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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend got married

257 replies

Shockedgirl · 01/08/2018 21:25

Not sure what I’m looking for here but in shock and could do with some virtual support.

I have been seeing a guy since April, it’s been going well. Nice dates, lots of texts, long phone calls etc. He’s stayed over at mine when my kids have been away and we had a chat about being exclusive. He’d been telling me for a
while that he had a two week holiday booked and a few weeks beforehand he said that he wouldn’t be contactable during the holiday. With the benefit of hindsight that now seems a bit odd but at the time I didn’t really give it much thought.
Anyway since he went I have noticed that he has been online on WhatsApp a lot which is odd as he said he wasn’t going to be able to access it at all due to lack of internet etc.

Long story short, I did some digging and low and behold, the holiday was actually him getting married! There is nothing about it on his Facebook or insta but loads of pics on his new wife’s account and other family members. I just feel completely shocked and very hurt. I discovered it last night and in my initial shock and upset I thought I should send a message to his wife letting her know what he is actually like but I didn’t and now in the cold light of day I just think that would be an awful thing to do to her just after her wedding.

I just feel totally physically sick that I have been involved in this. I have looked at the pics and they look so happy and I am just so gutted that he isn’t the man I thought he was and also that I have been caught up in something so bloody awful and that I have fallen for it. I haven’t contacted him and I have blocked his number so he can’t contact me. I’ll be fine and obviously it wasn’t a very long time that we were together but I’m just feeling really crap and in shock.

OP posts:
Stripy29 · 01/08/2018 22:50

Definitely tell the wife.
It will be easier for her to divorce him (time wise) if she wanted to.

raspberrysplit · 01/08/2018 22:54

Tell her. Yes it'll be horrible for her to find out so soon after getting married, but the horrible action is him cheating, not you telling her. You aren't responsible.
It'd be far worse for her to find out further down the line

Bearbehind · 01/08/2018 22:54

I have 2 trains of thought here

  1. how the fuck, in the age of social media is this even possible

  2. why the feck should the new mr and mrs get to live happily ever after when it's all a lie

numptynuts · 01/08/2018 22:57

If you were my friend OP, I'd tell his wife for you whilst you were away on holiday.

ThisMustBeMyDream · 01/08/2018 23:03

I had this happen to me on my wedding day. Slightly different in that the woman already knew about me.

It was horrendous. Absolutely horrendous. But ultimately, I am glad I found out. Not in the way it was done - on my wedding day (and 30th birthday). But because my life is so much better without him in it now.

I already had a child to him, and was 7 weeks pregnant at the time. 3.5 years down the line now, and I am now okay. It took about 18 months.

I'd tell his wife. In the hope she will have a lucky escape.

nearlythesummer · 01/08/2018 23:06

What a lucky escape for you! It was a horrible way to find out that he is a cheating pig, but you have your whole life ahead without him in it - phew! Enjoy your time away with your children. Onwards and upwards!

Alcina · 01/08/2018 23:06

Some people just behave in ways that are unfathomable to most of us. A while ago I had a friend who told me that about 10 years in to her relationship her partner told her one day that he had an important meeting the next day. She ironed a shirt for him in the morning. Turned out he was getting married that day! Shock

The marriage didn't work out, and my friend took him back 6 months later. (He left her for good for someone else a few years after that.)

It's possible that the new wife knows her husband had a 'final fling', or however he may have chosen to describe you to her (if he has).

So I'm not sure if I would tell the wife, tbh, as she may already know what he's like. Do you have any friends/acquaintances in common who might have an idea if she knows about you?

Either way, it's a horrible shock for you and I hope you are ok. And I hope you enjoy your holiday with your kids Flowers

TheMonkeyMummy · 02/08/2018 00:18

I am so sorry. What a shocker

rainbowlou · 02/08/2018 00:22

Being the wife in a similar situation, tell her..I was the last to know and it killed me.
So sorry for you xx

Cawfee · 02/08/2018 01:17

If I was the wife, I’d want to know. I’d want to see proof of messages and details. I’d be thanking you for saving me from a lifetime of lies and misery xxx

Tutulafromage · 02/08/2018 01:31

Go and enjoy your holiday with your children...
Unblock him....see what his next move is?? Surely after the 2 weeks he was planning on seeing you/contacting you?

He is an utter scumbag but look at the positive that you are finding out now and not longer down the line!

Mrstobe90 · 02/08/2018 01:42

Make a fake Facebook profile if you're worried about her knowing your name.

I agree that she should know and I really hope that she gets an annulment!
That scum bag deserves to be alone!!

I'm so sorry this has happened to you xx

Choccheese · 02/08/2018 02:04

Something very similar happened to me around 7 years ago. We met whilst abroad, he was on holiday with a friend. We persued a long distance relationship for a few months, meeting atleast once a week. After some odd behaviour from him I also did some digging on FB and discovered he was engaged to be married and had a child with his wife to be.
I did decide to message his wife to be who never responded to me and judging by the FB photos, married him a few months later.

What you tell his wife (if you decide to) may not make any difference in the end, but at least she will know.

As for you, this kind of thing knocks your confidence big time and leaves you doubting yourself. Be kind to.yourself, it can happen to anyone and whilst exploring "why me?" Be safe in the knowledge that it's everything to do with him and nothing you have done to make him do this to you. Give no thought to the whys.

thebewilderness · 02/08/2018 02:24

Send her an apology and explain that you did not know or you would never have carried on a four month affair with him.

PyongyangKipperbang · 02/08/2018 02:44

Please tell her.

I was this wife. He was cheating before (probably during) and after our wedding. Can I say, hand on heart, that I wouldnt have married him? No. But I wouldnt have stayed with him for 12 years of ignorance if I had been told early on. A lot of things that he gas lighted me about would have made much more sense and I am sure that I would have left years ago.

As it is, I am now trying to split up amicably (!) with a man who had his cake and was eating it for fucking years, so doesnt want to lose his cushy set up. If I had binned him off 10 years ago I am sure he would have gone much more quietly.

Please please tell her.

Popple123 · 02/08/2018 02:49

thisismydream happened to me too but only just before the wedding day. Still reeling over a year later but much much better off for knowing! So sorry you had to go through this.

Sorry this happened to you OP, as the wife is want to know!x

Popple123 · 02/08/2018 02:50

I’d not is!

Italiangreyhound · 02/08/2018 02:54

I am so sorry this sounds really horrible.

Rebecca36 · 02/08/2018 03:10

What a dreadful underhand man. You are well shot of him but that doesn't help the hurt you feel right now.

I am just so sorry.

callkiki · 02/08/2018 03:51

I was the wife and while not newly married, the thing that sticks with me the most is that there were so many people who knew but didn't say anything. The day I found out, I believed it despite his lying saying it wasn't true and it never occurred for me to consider going on being married knowing that he was lying and cheating.

He was part of some running group where they met and over 18 months the group found it so "cute" that these 2 married people were falling in love and I even had many over to our home for BBQ's and such and not one person had the courage to tell me or warn me of anything.

Make a fake FB profile, send all the information, screen shots, etc...and just say I think you should know and I'm sorry as I was unaware of you until now. Also, I would add you don't know if you are the only one he did this too and that you plan on being tested and she should do so as well. Tell her you won't contact her further but if she wants more information you will provide it but are not out to hurt her but feel that she should know her new marriage is based on lies.

MissedTheBoatAgain · 02/08/2018 04:12

To OP

Don't agree with telling the wife. It's her life. Opinions of girlfriends before marriage are not relevant.

However, I agree that what he did to you was bad.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/08/2018 04:18

I think if you do tell her he's going to spin it as you being some crazy ex who is stalking him.
Unless you have date-stamped photos that you can send to her to prove that it was still ongoing just prior to his marriage, then I wouldn't bother.

Yes, I'd want to know if I was in her position - but if it was just a one-off contact and my smooth-talking new husband said it was a crazy stalker ex, then I'd probably believe him and carry on. However, I wouldn't ever trust him fully again either!

Evidence required before/if you contact her.

MissedTheBoatAgain · 02/08/2018 04:31

To OP

Lots of bad advice here. After all how many people have not had previous relationships before they were married? In today's world I would say zero.

He has moved on and you should do the same.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/08/2018 04:35

MissedthePointagain - the OP was still IN a relationship with the cheating bastard when he got married. She didn't know he was getting married until she dug around. If she hadn't found the evidence, she would STILL be in a relationship with the cheating bastard.
Your point is therefore irrelevant.

primoestate · 02/08/2018 04:37

@MissedTheBoatAgain
Read the OP.
Hmm

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