Pregnant and he's thrown me out

[Windmill1828]

Hi everyone - I'm turning to you lovely people to help me!

So it's a long story...

We met a few years ago, hit it off straight away. He was a gentleman, good job etc etc. Treated me like his best friend. We supported each other, we laughed like nothing before. It was just amazing. My family loved him and his did me.
He had a little boy and I have a little girl from previous marriages and they got on so well.
He began to stay over at mine more and more and before you knew it we were practically living together.
I saw him every night almost the whole time we were together and we had his little boy every other weekend.
We holidayed together and started to build a life together.
We decided to buy a house and move in together and that I would sell mine and put the equity in the bank for my little girl one day.
We chose a new house and it was being built.
On New Year's Eve he asked me to marry him! It was the most amazing time of our lives.
The house was supposed to be finished in Feb but kept getting delayed so we were living out of boxes which wasn't ideal but ok.
Then in March we found out I was pregnant! We were over the moon. But that turned into disaster when it turned out to be ectopic just before our engagement party.
He was by my side through the operation and was so sad afterwards. He was distraught!
We were told that to be on the safe side we would need to have ivf to bypass the use of my tubes but probably wouldn't have much trouble conceiving as we just had by ourselves albeit in the wrong place.
We left it three months and then decided to go to a clinic in London to discuss the details. The nurse said yep, we could go for it but as I was 36 and he was 38 to not waste any time.
We had a holiday planned in August but she said it would be fine to still go if we did get pregnant before as we would be over 12 weeks.
So we went home, discussed it and we both agreed to give it a shot!
Next thing you know we are booked in and ready to go. The drugs came and I started injections.
Now anyone who has had IVF will tell you it's not easy. All the travelling on its own was hard. The hormones. The weight gain. The tiredness. It was draining but so worth it that I didn't make a big fuss because I didn't want it to be a big thing if we needed to go through it again.
He even did the first injection with me and held my hand.
There were a few bumps along the way and at points thought we might have to cancel due to complications but to cut a long story short we got pregnant!!! I did about 500 tests!!!
You have to carry on taking hormones after the positive test and on top of the begins of pregnancy (morning sickness/ extreme tiredness etc) but we carried on.
Then my Nan who was so close to me died which was awful.
And then I started a new job as I was full time and we decided that I didn't need to do that anymore.
We moved into our new house when I was 6 weeks pregnant And were busy organising it for the first week.
Then we had our first scan. Another trip to London, all very scary to see if baby was in the right place. And it was! Lovely heathy heartbeat! We were made up. He even stopped on the way home to buy it a little outfit!

We picked his little boy up on the way home. I was so tired after such a draining day and 7 hours in the car that i asked if he could feed the kids while I had a little lie down, to which he said yes.
I went to sleep for about 10 mins and was woken up by the kids playing!
I was a bit miffed he could have kept them quiet but went downstairs and sat at the breakfast bar while the kids ate their dinner and I was sewing a blind.
He said to me that his little boy had done well in his school report to which i said "oh well done" and then thought oh crap where is my little girls report?!! And proceeded to ask her.
That was it.
He sent the kids across the road to the park and he said "I don't wanna make this into a big thing but why were you like that about the report?"
I was fed up anyway and said "what?!! What about it!?" And we blew up and has an argument about how I should've been more enthusiastic.
I just needed to get out of that house and that situation so I said I was going to go back to mine to continue to sort it out.
I was so upset that I decided to stay there and talk about it in the morning.
Well in the morning he was furious that I'd gone and taken My daughter. There was no talking to him.
He didn't have the best childhood in the world but certainly not the worst but he said that it triggered a memory of something that happened to him when he was a boy and he won't have his son feeling like that!!!
We spoke about it and sorted it that night. Had a nice evening together and took the kids out.
Then the next morning he said "I'm sorry but I still feel like I can't do this."
As you can imagine it went from bad to worse.
He spoke to his sister who obviously said he can't have that and then decided to block me on fb and told him to tell me and my daughter to leave. Which he did.
I had my first midwife appt that following day and by the time I came back to the house he had packed boxes.
He said some horrible things like:
He had doubts the week before he asked me to marry him
He wasn't in love with me
How could I treat his kid like that?
Very hurtful things

He then got a van and dumped all mine and my daughters things back at my sold (but not completed just yet) house.

So basically, I'm pregnant
I soon have no home or anywhere to live
I have a temp/ part time job
No money
And I little girl who has no idea what's happened.

So that was 4 weeks ago.
Since then not much has happened. He has sent the wedding venue an email to cancel it even though it was only booked a matter of weeks ago.
Most of my messages get ignored.
Until I sent a nice one to which he replied "he was broken"

This guy was all about family: he treated my little girl like his own. Me like a queen. There wasn't a day went by that he didn't tell me how lucky he felt and how much he loved us.
How can you go from all that to nothing over night? To creating a life to walk away from it.

All over this.!

I am obviously heartbroken. Lost. I feel like I've had my whole life ripped apart and now I have nothing.
I miss him so much but I know I shouldn't.

Any ideas?

Xxx

He is not scared Windmill honestly I do not want to be harsh but do not give him excuses. He is a selfish selfish man who is thinking of no one but himself and whatever weird fantasy he is trying to fulfil. Do not give him credit for caring/worrying because if he did, wouldn’t he want to also protect and keep his unborn child and the mother of safe? He doesn’t. I know it hurts but their is NO Excuse for his behaviour it’s abhorrent. You and your girls deserve better.

Do you have the engagement ring? Id sell that and keep the money.

Oh, yes, the engagement ring. Sell it and he can fuck off if he asks for it. The ring is lost.

‘We decided to buy a house and move in together and that I would sell mine and put the equity in the bank for my little girl one day. ‘

Hold on a moment, there are three children involved here. Why does your child alone get to benefit from the equity in your house? What about the other two children?

All three children would have benefitted equally from the new house which was paid for by your XP, but your child alone is considered worthy of your equity.

Maybe this has alerted your Ex to the suspicion of favouritism, then the seemingly small issue of the school report has reinforced this idea.

I could be wrong, but I would feel a bit miffed about this if I was him.

@Cherryberrypie it was because it was very similar to the amount of money that he has already put away/ earned for his son. 😊 it was totally his suggestion as it was earned before we got together.

@Onecutefox when he brought all my stuff back the ring never quite made it!

@Blarblarblar it's slowly sinking in that This is the case 😞
In fact I've recently had a reminder look at all the messages he had sent days/weeks prior to the break up.
Not one warning sign there, "I'm so excited about everything - I'm the luckiest man on the planet"
"I can't wait to be a Dad again, I'm so excited"
"I'm so lucky to have found you and our wonderful family"

He even sent me to a link that must have popped up on his phone from a newspaper literally a few days for we split . - "Obama shares the three questions you need to ask before getting married"
And then he's written out "
Do you find her her interesting?" - YEP
"Does she make you laugh?" -YEP
"Is she a good mum?" - YEP

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED

Which totally blows his theory that I was awful to his son out of the window. Also you don't book a wedding and certainly don't actively pay and go through IVF to create a life with someone you consider no good to your children.

Been reading your story quietly and am just gobsmacked on your behalf. Who does that? As others have said, it says more about him than you and though that's not much consolation, try to cling on to the fact that this weirdness is on him. Poor you x

Just read through the feed.... it's always worse when it comes completely out of the blue try not to overthink or rationalise his behaviour he probably doesn't understand it himself it's just bizarre ..(although I completely understand it's challenging especially when hormones are ragging) ...it will get easier to see the real "him" soon and realise he may have actually done you a favour long term. Yes it's not the picture you created but you will soon have a more fabulous one without any contribution from him all built beautifully off your own back ( it will be amazing) . Remember to focus on a healthy and stress free pregnancy where possible you and your girls need to be your sole focus.

I have a feeling he will see this change in you he may start to have regrets and initiate a reconciliation however take heed of the smoke screen this may just be to paint the picture of your refusal to reconcile to put you in a bad light once again to allow him to warrant his tactical and appalling behaviour.

Good luck be strong x

Windmill it’s so shocking and hurtful my heart breaks for you but you will get through this. Even though it doesn’t feel it right now, you will look back with relief one day that you got away. What a horrible person he is who could be so unkind.
Do you have friends and family close to talk to?

@Blarblarblar @mummyclimbingframe @gingergenius
Thanks for all your support - honestly it does mean so much. When I'm having a wobble I just log on in here for a reminder. Xx

It's so bizarre after those messages he sent you.

Maybe he has some childhood trauma resurfacing and it's manifested in this ugly way.

It's so bizarre. There are hundreds of messages all totally living and happy leading up to the split.

He definitely has some serious issues.
You are far better off away from this man.
It's like he got cold feet and that was that.
And blame you!
Job done.
Very strange behaviour.

Strange indeed. Maybe he was trying to persuade himself. Who knows! Hard as it is though I think you’d be wise to avoid wasting mental energy trying to work him out.

He sent this Literally the day before he split!

There are hundreds just saying how happy he is, how in love with me he is, how he can't wait to get married and be the most amazing dad!

Bizarre! But you're right, I can't waste any more energy on him.

I'd rather use that strength to move on - as much as I can anyway! X

There is something not right with him. It is definitely not you. He sounds like a wrecker, someone who takes pleasure in ruining the lives of others, don’t let him ruin yours. You will have 2 dcs to take care of soon save your energy for them & not this destructive fool.

He's a total and utter shit op. Don't torture yourself by reading over his messages. I don't know if it's been mentioned here but he sounds like he lovebombed you.

Did you sort out housing op? Try and focus on the practicalities for now. I know you're heartbroken. I would be too. X

@Doingreat still just sat here waiting on the fate of my mortgage application! Hopefully should hear early next week!

I haven't actually looked at those messages for weeks, it was only because my friend asked what it was like in day to day life up to the break up and I showed her!
Literally hundreds of soppy messages all about the future. I can't put more up because there's names in etc.

It just validated that he was either a total lier and a massive con artist or he's just got massive cold feet and ditched us. Either way it screams that I wasn't bonkers and that this whole mean to his kid thing is ridiculous.
It's not the actions of a sane man!

I think you've had a lucky escape to be honest even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

Hi OP, I've been following your thread and I'm so sorry about what's happened to you.

I agree with PP about him lovebombing you and possibly being narcicisstic. Sending memes and messages like that so much doesn't really sound like a bloke who is in touch with reality? More like someone who really really loves being inlove. And the idea of this perfect woman and life. It sounds like you had a lot going on and then the minute you're on the home straight, just happiness ahead, no dramas left, he creates one.

What an absolute fuckwit he is, to totally swallow you up in his fantasy, run rough shod over your life and then spit you out. I think you've been incredibly unlucky to come across someone capable of this.

I know it's a really worrying time with your housing situation and you are concerned about your futire stability and losing your hard-won equity and place on the housing ladder. But I was just thinking abouy what I would do in your shoes. I dont know what you do or what your skills are, but have you thought about using your equity to invest in yourself and long term goals?

I know it's risky and not as secure as getting another mortgage but you've obviously been unhappy in your work. Is there something you would like to retrain in? Or something you're passionate about to start a business? You could get back on the housing ladder at a later date.

You seem like a strong person and youve obviously got yourself 'sorted' before. Maybe now is a good time to really go for something.

@DontCallMeDaisy hello! Yeah. I've been looking into the love bombing thing and there are definitely signs there although I don't think it's the whole reason!
I still think there must be something else what will come out in the wash!!

I have thought about that but unless I do get myself a mortgage all my equity will go on paying double on rent! There might well be something that i could do that means I do both!

If it wasn't for the fact that I will need some extra help I'd probably bugger off to some sunnier climbs away from all this!!!

Xx

Be very careful about co parenting with him. Has he used you to have another child? Does he really want any relationship at all? Is he gay? Could he be ensuring he has access to small children without the mother there for abusive reasons?

Don’t put him on the birth certificate and go no contact asap. Don’t include him in any way whatsoever. There is something significantly wrong with this individual and you have yet to identify what it is. Don’t expose your baby to such a person.

Those messages read to me like it’s all an act he’s staged for you.