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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Issues with boyfriend daughter

211 replies

Williams1971 · 08/08/2018 18:25

My bf’s daughter has issues with me. She’s 11. Her mum died 5 years ago they were not together and now she shares her time between him and her mums mum. I have tried to be nice to her and never have I wanted to take over the mums roll I have 4 children of my own. Sometimes she will be nice to me normally when she wants something , but most of the time she screams shouts and tantrums when I turn up at the house. She has growled at me, pushed me , told the dog to attack me and hid my stuff. The dog attack and hidden stuff you denies. I get very anxious when she is about cause I don’t know when she will flip. She has done this in the past in front of people too. When ever I answer any question she always says I’m wrong even down to what day it is ! I think she needs some kind of councilling as I’m sure this behaviour is not right. She talks to her dad like she owns him and in a horrible tone as well sometimes. When we are talking she interrupts. I’m at my wits end how to cope with this. He wants to move in but I don’t want to feel uncomfortable in my house around her. Any advise please?

OP posts:
Original poster
Williams1971 · 08/08/2018 23:09

The nan don’t drive. I don’t like letting her or anyone down though that’s why I say yes. Like I would to anyone if I can help

OP posts:
Original poster
Williams1971 · 08/08/2018 23:11

Well obviously they know we are a couple. What I’m saying is they know he’s not their to replace their dad. Like the dads wife isnt there to replace me. And we are all friends as well.

OP posts:
KoolAidPickle · 08/08/2018 23:15

So not just a friend then.

Difference is your children have 2 parents and a stableish home. This poor child has no mother and a crappy father and you care more about when you get to see your boyfriend.
Seriously, why are you doing this?

SisterNotCisTerf · 08/08/2018 23:18

So what did they do 6 months ago, and for the previous 5 years? Who ferried the child about then? Previous girlfriends?

Original poster
Williams1971 · 08/08/2018 23:20

I don’t know as I wasn’t about. But I’d take it she had to miss out. Previous girlfriend!

OP posts:
fizzthecat1 · 08/08/2018 23:53

OP just take the hint. She isn't happy with you there, she only spends half the week with her Dad (her only living parent) so wants to spend time with him. Just put her first, she is the child here. Just see him when she's at her nans and talk on the phone during the weeks she's at her Dads.

C0untDucku1a · 09/08/2018 08:18

You have only known him a year and his traumatised daughter six months. There should be absolutely no talk of moving in together for at least another year.

Do you really want a relationship with a man who refuses to help the mental health of his daughter?

You need to put her needs before your needs and atip going to see your bf when he has his daughter. Why does she even have your phone number???

Original poster
Williams1971 · 09/08/2018 08:52

Because she wanted it. Last night he didn’t even really see her she was out playing with her friends so it’s not like even when she gets just him and her time she uses it with him. She was playing out

OP posts:
C0untDucku1a · 09/08/2018 08:54

So what?! Children play out. They still want to know theyre their parents priority.

SisterNotCisTerf · 09/08/2018 09:03

She’s 11!!! Why are you treating her like his adult acquaintance who owes him her company rather than a child who needs a parent (the only one she has) present!

Original poster
Williams1971 · 09/08/2018 09:04

She knows she is. But behaving in the way she does to an adult is just not right.

OP posts:
SisterNotCisTerf · 09/08/2018 09:04

Do you really have four children of your own? Do you insist they entertain you in the evenings your boyfriend isn’t there?

SisterNotCisTerf · 09/08/2018 09:05

If the adult stepped back out of her life she wouldn’t have the behaviour. You’re the trigger. She needs to work through her feelings without you constantly stirring them up.

Original poster
Williams1971 · 09/08/2018 09:07

No I don’t but I also wouldn’t let my children get away with speaking to anyone or acting like that to anyone. Adult or child.

OP posts:
Original poster
Williams1971 · 09/08/2018 09:08

She wants time with him. She gets it’s but don’t want it wants to play out instead

OP posts:
SisterNotCisTerf · 09/08/2018 09:15

No I don’t but I also wouldn’t let my children get away with speaking to anyone or acting like that to anyone.

You didn’t answer my earlier question about what you would do if someone who was coming to your house was causing the same behaviour in one of your children. Would you just punish your child and let the person carry on coming?

Onemansoapopera · 09/08/2018 09:15

Gets time with him?! She's his daughter,you're not in a polyamorous triangle here where you share him out! Her mum is dead she needs her dad. Maybe her dad should model himself on the apparently fantastic dad your ex is in treating his kids well, then all would be good. You're 47 , you're not in competition with an 11 year old girl but wow, you are such a cliche it hurts. Put yourself in her shoes and see him when she's not there. She's lost one parent she's afraid of losing the other to you and your kids, is it not flaming obvious?!

SisterNotCisTerf · 09/08/2018 09:16

Yeah she just wants her dad not to be using his limited parenting time to have dates with girlfriends.

SisterNotCisTerf · 09/08/2018 09:18

In all likelihood you won’t even be with him in 3 years, he needs to put his daughters mental health first. It’s far more important.

Original poster
Williams1971 · 09/08/2018 09:19

Gets time. As in not at her nans!

OP posts:
Original poster
Williams1971 · 09/08/2018 09:21

When did I say my ex was a fantastic dad. You lot are like the people on fb with their perfect lives!! So judgemental

OP posts:
Original poster
Williams1971 · 09/08/2018 09:22

You need to all grow up. Stop putting people down. Getting on your high horses. And live in reality

OP posts:
PerverseConverse · 09/08/2018 09:25

OP I did have some (a tiny amount) sympathy for you but despite all the replies on here you continue to peddle your selfish own interests. You seem completely unable to see things through his daughter's eyes and are coming across as very selfish and only caring about how this affects YOU. You come across as jealous too, as you don't seem to like the fact she needs time with just her dad. This is all about you when in fact it should be all about his daughter. I could t be with a man who puts his daughter last and I do wonder why he doesn't have full residency.

SisterNotCisTerf · 09/08/2018 09:25

Could you answer my question?

C0untDucku1a · 09/08/2018 09:29

Look, op, your attitude on here is really telling. You feel entitled to time with your boyfriend on his daughter’s nights, even though you know how it affects his motherless daughter who has little stability and a feckless father.

You are also being incredibly needy to not be able to do the schedule suggested by sisternotcis.

The girl needs to know her dad is there for her, so when she has finished playing, which is NORMAL BEHAVIOUR, he is there for her. That doesnt always have to be physically in the same room.

You just need to Back off and not see him when he has his dd Atm. It is easy to
Do And incredibly selfish and entitled not to.

And im really questioning the effectiveness of her father that he isnt already doing all he can to Minimise her pain and disruptionz