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Original poster

Issues with boyfriend daughter

211 replies

Williams1971 · 08/08/2018 18:25

My bf’s daughter has issues with me. She’s 11. Her mum died 5 years ago they were not together and now she shares her time between him and her mums mum. I have tried to be nice to her and never have I wanted to take over the mums roll I have 4 children of my own. Sometimes she will be nice to me normally when she wants something , but most of the time she screams shouts and tantrums when I turn up at the house. She has growled at me, pushed me , told the dog to attack me and hid my stuff. The dog attack and hidden stuff you denies. I get very anxious when she is about cause I don’t know when she will flip. She has done this in the past in front of people too. When ever I answer any question she always says I’m wrong even down to what day it is ! I think she needs some kind of councilling as I’m sure this behaviour is not right. She talks to her dad like she owns him and in a horrible tone as well sometimes. When we are talking she interrupts. I’m at my wits end how to cope with this. He wants to move in but I don’t want to feel uncomfortable in my house around her. Any advise please?

OP posts:
Original poster
Williams1971 · 08/08/2018 20:29

Yes but he seems to think she will just improve if he starts being more stern. He also has this habit that if she does say sorry as to believe it won’t happen again. Even though it does. I don’t know how else I can make him see she and him need outside professional help. Ive even said to him he needs parent classes maybe

OP posts:
Notevilstepmother · 08/08/2018 20:30

I’m afraid your partner sounds like he is too soft on her and lets her make too many of the decisions. It’s understandable but not helpful. If where she was to live had to go through court that will have been unsettling for her at an age where she might not have had much say.

Do her Dad and her gran get on with each other? Have you met gran?

Original poster
Williams1971 · 08/08/2018 20:35

They didn’t get on well when it went to court and I think now they just tolerate each other. I have thought of videoing her and going to see the nan and show her , but I honestly don’t think it’s my place to do it and may cause more issues. I think it’s something he needs to do. I have stressed that if she’s treating me the way she does what’s she going to be like when she goes through the teenage years, I worry that she will end up harming someone with the way she is. A child shouldn’t be telling a dog to attack an adult. Though she denies this I had 2 other kids (not mine) witness this and tell her dad she did say it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Williams1971 · 08/08/2018 20:36

Met the nan once when I took the daughter to a after school club cause no one could take her that day.

OP posts:
KoolAidPickle · 08/08/2018 20:37

She's a young child with some serious issues and an inadequate parent. None of this is about you.

Original poster
Williams1971 · 08/08/2018 20:39

I just don’t know how to sort it out. And the anxiety she causes me when she’s about cause I’m worried she will kick off is becoming a little too much

OP posts:
SisterNotCisTerf · 08/08/2018 20:42

This child isn’t ready to have dad girlfriend in her life. Nor girlfriends children either. Is there a reason you keep going to see him when she is there?

PolkaHots · 08/08/2018 20:45

I don’t think she sounds like she needs counselling. She needs her dad to put her needs first. I can’t believe he is so selfish as to think about moving in.

I would rethink a relationship with someone so lacking in parenting qualities, I would not put my children through having him as a father,

Original poster
Williams1971 · 08/08/2018 20:55

She was fine with his last one but was younger as was about 2 years ago they finished. As when else will I get to see him. I’m not there tonight and he’s not even seen her cause she’s playing out with her friends

OP posts:
Original poster
Williams1971 · 08/08/2018 20:56

My children have a dad they don’t need another one. This relationship isn’t about getting extra parents for either kids

OP posts:
Nagaram · 08/08/2018 20:56

What about trying to make contact with the Nan and get to know more about the girl’s other half of her life to get a more rounded picture? Must be very disjointed and disorientating. The Children’s Bereavement Centre also maybe able to help.

HoleyCoMoley · 08/08/2018 20:59

I don't think it's your place to video her either, that is a massive trust issue. Her mum died, dad has had several girlfriends, she lives between 2 homes, poor kid.

Original poster
Williams1971 · 08/08/2018 21:02

He had one before me that he was with when the mum died.

OP posts:
SisterNotCisTerf · 08/08/2018 21:03

As when else will I get to see him

When his deeply traumatised child isn’t there? You know like a non selfish adult would do? He only has her half the week. You’ve the whole other half of the week to see him. You say she causes you so much anxiety? Stop going to her Home when she’s there then! Why would you keep going if she causes you anxiety?

Original poster
Williams1971 · 08/08/2018 21:04

He has her full weeks!!

OP posts:
HoleyCoMoley · 08/08/2018 21:05

What do you mean, did he have a girlfriend at the same time his wife was alive or after she had died.

Original poster
Williams1971 · 08/08/2018 21:06

Her mum and him were not together when she died. Not married

OP posts:
SisterNotCisTerf · 08/08/2018 21:06

And then the next week at her granny’s. So see him when she’s at her grams. obviously. Why has this not occurred to you?

KoolAidPickle · 08/08/2018 21:16

And the anxiety she causes me when she’s about cause I’m worried she will kick off is becoming a little too much

Then end the relationship. And grow up.

Original poster
Williams1971 · 08/08/2018 21:22

So basically everyone has to put their lives on hold. She should not be speaking to or behaving like that with an adult.

OP posts:
KoolAidPickle · 08/08/2018 21:26

Er no, the selfish adults need to stop thinking all about themselves and put the children first. You should try it Hmm

Peoplemaynoticeus · 08/08/2018 21:27

Sorry if I've missed it, but how long have you been together?

Original poster
Williams1971 · 08/08/2018 21:28

When she wants me to take her anywhere then I’m ok to be around. She chooses when she wants to kick off.

OP posts:
PandaPieForTea · 08/08/2018 21:29

Did the previous girlfriend have kids?

HoleyCoMoley · 08/08/2018 21:29

She's not your daughter, it's up to her dad to help sort this out, if you don't like her then don't see her. I'd only visit him either when she's not there or he comes to you when she's at nana house.