Is my marriage really ending?

[Isitovernow]

I'm a big fan of MN & I think great advice is given. So hopefully some of you might have some thoughts on my situation...

My DH and I are married just over 1 year. We had a long on-off relationship before that. I've always loved him but in many ways, for me, he fell short...we are now married and I have that awful 'I see this if?' feeling. We haven't had sex in about three months and there is very little sexual interest on both sides. We are both physically fit, healthy & attractive but the spark is well and truly gone. We tried couples' counselling once before and my DH said never again.

On the plus side, my DH is reliable, he works very hard, he's loyal, I don't think he'd ever cheat, he cares about me and comes to all my family occasions (& I to his). I am attracted to him but I don't look up to him. He looks to me for a lot of guidance.

Even right now, we are on holidays in a lovely place and I'm secretly writing this while he sits on the toilet reading his iPad! He looked so excited to be going in there to do it too. We've been away alone a week and no sex.

I have tried talking to him numerous times about our difficulties or lack of sex. He just says 'yeah I know' and then changes the subject. He often mentions having children too!

I'm confused! Does this sound like a marriage on its last legs to you or is it the best I can do?

I think it's really good that you have had a definitive lightbulb moment .edu he has led to clarify. I certainly didn't & kept slogging on, Which really impacted on my mental health.

Good luck, it's time to move on.

Whilst I don't think you are ever 100% sure of these decisions, I do not think you will regret that you have left him.

Whilst I don't think you are ever 100% sure of these decisions

Key words..because I wasn't 100% sure in the past, I went back but that's not enough.

In my experience, you have breakthroughs when you are ready for them. That's why something you read in a book, or even something you watch on the telly or overhear on the street can have such an impact and something just clicks in you.

Because you are ready.

I have to disagree that you cannot be 100% sure about these things. You are not 100% sure at the time, when you are in the midst of it. Looking back, I am definitely 100% sure that I made the right choice leaving my ex (and actually the relief was so huge that I was certain that I had done the right thing the next day).

Feelings can be very confusing things, because it's perfectly possible to feel opposite things - you can feel both affection and resentment. The facts here are that you are stifled and unhappy and angry, and he knows, and he just doesn't care (or he cares enough to make a move because he's forced to, but it won't stick, and you know it).

Trust the breakthrough. Trust your anger. Wanting to be in a relationship in which you too are human is a perfectly reasonable (and achievable!) goal. Just not with him.

Out of interest, what’s the premise behind “off the tableitis”?

Good luck OP, I hope you continue to move forward to a brighter, happier future. You deserve better than this “half” relationship.

@honeypickle

It's from a chapter in the (brilliant!) book about ambivalence and whether to end a relationship "too good to leave to bad to stay". The premise is that in "off the table itis" issues in the relationship can't be discussed - your partner engages in various verbal or non verbal behaviours to shut down conversations so whatever the issue is can NEVER improve because you don't get the opportunity to even discuss it.

The book also explains why your partner might be doing this.

Thanks @Haireverywhere!

Thanks for your messages.

Yeah it's an excellent book. I'm glad I've finally made a decision, next step will be communicating that to him & dealing with the reality of a split.

It’s great to see the clarity you have at the moment; it’s like you’ve been illuminated.
Hold on to it, if you can.

Fair point...holding on to it is key. I'm really hoping to break this cycle of ambivalence, breaking up & getting back together.

You've gotten alot of advice on this thread and I don't think anyone would say that you should work on it because it's sexless, you don't feel he's as smart as you and you don't share humour. And he's aggressive. He sounds good around the house though which I'm not underestimating. I think though, for what it's worth, that you might find it very difficult to actually break free. It sounds like you've only made the decision but you're putting off saying it to him. I think couple counselling might help you to see it through and it might prevent him from lovebombing you back like he did before. The lovebombing might well work this time too.

@isitovernow how have the last few days been?