or without sex,
I live this, its difficult basis to work on for life.
I would advise to cut this short now

Sex isn't all his fault. I guess I've gone off it too because I know it always has to be that one position and there's no sort of intimacy and connection. He does try other positions but invariably he can't continue and we both feel deflated then. He never wants to cause me pain, of course, but there really is no pleasure for me. I haven't had an O with him in years.

@Mix56

It's something I've never been able to say to any friends or family members because it sounds horrible/arrogant. He's bright in other ways and brighter than me in some practical ways but in the main, I feel better than him at everything. I don't like feeling that way.

It's not about blame really, but I guess I wanted you to see that he's making his choices and you have an over-inflated sense of responsibility for him and the situation. Your own needs and happiness are very important.

@bastardkitty That's very true. That actually makes me quite sad. He knows exactly what to do but doesn't bother.

This forum is really helping. I'm starting to feel like I've been looking at things a lot from his perspective. When I've tried to leave in the past, he has impressed on me how difficult it is for him. At no point, did he show concern about being with someone who was unhappy with him (me!).

I'm just extremely pissed with myself for marrying him! I didn't have to get married. We were having a good run and it seemed like our chance and I think we both really felt we could marry, have kids (even though our attempts hadn't been working) and be happy.

you have an over-inflated sense of responsibility for him and the situation.

this is true. Sometimes I feel so protective of him. I have a tendency to get very close to people. I asked him the other day why he doesn't have close friends (he has lots and lots of casual friends but not close ones) and he said 'why do I need close friends when I have you?' I don't think that's healthy.

Don't throw good time after bad. So you got married. Nothing to beat yourself up about. The potential was there for you to be very happy together and no relationship is perfect. He's not trying to make you happy and he doesn't mind if you're unhappy. Expect blame and histrionics. You're not responsible for him.

Sorry - crossed post