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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is my marriage really ending?

411 replies

Isitovernow · 20/08/2018 09:43

I'm a big fan of MN & I think great advice is given. So hopefully some of you might have some thoughts on my situation...

My DH and I are married just over 1 year. We had a long on-off relationship before that. I've always loved him but in many ways, for me, he fell short...we are now married and I have that awful 'I see this if?' feeling. We haven't had sex in about three months and there is very little sexual interest on both sides. We are both physically fit, healthy & attractive but the spark is well and truly gone. We tried couples' counselling once before and my DH said never again.

On the plus side, my DH is reliable, he works very hard, he's loyal, I don't think he'd ever cheat, he cares about me and comes to all my family occasions (& I to his). I am attracted to him but I don't look up to him. He looks to me for a lot of guidance.

Even right now, we are on holidays in a lovely place and I'm secretly writing this while he sits on the toilet reading his iPad! He looked so excited to be going in there to do it too. We've been away alone a week and no sex.

I have tried talking to him numerous times about our difficulties or lack of sex. He just says 'yeah I know' and then changes the subject. He often mentions having children too!

I'm confused! Does this sound like a marriage on its last legs to you or is it the best I can do?

OP posts:
Dljlr · 21/08/2018 19:36

Break-up was awful, but we had a small son, and he has an unpleasant family, so it was never going to be straightforward. He met someone else almost straight away and they quickly moved in together so the actual divorce is progressing smoothly so far (we've been separated for 2.5 years, but the relationship effectively ended 8 or so months prior to him moving out, separate rooms etc).

No, mine didn't really get it either. When I told him I was absolutely done he was astonished. I was like, but how can you not know? It's been awful! But he just wasn't on the same page or planet.

I know you say you've tried talking to him, but have you framed it as this being close to crunch time for you? Perhaps that's what I did wrong with XH; I assumed he was well aware that we had massive issues because I'd cried/attempted discussion so many times before, whereas he seemed totally blindsided. Maybe I should have said "If this doesn't change I'm done". Maybe that's what you need to be saying too.

Redcliff · 21/08/2018 20:15

I have a good relationship and kids have put a major strain on it at times so I can't imagine what bringing kids into an already struggling relationship would be like. Is it worth trying to find another marriage guidance person - maybe the first one wasn't right for you.

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 21/08/2018 20:50

You cant stay with somebody just because you dont want to be single. If the thought of growing old with this guy fills you with dread, you may as well leave now rather than putting off the inevitable, and trying to start again in your 40s, which would be much harder.

snoopydogg · 21/08/2018 21:14

If you carry on I would say the likelihood is one of you will meet someone else. This is how affairs start. Maybe you really need a serious make or break conversation. Have you considered a trial separation?

Having said that it is difficult to find another loyal guy with the same values and if you want a family, if you break up now you will need to accept it may not happen.

Such a difficult situation.

Original poster
Isitovernow · 21/08/2018 21:17

Thanks for your responses. Yes, I've been clearer than clear with him...this is going on since we got married. I have said things like we shouldn't have gotten married, we are headed for divorce if things don't improve drastically, I've bawled crying etc. He didn't listen to any of that so I wrote it all clearly in a letter. I detailed what a divorce would look like! It sounds kind of shocking when I write it down here now but there's a lot more besides the lack of sex (even though that is a wake-up call!).

It's just sad because I know he's got this optimism about our marriage. He always feels, no matter what, we'll overcome it but I don't know if I want my life to be this hard and unfulfilling.

That said, I do love him (just not in love with him), so leaving him wouldn't be so easy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Isitovernow · 21/08/2018 21:21

@snoopydogg Thanks for that. You've basically hit the nail on the head. A lot of people would say 'oh you'll meet someone' but it really doesn't work that way. It's true about the affair though. We both have a strong sense of loyalty to one another, so I don't think we'd ever set out to do that but if this sex-free marriage goes on much longer, who knows what could happen! Shock

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Original poster
Isitovernow · 21/08/2018 21:21

P.S. I think a trial separation would be a good idea. Unfortunately financially it's not possible.

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Original poster
Isitovernow · 21/08/2018 21:24

Redcliff, that's a fair point about kids. We hadn't really thought of it that way and I suppose you're right. The relationship is struggling even though when we're getting along, it's quite easy and comfortable!

croprotationinthe13thcentury, I have to commend your username! It's hilarious...on a more serious note though, grrr...I don't know...growing old with my DH or growing old alone? That's a toughie. Sad

OP posts:
croprotationinthe13thcentury · 21/08/2018 21:28

Growing old alone would be hard. But then, there is nothing so lonely as being in a shit relationship. 😕

Jupiter9 · 21/08/2018 21:29

Why do men not want sex with their partners, are they stupid.

snoopydogg · 21/08/2018 21:30

One of my older and wiser friends has told me that if a family is what you really want then maybe you need to approach it tactfully.

Not everyone meets ' the one' at the right time. It could happen for you but you could be much older, too old to start a family.

So maybe you have to settle for 'good on paper' for the family you want now and maybe accept that marriage isn't always forever but know that your children will always have a good father, even if you're no longer together.

Jupiter9 · 21/08/2018 21:30

Try pouncing on him in sexy lingerie 😁🌷

Original poster
Isitovernow · 21/08/2018 21:37

13thcentury yeah I agree. The times I've felt most alive lately is when I'm stuck in to a really good book! It could be the escapism of it all.

snoopydogg My sister suggested the exact same thing. The thing is though, if there kids in the mix, I don't know if I'd have the balls to leave him to be perfectly honest. I'm already really struggling with lack of courage!

Jupiter9 I know! Like FFS! Grin. 'Let's get it on!' and all that!

Yeah, lingerie is a fun idea. It's like we've lost that connection or something. I might be too far gone. I feel all self-conscious around him now. It's odd but it's honestly like we're turning in to best friends who kiss on the lips occasionally. We don't even snog anymore.

OP posts:
backstreetboysareback · 21/08/2018 21:57

Are you sure you're not just in a lull while the honeymoon effect wears off?

QueenOfMyWorld · 21/08/2018 22:14

I was in your position OP.We never had sex and it got to the point where he irritated me and I had no respect for him.After 8 years of marriage (which should have ended after 3) I found the strength to think you know what there is more to life than this!
4 months later I met my brilliant now dh and we have a 4 year old ds.Never settle.

CiderwithBuda · 21/08/2018 22:35

I’ve been married over 20 years to someone similar to your DH. No sex. One child through ivf. We get on but I wish I had left years ago. Seriously it will not get better.

You are not right together for whatever reason. Doesn’t matter. You are right together.

Original poster
Isitovernow · 21/08/2018 23:41

Thanks for sharing. Flowers

There was no honeymoon effect to be honest. It's almost funny, if it weren't so sad. We're home again. He's in one bedroom sleeping and I'm in another one reading and I'm pretty sure we are both much happier than if we were sharing a marital bed!

I know this happens but I didn't think it'd happen at 35 pre-kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
Isitovernow · 21/08/2018 23:45

That's a great story by the way @ Queenofmyworld.

OP posts:
CiderwithBuda · 22/08/2018 04:25

Typo in my last sentence- you are NOT right together it should read.

PollyFlinderz · 22/08/2018 05:31

OP, I think you just have to dig down deep and settle in for life because nothing anyone has said has got you thinking you could do this alone. You settled when you got married and thats it.

And you can't afford a trial seperation? All it would take is for you to find a room in a shared house if a family member couldn't have you to stay. It would be as simple as that. But somehow I dont think you want simple. I think you want to hear how hard it would be on your own (and it wouldnt) so you can justify giving up on yourself and never doing anything about the situation you got yourself into. And you did get yourself into it because there were warning sign have been there for years.

You're a long time dead.

Original poster
Isitovernow · 22/08/2018 08:11

@Ciderwithbuda thanks for sharing. I do wonder if I regret leaving but I do wonder if I'll regret giving up on children & that while life.

@Pollyflinderz a lot of what's been written has me thinking hard, especially the people who ended sexless marriages.

It's just a toughie because leaving would mean leaving a whole life behind. He's my very best friend but he's made it clear if we broke up there'd be no contact. I actually wish we could agree on friendship but he doesn't want that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Isitovernow · 22/08/2018 08:12

Sorry for typos

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Original poster
Isitovernow · 22/08/2018 08:13

That whole life

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PollyFlinderz · 22/08/2018 08:20

It's just a toughie because leaving would mean leaving a whole life behind. He's my very best friend but he's made it clear if we broke up there'd be no contact. I actually wish we could agree on friendship but he doesn't want that

So he’s effectively blackmailing you emotionally into staying with him.

Can you please see that for what it actually means and perhaps use it to explore other aspects of your relationship.

Oh and for all you know if you separate you might just be glad of the clean break and not need or want contact with him. I wouldn’t worry about what he’s saying.

snoopydogg · 22/08/2018 08:22

OP do you both have friends outside of the relationship? Do you have hobbies, separate interests etc? It's odd that you don't seem to be able to contemplate going it alone. Life would be hard at first but plenty of people lead full and happy lives alone and it's possibly less like to be detrimental to your health than staying in an unhappy marriage.

I was not married but in a relationship of three years, living together, we never had sex, got on well but were more like housemates. I ended up leaving and yeah I had to adjust to being alone but I felt an instant relief that I was free from it all afterwards. That's why a trial separation might be good.