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Original poster

Surnames of illegitimate children?

180 replies

macdoodle · 02/06/2007 13:00

Not mine - if anyone has seen my previous postings they will know that DH lunatic ex OW (another story not the current discussion please)...is about 4 weeks off giving birth to his illegitimate child
Things have been bitter angry and twisted to say the least (not least because I am due with DH second LEGITIMATE child in dec)-
we have been married 8 years I use his name as does DD (obviously as we are married)..
Lunatic ex OW was divorced from her DH about 18 months ago I think but as far as I know still uses her married name as in Mrs XXX ..
Ok all clear...
anyhows turns out she wants to use my DH surname as her childs surname (now birth cert I have no problem with as I think child has right to know who its parents are) - but why on earth would you want your child to have the name of a man who treated you like shit, who you stalked and manipulated, got pregnant on purpose (she did) and all along has tried to go back to his wife ...why would you want your child to have a different name to you, a man who you never lived with (other than the odd week here and there in friends rooms etc), you were never married to or even talked about marriage, who you have known less than a year when you trapped him into a child he didn't want, why would you still use the name of youe ex DH when he left you for another woman and you have no children together...
I know I sound angry and I bloody am - the only reason I can see for her to do it - is to manipulate my DH and make him feel bad and more importantly to piss me off and humiliate me - god I hate this woman and her selfish immature games - again she shows no concern for the children involved in this mess (mine really) but also her little bugger who she uses as a tool to get at DH before it is even born...
So am I just blinded by my anger or is it reasonable to expect to use his name what would others do - personally I would want to have the same name as my DC and that is never going to happen !! [angry}

OP posts:
Original poster
macdoodle · 02/06/2007 18:29

ooh wondered when financial care would come in - this should be very interesting - we have good lifestyle but based on my income we own a few properties IN JOINT names and DH business is not actaully breaking even yet so his income is less than zero despite nice car house and holidays (all mine on my income) - so another little dilemma really -CSA wil give her pretty much nothing based on his income - an informal agreement will be kinder to her no doubt - from my generosity really (which I am not prepared to do - resent supporting DH enought at moment not supporting her as well) .....

OP posts:
Peachy · 02/06/2007 18:30

Hi

I am coming into this late I KNow (and thankful of it as I get to see all the messages / explanations)

My personal feeling is that I would let the children have a relationship. It will happen anyway- if not now, when they are teens, and they will use it as a way to get at you if you allow it (as teens almost always do).

I can think of only one similar situaton, albeit eventually Dad left wife to go to the OW. First wife naturally loathes now- wife 32 but their children have a wonderful realtinship and see each other as simply siblings. The sad genesis of the situation is not really discussed (although eldest is in his 20's now and has a 4 year old himself (youngest child with new-wife is 2)and must realise). Somwhow through strength of spirit (and I epect ehartbreak at times) the women have managed to retain their silence about how they feel about each other for the sake of the children, despite a mutual hatred (interestingly they didnt get on before this situation).

I suspect this situation will continue to evolve for a few decads yet and at some point your own input will be replaced by that of the children themselves, however my eprsonal feeling is I would want to keep the lines of communication between famillies open at the very least (by family in her case I mean mum and child, not your DH, who naturally has an input in anyc ase).

Saturn74 · 02/06/2007 18:32

I guess that your DH will have to put his business on hold, and get a job that does earn him some money?

Peachy · 02/06/2007 18:32

You wouldnt be supporting her, but the baby. I can see your point though- although my inclination would be to tell him to eitehr make a profit or get a jobb that pays, as he seems perfectly prepared to create extra outgoings. I would never see a child go short though, if I could avoid it.

allgonebellyup · 02/06/2007 18:47

Er no sweetheart, i have never been the "other woman", nor am i bitter about anything.
i actually go out with decent men, not tossers who sleep around.

Its you who is bitter because your darling hubbie shagged someone else and made them pregnant.
Dont take you anger out on the poor innocent little baby who is caught up in all of this.

allgonebellyup · 02/06/2007 18:50

And who cares if she set her eyes on your dh, he should have had the balls to say no. But no, he didnt. His fault entirely, in my book. She had nothing to lose - he did.

Plenty of woman have made it clear they fancied my dh like mad.
He chose to do nothing about it. Thats what decent men and fathers do.

FrannyandZooey · 02/06/2007 18:50

If my dp had fathered another child by a different woman when in a relationship with me I think the last thing I would be worried about was what she was going to call it, personally

allgonebellyup · 02/06/2007 18:51

same as franny

KerryMum · 02/06/2007 18:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lulumama · 02/06/2007 18:54

your DH really has it made !

Got his mistress pregnant, whilst telling you he was going to make a go of things with you, you support the family, and keep everyone in a lovely manner, whilst he has carte blanche to do what he wants!

agree with franny, the name of the child is the least of your worries

FrannyandZooey · 02/06/2007 18:56

However in reality I would probably be flailing around in a hurt way just as the OP seems to be doing

I do feel for your situation, but honestly think this name thing is a red herring. What is important is the relationship or non-relationship between you and your dh, and the relationship that he will or will not have with your own child. I would concentrate on that, not on what she is doing.

motherinferior · 02/06/2007 18:56

I also wouldn't, I'm afraid, believe a word he says.

Am absolutely in agreement with allgonebellyup and F&Z.

goingfor3 · 02/06/2007 19:01

You're trying to make things work with your husband maybe the other woman also holds out the smae kind of hope that you do that they can have a relationship together again. Or maybe she doesn't want to give her child her ex husbands name which she still carries and wants your husband to accept his responsibities as the childs father.

zookeeper · 02/06/2007 19:05

I have a lot of sympathy for youas you are in a really difficult position and it's certainly not going to get any easier.

The ex does sound manipulative but she has every right to want to give her child the father's name.

The babies are the innocents in all this - it's unrealistic to say that the child of the OW can have a relationship with your child and her father and not with you.

Try to rise above it all - if she sees less of a reaction from you she might back off.

You definitely sound as though you need to redirect the anger becasue you are going to make that little child feel just like you did when you were growing up.

It's going to take a superhauman effor to get over your justified feelings of anger and frustration but you have to put both babies first.

PaleHeadedBrushFinch · 02/06/2007 19:12

think the term illegitimate, when referring to children (and in this case an unborn, couldnt possibly be more innocent, child) is disgusting.

think the child has every right to have its fathers name or mothers name or whatever. and since it currently lives in her womb, not yours, its not really any of your business! harsh, but true.

also think that there was undoubtedly more to yr dh and OW's relationship than you express if there was time spent in other peoples flat's and a year of seeing each other.

whatever 'games' she is playing, you are certainly playing too... and whats more, you seem to have won. so i doubt that she feels she has any power at all to humiliate you.

jeez, what a mess.

mylittlestar · 02/06/2007 19:12

macdoodle don't forget about your baby in all of this. you are pregnant too and should really be looking after yourself - this is not good for you

agree with F&Z in that the name is the least of your worries.

maybe try to focus on that to help direct your anger in the right way and start to look to the future... one way or another you all have to get through this.

But I want to say that in your position you have every right to feel the way you do.

allgonebellyup I think your posts are a bit harsh tbh. show me one person who deliberately goes out to marry a 'tosser who sleeps around'! We put our trust in people and like you, want to believe things will never go wrong. But people make mistakes. People change. People can turn out to be complete sh*t bags. In RL things go wrong! I took your post to be suggesting that you are somehow superior to macdoodle beacuse you select partners who do not sleep around....
We all try to do that!
Please remember she is not to blame for her husbands actions!

Original poster
macdoodle · 02/06/2007 19:13

allgonebellyup frankly I find your comments neither helpful or useful are you so sure of your Dh doesn't sound ike it to me but then I would not judge someones elses relationship from the outside ...
As to her wanting a relationship with Dh thought I was clear that is exactly what she wants and doesn't care how many children (her own included) she has to hurt...
Oh DH is wanker in extreme I am not stupid - we have however been together 10 years have lot of time and property/business invested 2 children now and good times as well - I had filed for divorce he begged to come back and I had to look again (don't be so quick as to judge how you would behave in my situation and no matter how nasty the comments I would not wish my last year on anyone)....OW however had a 3 month affair with a married man yes he lied to her but as said i have seen her letter texts and voicemails she pursued him in the extreme and continued to do so up to getting pregnant - yes DH lied and manipulated both of us but that is up to us o work out of we can - she has acted with a complete and utter lack of morality and dignity...and not sure how anyone can defend her actions?? Unless they have behaved in the same way - I once saw a man with a GF (who I didn't know about at time) when I find out I told him where to go loudly !! And when he tried to getme into sack again I told him to take a flying leap INHO that is the right way to act - she had nothing to lose but was happy to cause untold hurt to me and DD ...... I don't seen how it is in any way my responsibilty to see her child not go without...why should I care if DH can't support her that is her problem (and his assumably surely) but not mine - and up tome if I am happy to support him but surely NO one thinks I need to support her baby as well???

OP posts:
Otter · 02/06/2007 19:14

find the title offensive - will not read any further

lulumama · 02/06/2007 19:14

your DH needs to support this child

that is the long and short of it

rantinghousewife · 02/06/2007 19:20

I think some of you on here, seem to have lost your marbles, allgonebellyup, you seem to forget that the poor wife is also a victim in all of this and it never pays to be too smug imo, it might come back to bite you on the bum. Fwiw, if the ow knew the man was married she should have stayed away, that makes the fault 50-50 between her and him, as far as I can see. And can anyone on here, honestly say they would feel any different if they were in this position?

motherinferior · 02/06/2007 19:21

I don't think she is being smug, at all.

And I also don't think the blame is 50/50, come to that. I think he's worse.

allieBongo · 02/06/2007 19:22

well, he would have been out the door permanently so it wouldn't have been a prob for me

allieBongo · 02/06/2007 19:23

and if she felts she had one by winning this pig from his wife then she deserves him

rantinghousewife · 02/06/2007 19:24

Motherinferior, you may not feel that way if it happened to you, tho'.

mylittlestar · 02/06/2007 19:24

rantinghousewife I think you're right.

motherinferior you think this post is not smug...

" I actually go out with decent men, not tossers who sleep around.

Its you who is bitter because your darling hubbie shagged someone else and made them pregnant. "

Really ladies. Macdoodle doesn't need that right now. Please, help in a constructive way if you can, but please don't kick someone when they are living through hell, and also pregnant themselves. She doesn't need this right now