Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DS back home separated and lying to us

189 replies

Goodnan · 19/08/2018 23:25

DH and i are at our wits end and don't know what to do. DS has moved out of his home and left his wife and our DGD 3 years old, saying he needs space. He is back with us, he says he wants to work on his marriage and DS and DDIL have counselling arranged. But, we know he has been lying about what he does and where he goes, we have evidence of lies such as receipts for meals for 2 when he said he was somewhere else, plus other stuff.
We adore our DGD and DDIL ( she is devastated) and we are giving her all the support we can. She wants him back.
I'm so angry i want to throw my DS out, I don't think he has any intention of making his marriage work, and he has become a liar.
I have tried to confront him but he says nothing is going on.
Any advice on how to approach this mess

OP posts:
Fairylea · 20/08/2018 08:17

Thinking about it, in my situation what I would have liked is for my now ex mil to confront my dh and tell him how unacceptable his behaviour was to her, to contact me and say she wouldn’t stand for it under her nose and that she had confronted dh and for her to tell him to live elsewhere. I would have respected her more.

SoupDragon · 20/08/2018 08:26

It's good he left his wife and not behaved like this whilst with her.

You really think he left first?

Twentyonesecondstogo · 20/08/2018 08:35

You sound amazing OP
Having been in a position similar to your DIL

SandyY2K · 20/08/2018 08:38

Keep your fucking beak out
How rude.

OP, you be clearly got good morals and don't want to see your DIL hurt.

I applaud you for that and I think some comments on here are quite mean/harsh. Those are likely from people who have the same behaviour as your DS.

Marriage counselling is a joke and waste of time when one is having an affair.

If it was me...I'd tell my DIL that I felt he's seeing someone else based, based on what I've observed. If she continued with him after hearing that from his own mother...then more fool her.

I think any decent mother would be concerned and you're not enabling him as others would do.

ivykaty44 · 20/08/2018 08:41

Have you asked him outright why he is telling you lies?

Have you asked him why he has gone out with someone and paid for a meal when his daughter is at home without her daddy?

I would want the truth on the table? Sit down with your son without judgement and ask him these questions and more

FuckPants · 20/08/2018 08:42

I applaud you for that and I think some comments on here are quite mean/harsh. Those are likely from people who have the same behaviour as your DS.

Hahaha Grin

No, it's because OP is snooping and jumping to conclusions very easily.

itsoknottobeokok · 20/08/2018 08:47

Don't get involved, don't take sides. Tell DS he has a fixed length of time to stay with you and then go back or find a place of his own.

If he's having an affair there's a reason why.

Try and stay neutral and don't offer advice unless asked for it.

Butterymuffin · 20/08/2018 08:47

Snooping when she looks at stuff that's been left lying around in her own house? Hmm

RainySeptember · 20/08/2018 08:50

"Keep your fucking beak out."

I think that it's very hard to do this when it essentially means standing back and watching someone you love treating someone else very badly, especially when it is happening under your nose in your own home.

Should she keep her fucking beak out if, say, he stops paying money to dil? Stops seeing his dd?

Personally I think op sounds very kind and considerate. She is supporting her son with a roof while attempting to influence his behaviour positively, whilst also attempting to support dil/dgc because they are confused and devastated.

If he wanted op to keep her fucking beak out he shouldn't have involved her by moving in or been quite so obvious about ow.

yikesanotherbooboo · 20/08/2018 08:53

I feel exactly the same as Fairylea and I hope that if one of my DC came home to me after betraying their DP, their children and their marriage vows that I wouldn't be enabling and facilitating the lies and adultery. I wouldn't be making them homeless but I would be clear about my disappointment and that dills or sil would be remains in my family with the DGC for as long as they wished. Marriage is a contract that is all about security and family and much less about falling in love in my opinion.

SoupDragon · 20/08/2018 08:53

If he's having an affair there's a reason why.

Because he’s a cunt.

LeftRightCentre · 20/08/2018 08:53

If he's having an affair there's a reason why.

Yeah, like that he's a cheating, lying twat.

LOL @ people being interested in the business of family members who are living in their house. How very dare they?

NadiaLeon · 20/08/2018 08:57

I think both you and your son need to grow up and think rationally, not emotionally.

Longtalljosie · 20/08/2018 08:59

NasiaLeon that’s the most unhelpful post I think I’ve ever seen. Rationally, it’s seems likely the DS is reacting biologically, rather than emotionally. And an emotional reaction to loss of family is also a rational reaction.

drastard · 20/08/2018 09:11

@SoupDragon

If he's having an affair there's a reason why.

Because he’s a cunt.

Maybe he's escaping a emotionally toxic abusive marriage and you're victim blaming, you patriarchy-apologiser

yetmorecrap · 20/08/2018 09:11

Op, I think you are doing it exactly right. Support them both but make it clear to your son that in order to support him he has to come clean to his wife about the situation. I would say you have seen receipts left around and believe he has been seeing someone else and that his wife deserves the truth

LeftRightCentre · 20/08/2018 09:18

Maybe he's escaping a emotionally toxic abusive marriage

And he needed to boink someone else to do that Hmm. Pull the other one.

drastard · 20/08/2018 09:25

All we know is he had a receipt for a meal for 2. Is there any evidence of boinking?

Original poster
Goodnan · 20/08/2018 09:25

I have suspicion of an affair, but he denies it, so no real proof.
If I tell my DDIL she will be beyond devastated, she is already hurting so much, I can't lay more pain on her.
I'm providing more support to her in lots of ways and will continue
It's my sons job to tell her about OW if there is one, or that the marriage is over I'm not doing his dirty work for him

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 20/08/2018 09:27

Maybe he's escaping a emotionally toxic abusive marriage and you're victim blaming, you patriarchy-apologiser

Still no reason to have an affair. Just leave.

The only reason to have an affair is if you are a cunt - Male or female. So you can stick your personal insults somewhere dark.

Original poster
Goodnan · 20/08/2018 09:28

3 used empty packets of viagra , why's he need that!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Goodnan · 20/08/2018 09:39

I do know what it's for being a nurse, but he ain't sleeping with his wife is he.
Perhaps it's for someone else...doh!! Is what he would probably be saying if asked him about it...which I'm not gonna do....that's to personal i couldn't do it.

OP posts:
Longtalljosie · 20/08/2018 09:40

In your bin? You need a word with him. He’s practically telling you himself. Tell him you won’t turn a blind eye because you value your relationship with your DIL and if he is having a relationship it will be elsewhere.

StellaHeyStella · 20/08/2018 09:40

receipts for meals for 2 when he said he was somewhere else, plus other stuff.

If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck.......

You are right in my opinion op, Ds is having an affair and presenting to the OW as a single man who can come and go as he pleases and has the associated disposable income to wine and dine her - and this is only possible because you are facilitating his new lifestyle by taking him in to the comfort of your home rent free.

If you feel you need further proof then follow him and catch him at it, you are in a position to do this unlike the Ddil who has child care to consider. FWIW I wouldn't bother.

You need to do one of two things straight away and that is either charge him market rent (and like pp have suggested pass it back to Ddil) and stop doing his washing and cooking or alternatively throw him out and see how sofa surfing suits. Ds is living in a unrealistic bubble and you need to pop it without further delay.

Monetary sanctions will undoubtedly focus his mind.

StellaHeyStella · 20/08/2018 09:40

receipts for meals for 2 when he said he was somewhere else, plus other stuff.

If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck.......

You are right in my opinion op, Ds is having an affair and presenting to the OW as a single man who can come and go as he pleases and has the associated disposable income to wine and dine her - and this is only possible because you are facilitating his new lifestyle by taking him in to the comfort of your home rent free.

If you feel you need further proof then follow him and catch him at it, you are in a position to do this unlike the Ddil who has child care to consider. FWIW I wouldn't bother.

You need to do one of two things straight away and that is either charge him market rent (and like pp have suggested pass it back to Ddil) and stop doing his washing and cooking or alternatively throw him out and see how sofa surfing suits. Ds is living in a unrealistic bubble and you need to pop it without further delay.

Monetary sanctions will undoubtedly focus his mind.