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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is my marriage really ending?

411 replies

Isitovernow · 20/08/2018 09:43

I'm a big fan of MN & I think great advice is given. So hopefully some of you might have some thoughts on my situation...

My DH and I are married just over 1 year. We had a long on-off relationship before that. I've always loved him but in many ways, for me, he fell short...we are now married and I have that awful 'I see this if?' feeling. We haven't had sex in about three months and there is very little sexual interest on both sides. We are both physically fit, healthy & attractive but the spark is well and truly gone. We tried couples' counselling once before and my DH said never again.

On the plus side, my DH is reliable, he works very hard, he's loyal, I don't think he'd ever cheat, he cares about me and comes to all my family occasions (& I to his). I am attracted to him but I don't look up to him. He looks to me for a lot of guidance.

Even right now, we are on holidays in a lovely place and I'm secretly writing this while he sits on the toilet reading his iPad! He looked so excited to be going in there to do it too. We've been away alone a week and no sex.

I have tried talking to him numerous times about our difficulties or lack of sex. He just says 'yeah I know' and then changes the subject. He often mentions having children too!

I'm confused! Does this sound like a marriage on its last legs to you or is it the best I can do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Isitovernow · 25/08/2018 10:29

@bastardkitty

Thank you very much. The thing is I've been so open and honest with him. I've pleaded with him, I've cried, I've written a 25 letter (in which I said if we can't work on all of this to improve, divorce is our only option). I've been for individual counselling for no other reason than my marriage. I've encouraged him to go for counselling too (he says it's expensive and a waste of time). So, I do feel, if we do break up, that he shouldn't feel blindsided...

I don't think anyone knows what I'm dealing with though and if I leave, I'll look like the cow who dumped the lovely guy after a year. But I don't care what other people think as much as I used to!

Also, I sound so brave here but if you saw me with him on a day-to-day basis. It doesn't scream 'she'll leave him,' believe me..

OP posts:
Original poster
Isitovernow · 25/08/2018 10:30

a 25 page letter

OP posts:
Original poster
Isitovernow · 25/08/2018 10:32

You're not responsible for him. I need to repeat this line like a mantra I think.

OP posts:
Mix56 · 25/08/2018 11:11

Yes, my OH is good at a lot of things, but I have to "Mother" him, I don't respect him, sometimes it is embarrassing.
it may be emasculating to be with someone who can fix everything, & is intellectually, superior.
Your H is comfortable in his sexless marriage, (he uses porn) you supply all the comfort & reassurance he needs.
Its alright Jack.... for him

PollyFlinderz · 25/08/2018 12:52

He basically lovebombed me (did everything I had wanted in the relationship, surprises, romance etc) until I took him back

Can you see how this also fits in with him telling you if you ever separated that would be it. There would be no ‘being friends’ or contact afterwards.

Both the lovebombing and the ‘no being friends’ are two examples of emotional abuse.

Original poster
Isitovernow · 25/08/2018 15:09

Thanks for your responses.

I'm giving serious thought to ending my marriage.

This is a bit crazy to me, even though I've broken up with him in the past.

I don't know if I'll have the strength to go through with it. Apparently marital breakdown is no. 2 in terms of the most stressful things that happen to a person. I don't know where I'd live or how I'd cope alone but yet, I feel a sense of relief even thinking it.

OP posts:
bastardkitty · 25/08/2018 16:03

I think people underestimate the sheer misery of being in a very long term unhappy relationship. Has he tried the 'if you want to end it you have to move out and I will keep everything' schtick?

Snog · 25/08/2018 16:13

It sounds like your dh doesn't care much about your happiness.
For me, that is a 100% pointless relationship.

Original poster
Isitovernow · 25/08/2018 16:59

@bastardkitty Well I'd have to be the one to move out all right but it's mostly because the house we live in suits him and his needs better than me. It was never particularly convenient for me but that's another story and it was circumstantial more than anything.

@Snog He does care about my happiness and encourages me but he seems to care about being with me more than anything. As in, he'd rather I be with him even though I say I'm unhappy that break up with him. I know that's fear out and out.

I'm terrified of leaving too. I know my friends and family will be thinking WTF but at this stage, I just couldn't care less what they think because as you said bastardkitty, no-one knows what it feels like unless they too are as unhappy.

OP posts:
ProseccoThyme · 25/08/2018 17:06

OP, have you heard of co-dependency?

Reading your posts about your "D"H, not meeting your needs etc, and you not prioritising your own needs, I wondered if you might have that trait?

It sounds like you got married because you needed a conclusion after so long together, and that your biological clock is ticking loudly (perhaps staying in a relationship you would have left without much thought if you were a decade younger?)

Original poster
Isitovernow · 25/08/2018 17:09

Yeah I've read up a bit about co-dependency and even though I'm a pretty independent person, I think I have some of the traits. I mean, I moved to a city where I knew no-one and set up on my own etc. I'm not one of these people who clings to others but I've always found it difficult or even impossible to end relationships.

At the beginning, DH said, in jest, 'you'll have a job getting rid of me' but that has actually proven to be the case! He has known I've tried to break up and in the past, the problems weren't as bad. There are more and more reasons by the day to break up. Sad

I'm a bit embarrassed but I think you're right. My age had a lot to do with it. My age got the shits up me and DH was so keen to be with me and we were getting on fine. It just made sense. It don't make no sense no more! Hmm

OP posts:
Snog · 25/08/2018 17:16

Sorry but it doesn't sound to me as though he cares about your happiness.
He's fine for you to unhappy as long as it's with him, and he's not prepared to work on the marriage for you to be happier within the marriage.

ProseccoThyme · 25/08/2018 17:19

I was in your situation 10 years ago; 35 and desperate for kids, had been with DP for 5 years & sex had dwindled to almost nothing. I issued an ultimatum & seriously considered leaving him. In the end, he begged me to stay & I got pregnant shortly afterwards.

10 years later, we have 2 DC & the lack of sex has eroded away our relationship. I wish I'd had the confidence to go, and hadn't wasted all these years on him.

I think you need to be honest with yourself about what your needs are; what you want from a relationship. Take a step back, a huge deep breath & ask if he is meeting your needs, or taking steps to do it.

Lyinglow50 · 25/08/2018 17:32

OP it was tough for you to admit that he is not on the same intellectual level as you. You want a baby and your time is limited. You sound like a smart person.

I'll probably be shot for what I'm going to say but if you (somehow) manage to conceive your child may not be the smartest either. The baby will be influenced by their dad and you may recoil at how the baby is reared by him. Don't stay for that hypothetical baby.

Stop putting yourself last. Your confidence is low which is surprising as you sound highly capable to me.

Someone with your personality stands a good chance of meeting a new partner. Try to visualise yourself with a loving partner doting over a happy bouncing baby.

Tell him this evening that it's over. You don't love him enough. I promise you life will go on. You deserve happiness.

I'll give you until 10pm this evening to tell him. Then message us to tell us you've done it. Go for it. You only have one life!!!

Lyinglow50 · 25/08/2018 17:37

I'm kind of joking about the 1pm deadline but also not. You are not staying in the relationship unless you are a masochistic . Tell him today. Tomorrow isn't going to be any different or better.

Original poster
Isitovernow · 25/08/2018 17:49

Thanks to you all. I suppose you're right Snog. It's just a shitty reality to accept, I suppose.

I appreciate all of what ye have said and the reality is, I am one unhappy lady. There's a lot more about DH I could detail here but I think some of it would make people wonder why the hell I'd put up with that.

People have often said that my confidence is lower than they'd expect and that's something I really want to build up. According to my shrink, it all boils down to childhood (doesn't it always!).

Thanks for trying to give me the courage Lyinglow50. I'd love to end this. The thing is I've nowhere to go yet so I may need to wait until I have accommodation before I tell him because I'm not sure how he's going to react. I'm guessing he'll just not take it seriously and ignore me, just as he did with all the chats I've tried to have about this marriage. Sad

OP posts:
Mix56 · 25/08/2018 17:50

He has been looking at porn, so he is interested in sex. but not with you...... That is a real slap in the face

Original poster
Isitovernow · 25/08/2018 17:52

P.S.

I'll probably be shot for what I'm going to say but if you (somehow) manage to conceive your child may not be the smartest either. The baby will be influenced by their dad and you may recoil at how the baby is reared by him. Don't stay for that hypothetical baby.

I appreciate your bravery in saying this Grin It actually makes me sad and makes me feel sorry for DH. The thing is though he gets lots of female attention. He's just quite fussy and has these very high standards. He's also extremely confident. I think that's how we got together. He was just so forthright in chatting me up etc. Not the shy guy in the corner, that's for sure.

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Original poster
Isitovernow · 25/08/2018 17:54

@Mix56 The funny thing is it hadn't occurred to me until a PP suggested that! In fairness, he eventually came clean but only because I used the line 'I know you're lying to me. You have, haven't you?' I was just testing but then he turned around and said he had been!

OP posts:
Snog · 25/08/2018 18:19

Be brave OP, we only get one life, get out there and live it, the rest of your life starts here and now.

Original poster
Isitovernow · 25/08/2018 18:25

Thanks Snog. I think you're right. I need to do this. I've tried my hardest and nothing has worked and I'm just getting more and more unhappy the harder I try.

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DistanceCall · 25/08/2018 18:38

Sounds like you make excellent friends, but crap lovers.

This happened to me. I ended it - even though I felt great affection for him, I felt I was being buried alive. HUGE relief (and yes, went on to have fantastic sex (not with him)).

Original poster
Isitovernow · 25/08/2018 18:41

@DistanceCall I agree and I'm afraid if we leave it any longer, we'll end up hating each other. He's said and done some rotten things that I think I could forgive now but if it goes any further, I really won't. I don't think he realises just how incompatible we are as a couple.

OP posts:
Original poster
Isitovernow · 25/08/2018 18:42

...'buried alive' really is a good way of putting it!

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DistanceCall · 25/08/2018 18:49

Tell him and end it. You don't have to justify yourself - just say that the relationship isn't working for you anymore, and you will both be happier going your separate ways. (Don't say "I think", or anything like that - just tell him like a statement of fact.)

Really, I can't emphasise what a huge burden it will lift off your shoulders. In my case, my ex agreed that it was for the best relatively soon after, and now we are good friends.

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