Can I abstain until he gets the snip?

[extraketchup]

I've name changed but I'm a regular.

I can't tolerate hormonal contraception at all. I've tried:
Mirena - bled incessantly
Combined pill - aura migraines and I got pregnant on it.
Mini pill - incessant bleeding and severe headaches

Also tried natural cycles and yes it works but I can't relax. Condoms are a total killer.

Dh and I are 30 and 38 respectively with two kids. Definitely don't want anymore. It shouldn't just be up to me to provide the contraception and especially have to put up with awful side effects so I've asked him to get the snip. He won't. I'm so put off sex as I just cannot get pregnant. Aibu to say I'm not having it unless he does it? I know it sounds blackmailing but what else??

GP refused me a sterilisation.

Since you mention having a coil, I take it you are female - do you mean that you can tell from the sensation in your vagina whether your partner's penis has a condom? That is remarkable. But also quite useful - I imagine then that you can also tell if the condom has broken (since the sensation suddenly and vastly improves) so you can immediately stop the sex. That would be handy.

Yes it feels completely different. More so with my current bf.We did use latex free ones, which helped the itching and burning but still got thrush just not as bad.

I honestly have no idea what this means. I'm guessing you mean you can't orgasm unless your partner has ejaculated inside you, but this is only a wild guess.

I always orgasm first. But i dont feel finished without that, yes.

Its not a problem for me. Im happy with the copper coil. I was just listing some eexamples of how some women genuinely dont like them as for some reason pp couldnt seem to comprehend a woman not liking condoms.

So the general view is that sex is necessary for a marriage? Wow.

then things like condoms breaking and partners secretly removing a condom halfway through wouldn't be a problem - the woman would immediately be able to tell the difference.

But surely a tear of a size that could be imperceptible to any human sensation or even sight could cause a pregnancy otherwise wouldn't men always be able to feel when a condom had torn?

Theardwolves

I can feel the difference on the tip, because it basically smooths out the head of the penis. So i cant feel the ridges on the head if he has a condom on. And i can feel the band at the base of it.

If he were really going for it i might not notice at first because youre focussing on a different sensation but id definitely feel it during slower more sensual or your average paced kind of sex.

They do say it is a sexual union. I think it is unreasonable to say you cannot have sex with me and cannot have sex with anyone else either. He agreed to never have sex with anyone else again on the understanding he would have it with you.

I think what is necessary in a marriage is communication and general agreement on the nature and frequency of sex in a marriage. If both partners are fine with not having it, that works. If both want it, at similar levels, that works too.

Issues arise with differences in type, frequency and lack of honest communication on both topics.

I am in similar position. My dh is 51. He has a child from previous. And then we have three together. All very young. I am struggling physically and mentally as have anxiety and I get absolutely no respite, no me time whatsoever. Dh won't have the snip, but hormonal contraceptives make me worse anxiety wise. Copper coil is last resort as already have extremely heavy periods. It puts me off sex as I am quite literally terrified of getting pregnant again. We use condoms. I do feel dh should step up and get the snip. It's not likely he'll want more at his age even if we split!

Are you asking if it's alright not to have sex?

Of course it is, if you don't want it.

OP, sex is only not necessary for a marriage if both parties are absolutely fine with that outcome.

If there's a large disconnect between the libidos of a married couple (in either direction), it can be a major problem and the end of many marriages. You don't have to look very far on these boards to realise that.

I can never understand the problem with condoms - we used them very successfully for many years. No loss of sensation - and no cold wet puddle!!!

If he is not willing to use condoms or get snipped, then he cannot expect you to risk a pregnancy - therefore no penetrative sex - simple! It is not blackmail - it is logic. There are other jolly things you could do!

Honestly - he is being just plain silly. My OH said he would not have the snip, but a few months later came to his senses and had it. The two years later I had to have a hysterectomy - belt and braces!

I think it is unreasonable to say you cannot have sex with me and cannot have sex with anyone else either.

OP has gone and is going to lengths not to do so, and has offered a solution on the basis of which she'll continue to do so (for his sake, not her own sake). OP's husband has refused this on the grounds of his own comfort and doesn't seem to have proposed any alternatives to preserve hers. She agreed to have a 'sexual union' with him on the understanding that he would do something along the lines of love, honour and comfort her, forsaking all others. I'd say she's doing a better job of upholding her marriage vows than him on this front.

It is silly of your OH to be happy for you to go through a lifetime of painful periods, flooding, migraines and stuff just because he is too much of a coward to have a few days of discomfort.

So the general view is that sex is necessary for a marriage? Wow.

Don’t let the minority get you down, OP.

Most people, men AND women, believe that sex has to be enthusiastically wanted by both parties.

So the general view is that sex is necessary for a marriage? Wow.

For most marriages yes.

You don't have to have sex if you don't want. You can not impose celibacy on others though.

Your choice might to not have sex. His choice might be to end the marriage.

I get it. I didn't want sex and could have happily gone without. Looking back, it 2as a sign my marriage was done.

The Male pill was shown to have too many side effects for the men and ended up being unprofitable and pharma companies kind of abandoned any launch.

It was shown to have side effects basically comparable to what women suffer.

It was then deemed that men couldn’t possibly be asked to take those risks (tough luck women, those same risks are fine for you) and the studies were halted.
Men will not put up with a risk level equivalent to that of female hormonal contraception. Quell surprise

You are not unreasonable to want a solution to this OP. You cannot force him to have a vasectomy, and you cannot dictate he stays if you don’t have sex, but you have a right to take sex off the table for any reason. No means no. Of course he may decide he can’t live with that and if he does then that’s his right as well.

There really need to be far more safe long acting contraceptive options for both sexes.

extraketchup have you seriously looked into trying to get yourself sterilized? So this one rejection from your doctor and you've decided its not possible. Have you spoken to other health care providers? What did your GP say exactly, was it just his personal opinion?

Re Male pill I know the side effects are the same but the pharma companies just abandoned it as not viable as men unlikely to accept them

GP will refuse sterilisation for women - they often do. I had to be very forthright to get mine but I was determined

I do agree not wanting sex is a bigger issue. Also seems unfair to demand he makes himself infertile when you don’t like sex anyway

If I was in a relationship with a man who i knew didn't want to have sex (even if he had good reason) and he wanted me to be sterilized there is no way I would do it.

Well I did Op and with a positive outcome so it can work

Good luck

pigeondujour

OP has not gone to great lengths or offered a solution. She wants to use contraception but does not want to use any contraception herself so has told him to self mutilate. That is not an acceptable solution for him.

They should try to work out something acceptable to both but it is reasonable for him to expect sex without having to undergo the operation.

'so has told him to self mutilate.'

Blimey Op

I didn't realise you'd asked him to sterilise a 2mm needle and spray on some lignocaine on the kitchen table

winebottle what would the compromise be? "Compromise" if condoms and vasectomy are off the table is not compromise at all, it's all the risk and all the side effects on the woman's head. Condoms split or slip off sometimes, so it's still the woman risking the unwanted pregnancy.

You call vasectomy self mutilation, have you any fucking idea about birth injuries and cesarean section operations, the massive impact hormonal contraception can have on women and how much more invasive female sterilisation is than male?

OP has not gone to great lengths or offered a solution. She wants to use contraception but does not want to use any contraception herself so has told him to self mutilate.

She's the one providing the contraception now (and Natural Cycles by BBT is great lengths), and always has, to her own detriment (self mutilation if you will), in their marriage. Try again.

OP - ignore all the haters. Through honest adult discussions with my husband we came to the conclusion that the snip was the easiest option. He cared about my body, my health and he understood that another pregnancy could kill me.

Re using condoms; I really don't like them. I'm not sure if we're doing sex wrong but I feel like once it's on it kind of commits you to just doing penetrative sex just from there. Which isn't what I/we always want to do iyswim? I know that condoms can supposedly be used for oral but for me that's not pleasant. So it feels like right it's on so I'm going in and that's that! On a more serious note I feel this discussion shows a massive gap in contraceptive options. I too have had awful experiences on hormonal contraception. So I feel your frustration. I often wonder if the side effects of male pill would be deemed too severe if they were just the same level as female pill.

I was recently watching GP's behind closed doors and a man wanted a vasectomy. The GP said the rules for referring patients had now changed and they now had to have the women try all the options first. I really feel this unfairly impacts on women. Also what if the man was single and going to use condoms but didn't want children so wanted a back up? Women are the ones who get pregnant so they could choose a termination on accidental pregnancy men obviously can't force that. (nor should they be able to)

Sorry op I've got on a bit of a rant.. I think it is perfectly reasonable to only consent on your terms.