Pregnant and he's thrown me out

[Windmill1828]

Hi everyone - I'm turning to you lovely people to help me!

So it's a long story...

We met a few years ago, hit it off straight away. He was a gentleman, good job etc etc. Treated me like his best friend. We supported each other, we laughed like nothing before. It was just amazing. My family loved him and his did me.
He had a little boy and I have a little girl from previous marriages and they got on so well.
He began to stay over at mine more and more and before you knew it we were practically living together.
I saw him every night almost the whole time we were together and we had his little boy every other weekend.
We holidayed together and started to build a life together.
We decided to buy a house and move in together and that I would sell mine and put the equity in the bank for my little girl one day.
We chose a new house and it was being built.
On New Year's Eve he asked me to marry him! It was the most amazing time of our lives.
The house was supposed to be finished in Feb but kept getting delayed so we were living out of boxes which wasn't ideal but ok.
Then in March we found out I was pregnant! We were over the moon. But that turned into disaster when it turned out to be ectopic just before our engagement party.
He was by my side through the operation and was so sad afterwards. He was distraught!
We were told that to be on the safe side we would need to have ivf to bypass the use of my tubes but probably wouldn't have much trouble conceiving as we just had by ourselves albeit in the wrong place.
We left it three months and then decided to go to a clinic in London to discuss the details. The nurse said yep, we could go for it but as I was 36 and he was 38 to not waste any time.
We had a holiday planned in August but she said it would be fine to still go if we did get pregnant before as we would be over 12 weeks.
So we went home, discussed it and we both agreed to give it a shot!
Next thing you know we are booked in and ready to go. The drugs came and I started injections.
Now anyone who has had IVF will tell you it's not easy. All the travelling on its own was hard. The hormones. The weight gain. The tiredness. It was draining but so worth it that I didn't make a big fuss because I didn't want it to be a big thing if we needed to go through it again.
He even did the first injection with me and held my hand.
There were a few bumps along the way and at points thought we might have to cancel due to complications but to cut a long story short we got pregnant!!! I did about 500 tests!!!
You have to carry on taking hormones after the positive test and on top of the begins of pregnancy (morning sickness/ extreme tiredness etc) but we carried on.
Then my Nan who was so close to me died which was awful.
And then I started a new job as I was full time and we decided that I didn't need to do that anymore.
We moved into our new house when I was 6 weeks pregnant And were busy organising it for the first week.
Then we had our first scan. Another trip to London, all very scary to see if baby was in the right place. And it was! Lovely heathy heartbeat! We were made up. He even stopped on the way home to buy it a little outfit!

We picked his little boy up on the way home. I was so tired after such a draining day and 7 hours in the car that i asked if he could feed the kids while I had a little lie down, to which he said yes.
I went to sleep for about 10 mins and was woken up by the kids playing!
I was a bit miffed he could have kept them quiet but went downstairs and sat at the breakfast bar while the kids ate their dinner and I was sewing a blind.
He said to me that his little boy had done well in his school report to which i said "oh well done" and then thought oh crap where is my little girls report?!! And proceeded to ask her.
That was it.
He sent the kids across the road to the park and he said "I don't wanna make this into a big thing but why were you like that about the report?"
I was fed up anyway and said "what?!! What about it!?" And we blew up and has an argument about how I should've been more enthusiastic.
I just needed to get out of that house and that situation so I said I was going to go back to mine to continue to sort it out.
I was so upset that I decided to stay there and talk about it in the morning.
Well in the morning he was furious that I'd gone and taken My daughter. There was no talking to him.
He didn't have the best childhood in the world but certainly not the worst but he said that it triggered a memory of something that happened to him when he was a boy and he won't have his son feeling like that!!!
We spoke about it and sorted it that night. Had a nice evening together and took the kids out.
Then the next morning he said "I'm sorry but I still feel like I can't do this."
As you can imagine it went from bad to worse.
He spoke to his sister who obviously said he can't have that and then decided to block me on fb and told him to tell me and my daughter to leave. Which he did.
I had my first midwife appt that following day and by the time I came back to the house he had packed boxes.
He said some horrible things like:
He had doubts the week before he asked me to marry him
He wasn't in love with me
How could I treat his kid like that?
Very hurtful things

He then got a van and dumped all mine and my daughters things back at my sold (but not completed just yet) house.

So basically, I'm pregnant
I soon have no home or anywhere to live
I have a temp/ part time job
No money
And I little girl who has no idea what's happened.

So that was 4 weeks ago.
Since then not much has happened. He has sent the wedding venue an email to cancel it even though it was only booked a matter of weeks ago.
Most of my messages get ignored.
Until I sent a nice one to which he replied "he was broken"

This guy was all about family: he treated my little girl like his own. Me like a queen. There wasn't a day went by that he didn't tell me how lucky he felt and how much he loved us.
How can you go from all that to nothing over night? To creating a life to walk away from it.

All over this.!

I am obviously heartbroken. Lost. I feel like I've had my whole life ripped apart and now I have nothing.
I miss him so much but I know I shouldn't.

Any ideas?

Xxx

So sorry for you OP. Please keep us posted how you get on.

Oh god, I’m so sorry this happened to you.

I (25F) had a very similar situation happen (no children involved) 2 years ago so I can empathise.

I met a shiny perfect guy who was strong and charismatic with an international job and was totally magnetically besotted with me. Dream come true. He could not do enough for me. He was wonderful. Moved into his home, he proposed, we planned the wedding and had a big engagement party...etc.

He was very assertive and sociable and liked to plan/ control things. On the surface he was very good to me. He would never argue with me or have any open and honest discussion about anything he didn’t want to acknowledge as a problem though, everything had to be just so.

I was in love with how ‘in love’ with me he was and everyone through we were the perfect couple. One day about a year later, we argued over something and he snapped saying I wasn’t the girl he’d thought I was when we’d met and that was it. The bubble had burst, I’d fallen off his pedestal and it was over. Didn’t want to talk to me, emailed the venue cancelling wedding and told me it was my fault.

I’ve had time to think about it since and really remember the stuff I didn’t notice at the time as he was SOO good in other ways it masked the bad bits. When it’s so sudden and they won’t talk to you about it. It usually means the bubble has burst for them, through no fault of your own. Guys like this tend to fall in love very quickly with the idea of you or the image of the future they’ve created in their head but when it becomes real they freak out becatse You can never live up to the image they’ve created.

I don’t know if that’s relevant to you or helpful, but reading your post really reminded me of him and having the rug yanked out from under me.

Windmill I don’t know what to say except I’m so very sad and bewildered for you.
He’s like Jekyll and Hyde isn’t he and he has totally pulled the rug from under you.

As people say, you will get over this...I just wish you story had a happy ending

If you don’t want any more to do with him can you leave his name off the birth certificate

I say this as my friend is fighting through the courts to regain back her children her exp has somehow managed to wangle away from her.
She is distraught
This little children were her life

If he’s so unpredictable you might want to consider that

Oh this is absolutely awful, I’m so sorry this has all happened to you OP . He is an absolute twat of the highest order and it sounds as though he did the same thing to his ex wife too, what a wretched being he is.

It’s too late now obviously but in future I’m sure you won’t make the same mistakes again. Never move into a house whilst unmarried when you aren’t on the tenancy or mortgage, it is far too risky. I can see why you thought you could trust him though, no one enters into something like IVF without feeling completely committed to the other person. I just can’t fathom why he has put you through that to just ditch you coldly and callously once pregnant, it’s horrible.

I sincerely hope your mortgage is approved and you can move onto a better life without him. Definitely give your DD your surname and seek legal advice ASAP regarding PR.

She bitterly regrets putting his name on their birth certificate
It’s given him licence to manipulate her, hoodwink the judge with his money .... and still didn’t pay anything like his fair share for the maintenance of his children

Change to your maiden name, change DD by deed poll, DD2 call by your name. Do NOT put him on the BC.

I don't understand why you are asking if HE wants to be at the birth etc, it is NOT his call anymore. That's what my text etc would do -put you back in the driving seat. Tell him you are over it being over. Sounds horrid to say it -I know you are pregnant. But pull yourself together. You want him to react. You want him back. You are living in lala land -the perfect life you had is NO longer on the table. It never existed. He couldn't do it. You don't want an abusive man like this any where NEAR you or your daughter. Stop screwing yourself up with worrying about why or what he is doing or the future.

Take YOUR life back. Text like mine. Hold your head up high and go NC. Then change mobile, email etc and DON'T contact him. Concentrate on DD and show her that if someone treats you like shit -you don't beg for them back. You protect your children and create a new life.

OP if DD1’s Dad isn’t happy about her name being changed to your maiden name (which, assuming he’s a Dad to her he probably wouldn’t be happy about that) change your name to OP Maidenname, DD1 to DD1 Dad’sname Maidenname and call DD2 DD2 Maidenname. That’s if you’re not comfortable with DD2 having your current surname.

@KN2212 omg! Sounds like the same guy!!!!!
Glad you've made it through ok hun and thanks for sharing your story xx

It’s absolutely NOT his decision to be at the birth or not.
He lost that privilege when he ruined your life on a whim.

I'm sorry OP, this sounds awful.
As if you haven't been through enough.
But you sound strong and are doing a great job in getting things sorted for you and your DC.
I'd go NC for now and just ignore anything he has to say.
Are you close by to your family and friends?
I hope they are supporting you with all of this.

If there is a chain then failure to complete is likely be a financial disaster. Your solicitor will explain, but it will not mean just losing your deposit. It's not an easy thing to do without a chain, but with one it's virtually impossible (financially).

He sounds awful.

My godson has his Mum's ex husbands surname. She had retained her married name when she divorced and then her partner left her when she was pregnant so she gave her baby her name. It is your surname, not just your ex husbands so I wouldn't worry too much about using it for your baby.

As others have said he does not choose who is at the birth. You do. You tell the midwifes not to let him in should he appear he has no rights to that moment. It is yours. He can fight to get his name on the birth cert but it will cost him and again he probably won’t. I previously worked supporting victims of DV and the power puting these dickheads on the birth certificate gives them over YOUR life is crazy. Do. Not. Do. It!!!

I am so sorry you are going through this.

If you have exchanged contracts on your house then you can't easily back out without serious financial implications and loss of your deposit. Talk to your solicitor as much may depend on your buyer's position.

What a shit.

I agree it sounds too much too soon. How long did you know him before the children were introduced to this? How long did you know him before you moved in together? You have given up such a lot after knowing him for what appears to be a relatively short period of time, your job, independence and home. It sounds as if you both got carried away with romance, when the sensible thing especially with children involved would have been to take things slowly.
Regarding the house, you have exchanged and would have to pay the buyers thousands as compensation if you pulled out. Have you thought of asking for a 'delayed completion ? ' Explain the situation and ask for a couple more months at your house so it gives you more time. I hope it all turns out for the best and let us know how you get on.

Dos he actually even mention your dd’s report at all?

@C0untDucku1a
She didn't have hers at that point, hence me panicking, but no even in the days after when she did have it he didn't ask.

I normally would have made a big fuss of his son so maybe that's what it was. Maybe he thought I'd lost interest in him now baby was in the way.
But like many people said, it's not a valid enough excuse for all this. There must be something/one else

Windmill im completely on your side. He is a dick. I was just asking to see how much of a dick he actually is. The report is a smoke
Screen. It has nothing to do with that. He was looking for an excuse. If he brings it up again you could write that you congratulated his ds. He didnt even mention your dd’s report. This is all an excuse because he is weak.

Windmill what has your solicitor advised re the house situation? Are you able to back out?

In all honesty, he doesn't sound mentally stable, and like others said, maybe in time you ill realise that it wasn't all sunshine and flowers as you belied it was.

It sounds like you were always expected to make a huge fuss over his son and the one time you didn't he snapped, even though you were exhausted and didn't say anything mean, but only 'well done' which wasn't enough for him.

He is utter scum. Making you homeless whilst your carrying his child is the lowest of the low.
I agree with others who have said don't allow him into your child's life. I can't imagine what form of a relationship they could even have knowing he made her and her mother homeless over absolutely nothing won't be the basis of a great and loving relationship.

This man is utter scum. You're being far too nice about him, because this is one of the darkest things I've heard, and the timing of what he's done is awful.
It sounds as if he has an MO. Let's be honest here, if he really wanted to put your name on the deeds, why wait until your's is fully completed? Why not put your name on when that house was bought? It seems deliberate and he knew you would have no rights. It's really very dark.

Don't worry about what other people thing. Name your child whatever you want. Change yours and your daughters name back to your maiden one if you want, or give your baby the same surname you have now. Don't give this baby that you'll love his last name. He doesn't care about her and he doesn't care about you.

the latest is that he's now deleted ALL photos of ME off fb for the last 6months. All pics of me and his son and the engagement gone too.
I can only fathom that that's because he wants to almost prove to himself that he want happy.
Or he's cleaning his slate ready to move on.
He's kept pics of the kids on there but all pics of me gone.
Prior to Xmas all this pics are on there.

Maybe he wants to start dating or he’s meet someone already and he wants to make it look like he’s been single for the last 6 months and wants to hide the fact that he was engaged to you.

I wouldn’t be at all surprised if he lied to you and is lying to others.

For what it’s worth I don’t think he’s done that because of a new/ other person. I think he’s done it to erase being reminded of the mess he’s created (I posted before about how similar my ex was and you mentioned they sound the same).

Guys like this have an issue with the imperfect because they don’t want to feel guilty or responsible or like they’ve done anything wrong! So they just wipe the slate clean and carry on like it never happened.

He may move on quickly but doubt it’ll be anything serious. He’ll probably just want someone who thinks he’s a ‘good guy’ for being so ‘emotionally torn up’ about you and the baby. Which I’m sure he’ll convingly portray so that the new girl will feed his ego.

I might be wrong but that’s basically what my ex did post break up. Again I’m just so sorry this happened to you xx

😂 I heard through mutual sources that, despite totally dropping me like a hot rock, he was refusing to get ‘serious’ with his new girl because ‘he was still in love with me and didn’t think he’d ever be able to love like that again’

Bullshit 🙈😂 poor girl.

You’re better off without him trust me xx