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Original poster

Issues with boyfriend daughter

211 replies

Williams1971 · 08/08/2018 18:25

My bf’s daughter has issues with me. She’s 11. Her mum died 5 years ago they were not together and now she shares her time between him and her mums mum. I have tried to be nice to her and never have I wanted to take over the mums roll I have 4 children of my own. Sometimes she will be nice to me normally when she wants something , but most of the time she screams shouts and tantrums when I turn up at the house. She has growled at me, pushed me , told the dog to attack me and hid my stuff. The dog attack and hidden stuff you denies. I get very anxious when she is about cause I don’t know when she will flip. She has done this in the past in front of people too. When ever I answer any question she always says I’m wrong even down to what day it is ! I think she needs some kind of councilling as I’m sure this behaviour is not right. She talks to her dad like she owns him and in a horrible tone as well sometimes. When we are talking she interrupts. I’m at my wits end how to cope with this. He wants to move in but I don’t want to feel uncomfortable in my house around her. Any advise please?

OP posts:
Original poster
Williams1971 · 08/08/2018 21:30

Just coming onto a year. Didn’t meet her until we were 6 months into the relationship and that was a brief quick tea and go and then we have tried to build it up

OP posts:
KoolAidPickle · 08/08/2018 21:31

SHE'S ELEVEN. With a dead mother, a half time father, a wannabe stepmother who can't stand her and seemingly no-one actually looking after her properly.
Get a grip

Original poster
Williams1971 · 08/08/2018 21:32

Yes the one before had children

OP posts:
Original poster
Williams1971 · 08/08/2018 21:32

I do not want to be anyone’s step mum at all.

OP posts:
lapenguin · 08/08/2018 21:33

Your DP needs to grow a pair and parent his daughter properly
I think the living situation needs to be reassessed
There is no reason she should be spending half her time at her nans. Can they not agree to a Friday (or whichever) night at nans instead so she can still see her frequently but have a stable home?

KoolAidPickle · 08/08/2018 21:34

Then why are you spending any time at all around your boyfriends kid? He only has her part time, either see him when she's shipped off to her other home, or not at all.

Original poster
Williams1971 · 08/08/2018 21:34

The nan and courts wouldn’t allow this I don’t think ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Williams1971 · 08/08/2018 21:35

Cause we have to fit in around my kids aswell.

OP posts:
SisterNotCisTerf · 08/08/2018 21:39

Cause we have to fit in around my kids aswell

Why can’t he come to yours when she is with her gran?

Original poster
Williams1971 · 08/08/2018 21:40

He does. But the week he has her I can’t see why we have to not even spend a few hours together one evening.

OP posts:
butterfly990 · 08/08/2018 21:43

Have a look at DDP therapy ddpnetwork.org/ and NVR www.amazon.co.uk/Connective-Parenting-guide-connecting-Approach-ebook/dp/B0725S97JP/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=connective+parenting&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1520329081&sr=8-1

Different scenario to yours however my partner died and my eldest 14 is suffering from anxiety, school refusal ... We are under CAMHS, have seen a psychiatrist, psychologist etc. and this is what has been recommended to us.

Original poster
Williams1971 · 08/08/2018 21:45

That’s great thank you

OP posts:
SisterNotCisTerf · 08/08/2018 21:48

You can’t see why? Really?

but most of the time she screams shouts and tantrums when I turn up at the house. She has growled at me, pushed me , told the dog to attack me and hid my stuff.

cause I don’t know when she will flip. She has done this in the past in front of people too. When ever I answer any question she always says I’m wrong even down to what day it is !

When we are talking she interrupts

But she sits and stares at me and makes me feel uncomfortable

Sometimes she blocks me in rooms.

^^all your own words. And you can’t work out why you should stop going there when she is home? What would help you work it out?

What would you do if someone who visited your house was causing the same reaction in one of your children? Would you just make the child tolerate it because you wanted to shag the person that night?

lapenguin · 08/08/2018 21:48

I don't see why the courts won't?
Grandparents don't typically have any rights... So there must be some concern if they have awarded her part time residency

SisterNotCisTerf · 08/08/2018 21:49

I mean would it really be very difficult for you not to see your boyfriend at his house for a few days? Would it be more harmful to your mental health than you visiting is currently being to this child?

anappleadaykeeps · 08/08/2018 21:53

Does the grandmother have testamentory parental responsibility? That might explain the 50/50 contact split.

If you are named as the resident parent in a Court Order, you are able to pass PR on in your will/letter of wishes. Do know the exact details, but I'm looking into it for my Will at the moment (long story).

Might be to do with that?

KoolAidPickle · 08/08/2018 21:53

But the week he has her I can’t see why we have to not even spend a few hours together one evening
Because it would be better for her if you didn't?

If your DC were so upset about your boyfriend coming over they acted like she does, would you bring him over anyway?

Original poster
Williams1971 · 08/08/2018 21:57

I don’t quite know what the rights are of them both. I just know they both have split access rights which the court set out for them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Williams1971 · 08/08/2018 21:57

For a shag!!! And you tell me to grow up. Pathetic !

OP posts:
Original poster
Williams1971 · 08/08/2018 21:58

When I go over. I leave that night, no staying over

OP posts:
Foodylicious · 08/08/2018 21:58

Hang on, you don't see why you have to go a week at a time with out seeing him, but his own daughter does not get to feel the same?

I can't believe you have only been together 1 year, known her for 6 months, and are talking to him about him and her moving in with you!

No her behaviour is not Ok, but seriously, if she is not ready to have you in her life, then she should get a say in this.

Also if you do all live together, I would suggest you all move somewhere new together. Not one family moving in to the other families home.

(I say this as a middle child of 7 including step siblings- dad met and proposed very quickly (my my had died and do had her first husbands) and we moved in with them just before they got married.

I was 11. Such a difficult time and I honestly could not express the mixed thoughts and feelings I had. it's just so bloody complicated and the impact on a child now will go with her throughout her life.

I hope her dad and nan come round to the idea of councelling of some sort.

SisterNotCisTerf · 08/08/2018 21:59

So please tell me, what is so important that you simply must see him at the expense of his child’s mental health? Whatever it is must be very important.

SisterNotCisTerf · 08/08/2018 22:00

Oh please do not move in with him!!

Original poster
Williams1971 · 08/08/2018 22:00

Yes it would be a new place as I want all the children to still have their own rooms

OP posts:
PerverseConverse · 08/08/2018 22:00

OP you need to step back from all this and let your bf sort things out with his daughter. She is obviously and understandable deeply traumatised and has no stability. It's very odd for the courts to give part custody to a grandparent. Makes me wonder why they did that because under normal circumstances residency would go to the dad.
I feel sorry for this child. Bereaved at a young age, split between her dad and grandmother, dad and gf split so she no longer sees her or her kids that she probably loved, and now there's you and your kids threatening her equilibrium. That's a lot of loss in a young child.
What strikes me here is your inability to see how you need to step away and back off. You're more concerned about how this impacts you and how your need to see your bf trumps her needs. Your bf needs to get his act together and start being a father to his daughter and put her first. You should never come first, she should. She needs to know that through his actions. You shouldn't be there on Thursdays. Why do you need to be? Just seems selfish to me.
I can't see this relationship working. You need to be queen bee and she needs her father because she's a vulnerable child in need of love and stability. This behaviour hasn't come from nowhere. Yes she does need some input from professionals but mainly she needs her dad. She doesn't need you and that's a hard pill to swallow
I'd end this now because it can't work until this little girl has had time to grieve properly and feels secure in her place in her dad's life.
He is to blame for jumping into another relationship and involving you and your family too soon. Too much, too soon. She needs someone to put her first here. You and her dad have behaved very selfishly but the blame lies mainly with him.