Pregnant and he's thrown me out

[Windmill1828]

Hi everyone - I'm turning to you lovely people to help me!

So it's a long story...

We met a few years ago, hit it off straight away. He was a gentleman, good job etc etc. Treated me like his best friend. We supported each other, we laughed like nothing before. It was just amazing. My family loved him and his did me.
He had a little boy and I have a little girl from previous marriages and they got on so well.
He began to stay over at mine more and more and before you knew it we were practically living together.
I saw him every night almost the whole time we were together and we had his little boy every other weekend.
We holidayed together and started to build a life together.
We decided to buy a house and move in together and that I would sell mine and put the equity in the bank for my little girl one day.
We chose a new house and it was being built.
On New Year's Eve he asked me to marry him! It was the most amazing time of our lives.
The house was supposed to be finished in Feb but kept getting delayed so we were living out of boxes which wasn't ideal but ok.
Then in March we found out I was pregnant! We were over the moon. But that turned into disaster when it turned out to be ectopic just before our engagement party.
He was by my side through the operation and was so sad afterwards. He was distraught!
We were told that to be on the safe side we would need to have ivf to bypass the use of my tubes but probably wouldn't have much trouble conceiving as we just had by ourselves albeit in the wrong place.
We left it three months and then decided to go to a clinic in London to discuss the details. The nurse said yep, we could go for it but as I was 36 and he was 38 to not waste any time.
We had a holiday planned in August but she said it would be fine to still go if we did get pregnant before as we would be over 12 weeks.
So we went home, discussed it and we both agreed to give it a shot!
Next thing you know we are booked in and ready to go. The drugs came and I started injections.
Now anyone who has had IVF will tell you it's not easy. All the travelling on its own was hard. The hormones. The weight gain. The tiredness. It was draining but so worth it that I didn't make a big fuss because I didn't want it to be a big thing if we needed to go through it again.
He even did the first injection with me and held my hand.
There were a few bumps along the way and at points thought we might have to cancel due to complications but to cut a long story short we got pregnant!!! I did about 500 tests!!!
You have to carry on taking hormones after the positive test and on top of the begins of pregnancy (morning sickness/ extreme tiredness etc) but we carried on.
Then my Nan who was so close to me died which was awful.
And then I started a new job as I was full time and we decided that I didn't need to do that anymore.
We moved into our new house when I was 6 weeks pregnant And were busy organising it for the first week.
Then we had our first scan. Another trip to London, all very scary to see if baby was in the right place. And it was! Lovely heathy heartbeat! We were made up. He even stopped on the way home to buy it a little outfit!

We picked his little boy up on the way home. I was so tired after such a draining day and 7 hours in the car that i asked if he could feed the kids while I had a little lie down, to which he said yes.
I went to sleep for about 10 mins and was woken up by the kids playing!
I was a bit miffed he could have kept them quiet but went downstairs and sat at the breakfast bar while the kids ate their dinner and I was sewing a blind.
He said to me that his little boy had done well in his school report to which i said "oh well done" and then thought oh crap where is my little girls report?!! And proceeded to ask her.
That was it.
He sent the kids across the road to the park and he said "I don't wanna make this into a big thing but why were you like that about the report?"
I was fed up anyway and said "what?!! What about it!?" And we blew up and has an argument about how I should've been more enthusiastic.
I just needed to get out of that house and that situation so I said I was going to go back to mine to continue to sort it out.
I was so upset that I decided to stay there and talk about it in the morning.
Well in the morning he was furious that I'd gone and taken My daughter. There was no talking to him.
He didn't have the best childhood in the world but certainly not the worst but he said that it triggered a memory of something that happened to him when he was a boy and he won't have his son feeling like that!!!
We spoke about it and sorted it that night. Had a nice evening together and took the kids out.
Then the next morning he said "I'm sorry but I still feel like I can't do this."
As you can imagine it went from bad to worse.
He spoke to his sister who obviously said he can't have that and then decided to block me on fb and told him to tell me and my daughter to leave. Which he did.
I had my first midwife appt that following day and by the time I came back to the house he had packed boxes.
He said some horrible things like:
He had doubts the week before he asked me to marry him
He wasn't in love with me
How could I treat his kid like that?
Very hurtful things

He then got a van and dumped all mine and my daughters things back at my sold (but not completed just yet) house.

So basically, I'm pregnant
I soon have no home or anywhere to live
I have a temp/ part time job
No money
And I little girl who has no idea what's happened.

So that was 4 weeks ago.
Since then not much has happened. He has sent the wedding venue an email to cancel it even though it was only booked a matter of weeks ago.
Most of my messages get ignored.
Until I sent a nice one to which he replied "he was broken"

This guy was all about family: he treated my little girl like his own. Me like a queen. There wasn't a day went by that he didn't tell me how lucky he felt and how much he loved us.
How can you go from all that to nothing over night? To creating a life to walk away from it.

All over this.!

I am obviously heartbroken. Lost. I feel like I've had my whole life ripped apart and now I have nothing.
I miss him so much but I know I shouldn't.

Any ideas?

Xxx

On their divorce papers she claimed he abandoned her but I'm not sure that's the whole truth but honestly, I don't know.

Sounds like there's some element of truth there as that's exactly what he's done to you!
No further advice as I think it's all been said but I really wish you the very very best with your pregnancy and with navigating your way through this. Good luck xxx

Guys like this have an issue with the imperfect because they don’t want to feel guilty or responsible or like they’ve done anything wrong! So they just wipe the slate clean and carry on like it never happened.

I had a boyfriend like this. I moved cities for him, sold up all my stuff, my car even, and he dropped me about 4 days later. It had all gone so well up to that point, too. Luckily it was when I was renting, childfree and worked in a field where it's easy to pick up another job, but I had to stay in a hotel until I got a place to live, etc. Come to find out, he had form for this, I wasn't the first. And the truth was that he was a cunt who liked to get women to do this for him and then cut them loose. He was ultimately a woman-hating twat (after he'd kicked me out, a friend of his told me how one time they'd been in a club, and my ex saw a woman he'd been seeing down below them and bet his mate a fiver that he could throw his beer onto her head and still take her home to shag her at the end of the night. And he did both! This was many years ago but ran into a former mutual friend and she laughed and laughed because he's now an old, bitter man. You are not the first he's done this to. He's a fuckwit.

@KN2212 ha - are you actually sure this isn't the same person? 😂

I dunno, it's too messed up to even comprehend.
My brain is too fried to even contemplate what on earth is going on in his tiny mind.

One thing is for sure... he is living in a fantasy. Things were perfect for a while and I think he did want to keep them that way. He did refer back to some minor everyday hiccups that we had months and months ago that I'd completely forgotten about.
If he is searching for perfection fairytale he will go round and round in circles because it doesn't actually exist.

It's a mind field and I think I'm in shock still because you're all right and I can't wait to be in that place where i despise him... I just hope it hurries up!! Xx

I’m so so sorry to hear you’re going through such a terrible situation. I identify with you and just wanted to say keep fighting!!
I’m in a similar awful situation and I’ve still got a long way to go but you’ll get through it. xx

I'd honestly block him and focus on your living situation and your pregnancy.

I'd carry on as if he no longer existed and never contact him again.

I'd definetly not have him on the birth cert or give DD his name. Double barrel with your surname and your maiden name.

Does your DD see her dad regularly? Hopefully she won't feel abandoned by this guy if she has a goid relationship with her dad.

He didn't want to marry you and that argument about the report was just an excuse to cancel the wedding. So sorry. You are better without him. He is quite nasty really.

Please, OP, if he ever tries to win you back, don't fall for it. He isn't a decent man. Also, don't give your baby his surname otherwise it's going to be a Kabbalah.

@Onecutefox it's so hard. All I want is for it all back but I do know that's all gone now. It will never be the same. Maybe it wasn't even ever there in the first place xx

How horrific for you. Do you think this was his sick plan all along? String you along, get you dependent on him and then drop you so he can be a Disney Dad all over again without all the hard work involved?

@yellowpaper I honestly don't think so I honestly think he wanted it ALL. But something has just clicked and he doesn't now want it.
I don't know if he genuinely thinks he's protecting his child from the ogre that I am and in his head he thinks/ feels it's right or that he just crumbled when real life kicked in.
Does seem strange this all happened the day of our first scan and baby was in the right place and doing good!
Maybe both. Who knows.
I'm definitely now quite there yet but I am getting a bit more used to the idea that it's over - as hard as that is. X

You can do it windmill, you have your wee girls to think about.
Why he’s deleted all pictures of you isn’t your problem. He will no doubt be creating a narrative around this situation that he is the victim. What a weasely little shit to kick his pregnant partner out and her young daughter. He doesn’t want to be “that” guy so he’ll be constructing some other bullshit in his own little world. You did nothing wrong. He sounds like he could have turned at anytime. I’m sorry to say this but it doesn’t sound like it was ever about you, you where a player in his fantasy and then he didn’t want to anymore. What a pathetic man child. Get angry woman, find your fire because that’s what you need right now. He did this, not you. You are doing so well.

He doesn’t want to be “that” guy so he’ll be constructing some other bullshit in his own little world. You did nothing wrong.

This is completely true. No one wants to believe they are the villain in their own tale.

It’s really hard but try and focus on practical things and stop trying to understand what is driving him or how to fix this because you cannot change his behaviour. Also in a month of Sunday’s no matter how you felt if you blew up like that at some point you would have thought “oh fuck” and tried to make it right. He hasn’t and is editing you out of his life - that’s a very clear message and suggests sustained and deliberate behaviour

I honestly don't think so I honestly think he wanted it ALL. But something has just clicked and he doesn't now want it.

But he never put your name on the deeds when buying the house. He held it out to you like a carrot, eventually he would put you on, but if he really wanted a shared and secure life with you, he would have just put you on straight away because it was your house too. He didn't though.

@trojanpony that's very true. I think it's slowly sinking in. I'm just waiting for this anger to kick in and then I can kick ass! Come on anger!!!! Where are you?! X

It will come

Do you think it's something to do with his ex wife? Either he is afraid of her or wants her back. It's like he got a bit of poison from her.
And you are right that even if you start afresh it's never going to be the same. Trust is gone. He may do the same thing again and again.
I am really sorry, OP. Please think about yourself and your girls. They want you to be happy. It's not an easy situation but everything is going to be alright. Please don't give your girl his surname even if he threatens you. It will be his reigns to control you later on.

He should at least let you stay until you are sorted with somewhere to live, you are pregnant with his bloody daughter

You are being so strong.
You are better off out of this, for someone to change so quickly is a huge red flag.

Ok you are in a tough position but you can do it. Can you first see if you can pull out of the sale, I know you have exchanged and you will have to pay their fees...

But then a change might be good & you are about to welcome a beautiful baby into the world.

I would not put his name on the birth cert and give the baby your family name (so what if it's the ex, it is your name). You might want to think about implications for child support if you leave him off the birth cert but do you want this fucker in your life. If you can go it alone do so.

You are better off without him as are your two daughters. Good luck & chin up.

What a bastard!!!!
So his ex cited abandonment and now he's abandoned you too. That says everything about him and not you.
I expect he'll move on fairly quickly and do it again to the next poor person.
I know it must be incredibly hard and daunting but you really are better off without him.
Good luck

“You might want to think about implications for child support if you leave him off the birth cert”

That’s a common misconception, but there are no implications. Fathers have a legal obligation to pay child maintenance whether or not they are named on the birth certificate. If they refuse paternity I believe they have to take a DNA test to prove they’re not the father.

@AnotherEmma well he will have a job wriggling out of this pregnancy, I have all the paperwork proving he's the dad as it's IVF - more than happy with a DNA test! 😊

@Onecutefox I think there's a element of being scared going on - scared to lose access to his son. 🙄
Which of course, would never happen in real life but in his head it's all he thinks about!!!

Thanks everyone x

Here for you if you need to offload. It will take time.

X

Is there any chance there is someone else ? It seems very convienient enginneering an argument and kicking you out