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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DS back home separated and lying to us

189 replies

Goodnan · 19/08/2018 23:25

DH and i are at our wits end and don't know what to do. DS has moved out of his home and left his wife and our DGD 3 years old, saying he needs space. He is back with us, he says he wants to work on his marriage and DS and DDIL have counselling arranged. But, we know he has been lying about what he does and where he goes, we have evidence of lies such as receipts for meals for 2 when he said he was somewhere else, plus other stuff.
We adore our DGD and DDIL ( she is devastated) and we are giving her all the support we can. She wants him back.
I'm so angry i want to throw my DS out, I don't think he has any intention of making his marriage work, and he has become a liar.
I have tried to confront him but he says nothing is going on.
Any advice on how to approach this mess

OP posts:
RainySeptember · 20/08/2018 17:03

"My 37 yr old son has moved back in with us, following a split, but unlike you, we don't snoop through his personal stuff, don't pry into his life. Mind your business. Throw him out?! Some mother you are...."

OP hasn't pried, snooped or thrown him out.

Original poster
Goodnan · 20/08/2018 17:12

Exactly i have not snooped, he was blatant or careless about evidence of possible cheating, it my home for God's sake, he is an adult with a perfectly good home.
The anger makes me want to throw him out and actually I'm a good mother.

I have morals i don't want him hurting anyone let alone DDIL or DGC , I can't stand by and watch him do it under my roof.

"Did you ask him where he stated last night a nd what did he say".....that is part of tonight's conversation.

OP posts:
Original poster
Goodnan · 20/08/2018 17:14

Stayed sorry

OP posts:
FromNowOn · 20/08/2018 17:32

He has run to his mums, took his wedding ring off and been totally dishonest. To his mum (who has taken him in) and to his wife (who still thinks there is a chance.)
It's not fair.

This.

I think that’s it in a nutshell and I think there’s a big difference between going home to stay with your parents when you’ve ended your marriage the best way you could and doing what you’ve said - running home to your mum and behaving in a really unscrupulous way.

And this.

I would not be supporting his behaviour. And I would be making it very clear that he would not be using your house as a base to be able to have an affair.

I can’t believe the people on here saying keep out of it. He made it your business and your poor DIL is desperately hoping he’s coming back whilst he’s shagging busy around.

If this was the DIL posting there would be very different replies about his behaviour.

FrustratedTeddyLamp · 20/08/2018 17:38

I wonder if he actually wants to get back with his DW but hasnt told you because you seem fiercely more loyal to her than him. Also you say he has a perfectly good home but even if they were trying to work it through it seems pretty common one person moves out and if its more certain than you realise then ive seen more than enough posters call those that dont move out bastards cunts etc and if they are splitting up that doesnt seem a great place to live.

FrustratedTeddyLamp · 20/08/2018 17:42

I mean how often have people seen parents praise DP/DW/DH when you know theyve been a little shit/ abusive etc.

Original poster
Goodnan · 20/08/2018 17:57

I can't praise shitty behaviour son or no son, I brought him up to respect people and women, and not to intentionally hurt anyone

I can't see he will say there is someone else because he is afraid of my response

Maybe I thought he is having casual boinks testing the water so to speak while away from DW, but that ain't right either, he says he wants his marriage to work, counselling etc. Why the ring off if his marriage isn't over and he is trying to save it

God I'm so confused by it all gahhhhh!!

OP posts:
Longtalljosie · 20/08/2018 18:01

Good luck Goodnan. You’re a good mum, too. If you quietly condone shitty behaviour, he’ll continue to treat his partner, present or future, like that.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 20/08/2018 18:17

I meant to say that I have never heard of this 'no contact' thing in real life. It seems to be purely a MN phenomenon.

What do you mean? I have no contact with my parents in real life - but most people must presume that they're dead and therefore don't ask, and don't know that I am. It doesn't come up in conversation much if at all and it wasn't a big dramatic showdown. It was my decision long before I joined MN, too.

Northernparent68 · 20/08/2018 20:17

Op, for your own sake I’d urge you not to get so involved, it’s clearly effecting your health and is helping no one.

By being so involved you are damaging your relationship with your son. Contrary to what you write you are n’t enabling anything, you’re just giving your son a roof over his head.

HonkyWonkWoman · 20/08/2018 21:21

Exactly! Northernparent.
OP you've already mentioned that it is affecting your Dh's health and from the tone of your posts, yours also.
I understand that you love your DDil and Dgc and you would give anything for "this" to all go away.
For your own health, step back from being so involved and second guessing everything.

Support your DDil and Dgc as much as you can, give your Dson a roof over his head.
And until you know something concrete you will have to take it at a face value.
And just step back from all this stressing and worrying!
Flowers

FrustratedTeddyLamp · 20/08/2018 21:21

When you think about it, its pretty fucked up kicking him out as a way to get him to go back to a marriage and living situation hes obviously unhappy with.

RainySeptember · 20/08/2018 21:34

She hasn't said she's going to kick him out.

FrustratedTeddyLamp · 20/08/2018 22:16

im so angry i want to throw my DS out

i have to be tough, and tell him to go elsewhere as i know he has been lying to us

the anger makes me want to thriw him out

FrustratedTeddyLamp · 20/08/2018 22:20

im so angry i want to throw my DS out

i have to be tough, and tell him to go elsewhere as i know he has been lying to us

the anger makes me want to thriw him out

FrustratedTeddyLamp · 20/08/2018 22:21

Gah its not spacing them

im so angry i want to throw my DS out

And

i have to be tough, and tell him to go elsewhere as i know he has been lying to us

And

the anger makes me want to thriw him out

Fairylea · 20/08/2018 22:31

I don’t think those saying she should throw him out are saying that so that he goes back to his wife. It’s so that the wife doesn’t feel that the mil is supporting him whilst he is having an affair. That’s all.

Original poster
Goodnan · 20/08/2018 22:46

I'm not throwing him out!! I was upset and angry earlier, I don't want to push him somewhere he is unhappy and I don't want him pushed to possible OW, and a hotel means he may not have money to be able to contribute to his own house and DGC.

I'm taking the advice of stepping back...He is an adult i can't stop him doing anything but if he is here i can support and influence him to do the right thing for him and his family whatever that may be. It's his choice after all.

I'm not making his life comfy here....I don't want him to think it's easy to leave, his family, and I've made it clear he needs to be honest so we will see how it goes.

OP posts:
SchnitzelVonKrumm · 20/08/2018 23:42

So did you speak to him?

HonkyWonkWoman · 20/08/2018 23:50

She's just said she's made it clear he has to be honest!

So obviously she's spoken to him Schnitzel rtt

Northernparent68 · 21/08/2018 05:36

Telling him he needs to be honest is still getting involved. Why do you need to know ? Do you really want the details of his marriage ? It might look like a good marriage from the outside but not from his perspective.

RainySeptember · 21/08/2018 06:37

"Telling him he needs to be honest is still getting involved. Why do you need to know ?"

I took that to mean that op is asking him to be honest with his wife, since he seems to be conducting an affair whilst telling her he wants counselling/reconciliation.

Original poster
Goodnan · 21/08/2018 07:11

I did mean honest to wife and himself.....

OP posts:
headinhands · 21/08/2018 07:36

If you quietly condone shitty behaviour, he’ll continue to treat his partner, present or future, like that

He's not 4 though is he. Think about it. Imagine you're the wife. Imagine your husband walks out and stays with his parents because he's having an affair. Imagine he moves back just because his mum told him what a shit he was being to you. Does that sit right?

Longtalljosie · 21/08/2018 11:49

No. But that’s not the point I was making. Not condoning his behaviour wasn’t about frogmarching him back to his wife. It’s about not allowing him to believe his mum is ok with it so it can’t be that bad.

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