Can I abstain until he gets the snip?

[extraketchup]

I've name changed but I'm a regular.

I can't tolerate hormonal contraception at all. I've tried:
Mirena - bled incessantly
Combined pill - aura migraines and I got pregnant on it.
Mini pill - incessant bleeding and severe headaches

Also tried natural cycles and yes it works but I can't relax. Condoms are a total killer.

Dh and I are 30 and 38 respectively with two kids. Definitely don't want anymore. It shouldn't just be up to me to provide the contraception and especially have to put up with awful side effects so I've asked him to get the snip. He won't. I'm so put off sex as I just cannot get pregnant. Aibu to say I'm not having it unless he does it? I know it sounds blackmailing but what else??

GP refused me a sterilisation.

I’m sort of surprised everyone is glossing over the whole “don’t like sex at all, would happily never have sex again” thing.

Given the risk factor this poses to your marriage in general, it’s probably not all that wise for your husband to permanently remove his fertility.

When i decided no more children and dp didnt get his arse into gear about getting the snip, i booked myself in to be sterilised. No regrets. Its not the sort of thing id pressure someone else into as its irreversible.

Condoms.

And find out why you don’t like sex.

I was also refused a sterilisation - by which I mean I raised the possibility while I was getting the implant. The doctor was very firm that I would strongly be advised not to, that I might change my mind, stories about women coming round from the anaesthetic and immediately bursting into tears because they regretted it instantly, etc.

I took that as "this is not an option for you" (and tbf, I was 30 years old with no kids, so might have found it tricky) but in fact, that wasn't me being told categorically it wasn't possible. That was one doctor giving her opinion. If I had been pusher and more motivated, I wouldn't have taken her casual no as the last word.

How far onto sterilisation have you looked? Because one practitioner saying no isn't the only option. I think it's like joining the Jewish faith - they turn you down to see how serious you are.

Yes, I certainly would. You can’t make him get it done, but you can decide what you want to do with your body (abstinence) if he doesn’t. That sounds perfectly fair to me. I have the copper coil (honestly, periods are horrific, I hemorrhage all over the place every month to the point that I worry about leaving the house, but neither of us wants an operation right now and that’s our mutual choice). But I wouldn’t have sex after our 2nd was born until it was in and my dh respected that as it was the only sure way I wouldn’t get pregnant.

If I didn't like sex then I wouldn't be blackmailing my husband to have a vasectomy, I'd be finding out why I didn't like sex and working out if my marriage had a future.

You can abstain from sex for whatever reason you like. It’s your body.

Anyone who tells you it’s ‘blackmail’ or ‘manipulation’ can fuck right off.

I was refused sterilisation by my GP but found out later that if I'd seen another doctor in the same practice it would have been no problem. In your position, I'd go back and ask again.

Otherwise condoms might convince him you're serious - withdraw consent for unprotected sex.

All of this 'witholding sex' is utter bullshit. It is a logical conclusion, to the consequences of sex, to not want to have sex. I agree that you cannot push him into a vasectomy, but he cannot push you into shouldering the burden either.
Go back to the GP and insist on sterilisation; make it clear, in graphic detail, the consequences hormonal contraception has on your body and the consequences of pregnancy and childbirth.
You should also point out that your marriage is at risk due to this issue.

Of course you have the right to abstain, just like he has the right to refuse a vasectomy and leave a sexless relationship for sex elsewhere. You can ask him to look into it, but you cannot force someone into unwanted sterilisation.

OP, the youngest woman I have anaesthetised for a sterilisation was 21. She had 5 children - one a year since she was 16, and every other method of BC had failed her. She got pregnant with a coil in, had condom failures, and a pill failure due to a vomiting bug.
I’ve anaesthetised dozens of women in their late 20’s/early 30’s for sterilisation. The only proviso was that they felt they had completed their families.
I think you should try seeing a different GP and being referred to a gynaecologist, or look into getting this done privately.
You cannot force your DH to become permanently sterile- or indeed go through any surgical procedure- without his full consent.

I think there is a bigger issue going on here really considering you have said you could happily never have sex again. I think you need to be honest about this before he has a medical procedure to remove his fertility.

I also really do not like the idea of using sex as a weapon to force someone into a medical procedure.

You shouldn’t have to have sex you don’t want, but equally it is okay for him to want a sex life with someone who enjoys it and isn’t just going through the motions.

This could become a bigger issue down the line and if you two break up, he may want to have children with someone else.

You could explore him having a FWB and take penetrative sex off the table altogether. Would you consider something like that?

I can't believe what I'm reading. Is sex a god given right? Of course it bloody isn't. When the consequences could be catastrophic, surely everyone, male and female, have the right to take sex completely off the table?

Is this how Victorian women ended up with ten kids? Because regardless of everything else, husbands need sex the same way women need food?

Buuuuullshit. I enjoyed sex the same as most people in my younger day but 20 years in with DP I prefer a jigsaw. Luckily we're on much the same page.

Married couples with kids will not die if they don't get a jump. Is this what we teach our kids?

'Well yes, unwanted pregnancy can be a bit of an inconvenience, but satisfying your partner is the main thing.'

I don't want any more kids. If I never have sex again, so bloody be it. My body, my decisions.

You could have a sterelisation privately

Jesus this is pathetic. Learn to use condoms! It's the only contraception that suits you both so deal with it.

No he shouldn't have to have painful permanent surgery if he wants to have sex with his wife again.

Get a grip.

Jesus this is pathetic. Learn to use condoms! It's the only contraception that suits you both so deal with it.

Someone needs more Sex Ed.

I abstained for the same reasons as you, DP had the snip about 10 weeks ago now and was fine pretty much immediately afterwards.

He went to see the GP who booked it in for the following Friday. I took him to the surgery, left him have the op (which has left no scars at all, two tiny puncture holes were all I could see) and picked him up 2 and a half hours later. He was a bit woozy from the meds and had to wear tight pants for a week but apart from that he was feeling fine and back to normal within 48 hours at the most.

I don't blame you for wanting him to do something now, I felt the same and I was also refused sterlisation. Him getting it done seemed the perfect option lol.

I'm so shocked at the responses on this bored.

Why should you live in pain taking medication and increasing your chances of cancer and mental health issues as a result because he finds a condom a mood killer?

Fuck that. You're only having sex for him in the first place! Tell him no condom no entry. And mean it. If he doesn't like them he will get the snip. He doesn't have a right to unprotected sex. He doesn't have a right to sex at all.

Morris, obviously sex isn't important to you as it is to others. Presumably OP's partner wants a loving fulfilling relationship. What's wrong with wanting that?

Just so you know all relevant facts: The gp cannot refuse you a sterilisation! You get a referral to a gynaecologist and they discuss pros and cons but every female can be sterilised on the nhs.
Of course you can refuse sex but you have to be aware that might break up your marriage. Just as it could if he refused sex with you unless you chose a particular contraception. It is controlling. Can you maybe combine natural with condoms and spermicide? Or not do it for a while to show him the seriousness of his choice not to have the snip. He does have bodily autonomy though and in end he might not want to. It's not an easy place to be in, you have my heartfelt sympathy.

OP please be careful with natural cycles. There was an article in one of the big papers last week (I think) about the huge number of failures - they interviewed the makers who based it off their own cycle and experiences; but it tends to become less accurate for people for some reason.

It does sound like pregnancy would be a nightmare for you. I don't think you can force him to have irreversible surgery if he doesn't want that; but you're well within your rights to insist on condoms and to continue fighting for sterilisation if that's what you want.

Does he know that you don't enjoy sex? If he does; I'm surprised that he wants it at all. Although if you stop sex entirely; there is a chance that your marriage will fail as a result - it's very important to some people - you need to look into why you don't enjoy it and whether you want to keep putting yourself through this.

In principle yes he should do his bit and not expect sex otherwise.

However... the combined pill is not one thing, there are 30+ types, with different hormone types, levels, combination, you need to try a few before giving up on it.

The diaphragm would also suit you.

Condoms are under rated. They become normal once you get used to them.

Or could you / he pay for you to be sterilised privately?

Blackmail? Blackmail my arse.

If anything, HE'S the controlling one.

You have the right to not take contraception. You have the right to refuse sex.

Your husband has the right to refuse to have a vasectomy. He has the right to refuse to stay in a sexless marriage.

Stalemate.

It's your choice, but I think the result of you refusing sex is more likely that your marriage will fail than that your husband will decide to have surgery that he doesn't want. And in all fairness, you need to be honest with him and tell him that you don't want sex with him anyway before he makes such a life changing choice.

What about the depo injection?
I suffer terrible migraines and the pill gave me horrendous migraines..😖..the M coil...I just bled none stop!
So I decided to go with the depo injection...I've never had a period nor have a gained weight with it either.
I agree with other people it should not be down to you!...but maybe give it try
Good luck 👍