Can I abstain until he gets the snip?

[extraketchup]

I've name changed but I'm a regular.

I can't tolerate hormonal contraception at all. I've tried:
Mirena - bled incessantly
Combined pill - aura migraines and I got pregnant on it.
Mini pill - incessant bleeding and severe headaches

Also tried natural cycles and yes it works but I can't relax. Condoms are a total killer.

Dh and I are 30 and 38 respectively with two kids. Definitely don't want anymore. It shouldn't just be up to me to provide the contraception and especially have to put up with awful side effects so I've asked him to get the snip. He won't. I'm so put off sex as I just cannot get pregnant. Aibu to say I'm not having it unless he does it? I know it sounds blackmailing but what else??

GP refused me a sterilisation.

He sounds like a lazy, selfish twat. You have had to take full responsibility for all control since the start of your relationship and he has not even had to lift a finger.

Give him an ultimatum - he gets the snip or you leave him.

Token as per my op, I use natural cycles which is an app which highlights ovulation using bbt. It's not relaxing by any means.

I never liked condoms either, until I decided no more hormones for me. Now I have to as no way I want to get pregnant again, but also I do not want a sterilisation. They aren't that bad anymore (was years ago I used them), they are super thin and don't smell as rubbery as they used to. I would rather insist on condoms than abstain.

@IWannaSeeHowItEnds I completely agree.

Vasectomy carries a risk but so do hormonal contraceptives (heart attacks, stroke, blood clots, MH issues) and pregnancy is even worse!

Pudding for him it's more the whole "stop whilst I put on my jacket" mood killer.

If you don't enjoy sex, then is there a way for you to stay with your husband, but take sex off the table?

It seems mad to go through all this effort with contraception for sex you don't even want to be having.

Would you consider staying in your marriage, but allowing your husband to have a FWB arrangement with someone else?

I told DH that we wouldn't be DTD again until one of us had been sterilised. I had been on hormonal contraception for 18 years and had gone through 3 pregnancies and 5 years of breastfeeding. I'd done my part and DH was happy to step up. His vasectomy was booked quickly and he said it was mildly uncomfortable for half a day. That was a year ago. Happy shagging since we had his sample cleared.

It's just so unfair that society has told us that it's always down to women to put up with BC.

So women just have to suffer the effects of the pill or implants/coils and men can say no to a small bit of pain as a one off, and this is accepted without question, even by women.

It's time women stood their ground. You've suffered enough, get him to put up this time if he wants to enjoy his sex life.

I can't get over he hates the mood kill of putting on a condom, so thinks you should suffer with the consequences of BC on your body. And this is just fine for men.

it's more the whole "stop whilst I put on my jacket" mood killer

Christ, what is he, a teenager??

Is this is truly the only reason you guys "can't" use condoms? Because the momentary pause in action while you roll it on totally ruins sex for him? So he pouts and makes stupid remarks about "it feels like taking a shower with my clothes on"?

No wonder you're sick of catering to this guys need for sex to be completely without inconvenience for him.

OP it takes seconds - I think you have every right to insist to using condoms as a form of protection as to be honest if its a mood killer for him he needs to get over it - those 5 secs are nothing in comparison to what you have put yourself through

And then if he wants to stop using them as a mood killer he can make the decision himself

I don’t think it’s right to back him into a corner if he doesn’t want the snip. Talk about it, help him to understand that it’s the right choice (if you truly believe it’s the best way forward as a couple) but don’t threaten to take sex away if he doesn’t do it.

I’m totally on your side about hormonal contraception though. I spent almost a year on the combined pill and the mood swings were unbearable. I would cry most days, usually on the way home from work or after my partner was asleep because I irrationally wanted to keep it a secret. When I came off it, my doctor (and my boyfriend, now husband) recommended that I stay away from hormonal methods. We went back to condoms, since as I’ve not had children the coil isn’t recommended.

Condoms are a problem if you make them a problem. I’ve never understood how 10 seconds to put one on kills the mood. It feels different, but not worse, in my opinion. My husband says that it’s marginally better without, but not enough that it’s significantly worse with.

I'm a man and hate condoms. Have 2 kids, don't want anymore but what if I got rich and could afford a nanny and a massive house. I'd have 10 kids.

I have been wrestling with the idea of the snip for ages. I would but; what if, ego, actually going through with it.
So we found one brand of condoms that are expensive but are more comfortable than any others. Tried a couple of boxes and orders a load now. They are called skyn. I don't mind them nor the missus. Still would prefer not but if it's the snip or these ATM I'm choosing the snip.

3 months is nothing, I'm on a year over the decision and not yet ready

Meant choosing the condom not the snip

"Why should all the horrid side effects of coils and implants and pills be hers to deal with?"

Basic biology.

If there were male hormonal contraceptives and he was refusing to take his turn, then that would be unreasonable.

As things stand, he can take his turn with reversible contraception (condoms) but OP will not have that. So yes, that leaves female methods or abstinence only (abstinence from PIV sex, that is, other forms of satisfying sexual contact are available)

If one partner in a sexual relationship decides no more sex, then they should not be coerced, cajoled or pressurised into it.

But that is quite a major change to the nature of the relationship, and only OP can decide what the marriage would be like if it came to pass.

I think a battle over contraception is often proxy for deeper issues. Because differences over when/whether/who has surgery are not like this for couples who communicate well. OP has now said she's disinclined to have sex with him at all, so perhaps one important angle is to establish why - is there's fixable physical cause, or are there other issues in the relationship? It might be better to sort those - if indeed there are any - rather than get stuck in insoluble deadlock over contraception.

I remember about 20 years ago going with my then boyfriend to the fpc and asking if there was a male pill anywhere near ready. There is no scientific reason this is impossible, there just isn't the will. I'm also sick of being in charge of contraception. I'm aware there is potential for abuse but equally it would stop all the 'woman trapped man by magically becoming pregnant' if men could manage the situation as well.
We are similar to OP except I'm not pushing for vasectomy because I'm not 100% sure we are done with babies. And I'm very much not bored with sex at the moment.
I think condoms might be the answer for you, op. I don't trust them, too many condom failure babies, but it depends how upset you would be if they 'failed' (in my case, not very! - breastfeeding sorts out all my hormone problems).

Love if it failed i would be devastated.

Financially we're ok in that we own our home, no mortgage. But we also pay two sets of school fees. We couldn't afford a third set and so a third child wouldn't get the same or we'd have to take the others out of their school which they adore. I don't want my children's lives to be affected because I fell pregnant.

Physically, I had a third degree tear with dd1 requiring three following surgeries including prolapse repair. Dd2 I had an elective section and started getting awful aura migraines from the pregnancy hormones. My body can't cope.

Mentally, following dd2's birth I developed panic attacks and severe anxiety. 4.5years on, I'm better, but will always be anxious about everything.

So yes, falling pregnant would be a disaster.

We were in the same position a while ago - I even started a thread about it and got very similar answers. Not only had my GP refused sterilisation on the NHS, DH also refused to take the time off to look after the children after a BUPA sterilisation. Been through every other method of contraception. He would have been happy with a fifth child, I think. I would not.
In the end he did have a vasectomy, he sorted it out himself, he walked there and back (i would have taken him but it was Saturday am and I was doing kids taxi) and was back at work on Monday. Things are fine now.

The Male pill was shown to have too many side effects for the men and ended up being unprofitable and pharma companies kind of abandoned any launch.

I am surprised that you were refused sterilisation - maybe you should go back and push for it, laying it on thick about how dangerous a pregnancy would be for you, both physically and emotionally.

This won't solve your problems with your husband - and you will still be "allowed" to not want sex with him. But it will protect you from another pregnancy (something your husband seems unwilling to do) and it will allow you to focus on the actual issues in your marriage.

He's young to get the snip. If the Dr won't sterilize you why would they give him a vasectomy

The Male pill was shown to have too many side effects for the men and ended up being unprofitable and pharma companies kind of abandoned any launch.

Probably, women are just programmed to take it. We have too many side effects from contraception, but since we already have to suffer anyway with our periods and pregnancy, we just suffer it because that's what we've always had to do.

No penetrative sex sounds like your only option, OP. And the fairest one, given the circumstances.

Needyourlovingtouch he's 8 years older than me. I think he'd be more likely allowed than me.

Physically, I had a third degree tear with dd1 requiring three following surgeries including prolapse repair. Dd2 I had an elective section and started getting awful aura migraines from the pregnancy hormones. My body can't cope.

Reading this, and then to think men are so against anything that had a small chance of hurting them.

It's amazing the difference of what women withstand and men just don't have to.

I agree with you Op and more or less did the same.

Tried just about everything over the years.

A termination at his request

3 miscarriages later in life.

Was sick of being messed around

Contraception is down to both of you.

Equally

You've done your stint