Can I abstain until he gets the snip?

[extraketchup]

I've name changed but I'm a regular.

I can't tolerate hormonal contraception at all. I've tried:
Mirena - bled incessantly
Combined pill - aura migraines and I got pregnant on it.
Mini pill - incessant bleeding and severe headaches

Also tried natural cycles and yes it works but I can't relax. Condoms are a total killer.

Dh and I are 30 and 38 respectively with two kids. Definitely don't want anymore. It shouldn't just be up to me to provide the contraception and especially have to put up with awful side effects so I've asked him to get the snip. He won't. I'm so put off sex as I just cannot get pregnant. Aibu to say I'm not having it unless he does it? I know it sounds blackmailing but what else??

GP refused me a sterilisation.

Copper coil? I can't deal with hormones but find this works for me. Although when we're done I want dh to get the snip.

You can of course, he doesn't have to stay in a sexless relationship though.

Have you considered a diaghphram or cap?

I'm put off by the copper coil after the fp consultant said "you'll get a monthly car crash".

Why is it up to the OP to go on more birth control? Sounds like she’s tried her fair share over the years.

Why is he adamant against the snip? I’d personally discuss it with him and tell him you’re considering a sexless marriage because of the anxiety and stress this is causing you and see what he says about that. Also, every time my XH and I had unprotected intercourse when he was against the snip I’d spend the whole time going “Oooh lovely, what should we name the next one? I bet itll be a girl” etc etc until he got as superstitious as I was. Not the best solution but hey, you gotta do what you gotta do.

I understand how you feel..
I didn't want minera
mini pill made me so dizzy that I couldn't leave my bed
Didn't like having depo

I have the implant now.
I want DH to get the snip, he said he would but he's terrified. I'm giving him these 3 years to get brave!

I've got a regular (ish) cycle now of 24-27 days and I feel like me. Yes I get pmt as much as the next woman but I'm not a crazy cow all month long thanks to the pill. I don't want to take contraception!! Pisses me off it's up to the woman

The snip is permanent so I can understand his reluctance....

I'm not saying that this is what he is thinking but my ex said he wouldn't get the snip because he had to think of his future.

What if we broke up and his new gf wanted kids?

Admittedly he did say this whilst drunk and angry but y'know in vino veritas and all that - hence ex!

Condoms are a killer for both of you?

Do you get heavy painful periods already? The IUD does tend to make them a bit heavier and crampier, but whether this is an issue usually depends on how your periods are now. FTR I'm on my third IUD and love them, feel very secure in my non-fertility while we're waiting for DH's snip appointment.

Yes wilma we both hate them.

Queen I've been in charge of our fertility for 7 years. I want him to step up now.

Step up by taking permanent measures?
What if you do want another later down the line? What if the snip doesn’t work?

Condoms seem the best compromise - in fact if you want him in charge, he could opt for them even though he doesn’t like them!

I am assuming you have read up on potential long-term issues of vasectomy.

As with any surgery there are risks these include on going pain, risk of infection, further surgery required etc, someone I know nearly died after contracting sepsis after a vasectomy. Thankfully rare I know, but it can and does happen.

I demanded sterilisation for myself
If you say to Gp ‘well I would like my husband to have the snip..’ then they will refuse. I was so so sure about it

I know it isn’t what you want to hear
But you cannot force someone else into culling their fertility when they don’t want to, so your option is not to force him into the snip it is to be sterilised/find another contraception or refuse any more sex with him - which he doesn’t have to accept

I do Wholly agree with PP that this should not just be down to you.
But you equally cannot force someone to do something to their body they don’t want to
Perhaps this means that you are no longer very compatible if he will not consider this option to prevent a pregnancy. Ultimately it is a crap situation I hope you sort it out

Make him wear a conform!

Condom

Fair enough ketchup. I'm just responding to the family planning staffer's comment, which might be true for people who already have heavy periods but isn't universally so.

Absolutely you can.

I would just ask - how long did you give your Mirena? I've known the chaotic bleeding last a year followed by 4 blissful period free years - it can take that long to settle.

I had a copper IUD and went from 3 day periods to 14 days of heavy bleeding. But for some it genuinely is only a bit heavier.

I had copper coil for years and my periods got progressively heavier. I couldn't take hormones either. We talked about snip for about a year. He was very reluctant. He walked into the en suite whilst I was dealing with a monthly fallout. He was genuinely shocked. I had told him it was bad, he had not understood what that meant. He had snip 2 months later.
He has to see it from your side somehow

@Yogagirl123

Are those side effects at a comparable level of side effects from a woman's contraceptives?
Op has said that she'd been refused sterilisation and that can have complications but again are rare.
It's not fair and I can't believe the amount of posters on here backing him!
If threatening to abstain makes him realise you are serious then that may be the only way.

I think it is OK for you to take penetration off the table - you have been through loads of options for contraception and you have decided that abstention is your best choice for right now.

It is a shame that men's contraceptive options are limited to condoms, vasectomy or abstention, but that is reality.

A man doesn't actually have a right to unbarriered penetrative sex with no risk of pregnancy.

What is it that you don't like about condoms? Personally I prefer sex with a condom, and I sometimes wonder if some of other women's objections are sort of learnt from men - that they are "gross" or "don't feel as nice" or "spoil the mood". They always sound like things the man says to get out of wearing one, rather than something the woman actually experiences. If also found that a guy who isn't keen on them can certainly make putting one on into a big, mood killing drama. Whereas a guy who is happy to wear one can roll on one a the opportune moment with much less fuss.

Maybe I'm wrong, though. Possibly other women can feel the difference, and there is something inexplicably off putting about a condom.

We had three DCs and I decided to come off the Depo injection for a while as I was turning into a crazy woman. We had a little bit too much wine one night which resulted in number 4. I'd had enough after that of being responsible for contraception for the last 20 odd years and going through 4 pregnancies and breastfeeding and made it my DH's responsibility to be in charge of contraception. We'd already discussed the snip and I abstained until he'd got it done and got the all clear. I didn't want to put any more chemicals into my body and my DH isn't keen on condoms, so the snip seemed the only option. We seem to be getting more fertile as we age and another DC would be too much for our family.

My exh had the snip. His choice.

Until you actually go speak to someone, you don't realise it's not a simple procedure. Complications happen in about 10% of cases. Although doctors think its a lot higher, because men tend to not report small issues. Exh did this. He was still getting aches and pains years after having done. Never went to the doctor, even though he was explained that men should go, because then they will have a more accurate view of complications. Some of the complication can be minor, but lots are bigger concerns.

I don't think you can compare hormonal treatment to having a vasectomy.

And quite frankly if my Dp tried to get me to have a procedure by blackmailing me, I wouldn't be happy.

I genuinely don't know the answer is.

I use Evra patches, they're like nicotine patches and have suited me much better than the coil and the pill. I've been on them for about 2 years and had no issues

Elaine they contain oestrogen