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Original poster

Surnames of illegitimate children?

180 replies

macdoodle · 02/06/2007 13:00

Not mine - if anyone has seen my previous postings they will know that DH lunatic ex OW (another story not the current discussion please)...is about 4 weeks off giving birth to his illegitimate child
Things have been bitter angry and twisted to say the least (not least because I am due with DH second LEGITIMATE child in dec)-
we have been married 8 years I use his name as does DD (obviously as we are married)..
Lunatic ex OW was divorced from her DH about 18 months ago I think but as far as I know still uses her married name as in Mrs XXX ..
Ok all clear...
anyhows turns out she wants to use my DH surname as her childs surname (now birth cert I have no problem with as I think child has right to know who its parents are) - but why on earth would you want your child to have the name of a man who treated you like shit, who you stalked and manipulated, got pregnant on purpose (she did) and all along has tried to go back to his wife ...why would you want your child to have a different name to you, a man who you never lived with (other than the odd week here and there in friends rooms etc), you were never married to or even talked about marriage, who you have known less than a year when you trapped him into a child he didn't want, why would you still use the name of youe ex DH when he left you for another woman and you have no children together...
I know I sound angry and I bloody am - the only reason I can see for her to do it - is to manipulate my DH and make him feel bad and more importantly to piss me off and humiliate me - god I hate this woman and her selfish immature games - again she shows no concern for the children involved in this mess (mine really) but also her little bugger who she uses as a tool to get at DH before it is even born...
So am I just blinded by my anger or is it reasonable to expect to use his name what would others do - personally I would want to have the same name as my DC and that is never going to happen !! [angry}

OP posts:
zookeeper · 02/06/2007 19:25

aggree with ranting - algonebelly up I hope if the handsome paragon of virtue thatis your dh lapses one day people treat you rather more kindly than you have the op.

TaylorsMummy · 02/06/2007 19:25

the legitimate and illegitimate bit in captials is what's pissed people off macdoodle.it doesn't make your kids any more worthy of having a father,cos they were concieved in marriage sorry but your husband is a bull shitter.you say they aren't/weren't in any kind of relationship,well,clearly they were.and you say she got pregnant on purpose.how do you know that? she could have been on the pill,it does fail sometimes.he's probably given her all the same crap he's given you.he's sound like a total arse imo.you should get rid of him and get on with your own life.you are so caught up in jealousy and bitterness for this woman and her child,it is not good for any of you.take a massive step back.how do you know he didn't tell her he was going to leave you? how do you know they didn't plan this baby? sorry,i know it's very hard,really,but you are making it worse for yourself with your bitterness.

isheisnthe · 02/06/2007 19:28

for god sake all of you - get a grip! being "legitmate ot illegimate" makes no odds - I have been told (by the registrar!) that my children - even tho regitstered with their fathers name would be "bastards" until we married and re-registered them.

Tell DH not to go to register them if you feel so stringly about the name - she can not give the child his surname without him present unless she has a marriage certificate.

I guess, through no fault of my own 0 my children will cary the stamp of illegimatacy until they are old! Stop givin maccy heaps - she is angry and maybe said things in the wrong way - I would be pissed off too if i was her

mylittlestar · 02/06/2007 19:29

allieBongo you have amazing strength to feel that you would just get rid of someone that easily (and that is not sarcasm - I really do wish I was that strong), but you cannot judge people for the way they deal with betrayal and the aftermath. Really.

My dad had an affair, I have an amazing brother I never knew about until 2 years ago because of 'another' affair my dad had... the list goes on... I too felt just like you. It was the one thing I would never forgive.

Then my H had an affair and I tried with everything I had to keep him and keep my family together.

My point is - You never know how you'll feel unless you're in that exact situation. We know nothing of macdoodles life and have not lived in her shoes

allieBongo · 02/06/2007 19:29

further down she does say that she was confused with the terminology.

allgonebellyup · 02/06/2007 19:29

hey im not saying my dh is perfect, cos nobody is, im just saying the OP shouldnt take her anger out on the innocent child here, when actually she should be showing her dh the door.

allieBongo · 02/06/2007 19:30

i'm not judging, I just feel she deserves better, and that she is capable of far more than she gives herself credit for. I could not forgive this sort of betrayl, but we are all different.

mylittlestar · 02/06/2007 19:34

off out now macdoodle but hope you're ok and will check up tomorrow. take care xx

mylittlestar · 02/06/2007 19:35

( btw allie I do agree, she definitely deserves better. much much better xx )

allieBongo · 02/06/2007 19:37

have a nice evening MLS. Hope you feel a little better macdoodle

Original poster
macdoodle · 02/06/2007 20:02

well we have gone off on a tangent so I think i will bow out now - I really am not sure where in all of this I took it out on her innocent child (when how) I think I have been reasonably mature and understanding...am saddened by lack of sympathy for my DC (not me of course why should I expect sympathy of course must somehow have been my fault)...
Before this happened to me I too was smug in my marriage and trust for DH and very certain that I would end marriage if he ever cheated - of course the reality is very different it doesn't pay to be self righteous ....the old saying never judge someone until you walk a mile in their shoes holds true...
I still find MN full on quite righteous mums (who are usually long timers) and quite quick to jump on bandwagon and be quite venomous - but hey ho guessed I asked for it - sympathy for OW shocks me a bit not sure what you expect if you go after a married man ??? And of course she got PG on purpose give me a break she managed not too until DH made it clear she was just a bit of fun and he wanted his family back - sure I have been stupid but I had a family a past and my DD father to lose - she had nothing to lose or gain but still went for him IMHO she deserved all she got but I didn't
ML thanks have a good night

OP posts:
Original poster
macdoodle · 02/06/2007 20:04

Oh and don't really want better would rather be alone TBH but can't get rid of the plonker he keeps coming back like a bad bloody penny

OP posts:
CarGirl · 02/06/2007 20:17

just a bizarre thought perhaps your dh could fight for custody of said child - wondered if it would make nutty OW run a mile??????

I have know a few mentally unstable people in my time so you really do have my sympathy as OW sounds a shocking nutcase, perhaps a phone call to social services about her ability to look after the emotional well being of her child - seriously, is she capable of loving her child in it's own right and not just a something to try and lure your (d)h?????????????? Perhaps this would give her something to think about other than your dh???

Hope things improve soon, sounds like your life is completely on hold as it's not decided whether you and dh will be together in the future or not.

MissGolightly · 02/06/2007 20:37

"perhaps a phone call to social services about her ability to look after the emotional well being of her child"

I am sorry but I don't think that being pregnant, in a shitty relationship and losing control over your texting finger for a while is grounds to have your child taken into care.

Clearly the OW is not behaving well but I am truly shocked that you could suggest tactics like this Cargirl.

Come on, the real issue here is the man who deliberately had an affair, failed to use contraception and impregnated his wife and his lover at the same time, and then lied to both about the circumstances.

MissGolightly · 02/06/2007 20:39

(and I am sorry you have been given a hard time on this thread Macdoodle. You are in a horrible situation and deserve sympathy whatever people think of the OP.)

beckybrastraps · 02/06/2007 20:40

Sorry Macdoodle.

You're pregnant, your dh is an arse and this is in all ways a crappy situation.

Shouldn't have had a go.

(And isheisthe, the registrar called your children what?)

Original poster
macdoodle · 02/06/2007 20:42

Actually impregnated us about 6 months apart LOL which is about how long it took me to have a tiny bit of trust in him and FWIW I really didn't do it on purpose we had prev tried for 3 years for DC2 with no luck even despite some clomid and lots of timing so I guess I kinda thought it was me that couldn't get PG the timing was out and it was about the second time we had slept together in 6/12 sometimes life throws a curveball huh ..
Oh I won't phone SS of course guess she can look after her DC however she pleases but would guess she will stop and start access as the mood takes her which is sad for DH and her DC of course ....she has already said to me with very sly/smug smile that of course DH would have to be alone with her in order to see her baby as it will not be able to be aprt from its mother when its tiny - the implication being very clear and it is her games that I am so very tired off

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 02/06/2007 20:45

I've only read the OP.

She 'manipulated' him and 'trapped' him into getting her pregnant?

Why would she want to use his surname for her child?

Why would any women in her right mind want to stay with an utter tosser like him is my question?

Original poster
macdoodle · 02/06/2007 20:46

oh and if you haven't guessed she is about 10 years younger than me - I am mid 30's DH is early 40's (but not prettier I don't think LOL) but quite a needy dependant type which I guess DH wanted/needed I am very strong and independant and don't really "need" him - anyway thats how he "explains" it

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 02/06/2007 20:48

That's a great excuse for cheating on your pregnant wife when she was undergoing treatment for fertility problems.

Yeah.

FWIW, I'd toss his book ass out and give my child MY maiden name.

newlifenewname · 02/06/2007 20:48

Wow! So the poor unborn child will feel the full force of your wrath once born by the sounds of things. Your DH is the biggest twat, the OW the second and the LEGITIMATE child (because every child is worthy and legitimate - what antiquated and offensive terminology) is wholly innocent and deserves the name of his father formally/informally/whatever he chooses if that child so wishes.

You sound as though delusion has aided some sort of forgiveness of your dh. I doubt very much it comes down to one woman's lunacy and has everything to do with the fact that this OW and your dh have very little respect for you and your dd.

That sounds very harsh, but then so does your thinking with regard to the OW and her child in the light of your dh's behaviour.

Saturn74 · 02/06/2007 20:49

macdoodle
You really have got a lot to cope with.
I truly hopes your DH sorts himself out and faces his responsibilities.
I hope you have a trouble-free pregnancy, and you and your DCs are able to find some peace amongst the complications.

beckybrastraps · 02/06/2007 20:50

God MacD - he does sound rather pathetic...

Original poster
macdoodle · 02/06/2007 20:50

Gosh expat that was really my original point - he really did treat her appallingly (in some ways worse than me - a bit of fun a good shag an adoring bit of fluff to be thrown away when he realised he might lose his family) it was hard for me to walk away (as mentioned 10 years house business and most important DD) - she chose not to walk way after 3 months when his double lies became apparant but instead chose to get PG and now wants his name ???

OP posts:
CarGirl · 02/06/2007 20:50

MissG - I honestly do think the OW in this has some very serious mental health issues and I really do wonder whether she is capable of putting her child to be first. The history of what OW (if I'm remembering correctly) is very bunny boiler.

I think the OW needs a good shake into realising that she must think about her and baby's future not just about winning her lover back etc.

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