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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DS back home separated and lying to us

189 replies

Goodnan · 19/08/2018 23:25

DH and i are at our wits end and don't know what to do. DS has moved out of his home and left his wife and our DGD 3 years old, saying he needs space. He is back with us, he says he wants to work on his marriage and DS and DDIL have counselling arranged. But, we know he has been lying about what he does and where he goes, we have evidence of lies such as receipts for meals for 2 when he said he was somewhere else, plus other stuff.
We adore our DGD and DDIL ( she is devastated) and we are giving her all the support we can. She wants him back.
I'm so angry i want to throw my DS out, I don't think he has any intention of making his marriage work, and he has become a liar.
I have tried to confront him but he says nothing is going on.
Any advice on how to approach this mess

OP posts:
Thatsfuckingshit · 20/08/2018 10:32

Magpie your DH sounds really vindictive.

I disagree. Magpie mum and sister chose a side. He then chose his reaction to that.

I will never be the same with my mum and dad, because they jumped straight to me having an affair. I wasn't. But I am not going waste breath on people who think otherwise

oreoxoreo · 20/08/2018 10:43

Haven't read the whole thread. I would be honest as it is. It is your home and he is now an adult, and you are in control of your home. I'd tell him you suspect he is cheating, encourage him to be honest with you and his wife, look for the right solutions etc. Set a time limit. He may not open up but don't be afraid to talk. Show that you understand but don't accept this as a behaviour standard.

RainySeptember · 20/08/2018 10:46

"It was all a lot of drama for them but they picked what side they wanted to be on and that’s down to them . "

For a family to choose to side with dil over their own son/brother I can only assume he was acting like a right cunt and didn't like being called out on it. Maybe he expected unconditional support, that they didn't feel able to give in the circumstances.

If one of my DS turned up here because a relationship wasn't working I'd give him all the support he needed.

If he turned up, openly conducted an affair under my nose whilst lying to his dw about the possibility of reconciliation, I'd make my opinions known. I wouldn't throw him out, but he'd know I was disappointed.

The Relationships board is full of stories of men treating women badly. Small wonder when their own parents are smiling indulgently while they do so. Telling your child, even as an adult, that they're behaving badly is the right thing to do and shouldn't end the relationship unless the Little Prince feels unjust indignation at being told he's in the wrong when he is in fact in the wrong.

SirGawain · 20/08/2018 10:48

Keep your fucking beak out and support your son, why the hell are you projecting so much?
Yes he really really deserves lots of support. He's left his wife and kids, lying to his parents, and a;most certainly having an affair which he is also lying about. Just the kind of person who deserves support. A son that you could be proud of FuckPants.

SandyY2K · 20/08/2018 10:50

Get a grip. I have never cheated on a partner. I wouldn't kick my son out or see him sofa surfing either.

I have a very firm grip. It's comments like keep your f..king beak out and it's none of her business I'm referring to.

If my son who has left his wife is seeing another woman and stringing her along with MC then it's my business.

It's my business because he's in my house and I wouldn't like my own daughter treated like this.

So if it makes me nosey or interfering that I don't want my DIL treated badly...then so be it. I can live with that.

There was a guy who was in marriage counselling following his affair.

He was also seeing the same counsellor for (IC) individual counselling. In one IC session he tells the counsellor he needed to leave early because it was his girlfriend's birthday.

A total mockery of MC and very cruel behaviour to his wife.

I will not blindly defend someone just because they are family. If they're doing wrong I will not enable crappy behaviour, by burying my head in the sand like some people in life seem to do.

If my son isn't happy with his wife..that's fine....end it and don't be deceitful and sneaky about it.

I don't like to see anybody being made a fool of.

Thatsfuckingshit · 20/08/2018 10:51

For a family to choose to side with dil over their own son/brother I can only assume he was acting like a right cunt and didn't like being called out on it. Maybe he expected unconditional support, that they didn't feel able to give in the circumstances.

Total bollocks. My parents did even ask me why I left exh. The first thing they said was 'so there a someone else?'.

I hadn't even laud eyes on my now dp then. I did act like a cunt to anyone. I was abused by my husband and got no support.

Not all family's rally round. Some families just assume you must be to blame.

FuckPants · 20/08/2018 10:54

Yes he really really deserves lots of support. He's left his wife and kids, lying to his parents, and a;most certainly having an affair which he is also lying about. Just the kind of person who deserves support. A son that you could be proud of FuckPants.

Thank you Grin

I'd support my son no matter what within reason, however when I posted my initial comment the OP hadn't dropped the bomb about the viagra, I'm now sitting here thinking WTF is he playing at.

GinandGingerBeer · 20/08/2018 10:55

He made it the OPs business when he moved back into their home and left empty packets of viagra lying about.
Of course it's her business.
It will be her business once the inevitable happens, the dil finds out goes through pain and devastation then the son realises there's no longevity in his viagra relationship, regrets what he's done but the dil hates his guts and has moved. Thus impacting the whole family dynamic.

You don't need a crystal ball 🔮

GinandGingerBeer · 20/08/2018 10:56

That should read 'has moved on'

PerverseConverse · 20/08/2018 11:09

Is your DDIL on mumsnet because this sounds rather familiar.....

Original poster
Goodnan · 20/08/2018 11:16

If course it's my business, he asked if he could come and stay for a short while so he can sort the marriage out, there have been problems, he has told me all about them, him under my roof makes it my business, but, I'm walking a tightrope here.
My DH is becoming unwell over all this worry.
He goes home to see DC 3-4 times a week or DGC comes to our house.
I'm too emotional i think, it breaks my heart to see DGC throw arms around daddy and say I love you, then he packs up his overnight bag and goes out to who knows where, or who knows who.

OP posts:
Original poster
Goodnan · 20/08/2018 11:17

No Ddil not on mumsnet

OP posts:
PerverseConverse · 20/08/2018 11:23

My FIL, and the rest of my in laws enabled my stbexh to behave like this too. He's a grown man. My parents would never have stood for this kind of behaviour from my siblings or me, it was a case of you're an adult you sort your problems out and don't come running home expecting to live here and carry on with another man or woman when married. He's showing everyone a total lack of respect. He needs to grow up.

userxx · 20/08/2018 11:27

What a horrible position you are in OP. Its the lying that's heart-breaking, his poor wife.

Thatsfuckingshit · 20/08/2018 11:27

SandyY2K and how does that translate to 'anyone who disagrees with me must treat people badly?'

Rosemary46 · 20/08/2018 11:27

So when DHC is at your house to see his father , his father goes out and leaves the child and stays overnight elsewhere ??

yetmorecrap · 20/08/2018 11:30

Ignore people who say keep your beak out, some right charmers out there, just support them both, tell your son you will also be supporting Dil , but if he does want to talk, say you won’t judge

HarshingMyMellow · 20/08/2018 11:37

Son or not I couldn't facilitate someone breaking someone else's heart or stringing them along.
I just couldn't.
Especially not when there are children involved.

Tell him you know. He can continue to deny it but you're not stupid and can see it from a mile off.
Tell him that you've given him a roof over his head when he decided to walk out of his marriage and on his child, the least he can do is be honest with you in return.

Then give him a time limit. Either he tells his wife or you will.

She doesn't deserve to be strung along, picking up the lions share of childcare/housework/errands whilst he's traipsing about getting his end away at any opportunity.

I feel for you, OP. I really do.

Alfiemoon1 · 20/08/2018 11:44

So sorry you are in this situation op. I think you are doing the right thing. U are supporting your dil and while u don’t condone your ds behaviour giving him a roof over his head as he is still your child and if he was renting somewhere it would impact on the family financially

Hopefully they will sort it out amicably for the sake of your dgc

Original poster
Goodnan · 20/08/2018 11:58

Thank you for all the advice, and support, I didn't think anyone would give a hoot about my problems.

So I'm having a conversation tonight with him, there has to be a time limit to this, we his parents are becoming unwell with worry.

I want to know what his plans are to move back, and say I will support him etc, however I want him to be truthful with me since he is under my roof and if he is not going back to DDIL and it's over he needs to be brave and truthful about that.
I can't bear the lies and subterfuge, I don't want to be part of it.

I feel i am enabling him if I don't do this.

He has scampered out the house once when DGC was there, like a rat out a trap, late it seems, for something, with his bag and going out clothing, didn't come back, that's not happening again i will be telling him tonight, I'm convinced he went on a date of some sort.

OP posts:
Magpiemagpie · 20/08/2018 12:02

@Rainyseptember
Nope DH wasn’t behaving like a cunt he’s a pretty simple person
The fact that he still get on great with his ex wife and his kids and always has would prove that he wasn’t a cunt at all

He didn’t cheat on her he wasn’t happy so he left .
He didn’t expect support he expected and wanted them to stay neutral but they didn’t they completely sided with his ex wife and that’s their choice but they shouldn’t expect him to come running when they decided they wanted to get back in touch with him years later .

His mum is old and quite ill now but my DH isn’t the slightest bit interested in getting back in touch with her or his sister

Some families are cunts but it wasn’t my DH who was behaving like one

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 20/08/2018 12:05

Well he's clearly got an OW and you must tell him you can't support his behaviour and that he needs to be honest with his wife.

And you should send him to the GP because a man in his thirties with a new lover (or an old one) should not be relying on viagra to get it up.

Raven88 · 20/08/2018 12:08

Maybe he is lying to you because he knows you wouldn't support him and he knows that you are on DIL side.

FrustratedTeddyLamp · 20/08/2018 12:10

Tbh im not surprised he could be lying, you're so obviously on your DIL side and he may know its over between him and his DW but knows he'll get no support from you if it is. There are tons of posters coming from the side of a DIL, but ghat doesnt mean theyre right as they're emotionally charged.

I imagine if you did throw him out and he then went to a hotel etc and then couldnt afford so much for his DC he'd get stick for that also. Fact is you dont know the intracies of his marriage and what your DIL is really like.

For all you know its the DIL he's meeting up with but isnt telling you as you're obviously over invested.

Coolaschmoola · 20/08/2018 12:19

With all due respect, you have no idea what has actually occurred in THEIR marriage, or how each of them has behaved, beyond what they've told you. That will be both limited and hugely biased.

The fact remains that your DS was unhappy enough with his wife to leave his child. That's a big thing, not a decision made lightly. You appear think your DIL is amazing, but your DS was clearly unhappy. Have you ever considered that there may be reasons for that?

Just be very aware that there is never a perfect person and a complete arsehole.