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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend got married

257 replies

Shockedgirl · 01/08/2018 21:25

Not sure what I’m looking for here but in shock and could do with some virtual support.

I have been seeing a guy since April, it’s been going well. Nice dates, lots of texts, long phone calls etc. He’s stayed over at mine when my kids have been away and we had a chat about being exclusive. He’d been telling me for a
while that he had a two week holiday booked and a few weeks beforehand he said that he wouldn’t be contactable during the holiday. With the benefit of hindsight that now seems a bit odd but at the time I didn’t really give it much thought.
Anyway since he went I have noticed that he has been online on WhatsApp a lot which is odd as he said he wasn’t going to be able to access it at all due to lack of internet etc.

Long story short, I did some digging and low and behold, the holiday was actually him getting married! There is nothing about it on his Facebook or insta but loads of pics on his new wife’s account and other family members. I just feel completely shocked and very hurt. I discovered it last night and in my initial shock and upset I thought I should send a message to his wife letting her know what he is actually like but I didn’t and now in the cold light of day I just think that would be an awful thing to do to her just after her wedding.

I just feel totally physically sick that I have been involved in this. I have looked at the pics and they look so happy and I am just so gutted that he isn’t the man I thought he was and also that I have been caught up in something so bloody awful and that I have fallen for it. I haven’t contacted him and I have blocked his number so he can’t contact me. I’ll be fine and obviously it wasn’t a very long time that we were together but I’m just feeling really crap and in shock.

OP posts:
BewareOfDragons · 01/08/2018 22:19

I would want to know. Please tell the wife if you can and if you can prove it.

billybagpuss · 01/08/2018 22:20

Honestly just step away, he is not worth the angst.

Have a great holiday with your kids Flowers

melissasummerfield · 01/08/2018 22:22

What an absolute tosser!!

Only thing i was thinking is this man knows where you and your children live, is he the kind of guy to get angry if you told his wife?

nellly · 01/08/2018 22:22

Wait till after your holiday but please please tell the wife: I've been the wife in this situation, albeit not with the timing an do please let her know. It will be devastating but then she can move on.

See if a friend will message her and just say that proof is available if she feels she needs it

IceCreamFace · 01/08/2018 22:22

Could you make a fake Facebook account and just send the pictures and whatever other proof? Or can't you email a Facebook account?

LighthouseSouth · 01/08/2018 22:23

OP gird yourself

You know he will come back and get in touch as if his holiday has just finished?

gottastopeatingchocolate · 01/08/2018 22:24

I think that waiting until after your holiday is the best idea, OP.
Firstly, to protect your holiday, as you said.
Secondly - will his 2 weeks be over by the time you get back? It will be interesting to see if he is planning to try to contact you again or whether now he is married he intends to forget all about you.
I don't know if I would tell the wife or not - it 's a good idea to see how it sits with you for a while.
(Though a part of me would be tempted to cut and paste one of his wife's wedding photos to his FB timeline with the question, "So, I guess we're over then?"!

GirlFliesHome · 01/08/2018 22:25

I think the wife deserves to know because it is so early into their marriage. She has promised to spend her life with this man. She is just starting out on that life. It's not fair to her to hide it from her. She deserves so much better. As indeed do you.

WoodforTrees · 01/08/2018 22:26

Leave it alone for now, at least, and go and enjoy your holiday with your DC.

See how you feel when you get back. There is no 'right' or 'wrong' way to deal with this.

QuoadUltra · 01/08/2018 22:26

YOU ARE NOT OBLIGED TO DO ANYTHING.

You must concentrate on making yourself feel OK and prioritise your holiday with your children. Just because this guy was a dick absolutely does not mean you HAVE to tell the wife or take any action at all. All the fuckery and ‘should do X’ is on his side. You are free (thank god).

Normally, I am in the ‘don’t tell the wife’ camp. But here I think that I might be tempted - when you are ready and only if you feel like it - just because there are no children who could get hurt.

Clairetree1 · 01/08/2018 22:27

I don't think you should wait, I think she should know right now.

what if she gets pregnant in the next two weeks?

Her life begins again from the moment she finds out, the longer you delay, the more of her life is wasted in total ignorance

Tell her tonight

all details, dates, birthmarks quirks, everything

Original poster
Shockedgirl · 01/08/2018 22:27

I do wonder what he was planning to do after this. He can’t contact me anyway now as I’ve blocked him on everything. I’m sure he will notice this at some stage and hopefully he’ll be worrying what I am going to do. Thank you for all your messages, I really appreciate it. I will see how I feel once my holiday is over

OP posts:
GirlFliesHome · 01/08/2018 22:28

FWIW, my DH;s first wife cheated on him. The weekend before they got married she went away with another man. People knew at the time. It took 10years of confusion and pain before DH finallyrealised she was cheating and left. THEN people told him what they had known. I think the hurt of stumbling blindly around a marriage where he did not have the same info as everyone else, and just could ot put his finger on what was wrong was what caused him more pain and hurt than anything else.

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 01/08/2018 22:28

Make a fake Facebook account and contact her parents.
They would definitely want to know.
Let them be the ones to tell her.

FolderReformedScruncher · 01/08/2018 22:29

I think I would be inclined to see if he gets back in touch after his 'holiday' and if he did I would consider that a line crossed and I would tell the wife with as much detail as I could muster so she knows you are telling the truth.

QuoadUltra · 01/08/2018 22:33

What do you want to do?

You really do not have to do anything.

Ginger1982 · 01/08/2018 22:33

I would unblock him, see if he gets in touch when he gets back and then decide what to do.

Butterflykissess · 01/08/2018 22:36

I wouldnt tell her. this is just my experience but I find they tend to stay with the man anyway.

YaLoVeras · 01/08/2018 22:38

I second telling her BEFORE she gets pregnant.

Sorry he lied and lied and lied to you. It is so dehumanising.

YaLoVeras · 01/08/2018 22:40

''I wouldnt tell her. this is just my experience but I find they tend to stay with the man anyway.''

While this may seem like it's true, initially when denial has not yet been pierced even in the face of evidence, what happens afterwards is seen through a clearer lens that's for sure.

InsomniacAnonymous · 01/08/2018 22:41

The same thing happened to me (although a hell of a long time ago - pre internet). My boyfriend said "Oh, I can't see you next week because I'm getting married". I just fell apart, so I can empathise. So sorry. Flowers

HollowTalk · 01/08/2018 22:42

Do you have any friends in common who could do this for you? He deserves some comment on Facebook: "What, you're married? But I saw you with X last week." That sort of thing.

Lovemusic33 · 01/08/2018 22:42

Stay out of it and just be greatful that you are not the wife. It’s not worth the hassle contacting the wife. Block and move on.

Sadly similar things have happened to me, you will be surprised how many men lead a double life.

bertielab · 01/08/2018 22:47

If I were the wife -I would want to know so I could ditch him and have an annulment !

SchadenfreudePersonified · 01/08/2018 22:50

He's a piece of shit. You have been badly used, but actually you are the lucky one - that other poor girl is married to him.