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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DS back home separated and lying to us

189 replies

Goodnan · 19/08/2018 23:25

DH and i are at our wits end and don't know what to do. DS has moved out of his home and left his wife and our DGD 3 years old, saying he needs space. He is back with us, he says he wants to work on his marriage and DS and DDIL have counselling arranged. But, we know he has been lying about what he does and where he goes, we have evidence of lies such as receipts for meals for 2 when he said he was somewhere else, plus other stuff.
We adore our DGD and DDIL ( she is devastated) and we are giving her all the support we can. She wants him back.
I'm so angry i want to throw my DS out, I don't think he has any intention of making his marriage work, and he has become a liar.
I have tried to confront him but he says nothing is going on.
Any advice on how to approach this mess

OP posts:
AjasLipstick · 20/08/2018 00:16

we have evidence of lies such as receipts for meals for 2 when he said he was somewhere else, plus other stuff.

This is unsavoury but none of your business. It's his life...he's an adult. You shouldn't "have receipts" which are his!

The best thing you could do is throw him out and stop providing him with a safe haven and enabling his shitty behaviour. Once he's on his own he will have to face up to his ways and what he has created.

Prying into his personal life won't help anyone.

timeisnotaline · 20/08/2018 00:20

Give dil a call and say I hope you’re ok, I know there are two sides to every story. Just wanted you to know that you and dgd are family and if you need a hand with anything call us.
I think I’d ask my ds to leave, but I’d have to think through if that meant anything negative for dgd...

AjasLipstick · 20/08/2018 00:21

Time OP has already said she is supporting the DIL. I'm sure that call has already been made.

starsorwater · 20/08/2018 00:28

He is an adult, did he just say he was moving in and turn up? Tell him to go. You are just enabling immature behaviour.

GreenTulips · 20/08/2018 00:32

He's an adult.

He's lying because he knows you'll be upset, and or tell his wife.

He's ended the marridge and agreed to councilling, the only thing wrong here is giving the woman hope.

Stay out of it and let him make his own mistakes, you have no idea what was going on in their marriage.

HerRoyalNotness · 20/08/2018 00:34

Kick the prick out of your house. No way I’d have my Dc back if they behaved like that. He should grow the fuck up Nd look after himself in his own place

Missillusioned · 20/08/2018 00:36

Please tell him to leave.

My ex did this and his mother enabled him so he could use her house as a base while he carried on an affair, while getting his meals cooked for him and washing done. It made it so easy for him to leave his family and not have to struggle at all.

Our marriage was never savable, but I still harbour resentment about this time. I was left alone to struggle with young children while he had all home comforts provided by his mother and sex on tap from OW.

BackInTheRoom · 20/08/2018 01:16

My ex moved back home whilst carrying out his affair. I was devastated. I was gutted I was left in utter shock while he had his washing, cooking and was supported by his mum and I was like a basket case abandoned with kids. I felt his mum should have encouraged him to leave and get a grip and give him a bit of reality tbh.

Thatsfuckingshit · 20/08/2018 04:43

I disagree about kicking him out. Personally my home is always open to my kids.

However I would be perfectly honest with him and tell him I did not like his behaviour and was aware of it. I wouldn't be doing his washing etc.

I would tell dil, I wasn't happy with my ds and would support her, but I wouldn't see my ds on the streets.

Unfortunately, our kids do stuff that we don't agree with. They have their own relationships and make their own mistakes.

HettieBettie · 20/08/2018 04:49

I doubt he’ll Be on the streets. A mates couch or a cheap hotel? If he can afford an affair of wining n dining he sounds like he can manage to get himself somewhere to sleep just fine.

Original poster
Goodnan · 20/08/2018 04:56

Thanks for the advice, I'm awake early again worrying about the situation.
We have always been so close he has up until now been a great son, (in his 30s), he knows I'm soft, and has said " I know you wouldn't see me out on the street " but he does have a lovely home to go to.
There are problems in the marriage which we are hoping can be sorted with counselling. He has taken his wedding ring off.
I have to be tough and tell him to go elsewhere, because I know he is lying to us.
I don't understand how he could leave DGD and go off with OW. I have always hated cheaters because it was done to me by an EXH now he is doing it

OP posts:
FishesThatFly · 20/08/2018 04:59

Wants the best if both worlds doesn't he.

I would not be enabling him at all. He is treating his wife with no respect. I certainly would not be meeting the OW any time soon as she is just as bad.

Does your DIL know he is having an affair?

I'm not sure how l would deal with this situation. On one side he is your son... but to live under my roof as an adult then there are rules.... and lying and committing adultery is breaking my rules

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 20/08/2018 05:11

I guess the issue is would your DIL actually be better off without him? Were you better off without your cheating ex? In the cold light of day could you say that you could rebuild the trust?

Are you charging him rent? I would charge him a third of his salary in rent plus expect him to cater for himself, do all his own cooking, washing, cleaning so he can plan financially for the future plus encourage him to find his own place. That should help him to focus on the financial reality of his situation. If you don't need the money then you can siphon it back to DIL or save it for DGD. Although she too will need some support in finding her feet financially too.

drastard · 20/08/2018 05:11

I wouldn't kick him out. He's your son. You only have proff that he doesn;t want you knowing some details of his life; nothing more.

I would stop going through his belongings.

You're projecting as you were cheated on. I suspect the "kick the fucking prick out" comments come from similarly bitter posters.

Original poster
Goodnan · 20/08/2018 05:13

DDIL believes he is not having an affair, when I'm sure his behaviour etc points to the fact he is. She loves him to bits.
I will NEVER meet and accept the OW, that is for sure.
I have told him several times that if he is having an affair and lying to me i will be beyond angry and disappointed, he denies it.
We think the world of our DDIL and DGD love them both so much
I love my son but hate what he is doing

OP posts:
RainySeptember · 20/08/2018 05:17

I wouldn't ask him to leave. My home will always be open to my dc, just as I know I could always go to my parents if I was in trouble.

Throwing him out might see him moving straight in with ow. He may also still be paying his wages into the household account, whereas being forced to rent somewhere might necessitate him stopping this and causing premature hardship for his dp.

While he is living with you, you have some influence over his behaviour. I would be encouraging him to end his marriage honestly if he is not committed to reconciling, and continue to support dil.

Beyond that I am not sure that you can do much more. Sometimes our dc disappoint us, even when they're adults, and it is painful to watch. You can't compel him to do anything really, just advise and guide, make your disapproval known, refuse to cover for him.

Ultimately you do not want to permanently damage your relationship with him or force him back to the marriage if he is genuinely unhappy. It is a tightrope and I feel for you, affairs are awful and devastate so many people.

drastard · 20/08/2018 05:18

So, you have a receipt vs the word of DiL and son?

But out.

"I will NEVER meet and accept the OW, that is for sure."

Grow up. What if this OW does exist outside your imagination and she has a grandchild of yours. Would you still never meet them?

How old are you?

"I love my son but hate what he is doing"

You don't know what he is doing

RainySeptember · 20/08/2018 05:24

"You don't know what he is doing."

She knows he is hurting his dp and dc by leaving them, and strongly suspects that this is due to an affair.

"Grow up. What if this OW does exist outside your imagination and she has a grandchild of yours. Would you still never meet them?"

Go steady. It's early days and emotions are raw. I'm sure many parents refuse to accept an ow but come to do so over time, because they have no choice really. OP doesn't really need to think about that yet, her focus is still quite rightly on her dil and dgc.

Thatsfuckingshit · 20/08/2018 05:38

She knows he is hurting his dp and dc by leaving them, and strongly suspects that this is due to an affair.

I take on board the bit about having an affair. However I would never want to see my son in a relationship he is unhappy in, because he doesn't want to hurt his partner.

Relationships fail, people get hurt. I would judge my son if he was having an affair and tell him so. I wouldn't judge him for leaving a rleationship he wasn't happy in. I would be sad for dil and my gc.

No one should be in a relationship they don't want to be.

drastard · 20/08/2018 05:40

"her focus is still quite rightly on her dil and dgc"

But it shouldn't be.

She should not be supporting either. Unless there's some DV, she has no business in their relationship. Especially when she has no proof (and she shouldn't be looking for any) of her son doing anything wrong.

DH and I separated for 3 months decades ago. His mother took him straight in and why wouldn't she? He hadn't had an affair or done anything 'wrong', by the way

I guess he is hurting his wife and child by leaving but DiL and DS want to work on their marriage and this could be for the best for all involved.

I think the OP needs to leave the adults alone to sort out their own problems. She should do this without guessing, playing amateur detective and kicking her son out of her home because of her previous experience.

Thatsfuckingshit · 20/08/2018 05:42

It's early days and emotions are raw. I'm sure many parents refuse to accept an ow but come to do so over time, because they have no choice really. OP doesn't really need to think about that yet, her focus is still quite rightly on her dil and dgc.

I agree with this. Bit the OP needs to careful what she says to dil, if a OW is involved. If in anger she says to dil she will never accept a OW and then eventually does, the dil will be even more hurt.

Also, I would just be careful. My mum was convinced that I left exh for my current partner. I left because he abused me. I did meet my current partner soon after I left. We became friends, then later a couple about 6 months after we met. Mum's still convinced I must have known him before I left. She judged me. I won't ever forgive her. She wasn't there for me because she was busy judging me for having a male friend.

DULLDull · 20/08/2018 05:52

I think you are projecting a bit here and getting too emotionally involved. You need to step back. It's his marriage and you don't know what's gone on and as hard as it is, these things happen. I would offer him a home but I would sit him down and say honesty is the best policy and if there's someone else it would be cruel to lead his wife on. Then stay out of it.

fieryginger · 20/08/2018 05:59

Really sorry to read this op, what a horrible situation - you must feel torn.

I would imagine, feeling your DS was settled and happy (we all just want our kids to be happy) feeling like you could relax on that front - and to suddenly, having that rug whipped from under your feet.

I'd support DS for now in terms of a roof over his head, fully understand your anger towards him and any vitriol towards possible OW. If DIL doesn't suspect an affair and DS is going to go to marriage counselling with her, maybe all is not lost??

For what it's worth, you sound like a great mil and Grandma. Hope all this works itself out and he sees sense. 💐💐💐

Original poster
Goodnan · 20/08/2018 05:59

For the record i have more proof than reciepts, and I didn't snoop for it, my son leaves something on the top of my bin! It's there i can't help but see it!
There's his sneaky behaviour...going out for ciggs 11 at night coming back at 1am. And other stuff I won't go into.
I will always support my DGD.
I don't want my DS in a unhappy marriage, but is he just stringing along out lovely DIL and has already checked out of the relationship, he should he honest and let DIL start to come to terms with it.

OP posts:
yikesanotherbooboo · 20/08/2018 06:03

My DH went to his mother for 'thinking time'. It meant he was free to see OW whenever he wanted and had clothes washed etc. It made me resentful of my mil who showed me no support. I suppose it meant that the DC and I suffered less financially. If mil had phoned me or shown support of any kind it would have helped me.

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