Issues with boyfriend daughter

[Williams1971]

My bf’s daughter has issues with me. She’s 11. Her mum died 5 years ago they were not together and now she shares her time between him and her mums mum. I have tried to be nice to her and never have I wanted to take over the mums roll I have 4 children of my own. Sometimes she will be nice to me normally when she wants something , but most of the time she screams shouts and tantrums when I turn up at the house. She has growled at me, pushed me , told the dog to attack me and hid my stuff. The dog attack and hidden stuff you denies. I get very anxious when she is about cause I don’t know when she will flip. She has done this in the past in front of people too. When ever I answer any question she always says I’m wrong even down to what day it is ! I think she needs some kind of councilling as I’m sure this behaviour is not right. She talks to her dad like she owns him and in a horrible tone as well sometimes. When we are talking she interrupts. I’m at my wits end how to cope with this. He wants to move in but I don’t want to feel uncomfortable in my house around her. Any advise please?

Sorry, no advice, but I'm sending moral support. My DD is 11 & she is vile at the moment. If I could afford boarding school, she'd be going. She's had me in tears at least 3 times in the last week. Must be hard when the child isn't even yours.

It's often said on here, but it's true.

You have a Dp problem. She may need counselling and perhaps your Dp and her need it together.

However, he is allowing this all to happen. He should not be letting her behave like she is and talking to him like she owns him.

My advice would be to tell him how you feel. Without saying that she is the problem. If he cant/won't do anything about it then I think the relationship can't move forward.

Sounds like she's really struggling with her mother's death. Has she had any counselling as I think at age 11 she definitely will benefit otherwise these issues may get bigger. Try not to take it personally. She probably sees you with your children and feels sad that she hasn't got her mom there. Such a massive bereavement for a little girl

Thanks. It is hard as I’ve always what ever issues I have with my children taught them to respect others and no I can take them anywhere and they will be polite. I know she’s lost her mum but this does not excuse this bullying behaviour towards me. Ive got to the stage where I’m not even trying to talk with her. But she sits and stares at me and makes me feel uncomfortable

If she only sees her dad half the week maybe she shouldn't have to share him just yet? Can't you just see him when he is alone?

And him moving in? I cannot see how that would work in a million years.

I don’t allow my children around her much cause of her behaviour towards me as it would upset her. I have spoke with my boyfriend about this and he does witness it most of the time and tells her off but she don’t seem to be learning from this. Sometimes she blocks me in rooms. Ive now taken to just pushing past her. But I don’t like doing that cause she is only a child

You can't let him move in unless this dd's problem is solved. It'll only get worse and will start to affect your own DC.

She sees her dad one week all but Wednesday. The following week mon for a few hours. Wednesday and Thursday. On the second week I only pop up on a Thursday for a few hours

She might feel jealous that you are taking her daddy away, him moving in may well make the situations worse. Would it be worth having a family meeting with d.p and her to sit down and talk quietly about her behaviour, do you have a relationship with her nan, would she get involved at all. . I would be expecting my partner to sort this out, ask her why she gets so angry and upset, she may benefit from grief councelling but if she's just playing up he needs to tell her this has to stop. Does she have any issues at school,

I keep telling him she needs help he says if she don’t improve then he will. But I think he’s to ashamed to ask. Her nan has no issues at all she’s like an angel with her. And talks nicely and polite

Does she live with nana, where does she live at the weekends.

He has asked her why she does these things. She says she don’t know. But also denies some of the stuff. I have said he needs to video her and show the nan. Even just how she talks to him sometimes. Just don’t know if he is head burying

No she’s lives between the 2 houses. On a weekly kinda basis

Maybe she needs a lot of security and stability in her life, would it be better if she lived with either nana or her dad permanently. I wouldn't be having him move In until this has been sorted out, no one will be happy and it's not fair on your own children.

Yeah I thought the whole two houses things might be messing her up but then my kids go between me and their dads house. I just don’t know how else to handle her as she will start secondary school September and I think it could get worse

I’m in to star signs too and she’s a Gemini which is always split personality I’ve found anyway. But should make her bully me though

In what world does your boyfriend live that he thinks it would be a good idea to move into your house when his daughter's so disturbed?

And you'd have to be absolutely crazy to consider it, too! It's the very last thing you and your children need to cope with.

DD2 didn't have the bereavement issues to contend with but she was still an utter witch all through Y6. Starting secondary actually saw her grow up a lot and settle down. We still get flashes of the witchy persona but generally much nicer to live with. I would imagine the poor lass is worried about a new school, worried about gaining 4 step siblings (rightly or wrongly) and dealing with having no mum to lean on. Possibly nan allows a lot of treats or attention and therefore gets the good girl? On another note, I lost my own mum at 15 - my dad had remarried within 2 years and none of it was discussed. Looking back I desperately wish some professional help had been forthcoming, for all our sakes.

What I can make out nan is very strict where Dad is not and now is starting to show authority because of her behaviour but as yet it’s not working and not sure it’s too late. Apparently she has counselling at school but I’m so pushing for him to take her to Camhs. There’s a mental health lady that works at my work I might go see her and see what she says then if she says she needs help he may listen. Prime example of him not being the adult he said she wouldn’t go though. I said she has no choice she’s 11 and you are the parent. My daughter suffers from panic attacks recently first thing I did was refer to Camhs she now has cbt and totally changed he sees this but for some reason won’t take his daughter that clearly is suffering with something.

Obviously a lot is going on. But your star sign stuff is just setting her up for a fall. You need to set aside preconceptions of people based on star signs and look for the good in everyone.

Sounds like you need to keep prodding him in the right direction, which I'm sure is tough with 4 if your own but it's SO important - well done with your efforts so far. Yes at 11 she should still do as she's told; don't let him leave it to drag on, she needs him to step up. Good luck op

Yes, your kids share houses like she does, but, bluntly, your kids' mum didn't die.

She's traumatised. People picture traumatised kids as silent doe eyed little corner-elves but actually, very often they are hateful, belligerent,and angry. She clearly resent you for being a mother when she hasn't got one and has had to live with an overly strict grandparent instead of her dad full time. WHY isn't she living with her dad full time? Spending half your life with granny isn't normal in this culture, maybe she feels unwanted. She gets sent away from all the parents to live with a non parent who is strict.

They went to court over it all 5 years ago and that was what was agreed. She says things about her nan as if she don’t like her but then the next moment she’s all smiles when she gets dropped there and gets excited when they are going on holiday. I just wish they would admit she needs some proper counselling cause I can’t and won’t have them move in the way things are which is a shame as I think I could give her stability here not as a replacement mum as I’ve made it clear I will never try and be that but just as extra adult support and someone she could turn too. Just don’t know how else I can wake him up to seeing that she needs help before it’s too late. Cause the way she bullies me is not right for a child’s behaviour

I don't blame you for not having her move in, and of course that means he can't move in.

It's not normal for an 11 year old child to attempt to control an adult, but then, her life isn't normal. have you explained very clearly to your dp that unless she gets counselling and her behaviour improves, he will not be living with you ever?

Does your dp and his wife’s Mum get on? What would happen if you went out with all of them - would she toe the line because her nan was there?