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Original poster

Surnames of illegitimate children?

180 replies

macdoodle · 02/06/2007 13:00

Not mine - if anyone has seen my previous postings they will know that DH lunatic ex OW (another story not the current discussion please)...is about 4 weeks off giving birth to his illegitimate child
Things have been bitter angry and twisted to say the least (not least because I am due with DH second LEGITIMATE child in dec)-
we have been married 8 years I use his name as does DD (obviously as we are married)..
Lunatic ex OW was divorced from her DH about 18 months ago I think but as far as I know still uses her married name as in Mrs XXX ..
Ok all clear...
anyhows turns out she wants to use my DH surname as her childs surname (now birth cert I have no problem with as I think child has right to know who its parents are) - but why on earth would you want your child to have the name of a man who treated you like shit, who you stalked and manipulated, got pregnant on purpose (she did) and all along has tried to go back to his wife ...why would you want your child to have a different name to you, a man who you never lived with (other than the odd week here and there in friends rooms etc), you were never married to or even talked about marriage, who you have known less than a year when you trapped him into a child he didn't want, why would you still use the name of youe ex DH when he left you for another woman and you have no children together...
I know I sound angry and I bloody am - the only reason I can see for her to do it - is to manipulate my DH and make him feel bad and more importantly to piss me off and humiliate me - god I hate this woman and her selfish immature games - again she shows no concern for the children involved in this mess (mine really) but also her little bugger who she uses as a tool to get at DH before it is even born...
So am I just blinded by my anger or is it reasonable to expect to use his name what would others do - personally I would want to have the same name as my DC and that is never going to happen !! [angry}

OP posts:
Peachy · 02/06/2007 22:26

That must have been ahrd childhood, DH is going through similar with his parents now and its bad enough for an adult who lives miles away!

You do have a choice though about your relationships- I know thats easy to say and hard to live, honestly I do- but if this marriage does break down ( can you really live a whole life this way? If so you're MUCH mroe determined than I am) you don't have to replicate your childhood.

Are you getting individual counselling as wella s couples therapy?

Carmenere · 02/06/2007 22:28

Well McDoodle, my heart goes out to you, you poor thing BUT I think you would do well to leave 'd'h where he is for a couple of years. Tbh he really and truly doesn't deserve your support and definitely not your financial support. Let him get a job to support all his dc's, yours too, and that is only on the way to being a decent father. Then let him build a relationship with his other new baby, independently of you for a couple of years. Then maybe he would be a decent father, then maybe he will have demonstrated his sincerity to you. then perhaps see if you want him back in your life.

Original poster
macdoodle · 02/06/2007 22:31

carmen very sensible I agree will you come and talk to DH pleeeease
we never get anywhere he turns it all around begs me not to leave him and I just have my head in knots TBH I do love him and care about him but am pretty much at end of tether - a fact he either doesn't realise or choses to ignore..and thats without the complications of lunatic exOW

OP posts:
Peachy · 02/06/2007 22:32

The Dad I mentioned earlier (who is a very good mate actually) has 2 jobs to support his 2 famillies- one 9 - 5 and then an evvening one

says its his kid, his duty

respect

Carmenere · 02/06/2007 22:35

Seriously though, think about just cutting off from him for a while, possibly until the baby is about to arrive. Concentrate on you and dd and new baby, let him sort her out. Use him as babysitting for dd so you can put your feet up occasionally. Stop interacting with HIS problems. Let HIM deal with them for a while. He either will go with her or not, not much you can do either ways. Time to be selfish my dear. Let him stew, give yourself a mental holiday(or a real one would actually be a good idea)

ScummyMummy · 02/06/2007 22:49

What a horrible situation, macdoodle. The surface facts as you have set them down makes it seem a no brainer to award your husband the lion's share of the blame and kick him to the kerb but it can't be that simple, I guess, or you would have done it. And even if you were able to do it, you would still be feeling utterly bereft, humiliated and dreadful, I'm sure. I know I would feel absolutely gutted and upset to the very core of my being if this had happened to me. You have been through a crockful of real shite, imo and I feel very sorry for you. I'm not surprised you are full of rage and distress. There wouldn't really be any other appropriate response. You are hardly going to be delighted and partying and planning to be best friends with the other woman and her baby, are you? I think people are pretty much programmed to hate their rivals and it's extremely hard to rise above that. Feeling the heightened emotions and vulnerability of pregnancy can't help either. I have no advice on the name situation and don't think there's much you can do about it. I do share other posters' dislike of the illegitimate/legitimate distinction. But I really hope things get better for you- you really are in a seriously unenviable position and it must be bloody hard.

divastrop · 02/06/2007 22:50

having the baby might be a wake-up call for her,she might realise in a moment of sanity that your dh is actually a complete arse and that she loves her baby and doesnt want him to be in her child's life.

maybe you will realise the same when you have calmed down and start to feel strong again.

i do think that being pregnant makes women feel and act more needy in some situations,and that things change after the baby is born.

personally,i can see your dh ending up a sad,lonely old man.

Peachy · 02/06/2007 22:54

Yep would agree

I think its a survival thing in PG- no matter what you are faced with. probably useful aeons ago, but not so important now in relaity.

My guess is that this situation WILL reach a natural endpoint but not for a while, he ahs too much to lose and both women have enough to focus on for the moment.

zookeeper · 03/06/2007 09:46

well said scummymummy

Mrbatters · 03/06/2007 11:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NappiesGalore · 04/06/2007 20:44

i ahve a huge amount of respect for and agreement with scummymummys post. well done for being so astute, understanding and intelligent SM.

SummertimeBluesuedeShoes · 04/06/2007 21:51

Try and get over the name thing if you can - just in case she changes her name by deedpoll to your family's.

My mother was the OW (I think - ancient history we know very little about) and she did exactly that - she is Mrs XXX (my father's name) and we children have his name too altho they were never married.

The wife's daughter (my half sister) will not have anyhting to do with us - I would love to meet her and know the truth, it certianly wasn't we children's fault ..

I really feel for you and hope you can get through this, just wanted to mention what might happen so you can prepare for it...

Original poster
macdoodle · 04/06/2007 23:09

Sorry summertime that sounds like a pretty nasty thing to do - it wasn't the wife's fault either and I can imagine how she must have felt - TBH I am not sure about the half sib thing - my DD is old enough to know some of what has happened she knows enough to realise that another woman has "taken" her father I can't imagine her feeling kindly towards her but she is young ??? I have no idea how this will work out at one time I actaully thought that this could be half way civil with perhaps all the DC getting to know each other - the OW actions since then have led me to doubt that any type of relationship between any of us will be possible .... I can't see me ever trusting my DC within 10 miles of her....

OP posts:
jampot · 04/06/2007 23:22

going back to the original post, I think it is reasonable to expect their child to have its father's surname, im sure also she could change her name by deed poll so would be inclined to hold a candle to the devil in this case.

Carmenere · 04/06/2007 23:33

The greatest thing you will ever do McDoodle is separate your feelings of abondonment and betrayal from the relationship your dc's have with their father and their half sibling. Her dad hasn't left her, he loves her, no matter what happens between adults please don't tell your dd that her dad has left her. He may have left your home(in a bloody horrible way) but it doesn't mean that they can't have a good relationship.

My dp has a 16yr old dd that won't talk to him because her mum has totally brainwashed her and told her that he has stopped loving her when what had happened was that he had stopped loving her mum. It is a very very sad situation and my heart goes out to poor dsd who doesn't have the benefit of her dads love and support because of her mums selfish actions

Original poster
macdoodle · 04/06/2007 23:56

Well if you read whole thread (long I know) I have NEVER tried to "poison" my DD against her father no matter how hard - she is however a bright girl has heard some stonking fights overheard tel calls and knows some of whats gone on - I have told her throughout it all that daddy loves her and hasn't left her - it is the OW who I have no doubt will poison her DC against my DH me and my DC - it has already started and her child isn't even born yet I am not expecting her to suddenly change her colours either I have no doubt her selfish immature behaviour will continue and that is why my DC will never have anything to do with her

OP posts:
jampot · 05/06/2007 00:00

macdoodle- what will you do if your dh does want a relationship with the child? You will be its stepmother. Will you refuse him/her the chance to have a relationship with the rest of the family>?

Carmenere · 05/06/2007 00:05

Well you can't influence how others act, you are only responsible for your actions and I know that you are in the middle of hell atm. I wish you well.

Original poster
macdoodle · 05/06/2007 00:06

Well he does I know but OW won't let him if he is with me she has said also has threatened no acces at all if I am anywhere around makes it kinda difficult as he will have 2 DC with me - hence solicitor involved already at early stage - I am not sure how I will feel TBH - but as I said I had entertained remote hope that some semblence of normality could be maintained for all 3 DC - don't think she will let it though - TBH as I see it she sees a new born baby as an excuse to get DH alone and use against me - maybe my paranoia and insecurity but she has said as much to me

OP posts:
Original poster
macdoodle · 05/06/2007 00:09

On the other hand as mentioned she is young, her first child and alone - don't think she is going to feel much like offering him a BJ when he comes round (which again she has said to me with a "works every time" type comment) - she is about to get shock of her life not sure she even realises what looking after a newborn alone is like (I even feel a little sorry for her....NOT!!!!) She is about to get the worls biggest wake up call

OP posts:
Carmenere · 05/06/2007 00:15

But Mcdoodle, if he is going to cheat with ehr he is going to cheat with her, there is nothing you can do to stop it. If he wants to he will, so if you are willing to take him back be damned sure you can trust him and don't let him make a fool of you.

You know she might refuse access for a couple of years but eventually she will probably give up and let him see the baby alone or even with you. She may well need the break on school holidays ect. She may meet another man who doesn't want her dc around. The wind may just go out of her sails and she may even have a shred of decency and actually believe that her dc would benefit from a relationship with their father.

No one is 100 per cent bad, there may be a lonely terrified, hormonal and unhinged pregnant young woman behind the facade of evil ow. She may well mellow after a couple of months of sleepless nights.

Original poster
macdoodle · 05/06/2007 00:20

The sad thing is I hope she is lonely and terrified I really do and I know that is awful - but TBH the nights I sat sobbing trying to just hold it together until DD was asleep while she texted me what he was doing and other fucking nasty things I don't think I will ever forgive - and that was just the tip ...and she wasn't pregnant or hormonal then just selfish immature and destructive ......
As for DH well that is whole different thread really

OP posts:
Carmenere · 05/06/2007 00:24

Well as you said she has a pretty BIIIIGGG shock heading her way
G'night, try and get some rest
x

Anna8888 · 05/06/2007 07:38

macdoodle - relax. It's not such a big deal.

All over the world people have children in adulterous relationships. Outwardly decent, respectable people have them. People don't always talk about it and the information becomes a skeleton in the family closet. You are, luckily, in a situation where everybody knows what is happening. Luckily, most particularly, for the children involved.

All your DHs children deserve to have his surname if that is what their mothers want. They deserve to have both their parents' names on the birth certificate if that is what their mothers want.

You are, quite rightly, angry with your DH and angry with his ex. I would be too, in your position. But their child is innocent and does not deserve to have your anger directed at him/her.

BandofMothers · 05/06/2007 09:06

Well I suppose my 2 dd's are illegitimate really as DH and I are not actually married. I gave them his name as I thought we would eventually all have the same name, but I think that may only happen if I change my name by deed which I have thought about.
Unlike some of you though I don't really care what someone on here calls them. If they said it to them that would be different, but that is the actual term for it event though it's a bit dated in this day and age. The word bastard is also just the term for it, but in recent decades it has taken on a different meaning.

Do we all really have to be so touchy about terminology when a very stressed out, devastated, and let's not forget PREGNANT woman wants to rant on here because she can't in rl????
Let her get it out and try to feel better about it. If you don't like the title or OP then don't read it or just don't post.

Macdoodle, I hear where you're coming from, and that the fact that you posted this thread does not mean that you think the name of this baby is the biggest worry you have.
I hope youare okay as you can be and are taking care of yourself and your baby.
What a mess to be in. I hope you can get through it all with your sanity, dignity and as little damage to dd and dc2 as possible.
Good Luck. xx