Issues with boyfriend daughter

[Williams1971]

My bf’s daughter has issues with me. She’s 11. Her mum died 5 years ago they were not together and now she shares her time between him and her mums mum. I have tried to be nice to her and never have I wanted to take over the mums roll I have 4 children of my own. Sometimes she will be nice to me normally when she wants something , but most of the time she screams shouts and tantrums when I turn up at the house. She has growled at me, pushed me , told the dog to attack me and hid my stuff. The dog attack and hidden stuff you denies. I get very anxious when she is about cause I don’t know when she will flip. She has done this in the past in front of people too. When ever I answer any question she always says I’m wrong even down to what day it is ! I think she needs some kind of councilling as I’m sure this behaviour is not right. She talks to her dad like she owns him and in a horrible tone as well sometimes. When we are talking she interrupts. I’m at my wits end how to cope with this. He wants to move in but I don’t want to feel uncomfortable in my house around her. Any advise please?

Maybe they need to go back to the courts and keep in mind what the girl wants because this seems like a terrible set up

For a shag!!! And you tell me to grow up. Pathetic

go shag someone whose child you aren't harming, ffs. Yes, you are pathetic.

And I suggest you go back to the playground. I haven’t come in here for abuse I grew out of the playground 30 odd years ago when I left school

No you came here for advice and you should take it. You're whining about a traumatised neglected little girl getting in the way of your booty calls.

No I have not at all I asked for advise on how I can get her family to notice she needs help

At 47 years old I don’t do booty calls!!!

You're 46 (ish)? Seriously? I thought you must be early/mid 20s. I don't mean that rudely as in saying something like "what are you, 12?" but I genuinely thought due to your lack of understanding and naïveté of the situation that you must be young.

I was in a similar situation regarding my then bf's kids' behaviour and wrote on here for advice (under a different name). I got told to LTB because he was a crap dad with no discipline and was too enmeshed with his ex wife. That hurt and I riled against those posters. But once I'd calmed down, I realised they were right. They asked lots of questions about my bf and our relationship in general and I was able to see how both he and his kids weren't ready for him to have a girlfriend. He'd moved things too fast and none of them were ready. Their mum provided instability with lots of boyfriends, they were passed between 2 houses every other week, their behaviour was awful and it was a result of their situation. He couldn't see that and neither could she. There were plenty of other reasons I finished with him but his kids were a major reason.

Someone needs to have this child's best interests at heart here and change things so that her life improves. Her behaviour is vile I agree. But there's a reason for it and your bf needs to address it.

Cross post on your age there.

Yes, you have asked for advice on getting her family to see she needs help, but you're failing to see your part in her behaviour and failing to see that your bf is not meeting her needs because his priority seems to be you.

I know. Ive never experienced this before my friends children all take to me want to stay at mine and some of them have issues but kids normally enjoy being with me. This is why this hurts and confuses me and I just want her to be helped and healed. I know I can’t do this and speak constantly to me bf to get her help she needs but he buries his head. My children have took fine with my ex’s new wife but then I know they had me still as their mum so not the same situation.

Week 1:
Monday
Tuesday
Friday
Saturday
Sunday

Week 2:
Wednesday

So those are all the days your boyfriend can come to you. Maximum of 4 days between seeing him. During which time you can also text, call and Skype him. Sounds alright to me tbh.

Yes but this still does not address the issues she has.

Has anyone asked her what she wants to happen? Sounds like she needs a stable home with her dad for a while and is resenting losing him to you for part of the week.

She always says she don’t have an issue and she likes me. But don’t know why she sometimes is mean to me

Her issues seem to be with you being around her. If you’re not around her.....

Her nan has no issues at all she’s like an angel with her. And talks nicely and polite

She will ring me and ask me to take her to after school clubs if I can. And also take her to the shops etc. Then next minute she just flips at me

You can't force your bf to get help for his dd. He needs to get his head out of the sand as help his dd as her behavior screams "I am angry but will take it out on Dad's gf as I love Dad and cant handle these emotions"

Your partner is insane to want to move in. His dd is deeply unhappy and needs clear boundaries like her nan is providing. He should be asking her for more details like house rules, discipline etc and implementing that consistently. Him moving into yours sounds like he wants you to help solve things but as Dad's gf you are pretty powerless. Dad has to learn how to parent and build a strong relationship with her before moving on.

The others are right - the only way to continue your relationship is to see each other when she's with Gran. That way you're not abused and she's not having to act out.

She's a child, she's confused as to how she feels, so she acts up. She's going through puberty I imagine and all this to deal with too.
You're too involved with her every day life if she's phoning you up asking for lifts. No way my 12 year old would have phoned my then bf and asked him for anything. The fact she dies tells me he has involved you far too much in such s short space of time. It's not good at all. Like I said, you need to step back here because he obviously can't see that he needs to make changes.

Why on earth is her dad letting her ring people to take her to after school club? (Doesn’t the school do that anyway??) why hasn’t he arranged proper childcare instead of leaving it up to an 11 year old to sort. Why did you ever agree to it? You’ve only know her 6 months. Far too involved.

As in clubs that happen in different places like cheer leading etc. Sometimes he can’t take her cause of work commitments. So she says can I take her. What do I say no?

I know I can’t do this and speak constantly to me bf to get her help she needs but he buries his head

So you know this man is neglecting his daughter but you still want to see him? Do you let him be around your children?

Her dad needs to arrange proper childcare! Who is looking after her while he is at work?

My children have a dad and are looked after perfectly fine. No man will either other than their dad be allowed to act like their dad. He is a friend that comes over like any of my other friends

Yes, you say no. It's his responsibility to do things like that, not yours. Or grandmother could take her seeing as they share custody. Or between them they arrange a lift with another child going, that would be the norm. Very bizarre set up imo.

She either goes to the nan depending on which week. Or to his mums

He;s a friend like any other friend but you;re considering moving in together as a couple?
You;re not making sense.