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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DS back home separated and lying to us

189 replies

Goodnan · 19/08/2018 23:25

DH and i are at our wits end and don't know what to do. DS has moved out of his home and left his wife and our DGD 3 years old, saying he needs space. He is back with us, he says he wants to work on his marriage and DS and DDIL have counselling arranged. But, we know he has been lying about what he does and where he goes, we have evidence of lies such as receipts for meals for 2 when he said he was somewhere else, plus other stuff.
We adore our DGD and DDIL ( she is devastated) and we are giving her all the support we can. She wants him back.
I'm so angry i want to throw my DS out, I don't think he has any intention of making his marriage work, and he has become a liar.
I have tried to confront him but he says nothing is going on.
Any advice on how to approach this mess

OP posts:
NarcolepticOuchMouse · 20/08/2018 12:39

I don't think I'd care how old he is, if he's under my roof he better bloody behave himself. Disrespecting women like that is something I would not tolerate. Tough love is needed here OP, seemingly he is still in need of parenting to learn to act right. The wedding ring coming off should signal that it isn't savable, I'd tell DIL and stop her longing out her misery. Have you spoken to your DP about whether he thinks an affair is likely? It's a toughie because you need to be right about there being OW before kicking him out. Oooft if there is OW I'd show him all the colours of ballistic.

HarshingMyMellow · 20/08/2018 12:46

@NarcolepticOuchMouse couldn't of said it better myself.

If he's unhappy in his marriage, he is perfectly entitled and able to call it a day and divorce his wife.
It just takes balls to do so.

He has run to his mums, took his wedding ring off and been totally dishonest. To his mum (who has taken him in) and to his wife (who still thinks there is a chance.)
It's not fair.

HarshingMyMellow · 20/08/2018 12:47

*couldn't have

PollyFlinderz · 20/08/2018 12:53

That's a big thing, not a decision made lightly.

It’s not always the case. Some people can just get caught up in nonsense and think of no one but themselves.

PollyFlinderz · 20/08/2018 13:00

He has run to his mums, took his wedding ring off and been totally dishonest. To his mum (who has taken him in) and to his wife (who still thinks there is a chance.)
It's not fair.

I think that’s it in a nutshell and I think there’s a big difference between going home to stay with your parents when you’ve ended your marriage the best way you could and doing what you’ve said - running home to your mum and behaving in a really unscrupulous way.

I’d never see my kids without a home, in fact they all still have bedrooms here at home, but if any of mine did this they would be told exactly what it makes them and told to sort it out one way or another.

Lynne1Cat · 20/08/2018 13:04

My 37 yr old son has moved back in with us, following a split, but unlike you, we don't snoop through his personal stuff, don't pry into his life. Mind your business. Throw him out?! Some mother you are....

IamPeas · 20/08/2018 13:05

You are a good person OP and I'm sorry you're in this situation, which does involve you as it's a family matter with the people you love dearly involved. I think you are doing the right think by speaking to him tonight, although he will be believing any lies he is telling himself, you, his DW, DC and OW, so he will probably continue lying.

There are some nasty people on this thread who seem to lack empathy with others - mostly those with 'fuck' in their name. Fuck 'em.

pisces7268 · 20/08/2018 13:06

You seem like a lovely lady and have great morals, I'm sure anyone would love to have a mother in law like you!

Just be honest with your son and ask him to be honest with you. If he's using your house as a place to stay whilst continuing an affair that's not on at all

IamPeas · 20/08/2018 13:06

right thing

HerRoyalNotness · 20/08/2018 13:07

Throw him out!?

Yes! He’s an adult. He needs to feel the consequence of his actions, not run home to mummy to have his meals cooked and cleaned up after. If my MIL had told her son to get his own place instead of moving home when his wife split with him he might have grown up a lot more. As it is, in his 40s and he is still a manchild

BlancheM · 20/08/2018 13:17

I wouldn't throw him out because then his money will have to go towards renting out a place of his own rather than towards family bills and money he's still committed to.
I would just tell him you're not daft, nor are turning a blind eye, set the boundaries for your own home then leave him to it I'm afraid. He's an adult.

RabbitsAreTasty · 20/08/2018 13:18

Get DDIL on here. Send her a link to Mexican house thief or something for a laugh to get her hooked.

If he's having an affair then it is best for everyone if the marriage comes to a clear end as soon as possible. You inadvertently encouraging him to keep hiding the truth isn't helping anyone.

Surely the best thing you can do is to help him understand that he needs to make his choice and let everyone know asap. Anything else is cruel to both women and the people around them. As soon as he ends the marriage you can all get on with building your new normal.

I'd also be telling him that if he has had / is having an affair then he should be walking from the marriage and should tell his wife the truth.

In true mum style the lying and deceitful behaviour to avoid being told off should be the thing you crack down on hardest.

TheStoic · 20/08/2018 13:43

Find ‘the script’ on here and show him that when you speak with him tonight. You will probably both be able to identify which stage he is up to.

I wonder why his new girlfriend is not in a position to take him in? Perhaps she is also married.

LeftRightCentre · 20/08/2018 14:08

And people wonder why so many have no contact with their MIL.

drastard · 20/08/2018 14:41

@LeftRightCentre

drastard · 20/08/2018 14:42

Sorry, no idea what happened.

I meant to say that I have never heard of this 'no contact' thing in real life. It seems to be purely a MN phenomenon.

MrsSnootyPants2018 · 20/08/2018 14:50

I think you need to butt out! He's a grown man to live his life how he decides.

Just say you know what's going on and think he should tell DIL.

HarshingMyMellow · 20/08/2018 15:02

All the people saying 'it's not your business'

Would you, honestly, feel the same if it was your husband? And your MiL keeping it from you?

I would want to know. If it was MiL that told me, then so be it.
At least I wouldn't be taken for a mug any longer.

She's at home thinking he's going to come back, thinking he's signing up for couples counselling to attempt to help their marriage.
In reality, he's using his mums house as a base so that he can sleep around.

I would hope that anyone who discovered my partner doing the same would have the decency to tell me.

LanaorAna2 · 20/08/2018 15:06

Against the tide, this one - dig a bit and get proof. If DS won't, tell your DIL - no use prolonging the inevitable. She'll be horrified but he's lying to her and she needs to know her marriage is dead, especially as she's pitiably hoping the counselling might work.

DS lost the right to privacy on this one.

Don't kick him out - he might try and go back to his unfortunate wife who won't want him. But suggest the OW takes him in as you'll likely be getting bored of being used.

rainingcatsanddog · 20/08/2018 15:08

I think that you've had a hard time here.

With regards to receipts, my teens sometimes leave theirs out and I have a quick look to see if it's something important before throwing it away. I'm not being nosy if I notice that the receipt is 2 meals at McD or whatever.

I've been in your DIL shoes and it helps to know if your spouse has moved on and doesn't really want to try. It is cruel to keep her dangling. I think that it's perfectly reasonable to hope that your son can be honest with you (even when the subject is hard to discuss) by his age. My kids are teens and I expect them to do this now.

Returning home is dragging OP into the drama. I think she has a right to honesty (so she doesn't mislead her DIL and GC accidentally) If her son's lies are exposed again she will not want her DIL and GC to think she was being dishonest. She may also be very concerned about her DIL as her family might not be in her life and able to support her practically and emotionally.

Figgygal · 20/08/2018 15:14

That sounds like a good plan op
He's taking the piss and putting you in a really difficult position

user1471530109 · 20/08/2018 15:29

Gosh, I really feel for you Flowers

My xh had an affair. My MIL had passed away 12 months earlier (the affair started just before her death). I was v close to both her and FIL. We all loved together for years and I was round there all the time.
I thought we were close.

FIL moved his son and OW in! I had relocated nearby to where he lives after the divorce for a fresh start and also partly for any help he could give with dc. To say I was floored is an understatement.

But what can I do? Totally understand that it's his son. But it hurts so much (I've known them and been v close for over half my life and over 20 years). He has stopped sending bday cards and Xmas cards now.

OP, just don't do anything rash. And no matter what happens, remember your DIL and keep her in your life if you can. Now and in the future. Losing the in-laws was almost as hard as losing the dick head ex.

user1471530109 · 20/08/2018 15:33

Also, FIL refused to discuss any of what he thought with my xh. He said there was little point (probably not). This hurt a lot. And actually, exh had no one actually tell him what a twat he was being at the time. I really resent FIL not making that clear to him.
I deserved that, I think. I wasn't expecting him to disown his son or anything like that. But a 10min conversation of "wtf are you doing? You have 2 v young DC etc" would have meant so much to me.

Good luck, OP Flowers

SandyY2K · 20/08/2018 16:07

SandyY2K and how does that translate to 'anyone who disagrees with me must treat people badly?

I don't know what exactly you're referring to.

This thread and the responses just show how what different values we have as individuals.

It really doesnt matter what goes on in their marriage . What matters is him cheating on his wife.

If he wants to end the marriage...that's fine. What's not fine is stringing her along.

Just because DIL is not your blood relative doesnt mean it's okay to sit by and see her getting hurt and being made a fool of.

All this nonsense of maybe it's a toxic relationship...If it is..let him get out and stay out. No need for marriage counselling.

OP, it's clear you raised your son better than this. Far to many parents condone poor behaviour from their adult DC just because it's their child.

I will always support my DC...but I won't condone them cheating on their OH under my nose.

Melliegrantfirstlady · 20/08/2018 16:23

Do you ask him where he stayed last night? What does he say?