Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Issues with boyfriend daughter

211 replies

Williams1971 · 08/08/2018 18:25

My bf’s daughter has issues with me. She’s 11. Her mum died 5 years ago they were not together and now she shares her time between him and her mums mum. I have tried to be nice to her and never have I wanted to take over the mums roll I have 4 children of my own. Sometimes she will be nice to me normally when she wants something , but most of the time she screams shouts and tantrums when I turn up at the house. She has growled at me, pushed me , told the dog to attack me and hid my stuff. The dog attack and hidden stuff you denies. I get very anxious when she is about cause I don’t know when she will flip. She has done this in the past in front of people too. When ever I answer any question she always says I’m wrong even down to what day it is ! I think she needs some kind of councilling as I’m sure this behaviour is not right. She talks to her dad like she owns him and in a horrible tone as well sometimes. When we are talking she interrupts. I’m at my wits end how to cope with this. He wants to move in but I don’t want to feel uncomfortable in my house around her. Any advise please?

OP posts:
SisterNotCisTerf · 09/08/2018 10:10

She was outside playing according to you so he could have phoned you then.

If you’re taking her to her after school clubs, and he’s working, then yeah, you’re providing childcare. He’s have to arrange someone else to do it if you didn’t.

SisterNotCisTerf · 09/08/2018 10:11

What exactly is you’re objection to just seeing him when she is at her nan’s? I even wrote out all the days you would see him upthread. Can you just not bring yourself to let her “win”?

Original poster
Williams1971 · 09/08/2018 10:21

It’s not a case of winning. It’s a case of she needs help in some way as he can’t put his life constantly on hold and be at her beck and call as what does this show her in life. There are children that have only one parent from birth etc and I’ve never known them to act like that. Adopted children as well. If you think it’s ok for her to scream and shout at people and to let her do it Or let her always have what she wants when she acts like that then are you not promoting the kid of children we have today

OP posts:
Original poster
Williams1971 · 09/08/2018 10:23

And the free childcare statements are really pathetic

OP posts:
PerfectPenquins · 09/08/2018 10:29

Adopted children do have have struggles like this, adopting isn’t easy and this is one of the reasons. Loosing a parent you’ve had for part of your life is a very different experience to never having had that parent. You just seem so selfish here. Your desperately trying to minimise this child’s struggles and think a bit of counselling and she will like you! What if she still dosnt like you after she receives the very belated help? What then?

SisterNotCisTerf · 09/08/2018 10:33

he can’t put his life constantly on hold and be at her beck and call as what does this show her in life.

I’ve put my entire life on hold to deal with the mental breakdown caused by my son’s father abandoning him. It has caused untold damage. I won’t detail it but my life literally does involve around keeping my son from his next breakdown. And yes, to people who don’t know us, it looks like I’m pandering to a tantrumming child. I’ve been single for 8 years since his father left and if I have to be single for another 8 years so be it. His mental health is actually quite important to me. I really couldn’t fathom placing some random man and his need for a cup of tea with me above my son’s need for reassurance and stability.

SisterNotCisTerf · 09/08/2018 10:36

And when I say life on hold I don’t just mean dating. I’ve had to give up university (which I worked really hard as a lone parent to get into) and jobs. My ex leaving has cost me so much more than just having to do bedtime alone, but I do it, because I chose to have a child and that means making sure they’re ok.

rainingcatsanddog · 09/08/2018 10:37

He doesn't have to stop dating until she's 18 but he needs to help her NOW. Help her process her feelings and come to terms with things. Seeing you only when she's at her Nan's will help her feel secure. She wants to come home from playing outside to her Dad. Not Dad enjoying himself with you while she plays outside. That's really not unreasonable as you make out. Most kids would like to be the center of their parent's life.

The fact that she was nice to his previous gf is neither here nor there. Children often feel the effects of a traumatic event after a delayed time and her behavior is crying out for her Dad. Living 50/50 after a bereavement is very unusual and it's possible that she'd be happier living with one or the other for longer. It's going to be hard work helping his dd but Dad needs to act now because the delay is prolonging her pain.

It's bizarre that he dates you when his dd openly resents you. It's also bizarre that he sees his dd behave like this and not help. Also mind-boggling that he wouldn't sit down and work out why she's not acting out an Nan's and realize that his parenting is at fault.

SisterNotCisTerf · 09/08/2018 10:38

Regardless of all that, your posts show you’re not the right person to be around this child. You don’t like her, you don’t want to undertsand why she is how She is, you just want her to behave so you can have a nice cup of tea with the man you’re dating. None of this is about her. You just want your love life to be easier. (Hint: date someone without kids)

Original poster
Williams1971 · 09/08/2018 10:44

When have I said I don’t like her. Jumping to conclusions again. If I didn’t like her I wouldn’t give a damn about her needing help and trying to get her some. As I don’t want her ending up like others on her estate

OP posts:
SisterNotCisTerf · 09/08/2018 10:46

When have I said I don’t like her.

😂😂😂 you didn’t need to say it.

Original poster
Williams1971 · 09/08/2018 10:52

Well I do. I don’t hate any child. So there we go again presuming what you don’t know

OP posts:
PerverseConverse · 09/08/2018 10:55

In every post it's come across loud and clear that you don't like her and the way her behaviour interferes with your time with your bf. The way you have reacted to advice on here shows how selfish and dense you are. I don't think I've ever come across such a selfish, immature OP.

Original poster
Williams1971 · 09/08/2018 11:03

Omg you are soooo wrong. And blinkered. I don’t say she interferes either with our time. When she’s nice we all get on well. When she starts I feel sorry for her and want her parental people to help her.

OP posts:
PerverseConverse · 09/08/2018 11:07

Every single poster has told you that you need to back off and yet here you are STILL not getting it despite many, many helpful posts. It's just that you don't want to hear what anyone is saying. You are the one that is wrong-for getting too involved with this child, for not understanding her needs, and for not allowing and facilitating her needs to be met by her father. I feel so sorry for her. Good luck OP, you're going to need it. Either that or a damn good wake up call.

KoolAidPickle · 09/08/2018 11:26

When she's nice?

Seriously, you shouldn't be around any children at all. You are some specimen.

Williams1971 · 09/08/2018 11:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

KoolAidPickle · 09/08/2018 11:50

No, you're just a shocking excuse for a parent and should get far away from this traumatised child as you are very bad for her. It's a view any normal person would agree with.

LunaTrap · 09/08/2018 11:55

I was a bereaved child. At nearly 40 years old I am coming to realise the damage that was caused by choices my caregivers made during my childhood, including both how new relationships were introduced and also not getting me much needed counselling. Your boyfriend has 50% of his time to pursue his relationship with you. When he has his daughter his only focus should be on her, and giving her the help and support she so clearly needs. You shouldn't even be in the equation.

PerverseConverse · 09/08/2018 11:55

We're freaks?! Confused

RedPanda2 · 09/08/2018 11:59

OP has hundreds of messages with advice and personal experiences and she throws her toys out the pram. You need to grow up. Poor child

Original poster
Williams1971 · 09/08/2018 12:05

Just read some of koolaids posts to others. Very dictator. Just take it you have such a perfect life. That’s why you are always on here I suppose Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
Williams1971 · 09/08/2018 12:06

Not advise. Slagging off. Not anything anyone has said except one that gave me a few links has helped in any way.

OP posts:
PolkaHots · 09/08/2018 12:11

People are slagging you off because they are getting frustrated that you aren’t putting this child’s interests first.

A bit of counselling isn’t like waypving some magic wand you know?

Thatsfuckingshit · 09/08/2018 12:44

Not advise. Slagging off. Not anything anyone has said except one that gave me a few links has helped in any way.

That's incorrect. You started getting shit when it became quite clear that what this girl needs is far down your priorities. And far down her own fathers too.