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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend got married

257 replies

Shockedgirl · 01/08/2018 21:25

Not sure what I’m looking for here but in shock and could do with some virtual support.

I have been seeing a guy since April, it’s been going well. Nice dates, lots of texts, long phone calls etc. He’s stayed over at mine when my kids have been away and we had a chat about being exclusive. He’d been telling me for a
while that he had a two week holiday booked and a few weeks beforehand he said that he wouldn’t be contactable during the holiday. With the benefit of hindsight that now seems a bit odd but at the time I didn’t really give it much thought.
Anyway since he went I have noticed that he has been online on WhatsApp a lot which is odd as he said he wasn’t going to be able to access it at all due to lack of internet etc.

Long story short, I did some digging and low and behold, the holiday was actually him getting married! There is nothing about it on his Facebook or insta but loads of pics on his new wife’s account and other family members. I just feel completely shocked and very hurt. I discovered it last night and in my initial shock and upset I thought I should send a message to his wife letting her know what he is actually like but I didn’t and now in the cold light of day I just think that would be an awful thing to do to her just after her wedding.

I just feel totally physically sick that I have been involved in this. I have looked at the pics and they look so happy and I am just so gutted that he isn’t the man I thought he was and also that I have been caught up in something so bloody awful and that I have fallen for it. I haven’t contacted him and I have blocked his number so he can’t contact me. I’ll be fine and obviously it wasn’t a very long time that we were together but I’m just feeling really crap and in shock.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 01/08/2018 21:27

I'm so sorry Flowers

SandyY2K · 01/08/2018 21:30

What an absolute low life he is. It's sickening.

I'm sorry you met this sorry excuse for a man.

You've done the best thing by blocking him. If he contacts you tell him to leave you alone or you'll tell his wife.

Some people are awful. He stood there in front of friends and family...vowing fidelity ...disgraceful. I'd be ashamed of a son like this.

AnaViaSalamanca · 01/08/2018 21:33

It's horrible. Try to block and move on. Contacting his wife doesn't solve anything for you. I would try to see a therapist, this is a traumatic experience and you should focus on yourself and your healing.

It happens to the best of us, just keep in mind that you had had an unlucky incident, but a lucky escape.

Grobagsforever · 01/08/2018 21:33

You need to tell his wife before he gets her pregnant

Ryder63 · 01/08/2018 21:36

Vile. Utterly vile. Poor you, poor new wife. Let's hope Karma IS a bitch.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 01/08/2018 21:38

I'd copy one of the photos from her fb page and post it to his wall, with a congratulations message. He will see it and be shitting himself - esp when his wife asks who you are! Let him sprnd his honeymoon worrying that you will drop him in the shit.

I think you should tell her tbh. This is something she needs to know before they have kids.

Original poster
Shockedgirl · 01/08/2018 21:38

Thank you for the replies. I am torn between thinking his wife should know but also don’t really want to be the person that tells her. I can’t imagine how traumatic it would be to find this out so soon after getting married.

I have tortured myself a few times by looking at the pictures but really need to pull myself together and stop as it’s not helping.

I just don’t why he did it and also now I look back some of the signs were there that he wasn’t being honest but I was too stupid to see them

OP posts:
UnderMajorDomoMinor · 01/08/2018 21:40

You poor thing! That’s awful. Honestly I’m really shocked.

What a total dick. I have no idea what I’d do in your circumstances.

Hugs!

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 01/08/2018 21:40

You weren't stupid - you were just trusting, which you should be able to do. You couldn't know that he would be a complete prick Flowers

blitzen · 01/08/2018 21:41

Tell his wife and get to the clinic

Orange6904 · 01/08/2018 21:46

What a lowlife, sorry op x

Bimgy85 · 01/08/2018 21:48

So sorry this has happened. I think you should tell her, before he does it to somebody else.

Why should you be the only one left in the dark feeling hurt? Teach him a lesson that he cannot do this type of thing in life and get away with it! You'll be doing her a favour

Shampooeeee · 01/08/2018 21:48

Sorry you are going through this.
You should tell the wife. She had been duped just like you have and she deserves to know.

SomeKnobend · 01/08/2018 21:51

Tell his wife now before she wastes any more time on him, or God forbid gets pregnant. Do send proof so she can be sure it's him and not a misunderstanding, otherwise he'll be telling her you're just some crazy ex/stranger.

LlamaPyjamas · 01/08/2018 21:51

I’d tell his wife and include any evidence that you’re telling the truth. Be specific about dates etc. He will probably try to tell her you’re a crazy liar but she really needs to know!

MiniAlphaBravo · 01/08/2018 21:51

Wow I hate the thought that this happens! Totally not your fault though and it’s excellent that you found out. I think his wife ought to know is as well. Or he will just get away with this behaviour.

xxconfusedxx · 01/08/2018 21:51

Oh OP what an awful awful thing to happen.

Time is a healer, and hopefully karma is a b*tch!

UnderMajorDomoMinor · 01/08/2018 21:52

No you are not stupid. It is perfectly normal not to be looking for signs your boyfriend might have a secret fiancé!

Original poster
Shockedgirl · 01/08/2018 21:52

Yes I do agree she needs to know. I am probably being selfish but at the moment I kind of just want to forget about it. I am taking my kids away on holiday next week and want to focus on having a lovely time together and then maybe make decisions about that once I am back

OP posts:
WarmWeatherIsQuiteNiceActually · 01/08/2018 21:54

For his wife's sake, please tell her. If the situation was reversed would you want her to tell you? I would.

Ryder63 · 01/08/2018 21:54

Do you have 'proof' of your relationship with him, OP? Messages from him etc; still accessible? If you do decide to tell her (and I'm leaning towards that you should) you may need proof before she believes you - what new bride would want to?

ladydickisathingapparently · 01/08/2018 21:56

Not stupid at all, just trusting. You’ve done nothing wrong.

Unfortunately I suspect telling the wife would result in a shoot the messenger scenario which would be even more unpleasant for you. Wonder if she already has suspicions though. It takes a special kind of deceitful arsehole to do this to someone.

Ryder63 · 01/08/2018 21:57

Oh cross posted with LlamaPyjamas!

RebootYourEngine · 01/08/2018 21:57

I would tell the wife because when i was her i wish someone would have told me.

Include details so that he can not deny it. Things like dates he stayed at yours, any identifying marks, things he did during sex that were a bit unusual etc

IceCreamFace · 01/08/2018 22:01

What the hell is wrong with some people? I have no idea how he could act like this without being torn apart by guilt. You haven't been stupid at all - there is no way I would suspect someone of doing something like this.

FWIW I'd want to know if I was his wife, it wasn't like this was a drunken moment of madness. She may not believe you and she almost definitely won't thank you but at least you'll sow the seed of the idea in her head and then when he does something else (which he almost definitely will) she might be quicker to realise what he's actually like.

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