Surnames of illegitimate children?

[macdoodle]

Not mine - if anyone has seen my previous postings they will know that DH lunatic ex OW (another story not the current discussion please)...is about 4 weeks off giving birth to his illegitimate child
Things have been bitter angry and twisted to say the least (not least because I am due with DH second LEGITIMATE child in dec)-
we have been married 8 years I use his name as does DD (obviously as we are married)..
Lunatic ex OW was divorced from her DH about 18 months ago I think but as far as I know still uses her married name as in Mrs XXX ..
Ok all clear...
anyhows turns out she wants to use my DH surname as her childs surname (now birth cert I have no problem with as I think child has right to know who its parents are) - but why on earth would you want your child to have the name of a man who treated you like shit, who you stalked and manipulated, got pregnant on purpose (she did) and all along has tried to go back to his wife ...why would you want your child to have a different name to you, a man who you never lived with (other than the odd week here and there in friends rooms etc), you were never married to or even talked about marriage, who you have known less than a year when you trapped him into a child he didn't want, why would you still use the name of youe ex DH when he left you for another woman and you have no children together...
I know I sound angry and I bloody am - the only reason I can see for her to do it - is to manipulate my DH and make him feel bad and more importantly to piss me off and humiliate me - god I hate this woman and her selfish immature games - again she shows no concern for the children involved in this mess (mine really) but also her little bugger who she uses as a tool to get at DH before it is even born...
So am I just blinded by my anger or is it reasonable to expect to use his name what would others do - personally I would want to have the same name as my DC and that is never going to happen !! [angry}

Yes, her DH does seem to be much more to blame here than anyone else.

Given that you know your DH lied to you about lots of this, how do you know he's telling the truth about any of the OW's behaviour? Who knows what sort of outrageous lies he told her about you!

Honestly, you both (and your kids) are the victims here ...

The child should have his or her father's surname if that is what the parents decide.
It is not the child's fault that his/her father was unfaithful.
It is obviously a very upsetting situation for the OP, and I can understand her anger, but I also feel for the poor child that is going to be born into this complicated and hostile environment.
"the only reason I can see for her to do it - is to manipulate my DH and make him feel bad and more importantly to piss me off and humiliate me" - or perhaps she just wants her child to have his/her father's surname?
What does your DH think about the naming situation?

Macdoodle, this thread has made me so sad. You are in a horrible situation and I truly feel for you, but I agree with others that you are directing your anger at entirely the wrong target - this poor innocent baby who will suffer this situation from the moment it is born.

Speaking as the mother of an "illegitimate" baby (ie DP and I are not married), I find your language and attitudes quite offensive actually. I knew that I wanted my DS to have his father's name from the word go, it is a powerful symbol of the relationship between them. So what other reasons could she have "to manipulate my DH and make him feel bad and more importantly to piss me off and humiliate me"? Well, a desire to be honest, a desire for her child to have an identity and know who his father is, a desire to feel as though the child belongs to two parents, a desire to strengthen the bonds between her baby and his father.

I realise there is infidelity involved here (which is not the case in my relationship) but this baby is as much your DH's child as your own children and nothing you or he or anyone can say or do will change that.

Agree with the others. Whatever anger you feel to your husband or this woman, it has nothing to do with this yet unborn child.

Using terms like brat and bugger in relation to a baby aren't going to get you much sympathy I'm afraid.

I think it's up to her what she calls her child, although personally I can't imagine wanting to give my child a different name to myself if I was not in a relationship with the father.

What a complicated and difficult situation for you all, and I completely understand why you are so angry, macdoodle.
However, I am assuming that reports of this woman's behaviour are coming from your DH?
I really think you need to have a very frank conversation with him about what he intends to do about the complicated mess he has created.
I think whether or not his child with this woman has his surname is entirely up to your DH and her.
Your comments re the other child are quite offensive, and I really think you are misdirecting your anger.
Your DH has a lot of thinking, explaining, and arranging of child support to do, and time is ticking.
I wish you and your children the best for the future, and I wish the same for the child of your husband's mistress.

erm, it's not the 1950s. We don't call children "illegitimate" anymore if their parents aren't married.

I find it odd that she is choosing to give the baby your dh's surname. If he cannot prevent that or doesn't want to prevent it, I'm afraid there is nothing you can do. I can certainly understand you feeling angry but maybe it is important to think of the child you're carrying right now who is having to go through all the bad emotions you are currently going through.

I can't judge your marriage but as a mother and a mother-to-be, I think perhaps you need to try and shut this other woman out and focus on yourself and your own dc for a while.

It's a horrible mess to have to live in. I think if I am really honest, in your shoes I would not contemplate my dc interacting with this other woman's dc even if my dh were the father. It may not be pc but I wouldn't do it. You are not a monster for hating/resenting her and letting it out here, if that helps. Good luck, maybe when both babies are here, things have calmed down a bit and the future may seem clearer to all involved. Hope so.

I understand why you are angry at the situation, but I really don't like the expression 'illegitimate'.

When I was growing up, the way it was used was the only thing that upset me about my family situation.

I thought OW meant "Old Witch" perhaps?

yes I am not impressed about the illegitimate children bit (dp and I not married)

sorry for your unhappy situation but as far as I can see it is up to this woman what name she gives her child

I can see it feels like she is rubbing your face in it

I agree with F&Z.

Both my children are illegitimate, btw.

And my daughter is 'illegitimate'. Although I'm fairly sure that I am legally allowed to have her

ok, I've calmed down - maybe a bit of my own misplaced anger.

I grew up with the 'illegitimate' label and it was deeply upsetting. My father, who I have just recently met for the second time (first time at 14yo for about 15mins) didn't put his name on my birth cert and we have only just received paternity results - 29 and I finally have my identity.

I was the 'conveniently forgotten' child and I still hold a lot of hurt towards my parents for the way they dealt with my coming into the world and their attitudes towards eachother being dumped on me.

I'm sorry if I reacted earlier in thread but really do hope you will see that this little baby has as much right to an identity and a daddy as any other.

I can also understand why you're angry and I hope you can all reach some resolution for the little people in your lives as well as yourselves. Good luck

I shoul say that I have grown up never kowing my biological father and am perfectly happy with that. But then my mum isn't a fruitcake...

oh well was half expecting - this don't really want to discuss DH and our situation (yes I am far more angry at him yes we are in counselling yes he is a twat of the highest order, there all happy) - this question was specifically about his surname and thoughts on it - yes my language may have been a bit over the top and I did not intend to offend anyone in LOVING RELATIONSHIPS who are not married with children sorry...
However my reports of this girls beahviour and motives are FIRST hand she has contacted me continues to try and manipulate me and him - when he ended it with her (finally and properly) he sent me every text she then sent him and forwarded every voicemail (not nice I know but he wanted to prove to me that it was not only him) and she is one seriously demented fruitcake - her texts vary from begging to vicious to filth to such depths even I was shocked (and I am no prude) to horrific slags on me and my daughter - she had assured him she was on the pill (ok yup he should have kept his dick in his pants but yup he is weak and boy did she throw all she had at him)
She is now already using her baby to hurt and manipulate him (nasty texts taunting him saying her baby will be calling for daddy and it won't be him..) she is a cow she knows how much she loves our DD and plans to use her child and hurt us all -
I have no doubt the desire to use his name is out of NO sense of decency or the right thing at all but a power game that she has played all along - I feel terribly sorry for her child (as I do mine but I know I am decent hardworking and will hopefully give my DC a decent life )I have NEVER slagged off DH in front of DD and tried my best to maintain their relationship to my own hurt sometimes and no one would have blamed me if I had, I never threatened to stop contact or hurt what they have but this little cow is already making threats and causing hurt to her child and to DH - to what end - well the only one I can see is her own selfish ends - I really don't care if she is hurt or sad (in fact I hope she is) she didn't care about me or my DC for one tiny second!
I had briefly entertained the hope that we could all be adult and civil and try and let DH and all 3 DC have a relationship of sorts (I don't want some poor kid (hers) to think its father didn't want it and whatever twat DH is he adores his DD and does want to be part of this other childs life) I can't see how she will allow it
And that is the anger - I was dreading it and she starts already now weeks before the poor child is even born - so what do we do now
DH has told her that we would prefer her not to use our name as it insensitive at best and cruel for all the DC (hers included) who knows what she will do - we have seen a solicitor at my suggestion that he sort out access etc properly and officially from the get go not depending on her games and how she feels and who she wants to hurt
Our relationship is another story and a another thread and who knows - I am trying v hard to concentrate on myself and my own DC but it is hard at times knowing that this lunatic will never be out of my life (never even if I don't take DH back as I am well aware of the link to my DC for ever)
And all because a man felt unloved and craved attention and managed to pick an immature selfish little girl to do it

oops sorry that was long ..
and also quickly I didn't actually mean the term illegitimate in a derogatory way (if I had I would have said bastard ) - I just thought it was correct term for a child who's parents aren't married - what would you have preferred I use??

why should there be a certain name for unmarried parents, we are not living in the dark ages. as long as a child has loving parents, it doesn't matter

oh god ok bugger the point is they are not in a loving relationship never mind a relationship of any type ??? So why the hell does she want to use his (and MY name) I know I wouldn't !!

While I do feel sorry for you, the mum can call her baby anything she wants and if your husband didn't want this woman to have a child with his surname then...

Just think of it like this, unless you have a completely unique surname, then there will be plenty of other children in the country who also share your husbands surname.

well I hope not as far as I know its just the one

i don't think there will be many macdoodle's though....

I think if she were wanting to do it for the right reasons ie identity, feeling of wholeness etc for their child then I would agree with it. It seems though from your last post (the long one ) that she is doing it just to piss you off. Hard as it is, try to rise above it, you don't need to be on her level. You have evidently dealt with more emotional, frustrating issues, you can deal with this. If it's a game for her, she'll soon get sick of playing by herself, don't feed into the plot.

Abroller - you are why I want this to work in some (any) way - I don't want a child of DH (even hers) to ever feel the way you do/did or to blame DH for that - despite his faults he is a loving dad - but I don't think she will allow any sort of normal relationship with any part of this (I continue to feel her main focus is to make me angry and hurt enough that I won't take DH back and he will fall into her arms and her child is just another tool to do this)

My sister had a child with a man whom she knew they wouldn't be together forever, she got pregnant accidentally & knew quite early on in the pregnancy that she didn't have a future with this man.

Therefore when her dd was born, she give her our surname [my maiden name]. Her dd carried her surname until she was 10 & her mum married a different man, niece now has sisters married name, so should they have any more children, she will have the same name as her siblings.

However, I do recall a conversation I had with a woman once. She had an affair with a married man & the result was a little boy. She just wanted to hurt the man as he hadn't left his wife & the wife took him back to try & work on their marriage, I remember the woman telling my friend & I that she had given her son the same name as the mans only son & the mans surname... there were only a few months between the boys & they were in the same class at school..with the same name She did it to spite the man & his wife without a single thought for the poor children involved.

So I wouldn't rule out the fact that she is doing this out of some kind of pay back

But OTOH I also know a woman who lives near my sister who has 4 kids with 4 different men & they all have their own dad's surname.

No doubt in my mind it is for spite and hurt and yup kids will be a year apart at school so why would she do it who benefits and who gets hurt

Well I may be in the minority here, but the Ow sounds not very mentally stable and actually I think I would feel the same as Macadoodle, given the circumstances. (And both of my children were illegitimate but I can understand why you would be angry enough to voice this thought). And unless the law has changed, she cannot register the child under your dh's name unless she has his permission and he attends the registrars office. She can change it by deed poll, which you won't be able to do anything about. After a bit of time has passed, you may feel differently, of course but, I don't blame you for the way your feeling now, think you've been very understanding (not to mention strong)to take him back.