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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Boyfriend got married

257 replies

Shockedgirl · 01/08/2018 21:25

Not sure what I’m looking for here but in shock and could do with some virtual support.

I have been seeing a guy since April, it’s been going well. Nice dates, lots of texts, long phone calls etc. He’s stayed over at mine when my kids have been away and we had a chat about being exclusive. He’d been telling me for a
while that he had a two week holiday booked and a few weeks beforehand he said that he wouldn’t be contactable during the holiday. With the benefit of hindsight that now seems a bit odd but at the time I didn’t really give it much thought.
Anyway since he went I have noticed that he has been online on WhatsApp a lot which is odd as he said he wasn’t going to be able to access it at all due to lack of internet etc.

Long story short, I did some digging and low and behold, the holiday was actually him getting married! There is nothing about it on his Facebook or insta but loads of pics on his new wife’s account and other family members. I just feel completely shocked and very hurt. I discovered it last night and in my initial shock and upset I thought I should send a message to his wife letting her know what he is actually like but I didn’t and now in the cold light of day I just think that would be an awful thing to do to her just after her wedding.

I just feel totally physically sick that I have been involved in this. I have looked at the pics and they look so happy and I am just so gutted that he isn’t the man I thought he was and also that I have been caught up in something so bloody awful and that I have fallen for it. I haven’t contacted him and I have blocked his number so he can’t contact me. I’ll be fine and obviously it wasn’t a very long time that we were together but I’m just feeling really crap and in shock.

OP posts:

stillamum22 · 01/08/2018 22:02

How awful for you. I spent far too much time with dreadful blokes who never became the person I wanted them to be. Luckily I've got a good one now which kind of makes up for it.

Whether to tell the poor wife. I'd say not. I doubt she'd believe you, it never ends well. Lift yourself up, put it down to a lucky escape and treasure yourself. If you feel a sense of abandonment then book in for a few counselling sessions. You're so much better than this, enjoy your hols x

Original poster

Shockedgirl · 01/08/2018 22:02

I do have lots of proof such as messages and pictures if needed. Those of you saying tell his wife, how should I go about doing that? The only contact I could make with her is via Facebook and I don’t really want her to have my name as I am probably quite easily found due to work etc and I don’t want this to impact on my life at all.

OP posts:

SaveBandit · 01/08/2018 22:02

Do you have any proof that you were together? His new wife needs to know, it will be awful for her but at least if you have something concrete to show you're not just out to cause trouble.

I'm so sorry this dickhead did this to you

LanaorAna2 · 01/08/2018 22:03

If you tell his wife, he'll lie so see if you can prove it. This must be horrible for you. If I was his W I would want to know - a similar thing happened to a friend. She was horrified, but she got out, which was the main thing, although recovery was long.

You must be feeling so betrayed. At least you're out of it.

AnoukSpirit · 01/08/2018 22:05

I am torn between thinking his wife should know but also don’t really want to be the person that tells her.

That's understandable, and it is your choice either way.

The way I'm inclined to look at it is that in some ways it's almost better for you to be the one to tell her as you have no relationship with her to worry about jeopardising, and won't have an ongoing relationship with her afterwards. You're not a "jealous friend" trying to stir things, you're a third party who's also been hurt by his actions.

It's more doing a good turn than anything. He's the cause of all this, and any trauma for her is his doing not yours for warning her. At least if she has the information and concrete proof (he'll probably try and undermine her own mind too) she has the opportunity to make her own informed choices.

I'm sorry he put you in this position.

LouHotel · 01/08/2018 22:05

OP as much as its the morally correct thing to tell his wife you do need to protect yourself first.

Some people blame women no matter what and you don't want to get caught up if her family turns nasty etc..

I would try to anonymously tip her off but include evidence such as pictures of his text messages or couple looking photographs with time stamp with your face scribbled out. Say in a letter that you won't broadcast it further and that you'll leave them along but thought she needed to know. Or go through a friend you trust.

Tinkobell · 01/08/2018 22:06

How awful OP, what a total shit head 💐 In the same position, I wouldn't tell the wife ONLY because I'd have concern for the security of my home and kids....I'd worry about him coming around for retribution, but that's me. You've had a lucky escape from this fuck wit OP. The new wife has married a pup.

divafever99 · 01/08/2018 22:07

I think I would try and enjoy my holiday with the dc and like you say make a decision about what to do after that. So sorry this has happened to you

Alicatz66 · 01/08/2018 22:07

You have done the right thing . I would feel gutted and sick too .. but you have behaved with integrity . It will be horrid for a while but hold your head up and don't contact him or her .. move on ... ignore all the comments about karma too .. it's not a thing !!! Use your logic xxxx.. you've got this

Samewitches · 01/08/2018 22:08

TELL HER! TELL HER! I'd want to know, you'd want to know. No-one would not want to know. One message with screenshots/ dates you've been together, any photos you have of the two of you. As much info as you can give, then next week go on holiday with your children, turn your phone off (as much as possible) and be done with it all by the time you get back. A new leaf. Unless you think he might get nasty in which case ask a neighbour or friend to watch your house but otherwise give the info, let the wife do as she pleases with it and go away to get over it yourself.

Wdigin2this · 01/08/2018 22:09

Please don't tell his wife!
She will of course eventually find out what a low life he is, but if you're the one to tell her, so soon after her wedding a) she probably won't believe you, and b) you'll have the guilt of her distress to deal with on top of everything else!

juliastone · 01/08/2018 22:09

Something similar happened to me many years ago. Met this foreign guy at some club after big conference, we went to his hotel, a few days later the guy left, I thought that was it, but he kept in touch, chatted, phoned, came back to visit for a few days.. always calling from hotels, when travelling on business.. then he said he was leaving for a holiday and that he won't be available.. this is the first time I found anything strange. Silly me (there had been many signs..). Turns out he was married. The problem was his name was very rare in the country he lived in, so it took only a few clicks to find his wife's name and her work email. I was terribly hurt, I felt disgusting, I would have never been with a married guy had I known etc. I sent her an email, telling her everything. I know she received it because I immediatelly got an "out of office" - of course, she was on holiday, with him!
Long story short, years later I saw on FB that they were married and now had kids, and I felt really sorry for her.

Gottokondo · 01/08/2018 22:09

I once found out that I was the other woman. I thought about telling his girlfriend but a friend talked me out of it saying that I probably wanted to say it for the wrong reasons, revenge, jealousy etc. I wobbled because I didn't want to be a jealous bitch looking for revenge. It was the wrong decision for me. I am totally over this guy (it was years and years ago) and I still feel guilty towards this girlfriend for not telling her. I don't know if they are still together (I blocked the guy and wouldn't know how to contact him or her now) but I wonder if my inaction would have made her more unhappy in the end than having the information and giving her the chance to make an informed decision about her love life.

VodkaLimeSoda27 · 01/08/2018 22:10

Ugh, this is awful OP, I'm so sorry for you. What a complete prick. Hope the holiday gives you some breathing space and some time to think about what you might like to do

Singlenotsingle · 01/08/2018 22:11

Sad for the new wife, being taken in by such a dishonest and unfaithful man. She's in even a worse position than you are. You've both been duped.

sexnotgender · 01/08/2018 22:11

Almost the exact same thing happened to my brother, he dated a girl for about 9 months, they discussed moving in together. She was engaged the whole time. She even came to stay at my parents house at Christmas when my brother visited!

billybagpuss · 01/08/2018 22:12

This is so awful [flower]

if you tell her this will impact on your life, there is no easy way to do it. I would text him that he is a complete and utter bastard and block him from your life.

Or if you want to play games post to his timeline a gorgeous picture of you saying 'can't wait to see my boyfriend next week and tag him in it.'

thisisannc · 01/08/2018 22:13

Oh wow, this is awful. What an absolute scumbag. I wonder if he's planning on coming back into your life as if it really was just a holiday?

Flamingo86 · 01/08/2018 22:14

Tell the wife, give her a chance to scrap this marriage now

LouHotel · 01/08/2018 22:14

I cant believe the sheer balls of him that he has you both on Facebook! Surely in this age you would expect to be tagged in something with your exclusive girlfriend.

Mrskeats · 01/08/2018 22:15

Tell the wife. Poor woman deserves to know. She maybe could get an annulment?

Original poster

Shockedgirl · 01/08/2018 22:15

If I was going to tell her i’m absolutely not going to do it before my holiday. I get that lots of people are saying she needs to know but I can’t handle dealing with any fall out while I am trying to relax with my children

OP posts:

OohOohMrPeevly · 01/08/2018 22:15

Feel so bad for you discovering this. I can't believe the extent of his deceit - he has more nerve than an astronaut! You had a very lucky escape there.

Doubletrouble99 · 01/08/2018 22:18

OP you could always open a fake face book account and private message her as if you were a friend of yours if you see what I mean.

jade9390 · 01/08/2018 22:19

Sorry you have been treated so badly. I have been in a situation like this, he moved in with someone. If I was the new wife, I would want to know esp if he intended to carry on. I actually told her but she did not want to know and he could wrap her around his finger and carry on lying. She woke up one day, dumped him and told me that I was not the only one. he has not changed, he has moved in with a few women and it always ended when they woke up to his multiple cheating.

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