Can I abstain until he gets the snip?

[extraketchup]

I've name changed but I'm a regular.

I can't tolerate hormonal contraception at all. I've tried:
Mirena - bled incessantly
Combined pill - aura migraines and I got pregnant on it.
Mini pill - incessant bleeding and severe headaches

Also tried natural cycles and yes it works but I can't relax. Condoms are a total killer.

Dh and I are 30 and 38 respectively with two kids. Definitely don't want anymore. It shouldn't just be up to me to provide the contraception and especially have to put up with awful side effects so I've asked him to get the snip. He won't. I'm so put off sex as I just cannot get pregnant. Aibu to say I'm not having it unless he does it? I know it sounds blackmailing but what else??

GP refused me a sterilisation.

There can be complications from vasectomy, as with any surgery. But when I see women rushing to point them out I always think ' but what about the life changing effects of pregnancy?'. I've been left with long term pain from my first c section, which was 12 years ago so I don't imagine it's going away any time soon. But because I'm a woman, that's just how life is. When anyone suggests that perhaps a man do something that might possibly have side effects, there is outrage. I hardly know a single woman who has gone through pregnancy and childbirth without having some sort of long term effects.

I do accept that it's a personal decision, and no one can force someone to have a vasectomy. But the fear of side effects doesn't seem like a very good reason to me.

Actually given your comment about not liking sex I think you should use condoms to protect against sexually transmitted infections.

Women sterilisation is more invasive, and has a lot more potential side effects (as everything does for women but hey ho).

It's easier for the man to be sterilised, and it can be reversed.

*There can be complications from vasectomy, as with any surgery. But when I see women rushing to point them out I always think ' but what about the life changing effects of pregnancy?'. I've been left with long term pain from my first c section, which was 12 years ago so I don't imagine it's going away any time soon. But because I'm a woman, that's just how life is. When anyone suggests that perhaps a man do something that might possibly have side effects, there is outrage. I hardly know a single woman who has gone through pregnancy and childbirth without having some sort of long term effects.

I do accept that it's a personal decision, and no one can force someone to have a vasectomy. But the fear of side effects doesn't seem like a very good reason to me.*

This is what I've been saying. The OP suffered badly with birth and afterwards, but it's all par for the course.

Women, for so long in society have had to just bear it, just put up with the pain and hormonal changes that it's just become the norm and we should put up and shut up, but also be super considerate of any potential suffering of men.

It's crazy, but I hope and believe change is coming and a lot of women coming into maturity now don't believe they should just take everything put upon them.

I think a few posters have missed the OP saying that she doesn't like sex, that for me could mean that the relationship is on potentially rocky ground anyway so making the DH undergo a life changing procedure on the off chance that his wife will have sex with him is a bit

Sterilisation for you is the obvious answer. As above, you should not simply be refused this. I'm not aware of the costs but if you can afford school fees for two, can you not afford to do it privately?
It is very different thing permanently removing your fertility, after your experiences and your body's reactions, after two children compared with your husband who has 30 years potential fertility left.

Extraketchup I was in the same position as you after 3 csections, one of which involved complications which nearly killed me. When I was in recovery after the 3rd the consultant told DH and I that we would be putting my life in real danger if I became pregnant again.

I'd been on the pill 20 years aside from TTC (mini pill while breastfeeding) and it had been fine until the last two years when I'd had constant break through bleeding, mood swings, headaches and other side effects. My gynecologist advised against hormonal contraception and for specific reasons said I'd need a coper coil inserted under local anesthesia.

I just felt enough was enough. I couldn't relax using condoms because they can split etc. The risk of pregnancy was no longer worth taking. I had been the one taking all the risks and all the pain and discomfort and inconvenience for our sex life. I wasn't willing to do so yet again. Why the fuck does the woman have to take the risks and suffer the pain and side effects every single time. Really, the risks are high and no man would put up with the side effects some of us get on hormonal contraception, or the risks of an unwanted high risk pregnancy if it were his body. DH got the snip.

I am shocked that many woman should think they are entitled to demand that their partner alter their infertility definitely. No one has such a right on anyone.

I've met a couple of man who had a vasectomy at the request of the wife who didn't want to use contraception any longer and both marriage ended. Both met someone new, realised that it was a blessing they were not married any longer, but devastated that they were not able to have children with their new partner and would have done anything to turn back the time.

No man should be pressured to do something unless it is something they want to do for themselves, not to please the wife, so that they are allowed to have sex.

As already stated, the options are that you try something else, or you agree to condoms. I agree that if you take the approach of no sex if no snip, he might take the no sex with you option and go and seek it elsewhere.

Condoms have to be the compromise, not ideal, but better than anything else.

swing but men are entitled to sex while their wives risk unwanted pregnancy? A pregnancy is more dangerous and life changing than a vasectomy.

On the contrary

It's helped our relationship no end.

Maybe I'm wrong, though. Possibly other women can feel the difference, and there is something inexplicably off putting about a condom.

I dont like them. Its not inexplicable. i get sore and itchy from them and often end up with thrush, even the thinnest ones take away sensation inside. I like to be able to finish naturally too. Its not the same if icant feel that. And they also stink. I hate the smell, and i just smell funny to myself then.

I got a copper coil anyway. Theyre hormone free and stay in up to ten years.

The doctor cant refuse you sterilisation. So i think if youre sure you should go back.

Omen have to put up with childbirth and it's risks if they want to have DC as it is the only way.

Those who don't want DC make contraceptive choices, which could be taking turns at reversible or one person volunteering to have an operation (which carries real risks whoever has it done) to end their fertility.

'His body his choice' is important.

OP does not say she is opposed to being sterilised herself, and it is available privately, so lack of NHS provision is irrelevant. Saving up for that is likely to be less detrimental to the family budget than another child.

But condoms seem to be the obvious choice here (plus abstinence even with a condom in most fertile window)

Actually given your comment about not liking sex I think you should use condoms to protect against sexually transmitted infections.

Oh wow. How awfully presumptuous.

"but men are entitled to sex while their wives risk unwanted pregnancy?"

No. No-one is entitled to sex. Consent, and choosing what happens to your body - including refusing surgery on it - is a principle that is very important (hard campaigned for in some aspects).

You don't have to have sex and you're not being mean by withholding it. I was in a similar situation with my DH. I had tried literally everything and in the finish I told him to wear a condom because I kept becoming unwell. Eventually he agreed that having more kids would have such a negative impact on our existing children and he didn't want to risk it and booked in to have the snip. It was done within 3 months. He's 27. Now he's got no problems and enjoys sex a lot more because we don't have to fear pregnancy.
Good luck OP.

P.S His "snip" wasn't a little procedure and he definitely suffered during it. He had an allergic reaction to the anaesthetic. He's perfectly fine now though

swing but men are entitled to sex while their wives risk unwanted pregnancy?
No, no one is ENTITLED to anything. Men have no right to make demands on women's body and no woman should either.

Personally, I think that if it gets to withholding sex to pressure the other do make a life changing decision about the other's body, rather than talking about it and coming up with a solution that both can live with, I think the relationship is on it's way out one way or the other anyway as the only thing that will grow is resentment.

OP gives the impression the relationship seems on somewhat shaky ground. And he must be able to sense that she has no sexual desire for him and hasn't for a while (by her own admission). Maybe he's worried he'll reluctantly get sterilized only to find himself in a sexless marriage or divorced at 40? Yes his pettiness over condom use doesn't paint him a good light, but perhaps there other things going on other than him just being a selfish git.

My Dp was in and out in 22 mins

Just a little local anaesthetic

I agree Scott, any wise men would take this as a warning and realise that getting the snip just to please their partner or the only mean to have sex again is the last thing they should consider doing.

@Anon90

i get sore and itchy from them and often end up with thrush

Sounds like you have a latex sensitivity. I do too - so I always use latex-free condoms. I know this isn't relevant to you now as you're happy with your coil, but anyone else reading who has the same symptoms might want to know that.

even the thinnest ones take away sensation inside

Since you mention having a coil, I take it you are female - do you mean that you can tell from the sensation in your vagina whether your partner's penis has a condom? That is remarkable. But also quite useful - I imagine then that you can also tell if the condom has broken (since the sensation suddenly and vastly improves) so you can immediately stop the sex. That would be handy.

I like to be able to finish naturally too. Its not the same if icant feel that

I honestly have no idea what this means. I'm guessing you mean you can't orgasm unless your partner has ejaculated inside you, but this is only a wild guess.

And they also stink. I hate the smell, and i just smell funny to myself then

Latex condoms can smell a bit weird (even more so if they have been 'flavoured' - yuk). Again, switch to latex-free condoms.

So you've asked him to get the snip and he doesn't want to and your looking at a way or making him. if I'm honest in his 30 s I don't blame him. And yes of course you can refuse to have sex, you should not want/make someone do something they don't want to, but he doesn't have to stay in a relationship where you withhold sex from him. It would make me more reluctant to get the snip as if this is the way you deal with things, he may move on sooner than you think.
That's not to say I think you should take things that you don't wanting either , (before everyone jumps in getting all over excited ) I think a compromise would be a condom, it's not intrusive or permanent and doesn't make anyone feel ill. And if you both don't like that and you can't compromise ..... I think you may have bigger issues.

sensation in your vagina whether your partner's penis has a condom? That is remarkable.

I can, too - is it unusual?

This boils down to autonomy. Nobody can make someone have sex or surgery that they don't want; and no one should try.

Personal autonomy regarding operations is as important as consent for sex. You can try to persuade but it is his choice.

If you genuinely feel you have exhausted all other options for contraception (are condoms worse than no sex at all?) and you still feel you don't want to risk sex then don't but don't use it as a strategy to manipulate him into mutilating himself.

In what way is your husband willing to compromise if he won't have the snip? Throw it back to him, because at the moment, as well as everything you've put yourself through in the past, you're doing the daily work involved in Natural Cycles (which sounds an absolute pain in the arse from what I've read) in order to have sex you don't want for his sake. He needs to take a turn at proposing a compromise, negotiating it so it works for you both, and committing to it. And make it very clear that him having sex with someone else isn't a compromise option, and that you won't be taking any of the blame for him doing anything stupid or for anything that causes the marriage to end.

@AnchorDownDeepBreath

I can, too - is it unusual?

Yes.

The thing is, it's hard to know without a controlled experiment whether you actually can tell, or whether (since you know when you partner is using a condom) you simply perceive it differently.

Because if women could reliably feel a difference between condom and non-condom sex, then things like condoms breaking and partners secretly removing a condom halfway through wouldn't be a problem - the woman would immediately be able to tell the difference. Which leads me to think that either a) you are very unusual in this ability or b) you perceive sex with a condom as "feeling different" but that is more of a psychological thing than a physical one.