Can I abstain until he gets the snip?

[extraketchup]

I've name changed but I'm a regular.

I can't tolerate hormonal contraception at all. I've tried:
Mirena - bled incessantly
Combined pill - aura migraines and I got pregnant on it.
Mini pill - incessant bleeding and severe headaches

Also tried natural cycles and yes it works but I can't relax. Condoms are a total killer.

Dh and I are 30 and 38 respectively with two kids. Definitely don't want anymore. It shouldn't just be up to me to provide the contraception and especially have to put up with awful side effects so I've asked him to get the snip. He won't. I'm so put off sex as I just cannot get pregnant. Aibu to say I'm not having it unless he does it? I know it sounds blackmailing but what else??

GP refused me a sterilisation.

I'm genuinely very intrigued by the number of women on forums who get pregnant whilst on the pill or other contraceptives, some even 4 times, when in my whole adult life, so 30 years, living in three different countries, meeting many women, not once did one told me she got pregnant whilst on the contraception.

If my DH (and father of my DC) didn't want the snip because he wasn't sure if he might want more children with someone else, he would quickly be my exDH
Or maybe it's more a case that OP's OH is sensing that OP has no interest in sex with him and is thinking that it won't be long until she ditches him anyway, and he better preserves himself if it happened to have another family with a woman who does look forward to having sex with him?

Why dont you enjoy sex with him OP? Does he do things for your pleasure in the bedroom.

The OP said she is "so put off sex" because of the risk of pregnancy. It's hard to enjoy sex when the anxiety of an unwanted pregnancy is there.

It's also hard when you've been bleeding out for vag for months on end and it's a bloody clean up job after each round.

OP hasn't confirmed that the above is the reason but not sure if I've missed a post where OP says she doesn't enjoy sex? I have rtft but I didn't re read it just now so maybe I did miss that.

It’s a really shit situation women sadly have had to accept. I agree 100% with the PP who pointed out the fact suffering is ingrained in women’s psyche. We have periods from a young age then we maybe go through pregnancy and labour. Possibly also terminations and miscarriages. On top of all of that misery, there’s contraception to contend with.

Men don’t have to consider any of that, they either put a piece of latex on their dick or they don’t. They really do have it biologically easy and I wish they would create a hormonal contraception for men to deal with. I know they tried with the Male pill but it was pulled because the men testing it couldn’t handle the symptoms , women just have to suck it up. It’s similar with people pointing out the possible side effects from a vastecomy tbh. It’s got nothing on pregnancy, Labour and the aftermath so 🤷🏻‍♀️.

I agree that condoms are mood killers so I understand why you don’t like them. I wouldn’t trust natural cycles, it’s too easy to get that one wrong imo. If you enjoy sex, you shouldn’t have to lose that purely because of contraception. I would be going back to the GP to ask for sterilisation again.

not sure if I've missed a post where OP says she doesn't enjoy sex?

On page 2 of this discussion (going by my browser):

I'd be happy to not have sex again ever but that's a different story! I find sex boring, always have always will and no before someone says, I'm not asexual.

And Pinkvoid the men in the pill trials didn't chicken out, the doctors running it cancelled it when they decided the risks were too great. But when I read up on it the female pill has similar risks. Don't know if the female pill being approved all those years ago is due to sexism or standards being looser back then.

So over this thread!!!!!!

Summary:

everything is a no but the snip.

OP doesn't really like sex anyways so probably no need for husband to have it.

Yes user it does seem a tad odd.

Reminds me of when I once heard a female acquaintance say that one of her greatest regrets was that she hadn't managed to get her exH to have a vasectomy before she left him.

He was expecting a child with his new GF after she dumped him for another guy and she was, for some reason, livid about that.

Condoms- problem solved

I’m in a similar position.

I have tried the mirena, the injections and about 8 to 10 different pills. I just bleed constantly on all of them.

Dh was talking of a vasectomy but we read up and I don’t think he will be doing it because because the side effects could be life changing. (At least I could come off the pill, if the vasectomy caused pain then that is irreversible)

Anyway I asked to get surgery myself and the consultant said that they don’t do it anymore unless during a c section and just recommended the mirena now, and I’m not doing that again.

So I’m going around in circles!

I don’t mind condoms but I don’t trust them.

So to answer your question (finally) I don’t think you should coerce anyone into having surgery. No.

ive got the copper coil it's not that bad. but under those circumstances i'd cheerfully abstain as he should certainly do his bit!

What does your dh suggest op?

She already told us that he suggested the withdrawal method

3luckystars my dr didn’t say anything about only doing it with a c section and it doesn’t say anything about that on the nhs website I would ask again.

Ok thank you.

I asked the consultant when I bumped her in the corridor, she asked about the baby and was it the last one, so it was a fairly informal chat. I will ask again and explain that I have tried everything else now.

My friend had her surgery done during a c section, she said that it’s not 100% either and can also bring on menopause symptoms 2 years after the procedure but I would not mind that because I am over 40 now, but you are a lot younger.

I agree, it’s hard because the non hormonal options available are very final aren’t they.

I was sterilised earlier this year
Apart from a blown up tummy from air, slightly gunky stitches it was a breeze. You would never know I had it now... hasn’t affected me negatively

And no one told me anything about early menopause!

I don’t think it causes menopause but can cause ‘menopause like symptoms’ about 2 years after the operation.
I might be completely wrong now, that is just what I was told and everyone is different.

That’s great to hear, so the operation was fairly straightforward and easy? I am definitely going to follow up and find out more about it. Thank you.

Simple sterilisation cannot bring on early menopause. Obviously removing the ovaries will.

The Esure method of female fertilisation is apparently rife with side effect reports. Of course, the biggest drawback to female sterilisation is that it's less effective than male sterilisation and if you become pregnant you need to get scanned asap because your risk of ectopic pregnancy is great. My SIL was sterilised and it was far from just a bloated tummy and stitches. She found it very painful from the air and also got an infection.

Please do NOT go for essure.

It’s the next vaginal mesh scandal. I cannot stress this enough. Do. Not. Go. There.

I was sterilised for 5 years and in that time had no issues whatsoever it was the standard cut a section out tir off and burn ends not clips or essure. I do have pcos but it didn’t worsen any symptoms or anything. Would have been the perfect non hormonal option had it actually been my decision

Everything has a side effect one way or the other!

I am absolutely unable to tolerate any form of hormonal contraception and sterilisation really was an absolute last resort for me (I had womb ablation at the same time... which did not work)

I have clips

My friend did this, he got the snip after three months of no sex. Sorry haven't read the full thread, also my DP volunteered to have it. He hated condoms and knew I'd done my fair share.

I feel for you, OP. I was on pill (both types) for 10 years but thankfully condoms work for both of us.
Shame that your GP refused sterilisation. Must be a particularly unhelpful one, or it is a bad provision in your area. 1 in 4 women in UK is sterilised, according to the UK statistics, it is usually seen as completing your family and a good option for many. But I read a book a while ago when childfree women wanted sterilisation and were routinely refused.

Maybe try private, if you can afford it?
Male sterilisation sometimes don't work, a man might still have some sperm count and there were a few children born this way.

Good luck, hope you'll find a good solution. But keep talking to your man, maybe he'll change his opinion.