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Original poster

Surnames of illegitimate children?

180 replies

macdoodle · 02/06/2007 13:00

Not mine - if anyone has seen my previous postings they will know that DH lunatic ex OW (another story not the current discussion please)...is about 4 weeks off giving birth to his illegitimate child
Things have been bitter angry and twisted to say the least (not least because I am due with DH second LEGITIMATE child in dec)-
we have been married 8 years I use his name as does DD (obviously as we are married)..
Lunatic ex OW was divorced from her DH about 18 months ago I think but as far as I know still uses her married name as in Mrs XXX ..
Ok all clear...
anyhows turns out she wants to use my DH surname as her childs surname (now birth cert I have no problem with as I think child has right to know who its parents are) - but why on earth would you want your child to have the name of a man who treated you like shit, who you stalked and manipulated, got pregnant on purpose (she did) and all along has tried to go back to his wife ...why would you want your child to have a different name to you, a man who you never lived with (other than the odd week here and there in friends rooms etc), you were never married to or even talked about marriage, who you have known less than a year when you trapped him into a child he didn't want, why would you still use the name of youe ex DH when he left you for another woman and you have no children together...
I know I sound angry and I bloody am - the only reason I can see for her to do it - is to manipulate my DH and make him feel bad and more importantly to piss me off and humiliate me - god I hate this woman and her selfish immature games - again she shows no concern for the children involved in this mess (mine really) but also her little bugger who she uses as a tool to get at DH before it is even born...
So am I just blinded by my anger or is it reasonable to expect to use his name what would others do - personally I would want to have the same name as my DC and that is never going to happen !! [angry}

OP posts:
Original poster
macdoodle · 02/06/2007 16:28

Not actually taken him back yet - though we are trying he has got a lot to prove and I have a lot of anger to work through not sure if I can at all not sure if he can change enough - and TBH not sure if I can deal with his other child or the lunatic ex OW - some days I wish he would just go and be with her and then I could move on ...but of course life is never that simple

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AbRoller · 02/06/2007 16:32

By the looks of things this baby isn't going to feel like I did - my father never tried! Your dh is and that will make a big difference to this child growing up and as an adult. There is unfortunately nothing you can do about who his/her mother is but can play a big part in ensuring this child feels wanted and loved by his/her father. I never felt wanted by mine, thats where a lot of hurt stems from.

Anyway enough about me - try to concentrate, as others have said, on yourself and your own pregnancy and dd. ex ow is going through her own problems and no matter what her motives are or how she chooses to project them just continue to seek access and rise above the rest.

allieBongo · 02/06/2007 16:43

i do feel bad for you macdoodle. i'm sure you are a an excellent mum, and would be fine without him.

Boredveryverybored · 02/06/2007 16:58

My dd has her dads surname (we're not married) and on order for that to happen he had to e with me to register the birth otherwise dd would have had to have had my name.
So I think unless your DH is going to go to the registers office with her she can't use his surname.

hth

allgonebellyup · 02/06/2007 17:46

who gives a flying fuck if a child is legitimate or illegitimate??????????????
What fucking century are we living in here?

Your dh's child with the other woman is EVERY bit as important as the child you will be having. the poor thing, you labelling it ILLEGITIMATE in capitals as if its so fucking important.
Sort your "Dh" (not so "darling", eh?!)out and leave this poor innocent child alone. Your dh made the child, nobody forced him to,dont take your anger out on the woman and her little baby.

Who gives a fuck if your child is legitimate anyway??? does that make it more superior then? i didnt realise...

allgonebellyup · 02/06/2007 17:51

oh and on your other thread, i loved the way you called her child "her brat". As if its the child's fault it was born. actually your wanker of a husband is responsible for that.

NAB3 · 02/06/2007 18:08

Maybe she wants to give the baby his father's surname because he is the father? And no other reason.

Original poster
macdoodle · 02/06/2007 18:10

Actually it is very much her fault a child conceived on purpose to serve her own selfish needs lovely - I am more than entitled to be angry at her - her behaviour is appalling in the extreme - BTW you don't happen to be an OW who didn't get her own way and whose stolen man went back to his family - sour grapes on your part - TO ME my dc are far more important than hers but lucky for her I intend to show hers more consideration than she showed mine -if I told DH (my business really to leave the D in or not I think)that if he wanted me back he could not see her dc he would agree as he has said he will do anything - however I am not happy to do that to an oinnocent child no matter how demented and abusive to me its lunatic mother is.....so take your vitriol somewhere else this is not the place to defend the OW (I have take all the defence of her child gracefully and reasonably but don't you dare come and preach to em how blameles she is cos she aint not from the very first second she set her greedy little cuckoo sights on someone elses husband and father)!!

OP posts:
beckybrastraps · 02/06/2007 18:11

The whole "in loving relationships" mullarkey doesn't help. That doesn't make a child any more worthy you know

Original poster
macdoodle · 02/06/2007 18:12

NAB3 would be nice to think that and that we could all be adult and reasonable and all 3 DC have a relationship - from bitter bitter experience this woman does nothing without some selfish manipulative end to it - I have been on the receiving end of her games far too many times for that

OP posts:
harman · 02/06/2007 18:13

Message withdrawn

mylittlestar · 02/06/2007 18:14

In macdoodle's defense - It is not always easy to convey what you mean on a web site, and when consumed with such anger and hurt, it is extra difficult. Please do not get angry with her for the terms she has used or the way she has conveyed what she is going through.
MN is an excellent way of getting out your anger and frustrations, especially when it is difficult in RL. Please do not judge. Even if people have been through similar things, we have not lived macdoodle's life and are not in her shoes right now.

Original poster
macdoodle · 02/06/2007 18:14

No one said anything about worthy - I think I have been clear I would not think of depriving her child of its father (though I could if I wanted to be vindictive) - but why try and hurt me and my dc even more than she has seems selfish and pointless and makes things even more difficult than they already are - her point exactly !

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NAB3 · 02/06/2007 18:15

This child has a right to his/her father's name!!!

lulumama · 02/06/2007 18:15

if he is going to take responsibility, then why not his name? not having his name does not make him any less responsible or any less of the child's father

harman · 02/06/2007 18:17

Message withdrawn

Original poster
macdoodle · 02/06/2007 18:17

Unfortunately my concern she is already threatening to stop contact to her dc before it is even born and TBH before DH has even done anything ... she still wants DH and failing that she doesn't want me to have him she really doesn't care about the dc - she sat and listened to my DD begging her daddy to come home and offered him a blow job (and more ) to stay with her - nice lady no doubt she will have as much concern for her own DC ....

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donnie · 02/06/2007 18:18

good God. I have just read this thread and am speechless at the language used - referring to children as either 'legitimate' or 'illegitimate', as well as the unborn child as 'her little bugger'. And you expect sympathy?????

mylittlestar · 02/06/2007 18:18

macdoodle FWIW I think you seem to realise the child is not to blame and have accepted those comments very well.

When my dh's ow was pregnant I really did want the child to be part of ours, and especially my ds's life. Children do bring so much joy. And like I said on my own thread, it's the child's selfish perents that are to blame, not the innocent baby itself

I really feel for you as it really does seem like she is using this innocent child as a bargaining tool and already trying to manipulate your dh even before it is born

This is a time when your dh should be giving you 100% attention, proving his love for you and doing everything he can to get his marriage back on track... but through his own inability to use a condom you now have the nightmare of dealing with a very nasty and manipulative ow who will be in your lives forever.

I really feel for you. I wish there was something I could say to help

beckybrastraps · 02/06/2007 18:18

No - I haven't been in her shoes. But I have been upset by the use of the word illegitimate in the past and just wanted to make her aware that it is a word with perjorative overtones.

And macdoodle it was you that said you did not intend to offend anyone in loving relationships who are not married, but in reality it is more often children born outside those relationships who are stigmatised in this way. And it is not on.

Anyway....
Hope things get better for you soon.

lulumama · 02/06/2007 18:20

It is time for your DH to make it clear that any arrangements need to be made through a solicitor...then it is all less personal, and there is no need for contact between them

Original poster
macdoodle · 02/06/2007 18:21

Grrrr I am not talking about rights I know I can't stop her - I am talking about motives morality reasons - ughh
Oh and thanks MLS
I have already apologised about calling her child brat and haven't done again and more than once have said am not angry at child or intend to do anything to hurt it or deprive it of its father (no matter how hard that might be for ME or MY DC no real concern here for them ???)
But I am pretty sure I am allowed to eb angr at her whyever not she knew he was married knew he was trying to work it out but pursued him vigourously surely they are both to blame??? And getting pregnant on purpose to trap a man is that admirable in any way???

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lulumama · 02/06/2007 18:21

she is a woman scorned, as you are, and she is going to use every trick to get him back...that doesn;t mean she doesn;t love her baby

your DH is the prime mover here,he has created this situation, and he need to take stock of the havoc he has wrought. If he has lied to you , he has lied to her. the children are the innocent bystanders and need protecting.

Saturn74 · 02/06/2007 18:23

She couldn't have got pregnant on purpose if your DH had taken the responsibility to use contraception.
I understand why you are so angry at this woman, but IMO your DH needs to formalise arrangements to take financial care of all his offspring, and stop stringing you all along.

Original poster
macdoodle · 02/06/2007 18:25

Solicitor done letter sent all quiet so far we will see...
Come on if you read the whole thread I have APOLOGISED I think I said brat not bugger but I said sorry really I was angry - as far as I am aware illegitimate is not derogatory and was not meant to be - I am not angry at child just her and would like her DC to be part of DH and my DC life not mine but do not think will be possible...
And sympathy nope don't remember asking for it not once !

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