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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Issues with boyfriend daughter

211 replies

Williams1971 · 08/08/2018 18:25

My bf’s daughter has issues with me. She’s 11. Her mum died 5 years ago they were not together and now she shares her time between him and her mums mum. I have tried to be nice to her and never have I wanted to take over the mums roll I have 4 children of my own. Sometimes she will be nice to me normally when she wants something , but most of the time she screams shouts and tantrums when I turn up at the house. She has growled at me, pushed me , told the dog to attack me and hid my stuff. The dog attack and hidden stuff you denies. I get very anxious when she is about cause I don’t know when she will flip. She has done this in the past in front of people too. When ever I answer any question she always says I’m wrong even down to what day it is ! I think she needs some kind of councilling as I’m sure this behaviour is not right. She talks to her dad like she owns him and in a horrible tone as well sometimes. When we are talking she interrupts. I’m at my wits end how to cope with this. He wants to move in but I don’t want to feel uncomfortable in my house around her. Any advise please?

OP posts:
Onemansoapopera · 09/08/2018 12:51

Your problem started when you dated a father instead of a non parent, because this child with all her negatives and positives can't be deleted from the picture. You either offer her unconditional love that a parent or caregiver offers a child they like or you fuck off. In a nutshell.

SisterNotCisTerf · 09/08/2018 15:43

I hate these threads. I really do. Why do so many people not see children as real humans? Why do they not consider the children as important when they date a parent. It’s so utterly selfish. The father too. OP sees this child as a nuisance that needs to be put in her place. That oozes from her posts. Its disgusting.

Original poster
Williams1971 · 09/08/2018 16:30

I’m disgusted how you have all jumped to a conclusion of me and not reading what I’m actually asking the advise on , to seek what the best professional help for her. Ive never said she is a nuisance. I’m a single mother of 4 children 1 who is disabled and one who suffers from anxiety attacks.i work and pay all bills myself I seeked help for these children straight away. Also my ex’s mum died killed herself when him and his sisters where young and then never behaved in this way. But carry on with your witch hunt against me if it makes you all feel better

OP posts:
SisterNotCisTerf · 09/08/2018 16:34

It’s not your job to arrange professional help for this child. It’s her father’s and grandmothers. If you think she is being neglected the phone social services. And then dump her neglectful father.

Original poster
Williams1971 · 09/08/2018 16:39

I don’t think she’s being neglected I’m trying to offer some advise on what help is out there. You lot are so closed book and very unhelpful

OP posts:
Original poster
Williams1971 · 09/08/2018 16:40

Instead of seeing constant bad in people open your mind!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Williams1971 · 09/08/2018 16:40

Just constant negativity comes back.

OP posts:
KoolAidPickle · 09/08/2018 16:41

What has any of that got to do with your appalling attitude towards this child?

We are very helpful. You just refuse to see you are part of the problem, not part of the solution. You are nobody to this child, just another girlfriend of her neglectful fathers . The only thing you can do to help this child is leave her alone.

PerverseConverse · 09/08/2018 16:44

I don't think it's us that is close minded. You seem to think that "help" will magically make her bad behaviour go away. Therapy is going to take many months to address her issues.
You seem oblivious to your negative influence in her behaviour and oblivious to your bf's la know patenting.
You don't come across well at all and when this was pointed out to you, you took to insulting those offering advice. The overall consensus seems to be to butt out but you can't see that.

Original poster
Williams1971 · 09/08/2018 16:45

So she’s asked to come round to play with my kids I say no do I? Cause surely that’s appalling and would say I didn’t like her like you lot think

OP posts:
PerverseConverse · 09/08/2018 16:48

You're impossible. You have no boundaries. I'm out.

SisterNotCisTerf · 09/08/2018 16:53

You still haven’t explained why you can’t just see him when she isn’t there.

Original poster
Williams1971 · 09/08/2018 16:54

I don’t mind that at all. I didn’t see him last night and wasn’t going to tonight. But she’s asked to come here and play with the kids

OP posts:
KoolAidPickle · 09/08/2018 16:54

So she’s asked to come round to play with my kids I say no do I?

yes you say no and you stop seeing both child and father. Is there something you're still not clear on?

SisterNotCisTerf · 09/08/2018 16:57

So do it then. Make a conscious decision not to be there when she is. Tell him you want to help her and you can see she is upset with you being there so you are giving her the space she needs. See what happens.

Also tell him he needs to arrange someone else to take her to clubs and not leave it up to her to ring people. He needs to parent.

Make an excuse for her not to come round and play.

fizzthecat1 · 09/08/2018 17:07

he can’t put his life constantly on hold and be at her beck and call as what does this show her in life

His life isn't on hold, he's a part time parent, just see him when she's at her nans

Thatsfuckingshit · 09/08/2018 17:45

Also my ex’s mum died killed herself when him and his sisters where young and then never behaved in this way.

Firstly I bet there will be some adults who do remember them acting out, but were very forgiving and understanding of the situation.

Secondly, not everybody grieves the same. Not everybody is impacted the same. Not everyone is in the same situation or has the same support.

The fact that you think because your ex coped with his mum dying, means that your dps dd should, proves you know absolutely nothing. You are not trying to understand or be sympathetic. You things she needs to suck it up. Or at least that's how it's coming across.

another20 · 09/08/2018 18:59

he can’t put husband life on hold and be at her beck and call as what does this show her in life

It shows her she is his priority.
It shows her how to be compassionate.
It shows her that children come first.

Especially one that has experienced multiple traumas:

Her parents splitting up and her family falling apart. Why was that? How did that happen?

Her mother dying. Did she watch her die a through a painful illness? Or a shocking sudden death?

She experienced two adults batting it out in court for access. Why was this? What has your BF done to have to give up RP status?

She has lived with her grieving grandmother who tries to parent the little girl of her deaf daughter. Doubt there are many laughs there.

She experiences yet another (at least one) “family” breakup as GF leaves. Why did this happen?

She is then thrown in with another GF with 4 of her own children - who needs her to be at the back of the queue in her fathers affections.

Who is supporting this child?

You are demonising her - her behaviour is tame for what she has been thru.

Show some compassion and let her have her Dad. She does need you and your negative approach.

another20 · 09/08/2018 19:27

his not husband

UnlikelyAstronaut · 09/08/2018 20:19

Op, you have my sympathies.

I have a friend in exactly the same position as you, only my friend is the Nan.

Well done for seeking answers - here or anywhere - over how to help this girl.

My friend's son on the other hand, has allowed his new wife to kick his bereaved daughter out of their house due to her terrible behaviour. In my view, HE is spineless and his wife is the 'specimen'. She doesn't give a shiny shit about her step-daughter.

You obviously do though. Good on you for standing up to the criticisms you've received.

BUT. You have to accept that you are not a child psychologist and you cannot meet her needs.
Most importantly, you have to accept that you cannot force your bf to help his daughter. You cannot make him see that she needs counselling and really good, possibly long-term therapy. You are trying and you want to - at least, that's what comes across to me in your posts.

But you can't. He has to want to see the problem and desire to help her.

For what it's worth, my friend says the reason her son won't do more for his poor daughter is because he is afraid that social services will remove her from him altogether.

Crock of shit. Fact is, he's married to a woman who wants the girl to disappear.

You have two options: continue to be anxious and to urge your bf to get help for her (which doesn't seem to be working - because he isn't doing that in any meaningful way, is he) or pack him in and breathe. This lass isn't your problem. He's your spineless boyfriend's problem and you can't buy backbone or make it. Flowers

Original poster
Williams1971 · 09/08/2018 21:30

Thank you. At last someone not attacking me.

OP posts:
SillySallySingsSongs · 09/08/2018 21:47

So within 6 months of meeting her you want to move in with him? You insist on going round on her evenings with him

Can you really not see the issue?

The child has lost her mother, there is s new girlfriend who dad is moving in with, so she is also losing the home she knows.

It doesn't take a genius to work out what the issue is.

dammmken · 09/08/2018 21:55

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Williams1971 · 09/08/2018 22:09

They live with his mum !!

OP posts:
Broussard · 09/08/2018 22:28

Who lives with his mum?