Can I abstain until he gets the snip?

[extraketchup]

I've name changed but I'm a regular.

I can't tolerate hormonal contraception at all. I've tried:
Mirena - bled incessantly
Combined pill - aura migraines and I got pregnant on it.
Mini pill - incessant bleeding and severe headaches

Also tried natural cycles and yes it works but I can't relax. Condoms are a total killer.

Dh and I are 30 and 38 respectively with two kids. Definitely don't want anymore. It shouldn't just be up to me to provide the contraception and especially have to put up with awful side effects so I've asked him to get the snip. He won't. I'm so put off sex as I just cannot get pregnant. Aibu to say I'm not having it unless he does it? I know it sounds blackmailing but what else??

GP refused me a sterilisation.

Some of the attitudes here of “I’ve asked him to get the snip” are disgusting. I’d never give someone “3 months to get brave”for a permanent life changing procedure. If this was men saying they’re trying to coerce women into being sterilised there’d be murder

Poorpuppers what's wrong with asking someone? I agree with your point, but I don't think asking someone to do something is an issue.

Why don’t you like condoms? Unless you have an allergy surely it shouldn’t effect your experience? It’s the man that feels it.

It is the serious consequences, ie tose which require further surgery to correct or which cause pain for a significant time (talking months/years, some incurable)that is the 19%. If you included less serious things, such as infections or problems resolved in 1-2 months, the figure would be much higher.

And yes, I'm afraid however you dress it up 'no sex unless you surgically remove your fertility' is a very unpleasant threat.

Nit least because there is no taking turns in this. Neither of you has had a turn at surgery (and it is available for both of you in the private sector, so lack of NHS referral is not a barrier, though you might need to save up for it in the private).

You can both take turns at reversible contraception, but as OP has decided that the only reversible contraception that her DH could be responsible for is not an option, it is she who is ruling out taking turns., at the only part of this where turns can be taken.

No-one should ever be coerced, pressured into threatened surgery. If a reasonable discussion does not produce the outcome you want (and disinclination to take the risk of serious complication is a good reason, as is not being ready to be permanently sterile; and 'I just don't want to' is just as valid, though infuriating

Because it is his body his choice

And that's a damned important principle.

Op I think he could at least look into it and then make an informed decision. My husband wouldn't get the snip (also cont tolerate other methods and dislike condoms) and then we had a bit of an incident that had me running to get the morning after pill. He then had booked himself in for the procedure within 48 hours. No complications etc. 10 percent may have minor complications but major complications (such as sepsis) are much rarer and I bet compare to most types if surgeries/procedures. I cant believe someone has said abstaining would be blackmail! Hope you find a resolution soon, it is a difficult one.

the complications of vasectomy can be awful. 20% of people will suffer long term chronic scrotal pain. For some this pain is absolutely debilitating. there used to be a poster on here who spoke about his pain and sexual dysfunction issues caused by vasectomy. He had to give up work in the end he was that incapacitated by it.

I'm not saying at all that this will happen to the OP's DH, but he could be that 1 in 5 who does suffer complications.
Its not a risk free procedure, so to demand he take the step if that isn't what he wants is unreasonable. Not wanting to have sex again is also not unreasonable. Its a difficult situation really.

Saying "I don't want to have sex that risks pregnancy until we can get contraception that we're both happy with sorted" isn't threatening or coercing someone.

oh x-post scavola

I have to say I think you need to look at condoms - what exactly is it you hate, there are many different types look into it

what is he suggesting though - you are getting a hard time for insisting he does something to himself but equally he must be wanting you to do the same.

It's entirely reasonable to not have sex with him until you're sure it won't end in pregnancy.

What are his objections to a vasectomy?
What's wrong with condoms?

You can't insist he has a vasectomy, that's ridiculous. Witholding sex would be manipulative.

It sounds like condoms are the only option. I can't tolerate hormonal contraception and refuse to have a coil, so we've used them for 12 years now with no problems. And it's less messy!

The copper coil is an excellent form of contraception and is hormone free. Yes it makes periods longer and often heavier but for most women that is not a problem. If it is a problem then it can be easily removed and you are back to normal.
I may have missed what the problem with condoms is but used scrupulously with natural FP methods you can hugely reduce your risk of conceiving with no serious side effects at all.
You can't have evra or coc for medical reasons. It is a shame that the mirena didn't work well for you as it is usually very well tolerated and by 6 months most women are hardly bleeding at all .
Even if your OH wants a vasectomy it has to be counselled for, booked, carried out and then there is a wait of a good few months before he is infertile so an interim method would seem sensible.
When vasectomy was carried out locally through the FP service there was quite rigorous counselling off both partners and discussion of all options on the table before recommending someone for vasectomy.

I suggest you try different types of condoms as there are many types and he might find one that suits him better.
Do you hate condoms because he hates them iyswim?

YANBU to take penetrative sex off the table until you are happy with the contraception method, at all

you are getting a hard time for insisting he does something to himself but equally he must be wanting you to do the same.

There's a massive difference between a permanent procedure that carries high risk of complication and and a temporary contraception.

I get the ops point, I also get her ohs point of view. It's not an easy one solve.

Same convo in our house.
I've just had a terrible time on a replacement mirena - it was actually falling out due to heavy blood loss.

In the 25 years I've been with DH I've had three babies, one still birth, two terminations. I've had a copper coil, 2 x mirena, mini pill, 10 years of the combined pill (on which I got pregnant). We've used condoms and natural family planning whilst breast feeding (welcome DC2!)

I've been poked, prodded, scanned, stitched and operated on all as a by-product if being a fertile woman. I can not do it anymore. DH needs the snip if he wants to have sex!

Only if you wouldn'd mind him doing the same if you don't get sterilized.

I'd be happy to not have sex again ever but that's a different story! I find sex boring, always have always will and no before someone says, I'm not asexual.

But veering off topic.

I'm not having sex with him until I know conclusively I will not get pregnant. I have asked the GP for a sterilisation but got refused.

I've been in charge of our fertility for 7 years. No, you have been in charge of YOUR fertility for 7 yrs.

You can't insist he has a vasectomy, that's ridiculous. Witholding sex would be manipulative.

Imagine if the tables were turned

Honestly OP I don't think you can compare ANY contraception you have tried to a medical procedure such as a vasectomy.

I asked DH if he would consider it, he was absolutely against it, and not because he may want more children but because he doesn't want to have it done. I respected that decision.

Hahaha Totally the wrong thread!!

I would tackle the fact that I didn't want sex anymore, before wanting him to have the snip.

My exh made the decision to have the snip, I didn't ask. But when we split he found it very difficult to deal with. He met someone else who he really loved and she wanted kids of her own. Caused them lots of heart ache.

All very well saying that vasectomy carries risk, but so does pregnancy and the use of hormonal contraceptives. It's not fair that her dh shoulders none of the responsibility while still having sex. Why should all the horrid side effects of coils and implants and pills be hers to deal with?
Sometimes none of the options are nice but someone has to just put up with it if they want to carry on having sex - serms to me she's done her bit. His chance of complications is small - she knows for certain that the options available to her have hortid side effects.

I think you’re being controlling, manipulative and emotionally blackmailing him.

If he want to withhold sex for a different reason, eg you just don’t want sex, fine. But it withhold because he won’t permanentlg remove his fertility for you is disgusting.

If this was a man forcing you to have a hysterectomy or get sterilised or would not have sex with you again, there’d be uproar on this thread.

I suggest you download an app that tracks your ovulation and have sex only outside of that. And suck it up and use a condom.

As a woman, of course I understand the hardship of having to manage contraception, but that’s just unfortunate that there’s not really much else designed for men!

The insistence is coming from you. Yet if you and DH break up, you’d have the option to have children with another partner whereas DH wouldn’t.

I’m on your husband’s side here.

I feel like I’m being completely old school by suggesting this but what about the diaphragm OP?

Do they still offer that in family planning clinics? I used to use one many moons ago and was a reliable barrier method.