Is my marriage really ending?

[Isitovernow]

I'm a big fan of MN & I think great advice is given. So hopefully some of you might have some thoughts on my situation...

My DH and I are married just over 1 year. We had a long on-off relationship before that. I've always loved him but in many ways, for me, he fell short...we are now married and I have that awful 'I see this if?' feeling. We haven't had sex in about three months and there is very little sexual interest on both sides. We are both physically fit, healthy & attractive but the spark is well and truly gone. We tried couples' counselling once before and my DH said never again.

On the plus side, my DH is reliable, he works very hard, he's loyal, I don't think he'd ever cheat, he cares about me and comes to all my family occasions (& I to his). I am attracted to him but I don't look up to him. He looks to me for a lot of guidance.

Even right now, we are on holidays in a lovely place and I'm secretly writing this while he sits on the toilet reading his iPad! He looked so excited to be going in there to do it too. We've been away alone a week and no sex.

I have tried talking to him numerous times about our difficulties or lack of sex. He just says 'yeah I know' and then changes the subject. He often mentions having children too!

I'm confused! Does this sound like a marriage on its last legs to you or is it the best I can do?

Thanks ... I did feel reading your post that it sounded a little similar. I know I'm just fishing for reassurance at this stage but do you think, based on your experience, leaving after only a year of marriage is pretty bad though?

I mean, my own sister implied that I'm giving up too easily. She asked me what was going through my mind when I said my vows & if I believed them. One friend describing another friend's divorce after 3 years said it was 'cringe.' Maybe I'm being too negative & should try to rise above it all!

Also, that's a fabulous way to meet your DH. A lovely love story!

It may only be a year of marriage but you've spent a long time before that trying to make your relationship work. Not sure about Ireland but in England you're allowed to get divorced after a year so if the law doesn't think it's too soon then who are we to disagree?

Do you think you will look back in the future and be thankful that you spent an extra 1/5/10 years with this man just to appease others who don't have a clue what really goes on behind closed doors? Or are you more likely to regret wasting your remaining childbearing years flogging a dead horse? Your sister has her own agenda, probably of wanting to maintain the status quo. Your friend may have commented about the divorce after 3 years but how much thought do you think they actually give the situation on a day to day basis? Hardly any no doubt. You shouldn't stay miserable for the sake of others' throwaway (to them) remarks.

In Ireland you can get divorced when you can prove (bills, bank statements etc) that you've been separated for 4 out of the past 5 years...

Yeah it is flogging a dead horse. My therapist said that unless DH works his ass off in therapy, nothing could ever change. He's being so nice now I wonder if it was just a bad patch but we've been down this road before.

I'm consumed by this. It's all I've been thinking about. Yet he missed me on the neck today and it felt wow. Not good though. I think I want out all right but I'm scared shitless.

*kissed

I said it earlier in your thread and I shall say it again: it should not be this hard. After one year of marriage or 5 or 10 years. This should be fun. You should be laughing g and living with this man. Really loving (and I don't mean just sex). And you are not. And perhaps never have. Just because you think he's a nice bloke doesn't mean you should stay with him.

Do not waste any more years of your life trying to make this a happy marriage.

There is so much more out there.

The energy you are spending going over and over this, trying to make this marriage work for you is just wasted energy.

Fight for more. Fight for happiness. Fight for your future children (that you are unlikely to have with this man who, if nothing else, will not face up to his ED).

What do you wAnt from life?

Go get it.

And before you put up more excuses, more reasons why you can't do that.

You can.

It is that easy.

My ExH, either consciously or unconsciously (a bit of both I think), would make the decision whether to treat me nicely or nastily on any given day. In contrast my current DH is nice all the time (sorry if that sounds like a brag). Not that we don't have our ups and downs of course, but even when we disagree about things he is never disrespectful towards me. He just is who he is, a consistently decent person. It wasn't till I met him that I truly understood just how unhealthy my previous relationship had been. But I know how terrifying it is to step into the unknown, to turn your life upside down without a "proper" reason such as cheating or violence. I justified my previous relationship with "at least he doesn't..." for years. But that is a bar set way too low, you have too many years ahead of you to settle for such unhappiness.

What do you think might get easier about separating if you leave it for another year or two or three?

"He said there's plenty he could get down about it but he just gets active & forgets about it"

In other words, he's deeply in denial about his ED (or any problems) & has no intention of tackling things. Your therapist is right, he will not change, because he doesn't want to.

Some of the things you've said on your posts are so so similar to me. The 'plenty of things I could get down about' comments - my dh makes me feel like there's something mentally wrong with me for questioning the relationship. And I'm not really strong enough to know whether that's true or not but what I do know is that I'm not very happy and I desperately miss laughing!! We have a completely different sense of humour.

To the other 'user' username - you shouldn't have to ask that question - yes of course you must challenge him about a payment to online dating.

I thought that user post was posted here by accident instead of in AIBU or on a new thread...

Thanks very much for your responses. They're very helpful. I've read them & will re-read & reply. I can't post much now as DH is here. .

@minmooch

Thanks. I agree that it shouldn't be this hard. I sometimes worry that I'm just crap at relationships even though I have lots of loyal, long friendships with people I admire. I've always found relationships hard & I think low self esteem has led me down this path.

I know it probably seems like I'm making excuses why I can't leave but it goes deeper. I'm genuinely frightened that it'd be a mistake because I've left before, yet always come back. I'm feeling muddled tbh.

@aCatsnohelpwiththat

Yep, no physical violence, no cheating, he works, pulls his weight & isn't lazy. Yet he doesn't make me happy & it's not fair on him that he'll never be what I need him to be.

We said we'd spend the day together and we've already had 2 arguments:

1. Him shouting as I asked him to do something small & he said he already cleaned the kitchen & he's not my maid. I then left the house. I came back & he apologised.
2. I commented on his driving & he got angry, said I always think he's in the wrong & never the other person. I apologised.

Now we are just forgetting all about it! He thinks this is normal.

@ProseccoThyme

Yeah it's his way. The problems he referred to are family matters & it's true, someone else could get so bogged down by it all ... but it's the way he is ... maybe it's the way a lot of people are, I don't know.

@user100987

I hear you. I had a few friends visit one weekend & they were laughing away at something I said & I thought 'oh, that's a reaction I haven't heard in a while.'

I know a lot of people are probably in that situation but it would be lovely to be with someone who shared the same humour.

We spoke again today. I said everything that needed to be said. I mentioned sex & he said 'cmon then, let's have sexy right now!' but I didn't want to. He swears he's stopped looking at porn. You see, achieving an erecting is no problem but maintaining is. It's made me less confident too, funnily enough.

It's all out now anyhow & he's out mowing the lawn...

*erection

This may seem ' in delicate ' but you have mentioned a few times in your post about your unsatisfactory sex life due to the actual act and his ed. I'm guessing he only likes it from behind. The thought process for that is I believe he doesn't like to ' face ' things. He is very much a person who is at arms length. He is often standoffish . I don't believe he has the ability to let go and show you emotions and he is also trying to curb yours as well.

No problem OP.

Your rumination on this is becoming more of a problem than the problem itself and tying you up in knots.

You are not ready to leave. That is clear. You said that yourself the other day. That's OK too and doesn't mean that won't change with the work on you.

So the remaining choices are to start MC OR just focus on things outside of your marriage for a while whilst you build yourself up and learn about what you are bringing to this dance.

You know the definition of insanity right?

@Namethecat

Interesting take on things...he's a very friendly, nice person. He's definitely not standoffish but very interesting indeed about not wanting to face things and not being able to let go or show emotion.

Honestly, it's a bit of a head fuck because I'm cooking dinner now and we'll no doubt have a fine evening with nice food and a glass of wine. I do know there are worse fates. But the constant up-down, talk about it, then forget about it has me worried and worn out! I know I need to persist with the book, therapy and just generally keeping my eyes open.

@Haireverywhere

Ah yes...I know....and I've been engaging in this insane behaviour for quite a while now (on and off).

I have two friends who were in jobs they didn't like for years. My attitude to work was always, 'leave if you don't like it!' so I couldn't for the life of me figure out why they couldn't just leave their jobs. They both eventually did and et voila, they're way happier...I guess I'm not like that with jobs but when it comes to relationships, I've always had issues with letting go and I won't bother going in to the reasons for that because we all know this shiz goes back to childhood!

I'll see if DH will consider MC! I mean, I brought up a simple thing that happened weeks ago today and he straight up said he was wrong etc. which is great. But what irks me is that he's still doing things that show no consideration or understanding 9 years later...

Anyway, I hear you...time to focus on other things...like lasagne.

I'm trying my hardest not to let this dominate my thinking but I sort of hover between 'everything will be okay' and 'oh shit, I'm about to get divorced.' Anyhow, therapy later in the week and busy with work so I suppose that's something.

Hi everyone/anyone...I know this thread seems to have run its course but I just wanted to post as I had what can only be described as a lightbulb moment last night...

I was reading 'Too Good To Stay, Too Bad to Leave' and got to the chapter about 'Off the Table-itis' and every single word she wrote rang true. It was incredible. I read the book the last time while we were broken up so I guess it wasn't as raw or true to me at the time.

She wrote that people who experience this are generally happier when they leave the relationship...

It became so clear to me that this marriage has to end.

Meanwhile, I had booked us in for MC for next week and I started feeling angry and resentful at it. I started thinking how now that he really realises I'm 'this' close to leaving, he's agreeing to MC. I'm now starting to think 'what is the point?' I'm doing the therapy, I've been trying to talk to him about our issues and every single time he changes the subject, sighs, leaves the room or shouts. She put it so well in the book. I never thought I'd get a lightbulb moment from a book. Anyone who has read this thread has seen just how deeply I think about things. I didn't think one chapter could relate so clearly to my situation.

So, I've decided that I need out. I'm still living here for now and I'm not even 100% sure when I'll tell H but what I do know is that I'm done with this. It's up to him, not me...I feel angry at even arranging the MCing. He has shown little care or regard for any of our many problems. I'm finally feeling really feckin angry...and then I feel angrier that I can't get angry with him as he doesn't let me or he outdoes it. I tried to say some of this to him last night but guess what? He changed the subject! I'm tired of always having to be the calm one. I want to be in a relationship where I get to be a human one.

Any advice, words of encouragement or similar experiences greatly appreciated. This is a breakthrough for me about arguably an entire relationship of ambivalence.

I'm so glad you re-read it and it's helped clarify to you why you two have been so stuck.

Best of luck with your next steps towards ending this relationship and finding a secure non-avoidant partner to settle down and have those babies with!

It's going to be painful and heartbreaking I'm sure but now you understand the core issue you won't regret leaving.