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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is my marriage really ending?

411 replies

Isitovernow · 20/08/2018 09:43

I'm a big fan of MN & I think great advice is given. So hopefully some of you might have some thoughts on my situation...

My DH and I are married just over 1 year. We had a long on-off relationship before that. I've always loved him but in many ways, for me, he fell short...we are now married and I have that awful 'I see this if?' feeling. We haven't had sex in about three months and there is very little sexual interest on both sides. We are both physically fit, healthy & attractive but the spark is well and truly gone. We tried couples' counselling once before and my DH said never again.

On the plus side, my DH is reliable, he works very hard, he's loyal, I don't think he'd ever cheat, he cares about me and comes to all my family occasions (& I to his). I am attracted to him but I don't look up to him. He looks to me for a lot of guidance.

Even right now, we are on holidays in a lovely place and I'm secretly writing this while he sits on the toilet reading his iPad! He looked so excited to be going in there to do it too. We've been away alone a week and no sex.

I have tried talking to him numerous times about our difficulties or lack of sex. He just says 'yeah I know' and then changes the subject. He often mentions having children too!

I'm confused! Does this sound like a marriage on its last legs to you or is it the best I can do?

OP posts:
CiderwithBuda · 22/08/2018 10:03

Well if nothing changes nothing changes. He won’t for whatever reason. So you either accept the status quo or you don’t. He is using emotional blackmail saying there would be no contact. But also -he’s right in a way. Staying friends would actually hold you back.

Dljlr · 22/08/2018 11:22

You won't miss him as much as you think you will. He sounds more dependent on you than the other way around. This 'best friends' relationship is what happens when you live and spend your time amicably together without any sexual tension. When there's no reason to be together, because the relationship has ended, that 'best friends' relationship dies too - and you very likely won't miss it.

He might.

SandyY2K · 22/08/2018 11:41

Did he have relationships before you? Do you know why they ended? He seems asexual tbh or perhaps he has low testosterone levels.

It as though he's accepted this is it and has no sexual desire for you.

I don't suppose you want or he'd agree to an open marriage?

Could you try an in house seperation? It's not great...but you could try it.

See the link below

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.marriage.com/advice/separation/how-to-have-a-trial-separation-in-the-same-house/amp/

Original poster
Isitovernow · 22/08/2018 12:47

Yeah he had relationships before me. He's not asexual but he's easily put off. If he feels he's put on weight or eaten too much etc. He never initiates sex but then, neither do I...

Yeah maybe I'm over-estimating his impact. It's just been him for so long. I can't even imagine being with someone else (apart from sexual fantasies!).

OP posts:
Original poster
Isitovernow · 22/08/2018 12:51

Yeah I have friends & hobbies etc but not enough. Need to work on that.

The separation, thanks for link. I'd have to move out though for it to work in our case. We'll see ...

OP posts:
PollyFlinderz · 22/08/2018 17:06

I can't even imagine being with someone else

Met my husband at 16 and after many many years of a happy marriage we separated when I was 56. I’m now 60.

I’ve no desire or intention to be with any one else ever again but I’m happy and looking forward to a really good middle age and beyond.

You can do it too.

Joysmum · 22/08/2018 19:01

I can’t help but think your more attracted to the ideal of having a lifelong partner than you are to actually having a lifetime with him.

Singlenotsingle · 22/08/2018 19:15

No one can maintain the initial high level of sexual tension forever. You'd be exhausted. And tbh the sex dwindles in time whoever you're with - unless the opposite happens and the man wants sex every day, twice a day or more, and the woman doesn't. (It's usually the man). You read some horror stories on here. Things could be much worse, OP.

Original poster
Isitovernow · 23/08/2018 09:53

I'd say you've summed it up to a degree @Joysmum. I do feel like I want a life partner & I'm very close to my DH in ways.

@Singlenotsingle yeah I'm acutely aware it could be a lot worse and that's what keeps me here. I was an energetic, romantic, sexual person. I'm none of those things now in my marriage. I'm sure he's changed too. I suggested splitting again last night & he pulled back in horror, even though we couldn't agree on parenting of hypothetical children! As usual, we just brushed it aside & got on with our evening! It's a classic 'too good to leave, too bad to stay' scenario!

OP posts:
Original poster
Isitovernow · 23/08/2018 09:54

@Pollyflinderz Thanks. I'd say it was interesting having your freedom after being with someone from 16!

OP posts:
yetmorecrap · 23/08/2018 10:06

My H said he would want to stay friends, I think if you truly are then it is perfectly possible ,

Original poster
Isitovernow · 23/08/2018 10:35

@yetmorecrap

That's great your H would be open to that. On so many levels, I think we're better as friends ... maybe a lot of marriages are like that. I wonder how often people have sex. It's been months now and some of it is my fault.

OP posts:
PollyFlinderz · 23/08/2018 12:24

I'd say it was interesting having your freedom after being with someone from 16!

Freedom? I wasn't a prisoner so Ive never needed freedom.

Original poster
Isitovernow · 23/08/2018 12:31

I didn't mean it that way at all. FlowersGood for you, is all I meant.

OP posts:
yetmorecrap · 23/08/2018 12:41

yep, I agree about sex too OP. Thing is sometimes if you aren't 100% 'in' within your head, then your body isn't 'in' either, however much you know it 'should be' if you know what I mean. I wouldn't say its your 'fault'. Its no-ones fault if you aren't 'feeling it that way '-- it just feels like that sometimes

Kismett · 23/08/2018 12:45

You need to do one of two things. Either talk very bluntly with him and let him know that you are going to end the marriage over this. And decide on a plan together if you want to give it another shot. Have a deadline at least in your own head so that it doesn't drag on forever.

Or leave. If he has a low sex drive and you've already checked out of the marriage, there's no sense in staying together. It's not worth working on if you don't see a way for things to improve. It will just make both of you feel worse.

I understand your dilemma about having children but I don't feel that is something you can decide on your own. If you stay in the marriage just to have children (through IVF or otherwise), then that needs to be something that you decide on together.

IamPeas · 23/08/2018 13:25

I have been in a similar situation OP and my advice would be to leave while you are young enough to meet someone else and have children (or have children on your own).

I stayed in the relationship far longer than I should have done, because he was a good guy, he loved me, other things were good, etc, etc. But there were things that were wrong (obviously) and sex went out the window, but that was more because I didn't feel the spark with him.

I told myself things could be worse, thought that I didn't really have 'justifiable' reasons to end it, I worried about what family and friends would think - these thoughts went on for years! In the end I ended up kissing someone else on a night out and knew that I definitely had to end things.

I've had some great relationships since and am still friends with my ex's. I stayed friends with ex above for a few years too and met his new gf. We have lost contact now though.

The thing I've learnt in life is that we are each responsible for out own happiness. We aren't responsible for other people's happiness and no-one else is responsible for our happiness. Look deep within and ask yourself if you will be happy continuing in this relationship or whether you could be happier taking a different path?

Flowers
IamPeas · 23/08/2018 13:27

Also - I do think it is important to be on a similar intellectual level in a ltr.

hellsbellsmelons · 23/08/2018 13:40

I couldn't live without sex.
For perspective, I was with my ExH for 15 years.
Towards the end we probably had sex 2-3 times a week!!!!

Do NOT 'settle'
You'll regret.
Your resentment will grow.
You'll start to hate him.
And that isn't fair on either of you.

Would he agree to sex therapy?
Would he agree to an open relationship?

Original poster
Isitovernow · 23/08/2018 22:40

@yetmorecrap Yep, I think you're right. We just do not connect physically. We tried to have sex tonight, which was a big deal but it did not work out ... at all.

@Kisnett

Thanks. I am going to put a deadline on it. I'm thinking the end of the year. I can't keep living in 'no man's land.'

@IamPeas
Thank you for sharing. Such similar situations & despite the best of intentions, if this situation keeps going, who knows what could happen with either of us in a year or two'a time. Why do I think it'll miraculously change?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Isitovernow · 23/08/2018 22:43

@hellsbellsmelons

An open relationship is out of the question. I said it to him half joking once and he was shocked & appalled.

I'm not sure about sec therapy.

Wow! You and your ex had sex 2 or 3 times per week!! I cannot imagine that right now, even though I'd have done it daily with my first LTR.

OP posts:
Original poster
Isitovernow · 23/08/2018 22:44

sex therapy

OP posts:
Pessismistic · 23/08/2018 23:11

Hi op I’m in a similar situation but got dc so staying he wants sex but hasn’t the energy I feel like you I want it but I don’t initiate it physically but do say things like let’s have a shag or I have an urge hoping we will have sex. it’s about once a month at the minute if I’m lucky. I would leave if I had no dc only because it’s important to me if he was ill I probably wouldn’t feel as bad but it’s the thought he can if he wants too but doesn’t want too arghh the amount of men I’ve worked with who moan they don’t get enough and I want it I feel like screaming I won’t cheat but do wonder what it would be like to have that spark again I never had it in this relationship it was friendship turned into relationship I love him but do resent him sometimes but I don’t have the sexual urge to start things except verbally but I just sit there frustrated thinking is this it. Well yes it looks like it for me, I wish I would have had the fallen in love in the beginning because friendship isn’t enough for 30 plus years. I suggest you tell him if he doesn’t want you you might have to find someone who does you won’t be alone forever.

hellsbellsmelons · 24/08/2018 09:00

Why do I think it'll miraculously change?!
You don't really THINK it will you just HOPE it will.

Could he be gay??

LellyMcKelly · 24/08/2018 09:11

Gay was my first thought as well. My ex and I had a similar pattern. He wanted all the trappings of marriage, but didn’t want to be a real husband. His low sex drive was driven by the fact that he was having sex with men.