Is my marriage really ending?

[Isitovernow]

I'm a big fan of MN & I think great advice is given. So hopefully some of you might have some thoughts on my situation...

My DH and I are married just over 1 year. We had a long on-off relationship before that. I've always loved him but in many ways, for me, he fell short...we are now married and I have that awful 'I see this if?' feeling. We haven't had sex in about three months and there is very little sexual interest on both sides. We are both physically fit, healthy & attractive but the spark is well and truly gone. We tried couples' counselling once before and my DH said never again.

On the plus side, my DH is reliable, he works very hard, he's loyal, I don't think he'd ever cheat, he cares about me and comes to all my family occasions (& I to his). I am attracted to him but I don't look up to him. He looks to me for a lot of guidance.

Even right now, we are on holidays in a lovely place and I'm secretly writing this while he sits on the toilet reading his iPad! He looked so excited to be going in there to do it too. We've been away alone a week and no sex.

I have tried talking to him numerous times about our difficulties or lack of sex. He just says 'yeah I know' and then changes the subject. He often mentions having children too!

I'm confused! Does this sound like a marriage on its last legs to you or is it the best I can do?

He's definitely not gay. I have many reasons for knowing this but that's definitely not the issue. Part of it is me too. We're just not particularly sexually compatible & I noticed it early on but he refused to accept that. Then over time, I think he lost sexual confidence.

@Pessimistic

Tough situation. I understand. Even though I want a baby more than anything, I understand that they could complicate matters further. I too don't think I'd leave if I had a child.

I had a dream last night that a hot guy I once dated came to visit. He said he didn't want a relationship but could call once a week for sex! In the dream, I was actually considering it!

@LellyMcKelly

My friend had a similar experience to yours. Her H is now with a man & she's with a woman!

Op, I read your opening post again and I still don’t know what you were expecting of marriage to a man who ‘fell short’ for you.

It just seems like a huge mess created by both of you and you’re as bad as each other.

Cheers for that. That'd be great advice if I had a time machine!

You wont be the first or last OP that marries someone they have a terrific friendship with and then find that other aspects are an issue. Lets face it relationships can go awray for all kinds of reasons and its not the fact you see him as a friend that's the issue at all, you would still I think expect to see him as a friend if he was shagging you willingly 3 times a week, its the fact he doesn't want to that's an issue and I thought unusual in men. but seemingly not on mumsnet. . Its an issue in my marriage too, except the other way around and in my case at 56, I honestly think it would be an issue with whoever I was with, I'm self aware enough to know that. I simply 'go off of it' after about 2 or 3 years with someone, however much i like them. I have no idea why, its like familiarity is a libido killer !!! it has happened in all 3 long term relationships Ive had. (2 marriages and a live in one between the 2 marriages)

I have had same dreams but In reality couldn’t do that to him but I think it’s the thought of how you would like your own relationship to be. I have had this in the past so I know what I’m missing only good thing I can say is now it’s not just one way he’s selfless in bed where as the others wanted it loads but for there own needs and mine were not important so never got that pleasure I get now just want more if it now. It won’t get easier and the baby won’t fill the void for you.

Hi OP,

In your situation, here's what I would do. I would ask myself these questions:

1. what do I value about our relationship?
2. what would I like to be improved in our relationship?
3. what would I be prepared to do to make those improvements?
4. what 3 things will I commit to doing for the next 3 months?

I would ask my DH the same questions, and use them as a basis for discussion. It'll be pretty clear whether both or just one of you is willing to hear the other, and work on improving anything that is affecting the other partner.

Thanks for all of your responses and advice. They're very helpful to me. I'm feeling muddled and a bit confused. I'm also starting to feel clearer than ever in terms of believing I deserve more than this from a marriage.

@yetmorecrap I hear you. To be honest, my own libido goes way down after a couple of years with someone too. It just doesn't go down to the point of nil! But also, I think sex is just pretty much a metaphor for the relationship and there's a lot going on with other issues we've had. It's gotten to the stage where I think we both find it hard to be intimate with the other. It's obvious to me that we're both still attracted to one another but it's like so much has happened, a bit of damage has been done!

@Pessimistic Yeah I don't think I'd ever cheat. I really don't. But having dreams like that and enjoying them is a bit of a red light (for me).

@Brakebackcyclebot Good questions. Thanks! As I read through your questions, I felt jaded and resentful...that's awful, I know. I feel I'm the only one who has been bringing up the marriage or trying to work on things for so long. I feel he needs to make the effort. I know that sounds bad but it's the way I feel. When we first got back together, a friend of mine kept saying that he needed to make more effort but sure, I know you can't force anyone to do anything. It's like I've emotionally checked out.

I still care about him deeply. I'd do anything for him, to help him etc. I'm just exhausted. He has me read over his work emails to check for errors and looks for my advice for how to deal with things the whole time. I feel I'm in a mother role a lot of the time. Then, it can flip too and he's very 'strict' with me about my bad habits and not at all tolerant!

Anyhow, I know there's a lot there and a lot to either be worked on.....or not.

I got excited earlier imagining breaking free from my marriage. I feel so guilty to have those feelings. We watched a film tonight & had a takeaway. It was simple and nice. There's no snacking conversation because we don't connect intellectually or even have the same humour! There is companionship though, which I know isn't easy to find.

@sunsunsunsunsun

Thanks for sharing. Such similarities. I think my relationship should have been a short one that we learned something from; instead I committed to him for life! I think you're right when you say I know what I need to do. I've been seeing a counsellor for the past month (on my own. DH says he's done with that) and I'm hoping that'll help. I'd miss him terribly and I also want to be open and honest with him.

Right so... no sex, no intellectual connection, no humour. No kids.

This is not what you got; this is what you chose and what you have created along with him.

Were you trying to get away from your sexual self? Did you not like her, or did others disapprove of her? What form did your dh's 'intimidation' by your sexual past take?

You had an LTR with lots more sex in it - what went wrong there? Was it good in bed but nowhere else?

IMO companionship is not that hard to get. How on earth does your dh think you're going to have a child if you don't have sex? Does he really want children?

@annadale

Crikey I know that doesn't sound great. The thing is we can talk and talk but he likes to talk about gossip, people & football. I prefer to talk about other things (movies, books, comedy, feelings, life etc).

When we first got together, WW had an active sex life but in truth, it wasn't good. I had been dumped and was in a very vulnerable place. (My ex got with his 'platonic friend' immediately).

As for kids, we were TTC but the most we could muster was sex twice a month...

I've spoken to him a lot about our marriage but I cannot get him to agree that splitting is the best option for us both. I don't want to hurt him but I'm hurting in this set-up truth be told.

Yeah he says he really wants children and the thing is, if we split, I'm the one who could end up not having them. He wouldn't be in the same rush.

I realise when I see it written down here or fed back to me that it doesn't sound great.

Well; you could write down everything that's good about it and see how that looks. I know it's possible to write a thread about every single relationship that make everyone go 'LTB' immediately and another that makes everyone go 'n-awwww! Fabulous couple!' But it does sound as if you are on very different pages.

I know from experience that wanting children and not having them is a lot less painful as a single person than as someone in a relationship with someone who doesn't want them. I've never been in a relationship with someone who allegedly wants children but won't have sex.

When you said sex didn't work out, does he have erectile dysfunction? Is he terrified, is this is why he's withdrawn from sex? Has he considered seeing his gP?

Yes ED is an issue and has been from Day 1. This is the first time I've 'told' anyone that. He told me it was an issue in his previous relationship too...it makes it difficult to have a good sex life and it always has to be in a position I don't find loving to 'work.' He's been my only sexual partner for so long that I don't really know what regular sex with a guy with a normal libido and no ED would be like ...

As I said though, there are other issues & I guess I can't deny that you're right in saying we are on different wavelengths.

Gosh life’s too short op. You’ve got absolutely nothing in common, you both deserve better. Do you want decades more of this?

@LizzieSiddal

I know. The problem is he doesn't see that. We were out one night & this girl openly chatted him up in front of me. They had a lot in common & I said to him afterwards (I was drunk). 'You & her would possibly have a much better relationship than we do' and he said he wasn't attracted to her.

Has he ever asked for any help with the ED? and pursued it?

So he can get an erection in one position, but one you don't like?

TBH I have to ask if it's worth you working on this. I do hugely regret hurting my xh by leaving him, but really I regret marrying him - leaving him was in fact the right choice. What I couldn't do was leave him and not hurt him. I did find that none of my friends commented or were upset with me though because they all thought he was a knob

As in, he didn't think she was good looking. You should have seen them though. She was mad in to football too and they had each other in stitches laughing! I'd actually be delighted to see him happy with someone else.

He might choose to be miserable and alone, or with someone who is completely wrong for him, or abusive. You can't control that.

Well, in the beginning when I had energy to work on things, I urged him to tell his GP about the ED, I did research, was patient etc. Now it's just a case of doing it in that one position & I get zero pleasure.

I guess you're right. A friend said to me once that I sacrifice my own happiness for his (after one of our break-ups). Yes, marrying him was a huge mistake

Thanks annadale. Did you like your exh when you left him? I think I'd find it easier if I didn't care so deeply. I do feel my friends & family will think it's crazy but I'm past giving a crap what others think.

What I mean is, if he was nasty or not a nice person, it'd be easier. Then again, if we continue like this, we might grow to dislike each other!

Also, I do tend to agree on not working on it. I have done so much working on this marriage & he won't meet me halfway. That makes me think I could leave him. I've given him every chance to meet me in the middle but I get no response!