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Original poster

Surnames of illegitimate children?

180 replies

macdoodle · 02/06/2007 13:00

Not mine - if anyone has seen my previous postings they will know that DH lunatic ex OW (another story not the current discussion please)...is about 4 weeks off giving birth to his illegitimate child
Things have been bitter angry and twisted to say the least (not least because I am due with DH second LEGITIMATE child in dec)-
we have been married 8 years I use his name as does DD (obviously as we are married)..
Lunatic ex OW was divorced from her DH about 18 months ago I think but as far as I know still uses her married name as in Mrs XXX ..
Ok all clear...
anyhows turns out she wants to use my DH surname as her childs surname (now birth cert I have no problem with as I think child has right to know who its parents are) - but why on earth would you want your child to have the name of a man who treated you like shit, who you stalked and manipulated, got pregnant on purpose (she did) and all along has tried to go back to his wife ...why would you want your child to have a different name to you, a man who you never lived with (other than the odd week here and there in friends rooms etc), you were never married to or even talked about marriage, who you have known less than a year when you trapped him into a child he didn't want, why would you still use the name of youe ex DH when he left you for another woman and you have no children together...
I know I sound angry and I bloody am - the only reason I can see for her to do it - is to manipulate my DH and make him feel bad and more importantly to piss me off and humiliate me - god I hate this woman and her selfish immature games - again she shows no concern for the children involved in this mess (mine really) but also her little bugger who she uses as a tool to get at DH before it is even born...
So am I just blinded by my anger or is it reasonable to expect to use his name what would others do - personally I would want to have the same name as my DC and that is never going to happen !! [angry}

OP posts:
Original poster
macdoodle · 02/06/2007 13:02

Sorry to clarify I have the same name as my DC but this lunatic won't if she uses DH name for her child as he will NEVER EVER marry her!

OP posts:
KerryMum · 02/06/2007 13:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hassled · 02/06/2007 13:07

I agree that if it were me (I mean if I were ex-OW) I'd want the child to have my name. However, your DH is the child's father, and legitimate or not the convention (for lack of a better word to use) is that a child takes its father's name. Whatever her twisted motives are, you can't argue with the logic especially as DH will be named on the birth certificate. What a nightmare situation for you .

1sue1 · 02/06/2007 13:10

I hope you have the same degree of anger towards dh but you said not on this thread so wont go there.

maybe she loves him and hopes for a reconcilliation at some point, and childs name wont need changing then...dunno, but when you said he treated her like shit, I did think he must be at least a little bit of a twat, so she's better off out of it imo.

LaDiDaDi · 02/06/2007 13:12

My goodness, what a mess this is for you.

Personally I can see both pov.

You are aware that in order for you dh to be named on OW and his child's birth certificate they will have to go together to register the birth?

Carmenere · 02/06/2007 13:12

Are you going to facilitate a relationship between your dc's and their sibling? I think that she has every right to have the child have your dh's name, he is the father after all. Unpalatable as it may be the reality is that this child will be a member of your dc's family, if you have accepted your erring dh back you must accept this fact too. Try to divorce the fact that the mum is obviously really upset and angry too. Believe me if you just graciously say 'oh of course your dc should have the same name as his/her sibling's' that will say far more about the security of your relationship with dh than anything else.

You have got the man, the family and the 'legitimate' children, what is the big deal about letting an innocent child have his/her dads surname?

BTW I abhor that term illegitimate.

CarGirl · 02/06/2007 13:12

Perhaps your dh should not put his name on the birth certificate in that case, after all he would have to go with her to do that anyway. He could still apply for parental responsibility if that is what he wants.

Original poster
macdoodle · 02/06/2007 13:13

Kerrymum I agree when there are kids it is hard as you want the same name as them and I has same dilemma when divorce was looming wanted to keep same name as DD but didn't really want DH name - but this lunatic is divorced form her DH BUT they never had kids so no reason to keep his name as was fairly unpleasant divorce I believe - she is just a cuckoo I think just wants what isn't hers!!!!
FWIW my parents have been divorced (bitterly) for >20 years my mum kept his name so to be the same as us but she is pretty bitter and twisted...if me and DH did finally divorce in the end I think I would go back to my maiden name TBH now theres a conundrum!

OP posts:
Original poster
macdoodle · 02/06/2007 13:18

Have no intention letting my DC anywhere near the lying manipulative cow or her child they can decide if they want to meet their half sib when they are old enough to ....she is not to be trusted the lies and filth that comes out of her mouth is scary and have no reason to think that she would not use my DC to her own ends - DH and her child another story she has made any kind of adult relationship between the 3 of us impossible and at this stage we are using solicitors to communicate - didn't realise DH would have to go with her to register birth don't think he did either but would guess she does yet another game for her....oh and trust me anger at DH still incandescent we are still living apart I fear the worst when her baby is born so am waiting to see before any firm decisions

OP posts:
utterlyconfused · 02/06/2007 13:22

I think this is one of those situations where you have a firm idea of what is right and what is wrong... but right and wrong are not written in stone anywhere, so others may have a different viewpoint. The problem is that we expect/hope other people to have the same high standards (and therefore the same perception of right and wrong) as us.

My personal opinion is that there is no reason for this unborn child to have your dh's name. Indeed there are strong reasons why it shouldn't. My personal feeling is that I would be every bit as angry as you, and that this exOW probably is doing it for all the reasons that you say - although of course I can't know that.

However, and I wince slightly as I write this, as it is horrible to think it, your dh is the father of this child, and it is not entirely unreasonable to give a child its father's name. Impractical, maybe, and the reasons may be questionable, in general, but not unthinkable.

From the situation, we can deduce already that this woman does not have your standards, and I'm afraid that you just have to accept that. I am very sorry for you. What a horrible situation for you.

Carmenere · 02/06/2007 13:26

McDoodle, I feel for you because this is a big mess BUT the child is innocent and your dh does have a responsibility towards it. You actually should be encouraging him to have a relationship with it as what does that say to your dc's about responsibility? That you can cast aside children because they are inconvenient. He should step up to his responsibilities and be their for his child. Same way as he should be there for yours.
Fwiw I think you are right I wouldn't let your dh anyway near you for a long time and I admire your strenght and willingness to forgive him.

TaylorsMummy · 02/06/2007 13:30

McDoodle, i feel sorry for you but your post comes across as not very nice,especially talking about ILLEGITIMATE AND LEGITIMATE children.people don't talk like that nowadays,it really makes no odds whether children or born in marriage or not.you sound very angry but maybe your anger should be towards your dh? she didn't get herself pregnant,she needed his help to do that.as for the surname,that's between them.what does he think? i would be pissed off too if i were you but what does he say about it? his name should be on the birth certificate though,definately.sorry if i sound nasty but i don't like the tone you are using towards the baby.

tribpot · 02/06/2007 13:33

I can completely understand your anger. But as DH is the father of this child, there is no reason why it shouldn't have his surname (except taste and common decency, obviously).

Her child is as much an innocent pawn in this awful game as yours are, and I feel very sorry for it. Think of growing up with that set of parents, to be quite frank.

harman · 02/06/2007 13:37

Message withdrawn

harman · 02/06/2007 13:38

Message withdrawn

TaylorsMummy · 02/06/2007 13:39

why do you keep referring to the baby as 'her baby' it is their baby. and it is an innocent in this

noddyholder · 02/06/2007 13:41

That word is horrible and negates the child If he is the father and she wants to name her baby thus that is her business He should have thought of that before he cheated And as for you calling him/her a 'little bugger' you should be ashamed.You do know this is a parenting site?

tribpot · 02/06/2007 13:44

I had a look at macdoodle's original post here and can see why macdoodle wants (on this thread at least) to keep the D(?)H out of it to some extent. He's behaved quite appallingly, but in this thread macdoodle's angry with the OW for the surname choice specifically.

AbRoller · 02/06/2007 13:47

little bugger

That little child has as much a right to a Dad as your children have.

I cannot write anymore, I'm livid!

TaylorsMummy · 02/06/2007 13:48

'her brat'

you are obviously really, really angry but i do think you should be directing your anger elsewhere.

have you had any counselling?

Mrbatters · 02/06/2007 13:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotQuiteCockney · 02/06/2007 13:52

I don't really understand the emphasis on legitimate and illegimate children, tbh. You do realise lots of couples on here are (happily) unmarried and love their (illegitimate) children, right?

And, tbh, I don't see why this child shouldn't have his father's name. Lots of children have their father's name, whether or not their parents are or ever were married.

(What does OW stand for?)

NotQuiteCockney · 02/06/2007 13:52

Ah, OW = 'other woman'.

KerryMum · 02/06/2007 13:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lulumama · 02/06/2007 13:55

Macdoodle

Have read your other thread too

Firstly i want to say I am really sorry you are in this situation

But you are directing your anger at the wrong person

Your DH is the father of this unborn baby, and he should step up to the plate and be responsible

He has strung two women along, and yet you are angry at her and an unborn child, not him?

What about your DHs selfish immature games...telling you he wants to make a go of it, and then getting someone else pregnant?

He could have kept it in his pants or used a condom, but he took a risk and he has landed in the shit, and he needs to deal with it

the unborn child is not to blame, and the surname issue is a convenient way to direct your anger away from the core of the issue

which is your DH has lied to you, cheated on you, got someone else pregnant and used you