DS back home separated and lying to us

[Goodnan]

DH and i are at our wits end and don't know what to do. DS has moved out of his home and left his wife and our DGD 3 years old, saying he needs space. He is back with us, he says he wants to work on his marriage and DS and DDIL have counselling arranged. But, we know he has been lying about what he does and where he goes, we have evidence of lies such as receipts for meals for 2 when he said he was somewhere else, plus other stuff.
We adore our DGD and DDIL ( she is devastated) and we are giving her all the support we can. She wants him back.
I'm so angry i want to throw my DS out, I don't think he has any intention of making his marriage work, and he has become a liar.
I have tried to confront him but he says nothing is going on.
Any advice on how to approach this mess

"Imagine he moves back just because his mum told him what a shit he was being to you. Does that sit right?"

It's not about making him go back to his wife, it's about encouraging him to treat her with honesty and respect whilst not condoning the lying and cheating.

If anyone blatantly lied to me whilst living under my roof I wouldn’t tolerate it, I would question their motive for telling me lies and explain it is my business if they are telling me lies

It’s about not allowing him to believe his mum is ok with it so it can’t be that bad.

What your family will think of you doesn't, and never has stopped people having affairs.

It's very sad when a marriage ends. Sometimes they just do and people just stop being able to be in that relationship.

I'd hate my husband to stay with me because his mum would be disappointed if he left.

I'd hate to feel I couldn't speak frankly to my son and say 'Look, I love you and I always will, and I'll always help and support you where I can. But I don't agree with the way you're behaving right now and I don't think it's fair on your wife or your kids'.

But I don't agree with the way you're behaving right now and I don't think it's fair on your wife or your kids'.

That's reasonable. But it wouldn't be right to make him think the only right thing to do is stay married when he doesn't want to be. You can say you're not impressed with how he's handling it but I wouldn't be comfortable telling him you're disappointed because he doesn't want to be married.

don't want him to think it's easy to leave

Do you have any reason to think he's left lightly on a whim? Has he made such huge decisions lightly before?

I don't want to push him somewhere he is unhappy and I don't want him pushed to possible OW

This is a lot of your problem. You feel you have some sort of control over how this will pan out but you really really don't. Nothing you do/say will change the course of this in any way.

If he is shagging someone else, or the marriage is over any way then either way he needs to be cracking gun with getting a divorce. Either he or his wife will need to move out of the marital home and get their own place. Seeing as he's already left then that should probably be him. His finances are his concern. He's going to have to pay for rent and bills and for his children. I'd be telling his wife I suspect he's got an OW as it's not fair on anyone that he's playing around and she doesn't know and thinks there's hope. That's cruel. No way I'd be babysitting whilst he goes out for sex either.

"What your family will think of you doesn't, and never has stopped people having affairs."

No, but if you care about their good opinion of you then that alone might encourage you to behave honourably towards your ex.

I certainly know at least two men who stepped up as dads after separation because family made their disappointment known.

"Nothing you do/say will change the course of this in any way."

Not necessarily true. Sometimes people listen to good advice from people they trust, or acknowledge a different point of view that they hadn't considered.

Viagra, moonlight flits, eating elsewhere, all after walking out on his wife and little child. It doesn't take a brain surgeon to work out that this young man isn't wasting any precious free time working on his marriage. He sounds as if he has decided it's not quite for him anymore and he'd like some fun. You are unwittingly helping him to do this by taking him back in when he's a bloody grown man.
Why is it your responsibility to put him up? Why didn't he make alternative accommodation arrangements? Because he knows you are a soft touch. There was a time when men couldn't just run home to mummy when they couldn't be bothered with marriage anymore.
There is nothing quite like having to face up to your own problems without the safety net of parents always catching you when you fall or not thinking that a counsellor is going to magically solve your unhappiness. Why did he have to walk out on his wife and child if he wants the marriage to continue? Because he wants to take a rain check on being married and have abit of fun in the meantime.

"What your family will think of you doesn't, and never has stopped people having affairs."

You really can't speak for everyone. It didn't stop those that had affairs. ..but you aren't aware of those who haven't had affairs because of what their families would think.

as I know this has stopped people havubf

Sometimes people listen to good advice from people they trust, or acknowledge a different point of view that they hadn't considered

Maybe in minor ways. But he's already decided he can live with how he is behaving 'in his own head'. How other people view it will have minimal sway. I wouldn't want op to feel she has any way of influencing the larger outcomes of this. If he is stringing her along it's not in anyway a failing on the ops part. I'm sure she's spent a life time teaching him the basics of right and wrong. Even then otherwise good people have affairs.

as I know this has stopped people havubf

Tell me about that.